Tuesday, March 25, 2008

Close encounter of the idiot kind.

-Day 84.




Mondays SUCK! If you don’t agree with me, I will go and shave “Bee rocks!” on your head. Are we in agreement? Good!

Anyway, Mondays usually find me hung-over (even though I don’t drink, I still wake up with a fuzzy tongue- I know you want to make THAT joke but if you value your life... nah. Go ahead, pull the trigger.) unwilling to get up, debating whether I NEED to take a shower (the answer is always "YES" by the way), bemoaning my lack of millions of dollars so that I can hire valets that will put all my body parts back together again.

I’m the female, new-age version of Humpty Dumpty. Only my name is Hairy Dumpy. Yeah, I LIKE IT! ***Observation. Word agreed with my spelling of “Humpty” but disagreed with the spelling of “Dumpty” and didn’t give me a spelling alternative, don’t these two go together??

So… where the hell was I? Oh yeah! Mondays.
These are the days my mood is, how shall I put it? At it's most dangerous or SEVERELY UNFRIENDLY. I’m snarly until at least 11:59 pm AT LEAST.

Most people know this and stay away. Some people think they’re from the cat family and keep testing their 9 lives theory. So far, 2 dead 1 confirmed catperson.

I walked into the office, turned on my computer, then went to the kitchen to make coffee.

Scarecrow walks in, obviously knowing I hadn’t had my coffee since I was in the process of making it, not a good sign. I'm even less pleasant, IF POSSIBLE, before my coffee.

Scarecrow: [hovering]
Have you seen Patient X’s chart?

Bee: [maintaining my patience]
Doesn’t sound familiar.

Scarecrow: [not very good at reading warning signs]
I think you had it last.

Bee: [in a half snarl]
HAD would probably be your first clue that I don’t have it NOW.

Scarecrow: [dense head]
I did look on your desk and didn’t find it…

Bee: [looking at her encouragingly]
Okay. Maybe you should try plan “B” and look somewhere else?

Scarecrow: [I've known doorknobs with more intelligence]
I could have sworn you had it.

Bee: [explaining to this middle aged child]
Work with me here, isn’t HAD the past tense of TO HAVE?

Scarecrow: [beginning to sweat]
I was just hoping you put it somewhere else.

Bee: [big eyes, clown face]
Like where? In my car? On a plane? On a train? In a box? With 3 locks?

Scarecrow: [huffy]
Fine. I’ll look somewhere else!

Bee: [singsong voice, arms outstretched, total ham]
In a field of clovers? With a dog named rover?

Scarecrow: [baring her teeth or um... gums]
Forget it.

Bee: [twirling]
In a junkyard? Crap! What rhymes with yard?-

OZ: [Wheezing FROM HIS OFFICE THAT'S NEXT TO THE KITCHEN]
LARD!

Bee: [a little startled that the boss is participating but taking it in stride]
In a junkyard? With a tub of lard?

Scarecrow walks out bumps into OZ as he's walking.

OZ: [shaking his head, wheeze laughing]
No, "In a junkyard? While burying lard?" Sounds better.

Bee: [blushing cuz I'm such a dumbass]
Who buries lard?

OZ: [still laughing]
You can’t dump that stuff down the drain! The lard would clog it!

Here's my question, isn't mine better? A tub of lard instead of burying lard?

I wonder if OZ was always a wise ass or if he got corrupted my lil' ole me.

Well, at least my day got get batter after that.

P.S.

Andy came by the office to pick something up, --looking super hawt in his scruffy electrical wear--, and he had this observation "The receptionist lady (AKA Cowardly Lion) doesn't seem to be too happy with you."

That's probably because I've restricted her peeing to when I deem it is appropriate. To dictate, is to love.

18 comments:

  1. IMHO any way you use lard in a sentence is the best way.

    Poke

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  2. You need to get a lard tub. Then next time you can just say "try the lard."

    We had Monday off here for religious reasons, so that shitty-day feeling was deferred to this morning...

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  3. I hope no-one noticed I said "my day got BATter"!

    Well, it could mean I mixed BAT, BETTER and LARD with a couple of eggs... that would make a nice smooth Asylum batter.

    ReplyDelete
  4. oz sounds like he/she is a pretty cool boss to help you abuse scarecrow that way.

    by the way, needing coffe before you can speak to anyone in the morning is the first sing of being a white person!

    ReplyDelete
  5. Bee
    Why are you up so early?
    I feel sorry for your co-workers, you are horrible to them.
    The Doc is in love with you.

    ReplyDelete
  6. Great post! I always look forward to reading your blog, funny as hell...although i'm not sure where that saying came from...i don't think the burning flesh experience would be funny, but really i love your blog.

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  7. I couldn't stay away that long. Your tongue wouldn't be fuzzy when you wake up if you'd stop giving Mocha a tongue bath before bed.


    eww

    ReplyDelete
  8. Poke:
    True. It's rarely used in cooking and everyday conversations these days.

    Brian:
    Shitty is RIGHT!
    I found out, half way thru my day, that I had forgotten my Drivers License! Big No No here.
    I couldn't be my regular speed demon while driving home. Took me at least 2 extra minutes to get home!

    Bee:
    GO BACK TO SLEEP! It's freakin 3 in the morning! You're gonna be crabby when you get up in the morning!

    Leigh:
    I learn something new everyday. Well, at least I have gardening.


    jean knee:
    Okay.

    Dan:
    Yeah, I’m mean to them but at least I don't threaten to kick them in the nuts.
    Regarding OZ... you coming over tomorrow? I have a special message for you. Don't wear a cup.

    April:
    Hi! And thank you!
    "Funny as hell" Probably invented by S&M enthusiasts.

    jean knee:
    ::(blech!)::
    Honestly, I didn't see that one coming.

    ReplyDelete
  9. That's funny. Anybody that can use Dr. Suess and lard in the same post is all right by me...

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  10. I need to start rocking the Seuss talk on work days. The typical eye rolling and muttering threats under my breath doesn't work. You have taught me well!

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  11. I'm not going to touch the fuzzy tongue. I don't know what it means and I know fer sure I don't wnat to know, ya know?

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  12. BEE!!! Who and what is that thing...that head thing on your side bar?!?
    It keeps asking "Am I creepy?" What should I say?
    :{

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  13. jean knee:
    THE OFFICE COMES BACK IN APRIL!!!

    VE:
    Thanks but did you you see I had difficulty rhyming? Maybe I'll take some classes.

    FADKOG:
    Glad to be of service, let me know how it goes! ;o)

    Anonymous:
    ?

    NCS:
    I knew I could count on you!

    Yeah, let's not touch that hairy tongue.

    She is me. I am her.
    She does sound creepy right?? :o)

    ReplyDelete
  14. If I had to guess, I would say that Oz got it from you. Just a hunch.

    ReplyDelete

Ask me no questions and I’ll tell you no lies.