Thursday, March 6, 2008

"Adventures in Andyland. Andy rolled a Vinny."

-Day 65. Stan, you're in Ala-f*ckin-bama. You come from New York. You killed a good-ole-boy. There is no WAY this is not going to trial!- Vincent "Vinny" Gambini

I’m going to tell you guys a secret but I don’t want you telling anyone else. Agreed? Okay.
.
Andy is 4 years younger than I am. I'm 35 he's 31. (Shhh secret)

The reason I had to mention this is because, he and I started dating before he had the chance to have 1 million liaisons with other women (or skanks as I like to call them). He went out with couple of chicks (skanks as I like to call them) but I was his first serious girlfriend (non-skank as I like to call myself).

An-y-way…

For the past couple of weeks, he has been coming home with advice from his current work partner (we will call him Vinny), acting like his word is gospel when it comes to life and women.
Every nugget that he says holds truth, justice and the American way.

“Vinny said breakfast is the most important meal of the day”
"Vinny said you have to eat many small meals to speed up your metabolism"
“Vinny said I should buy 40lb dumb bells.)
“Vinny said, Vinny said, Vinny said…”

I’m sure there’s more but I started tuning him out until yesterday.
“Vinny said, when you have cramps, you should massage your lower abdomen.”
.
.
If, at this very moment, you are sitting there with a “WHAT THE FUCK?” look on your face, welcome to my world.

Bee:
Who the hell is this Vinny and why has this become The Vinny Show?

Andy:
Bee, if you met him you’d probably leave me. One guy at work (Bob) said that if he put a wig on him, he’d do him. He’s that good looking.

Bee:
Andy, I’ve met other attractive men in my life, I think I’d be able to control myself. BUT! Let’s leave my other questions for a moment. Why would you guys say that about him? What if he found out?

Andy:
Vinny was right there when Bob said that. He just laughed.

Bee:
Holy mother of jean knee's toast! Now he’s probably watching his back!
Why would you listen to Vinny anyway? Where does he get all this sage advice he keeps doling out.

The answer my friends, HAD ME ROLLING ON THE FLOOR LAUGHING WITH MY DUST BUNNIES!

Andy:
He read it in
Cosmo.
.
Vinny is 23.

29 comments:

  1. That Vinny-guy is smart! I had read somewhere that if you want to better understand the opposite sex, all you have to do is read "their" magazines. Aren't they all filled with "secrets" to this and that?

    Well, all you have to do is open one up and enter either Venus or Mars...

    Good advice for cramps...

    Can you tell Andy to ask Vinny what I should do to relieve eye puffiness?

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  2. Oh, BTW, I was FIRST!!! (And now second too!)

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  3. You jerk beat me by two minutes what did you do spy on her?


    Anyway, I personally think all men should read Cosmo. maybe they can find some sense in a girly magazine!!

    M

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  4. I'm like Commissioner Gordon ;)

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  5. Uhh she sent out a signal?

    That you can only see whithin chicago not all the way in hill billy GA!

    Am I understanding correct or do you have a BEE-phone???

    M

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  6. How did the subject of abdominal cramps come up in their conversation?

    It's a long time since I read Cosmo, but I don't think it was that enlightening...

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  7. Dear Bee,
    If my husband were to decide to read a girly magazine, I would like it to be something like Goodhouse Keeping or Martha Stewart Living. Or something that will make it worth my time. If he learned how to take out an evil stain or make an amazing dinner, THAT would be good reading.
    How old were you two when you started dating?
    Love
    Tracy

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  8. Oh and I'm supposed to tell you that my husband thinks it's awesome that you quote Seinfeld and now My Cousin Vinny. You're ok in his book.

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  9. There's 13 years between my husband and I. He's older of course.

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  10. It makes me laugh when he talks about going to 80's hair band concerts and I was still in Elementary School.

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  11. And now I'm 11th!!!!
    Woooooohooooooooo.
    I'm back baby!

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  12. I'm jelous of this Vinny guy, there was a time when Andy talked about me in the same way.
    When I first started working at my old job ( the tannery ) I was 18, by far the youngest person in the company and all those old guys wanted my ass too. Not that there's anything wrong with that. As I grew older they didn't find me that atracctive anymore. When I was about 24 a new guy started, he was 18 and I lost my spot. Bunch of pervs. men can be such perves !!!!!

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  13. I heard on the radio this morning that men that do household chores have more sex. The wives are so happy for the help that’s their reward. I wonder if they got that from Vinny. Nah, Forget about it!

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  14. well, I never!

    Drew is four years younger than I am.

    I picked him up in a bar where he was underage and had gotten in with a fake ID, 20 years old,
    now he's 38 and I still have him

    that's romance baby

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  15. Ask Vinny what I should do about my flippin direct TV

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  16. hey bee's musings,

    any entry that opens with a My Cousin Vinny quote gets a thumbs up from me...

    http://harrisbloom.blogspot.com/2008/02/yurt-whats-yurt.html

    rock on,

    aitch

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  17. Crazy Ez:
    Cosmo is not the place to go for secrets. Jane used to be but now it's gone.
    I'll ask Vinny. Or have Andy ask Vinny.

    M:
    Maybe Glamour. They have some nice shoes nice nice shoes.
    Crazy Ez has a spidey sense! ;op

    BRIAN!:
    Great question! I will be asking him when I see him next! It couldn't be because of my mood swings since I'm ALWAYS UH... pleasant.

    Tracy:
    Andy and Istarted dating when he was 21 and I 25. I've known him since he was 18.
    Tell your husband HE rocks! :o)
    GLAD TO SEE YOU BACK!

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  18. Dan:
    Do you need a hug??? Don't worry, I'm sure the new piece of ass that came in wasn't that good looking.

    Marie:
    I'm sure the did get it form Vinny. :o)

    jean knee:
    Vinny says to threaten them with corpal punishment and he'll be right there.

    Harris:
    My favorite part of the movie is when Stan thinks he's about to get butt... well you know.

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  19. I read Cosmo, but only for the pictures.

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  20. bee - have you ever read men's health? it's the male equivalent of cosmo.

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  21. I've read Cosmo magazine exactly one time. It was a column on how to thrill your man in bed or something. Anyway they wanted me to get a big rock and leave it in the hot summer sun. Then, during the (ahem) sex act itself I was supposed to somehow get the stone and put it on my partners balls. I've never tested this but my theory is that it's a one way ticket to getting slapped. Not in a good way.

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  22. I bet Vinny is a pretty man who can rock the Cosmo quiz.

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  23. I sometimes will page through one of these types of magazines just see how crazy you women are.

    SC

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  24. When you said "The Answer my friends" I thought for sure, you'd finish that with a "is blowing in the wind."

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  25. I always heard that you should bend over while seated on the potty and rock back and forth. Really.

    That takes care of abdominal cramps.

    Now, if your man listens to the suck musical group, The Crammps, you have bigger problems that only headphones will solve.

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  26. Jeff:
    Yeah, that's about all it's good for!

    leigh:
    I might pick one up this weekend, sounds interesting!

    Bex:
    I don't know any guy who would let us do that. Not one.

    FADKOG:
    Now I want to meet this guy.

    SC:
    Yeah right! You probably take their advice on face masks.

    EWBL:
    Great minds thin alike, I was humming that soong after I wrote that.

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  27. No!

    HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!
    tears Bee.
    TEARS.

    :D

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  28. BEE, I JUST READ DAN'S BLOG, IN WHICH YOU STATE HE IS THE FUNNIEST OF YOUR BROTHERS... IS HE THE FUNNIEST, OR THE ONLY ONE WITH A BLOG???

    THIS IS WAR!! WHERE DO I SIGN UP TO START MY OWN BLOG???

    So I blind man walks into a bar, sits, asks for a drink and says "hey do you all want to here a blonde joke?". The woman sitting next to him says "Sir I know you are blind, so let me explain this to you, I am an off duty police officer, I am 6'1", bench press 305, and I am blonde. The bartender is a black belt in Ju Jitsu and is blonde. The bouncer is also blonde, an ex parole officer, weighs 220 lbs of pure aggression, and is standing right next to you ready to take you down. Now, are you SURE you want to tell your little 'blonde joke'??" The man defeated says "Well if I am going to have to explain it three times after telling it HELL NO!!!" Now that is funny.

    AND YES I DID TYPE IN CAPITAL LETTERS ON PURPOSE.

    THE FUNNY ONE IN THE FAMILY, AND THE BEST LOOKING ONE TOO.

    SC

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  29. BEE! IM DYING OVER HERE! I CAN BARELY TYPE! MAYBE VINNY SHOULD HAVE HIS OWN BLOG AND GIVE ADVICE HELL MAYBE I'LL DO THAT!!

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Ask me no questions and I’ll tell you no lies.