The following post may contain material that is offensive to mothers. While I do not apologize for the words you’re about to read, I do want to make sure you do not live near me when you read them.
You know, on the off chance you’d like to come over and get all in my face for talking smack about your offspring.
Before you read on, you must answer this question.
How long would it take you to get to Chicago?
If your answer is “an hour or more”, you may read on.
If your answer is “I’m standing outside your door right now!”
Let me prepare my attack dog Tazzer The Ferocious before you read this post. (I prepare him by showing him pictures of you and then saying “They’re coming to give you a bath!” nothing makes him angrier than being clean. Except maybe being petted. And looking at him. Or breathing.)
Sure, he might not look menacing there but that's our secret weapon!
I was semi-listening to the news the other day when I heard them say something about a high pitched device that only humans between the ages of 13-23 could hear. Some places are using it as a deterrent for gangs and loiterers.
I want to quickly, before anybody TRIES to beat me up, say that I love this idea!
There is nothing that scares me more than teenagers (and babies with guns)! They seem to have no respect for their uh… what’s the word I’m looking for? Not elders since I’m barely over the age of 23 myself. Um… people with slightly more experience than them?
Anyway, my office building is in a more economical area of my suburb. There are tons of families living in apartment buildings that have, you guessed it, allot of teenagers.
They like to hang out in the parking lot, sitting on people’s cars, having snowball fights no matter who's trying to get into their cars. Drs, nurses, ME.
One day, I got into my car and as I was pulling away, 2 of them jumped in front of me! I had to slam on the breaks! I put my car in park and opened the door.
When I was a teen, this would have been enough to send me running. Instead, one of them came nearer, talking crap. I reached in, turned off the ignition and took my keys. I whipped out my cell phone and told them sweetly to stay where they were so that I could call the police. This did the trick but what about the next time?
THEY HAVE NO FEAR!
They remind me of the Squirrel/pigeons Seinfeld episode where George killed pigeons and ran over a squirrel. He kept shouting "we have a deal" that they're supposed to move out of the way. (Sadly, I live my life reliving Seinfeld/Simpsons/Friends episodes)
What are my options? I can't beat them senseless, nor would I want too, because I'd look like the bad guy.
I say we should award the inventors of this device the Noble Peace Prize for keeping people safe... and me out of jail.
Unless, they start to evolve and manage to develop an immunity to high frequencies!
Then we're all doomed!