Thursdays are usually the days OZ does surgeries so he never shows up at the office. You would think it'd be the best day of the week to work, right?
Wrong!
Usually the bats think it's socializing time. I call it Social Thursday.
The day wasn't bad so far, I'd had my coffee. I was filling pretty mellow, especially cuz it was treat day and I decided to have a BROWNIE for breakfast, YEAH I SAID IT!
I heard the door open and CL talking to a man. The man started getting louder and louder. I
WELCOME TO FUCK OFF FRIDAY ON A... WELL, FRIDAY!
Turns out he was an attorney who was pissed off because OZ hadn't called him back. He assumed OF COURSE! that I was the one holding OZ hostage and not letting him make phone calls.
Believable right? I mean, if I can force the receptionist to remain chained to her desk without any peeing breaks...
If you guys were to see me in person, besides being shocked by my magnificent beauty, you would never in a million years think I'm a threat. I'm short, I don't have horns coming outta my head, no serpent tongue. I do have claws though. They look kind of dorky right now because the middle one broke and now I have the most important finger of the set looking naked.
Once CL told him who I was, this douche bag decided to assault my ears with every fucking insult his thesaurus gave him for the word incompetent.
Now, a calmer woman would have called security, the police or Superman.
But no, not me. In the stupidest decision I've made this week, I got in his face and reciprocated in kind.
Was that the right thing to do? Probably not but you know what? Fuck it!
I told him to take his shitty briefcase stuff it up his ass and waddle out of the office! He said something about him advising his client to sue OZ and me personally. I asked him if he wanted my address.
By this time Glynda came running to the front desk and the security guy came thru the front door. The rest will be written in the annals of the Asylum. I was shaking but IT FELT GOOD!
OZ came over from the hospital as soon as he could and called his attorney. Now a whole bunch of other people will become involved.
Long after I have moved on, they will remember my name, for Thursday was the day I became a Legend!
It was about fuckin' time!
Oh yeah, to that asshole attorney, HE CAN FUCK OFF!!
......
Here's the thing. I would like to ask 4 easy things from you.
First, I know you love me so you're probably feeling a little bit of pity for me.
Don't.
Pity is for assholes. I. Am. Not. An. Asshole.
Second, if you leave me a comment, please start it "Legendary Bee". Don't worry, that title will expire after this post. Unless you want to continue, please don't let me stop you.
Third, I need you to help me decide between a mechanical pencil and the old fashioned kind of pencil. I like the mechanical one because I can just click a button for more led instead of getting up to sharpen it.
I like the old fashioned one because I can BITE down on it in stressful situations and it usually reminds me that a bullet might hurt more.
Fourth, please click on Humor-Blogs for me because I'm sliding down the ranks and you don't want to see me angry. ;op
P.S.
I'm milking my traumatic day by taking the day off and decluttering my house. If I don't visit you, that's why.
Legendary FIRST
ReplyDeleteI vote for the traditional pencil - mechanical ones seem to break too often.
ReplyDeleteIf you ever find yourself in the Lake District (perhaps if you have to emigrate for any reason, like being pursued by lawyers), you might want to visit The world-famous pencil museum
Brian, I can't understand what you're saying because you didn't say "Legendary Bee"
ReplyDeleteGo back to the end of the line!
And, what about the sharpening thing?
Dear Legendary Bee,
ReplyDeleteI don't pity you, I envy you! I was once a take up for myself, in your face, fuck off person myself. Then I had children and now I have to pretend to be a decent, let's work it out with nice words, kind of person. And trust me, in the mother world, there are a lot of people you'd like to tell "Fuck Off!"
Here are just a few:
That mom who thinks her kid is way gifted and takes every breath to tell you how much better her kid is than yours, FUCK OFF!
To that receptionist in the doctors office who felt she had to convince me that I didn't work because I am a STAY AT HOME MOM even though I do WAY MORE THAN SHE DOES IN ONE DAY Fuck OFF!
That's all I've got for now. Thank you for letting be participate in Fuck Off Friday On A Friday or FOFOAF as I like to call it. I feel much better.
Praise be to you, Oh Legendary Bee!
Love
Tracy
P.S.
ReplyDeleteDear Legendary Bee,
I prefer the traditional pencil. Like Brian who we could not understand because he didn't address you properly, I find that the mechanical ones break too easily.
Forever in Awe Of Your Awesomness, Oh Legendary Bee,
Love
Tracy
Legendary Bee
ReplyDeleteWhat did OZ have to say about your fight with the lawyer?
I need more details, word for word with the lawyer.
I wonder why Brian hasn't commented yet.
Dan:
ReplyDeleteI can't bring myself to be that sycophantic.
Leg. Bee:
Will that do?
Pencil sharpeners are readily available items. You know where you are with a traditional pencil. You know when they're about to run out. They make more effective weapons.
SAVE THE PENCIL!
I can't do it either
ReplyDeleteI like my pencils to be sharpenable.
even though you can't hear me, good luck decluttering your house, at least you don't have a craft hoard, huh?
I wish I could sic you on the lawyer who lives next door
Legendary Bee
ReplyDeleteIt must have felt really good to have been able to tell off a lawyer face to face. He must have no b@lls to come and argue with women in a doctor’s office.
Legendary Bee, it is through you I vicariously live. I talk a big talk in the break rooms and in my brain, but you? You are full on, real life bad ass! I would love your autograph, and I'd hope you'd write it with a regular old pencil. Those mechanical ones are fickle.
ReplyDeleteLegendary Bee,
ReplyDeleteThe whole pencil thing...
I can't make up my mind either. I like the old fashioned ones when they have just been sharpened but I have sharpening them so I like the mechanical ones but they just don’t seem natural...
Tracy:
ReplyDeletePeople who think SAHM don't work really piss me off! Hell yeah she can FUCK OFF! ;op
Thank you for your pencil input. So far it seems the old fashioned one is winning.
Dan:
I was still so PISSED OFF last night when I started posting this I couldn't provide details without hyperventilating.
I think I'm better now.
OZ was terrified because I was so angry. Everyone was shell shocked. The oldies kept asking if I needed anything 'would you like me to bring you some cheese?' I can never say no to cheese.
OZ knew he fucked up because I'd been asking him to call the scumbag piece of regurgitated dog shit lawyer for about 3 weeks now. I told him I wanted a raise. We'll see if he takes me seriously. He better right? ;o)
When the security guy came in, the lawyer raised his hands "I have no gun" style and walked out. I don't know why but I thought that was hilarious!
Oz's attorney will be informing the Bar Rules and Regulations people.
To rate my day from one to ten, one being the suckiest -500,000
They asked me if I wanted to go home because I was so agitated but I got a kick out of watching them stand up against the wall every time I walked by. That was fun.
Brian:
I would have gone with
"L'eg and 'ary Bee" or "Leg an dary Bee"
Me, I don't get insulted easily but I hope nobody gets mad at you for calling them 'crazy nutsos'!
jean knee:
If I could understand you, I'd say 'free airfare is all I need'
Nancy:
I think he thought OZ would be there and exploded when he wasn't. Lucky for him, I'm not an ordinary woman.
FADKOG:
Just doing my part in the fight against nice people against asshole world domination. :o)
Wow! Everybody so far has picked the old fashioned one!
Nancy:
A nicely sharpened pencil is like a brownie with milk! mmmmm
Yesterday was a bad fuckin' day! But today, I get to spend it with a little 5 year old helpful munchkin who doesn't ask to be paid to do my dirty work. :o)
ReplyDeleteDon't worry, I'll still pay her in cookies.
Oh great, awe inspiring, wonderful, lovely, LEGENDARY Bee,
ReplyDelete(that should cover it), may I continue?
Thank you.
I vote for the traditional pencil.
Mechanical pencils, although great in their ever-sharp capacity, do not stay stuck to acoustic ceiling panels.
legendary bee, you yelled at an attorney! I LOVE IT. They are all assholes. I've worked for them, dated them and gotten rolled by them so any opportunity to humiliate them by other people, I'm on board.
ReplyDeleteI never use pencils.
Lengendary Bee,
ReplyDeleteWow, I bet he didn't see that coming. I'm sure he felt like a total ass wipe after he got in his car.
Regular pencils rule!!
The Proud Sister-in-law
Legendary Bee,
ReplyDeleteJob well done. I actually didn't read about it here first - Anderson Cooper led into 360 with the asshole lawyer getting stung by the legendary Bee story. It was awesome.
I guess I should duck when I say this, but I really get off on mechanical pencils. Apparently I'm in the minority.
Legendary Bee....is this like Simon Says?
ReplyDeleteOh Great And Mighty Legendary Bee:
ReplyDeleteYou should forgo pencils all together and go with pens that use real, live A-hole lawyers blood for ink instead.
I got yelled at on Tuesday for doing my job. This bag and her friend and their German Shepherd were standing in the middle of the street. I assumed they would move and I proceeded to keep driving. On my way back, Bag #1 started screaming at me for speeding down her "private" road. At which point I yelled back at her telling her that any douchebag with an ounce of self-preservation would figure out that a car driving directly towards them means they should move their azz out of the damn street immediately.
ReplyDeleteShe didn't like this.
There's some beyotches in my very own neighborhood that think they can lay around on their lawn chairs gossipping while their toddlers run around in the middle of the road virtually unsupervised. They put up orange cones as though that should stop all thru traffic from daring to enter their concrete domain.
ReplyDeleteThey too should get up off their lazt azz and take the kids to our neighborhood park around the corner from them instead of obstructing traffic and shooting death ray eyes at people just trying to pass.
Library click and home click.
ReplyDeleteClicking Wonder Twins...ACTIVATE!
Leg-e Bee:
ReplyDeleteI can't wait to HEAR every single detail about what happened with that a-hole...
Pencils? Without a doubt REAL ONES!!! But not just any pencil will do for me, I specifically need #2 Ticonderoga pencils-they sharpen great, write awesome and even smell good!
I'm going to have to bring you one next time I see you...
Legendary Bee!
ReplyDeleteMaybe he wanted some of your brownie, just a thought.
I don't like mechanical pencils. They make me mad and I don't see a reason for their existance. So my vote is for traditional pencils, just like mother nature intended.
Legendary Bee!!!
ReplyDeleteWhen you said the lawyer walked into a bar, I hope you meant in the literal sense. Mind you, he would probably sue the bar for damages.
I dislike lawyers with a passion after dealing with one because someone would rather pay a lawyer than a small minimal fee. Good for you. I think most lawyers fashion themselves after Dracula (cold heartless bloodsuckers).
I would go with the mechanical pencil (no need to sharpen).
I will click on the link (can you reciprocate?).
Legendary Bee:
ReplyDeleteMight I recommend this? Its a traditional pencil, but shaped for comfort. And its black, which makes it cool. And its a little longer than a yellow pencil. The 120 of pencils, if you will.
http://www.pencilrevolution.com/2005/10/tri-conderoga/
And yes, that is a blog about pencils.