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So... I'm going back to my Weight Watchers counting points thing. This works for me because I still get to eat regular food without cloggin up my arteries and/or doing fad diets where I can only eat something on Wednesdays from 12:01 to 12:17 pm.
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This meant digging out my my handy dandy little notebook where I keep my stats on what I've eaten and how many points I've used and have left.
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When I read my prior attempts at über fat loss, I nearly fell out of my chair and came to the realization that I am in fact A NUTJOB!!
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I will now share my mini rants, typos, weirdness and all, with you, my judgmental readers.
DATE 3/5/07 I have XX points to use.
Day one
Breakfast:
Heavenly coffee, 1/2 teaspoon of creamer and sugar
Weight control oatmeal instructions say to add water instead of milk. Who tells you to put water in oatmeal? Sadist that's who!
Lunch:
Weight Watchers meal
not too horrible but a little styrofoamy for my taste
Snack:
GOD FORSAKEN APPLE I hate apples!
Dinner:
Measured rice, small chicken breast measured beans 2 tortillas
Snack:
Granola bar. mmmm chocolate chip!!
Saved 5 points into bank Woowhoo!
Day two:
Breakfast:
Coffee elixir of the GODS!! some cream and shugaaaah shooooogaaaahhhhh
Crappy Oatmeal I'd put milk in it but then I'd have to carry another freakin' container! I'm carrying too much food around already! What am I going on a trek to the alps and don't want to eat my Sherpas?? Do Sherpas go with you up the alps or am I inventing people where they don't belong?
Lunch:
WW meal. meh.
Snack:
Who the hell invented apples?? They are not good unless they're covered in caramel and peanuts otherwise they're just weird and chewy! I hate Johnny Apple Seed and his obsessive need to spread his seed!! Ha ha that tickled my funny bone!! Apples still suck. And they have Cyanide I think.
Dinner:
POZOLE!! Yeah how the hell can I tell how many points that is?? Nevertheless <-weird word... I served myself a smaller portion and I'm using the 5 banked points just in case it's more than the allotted 8 I gave it. It has cabbage. Doesn't smelly cabbage count for something?
Snack:
Le banana. Mmm le le bananannanna yummy baaaananananaaa!! Eh-O Eeeehh-OOO daylight come and me wanna go home! Where'd that come from? LUCKILY nobody will ever see this or they'll for sure lock me up! FO' SHO'!!
Day 3:
Breakfast:
MMMMMMMMCOFFFEEEEE creamy shoooogar!!!
Screw the oatmeal.
Lunch:
More cardboard in the form of a WW meal. blech. had a couple of bites but it's just not very appetizing I'd rather wait for my snack.
Snack:
OOOOOORANGE! The orange came and beat the crap out of the apple and made it into apple sauce and I threw it in the garbage where it belongs! Actually, I like apple sauce weird. Apple pie can suck it though.
Dinner:
Hmmmmm Enfrijoladas (quesadillas with bean sauce). Sigh! Okay, I'm counting everything individually. 3 tortillas about 3 oz of cheese CUZ MY MOM SKIMPS ON CHEESE KNOWING HOW MUCH I LIKE IT!! about 4 oz of bean juice and some sliced tomatoes. DAMN IT!! How can I function in the real world? How?? Whatever, I'm using the points I didn't use for breakfast so we're L 7 SQUARE!
Snack:
No snack. I have no idea how many points I have left.
Day 4:
Breakfast:
Coffee. This is the only thing keeping me alive right now. MY COFFEE!! If not for my coffee my head would be on this here desk not budging one inch ONE INCH!! That doesn't sound half bad.
Lunch:
I wonder how long it took apes to prepare this WW meal? Did they incorporate their feces in here? Look at me saying feces when I really mean SHIT!! I'm gonna ask Andy to get me a Lean Cuisine. With a word like cuisine it can't be half bad right? ANSWER ME YOU STUPID NOTEBOOK!!!!
Snack
blaggghhhhh!
Johnny Apple seeds descendants will suffer my wrath!! The old ladies I work with said they are the best fruit to eat because they cure male pattern baldness or some such shit! who cares? not me FO' SHO'!!!
Dinner:
Carne de Oinko en chile...
Fuck it! I don't need to live to be 100 or go hiking! Living long is overrated I say! Half the time you can't figure out if you just took a dump on the toilet or your wheel chair.
GOOD-BYE NOTEBOOK FROM HELL!!!!
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Months later, I started a blog. Do you see how that worked out?
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I'll try to do better this time around. Especially now that my Andy makes me the most delish salads AND the Lean Cuisines are yummy. Plus, I had decided to eat bananananas instead of the HORRIBLE RETCHED APPLES ::BLECH!!::
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You know what will help me lose weight? If you click on Humor-Blogs for me.
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P.S.
Why the Patrick Duffy movie? Sorry, Patrick Dempsey. He always looks puffy maybe that's why I think his last name is Duffy.
apples do suck, unless they are dipped in carmel...other than that they are best for throwing...
ReplyDeletePozole! I have an adorable friend who makes this for me, a chicken version. It seems that the lime, chile and cilantro would burn off anything accumulating from the hominy. Plus it's just so damn good.
ReplyDeleteYour WW post is turning into food porn for me.
It sounds like you need a burger.
ReplyDeleteApples are a choking hazard.
Why do they always have a thing about milk? It's not like there's that much fat in it.
Try living in an area where you are surrounded by apples! We have orchards everywhere, there are applesauce factories in the next town over, and our frippin fall festival is all based on apple butter making, which the locals here call "The Butta". It's horrible!
ReplyDeleteBee,
I have to tell you, I knew that you and I were kindred spirits if you really wrote in your notebook that way.
Before starting my blog, I decided I was going to journal again (I hadn't since high school). But after the first few entries, I thought my arm was going to fall off from all of the needless things I felt neccassary to write.
Good luck on the diet. I hate them.
Oh, I forgot, I made great fried apples. You would like those!
ReplyDeleteI don't say the word 'diet'. I use the phrase - 'I'm getting serious'...about 8 times a month. That lasts for a day and a half until Babycakes walks in with some Oreos. Let me know if you come up with a coffee diet - I could totally get on board with that plan.
ReplyDeletecoffee enemas are supposed to really cleanse the colon and promote weight loss
ReplyDeletemaybe a coffee facial would work too
I have never understood all that Patrick Dempsey hype
why didn't you tell me that apples cure male pattern baldness?
ReplyDeleteI love apples and now I'll be eating more of them.
No one should have to live like that.
ReplyDeleteI love apples btw, but they must be crispy and sweet.
April:
ReplyDeleteYup! They go ::splat!:: pretty awesomely!
Deb:
There's a blog I read which is called The Food Pornographer. My mouth waters.
Brian:
I don't know what the issue with milk is and we, women, have to do the whole calcium thing.
Tracy:
Yup. I really did write that stuff. I was talking to my aunt and she mentioned she was reading letter I'd written and she was laughing her ass off. I have no recollection of this so called written by me letters. (My aunt is a year younger than I am.)
Fried apples? I don't even want to know how many points that would be!
Alice:
Hey, models function on coffee and cigarettes. They might be on to something!
jean knee:
Hmmmmm... I don't know, I pretty much like my coffee on the other end. Dempsey is an ugmo.
Dan:
Consider the source, these are the original old wives that invented old wives tales.
Now THAT was some funny feces! Was your male pattern baldness cured by all of those dad-gum retched apples from hell? (Can you tell I'm not an apple eater either?)
ReplyDeleteAs for the coffee diet? OOPS, I don't say that word, it's just "DIE" with a "t" at the end. Anyway, should you discover a way to decrease our body weight through the consumption of LOTS of coffee; I'm right behind Alice in joining.
Marie:
ReplyDeleteI know right! It's always harder to get in shape after winter when my body decides to store all fat in case I decided to become a bear.
Queen Goob:
I will get right on that coffee diet. Could be my ticket to becoming a millionaire and being able to afford body reconstruction.
I don't go on diets. I just be fat! Yay me! :)
ReplyDeleteWhat's the deal with Patrick Duffy? I like him. That's cause I adored him in "Can't Buy Me Love."
And in "Enchanted."
I've never once watched that Anatomy show, though.
i hate weight watchers. i can't do the point thing. i distinctly remember being delirously hungry one time and foraging around my pantry looking for something to eat because i had about 2 points left for the whole day and it was 4pm. i think i ended up eating a can of unsweetened pumpkin. yeech!!!
ReplyDeletenow, i do low carb, and i've never looked back. salads and chicken. it really works and i never have to measure or count anything. it's the shizz!
I love what Leigh said! The burden of the points!
ReplyDeleteguess whoooo?? i just drove by your house and saw your flower tree!
ReplyDeletewhat the hell is bean juice, and do you count that as a vegetable or a fruit!?
ReplyDeleteYou know what's a good apple?
Apple Jacks.
Not really "appley," though. That's probably why they're so damn good.
I think melons can suck it. I tell them that every time I go to the grocery store. Then I thump them, just to let them know I'm serious this time.
My magical powers over infants are size almost A.
ReplyDeleteI like apples.
ReplyDeleteCandied apples, fried apples, caramel apples, apple empanadas, apple fritters.....
Pozole? Seriously? With the meat and everything?
ReplyDeleteMy mami makes the bestest pozole ever. I, one the other hand, make the worst :(
Apples are overrated.
ReplyDeleteMy mom just started back to WW last week with a friend of hers. She offered to pay for me to go too but I'm not a team player. I work alone......that way I don't have to share any of my yummy food.
ReplyDeleteHEY!!! How did Elastic get in there?
ReplyDelete:D
HEY!!!!
ReplyDeleteShe did it again. Maybe she's the one with the magical powers.
I wonder where those come from.
Papi's specialty is Sopes(spelling?) and they are so freakin delicious. He piles up the Oaxaca cheese and makes the tortillas from scratch. Sabrosa!
ReplyDeleteProbably worth a million and one WW points, though.
I don't have magical boobie power over infants, NCS, mine serve as a suffocation hazard since I could practically stuff an entire baby up underneath the arc of my massive bosoms.
ReplyDeleteDid I do it? Did I win the comment war?
ReplyDeleteE-L-A-S-T-I-C is a ganadora! (which sure beats being a gonorrhea)