From the moment I met her I was intrigued. A person that doesn’t enjoy sinking their teeth into a bloody filet mignon?? I knew of their existence but I had never before come face to face with one. Or maybe I had but they blend in with us regular carnivores so well that I had not seen the signs.
I approached her with caution. Would she think my fingers were baby carrots and start munching away?
For the sake of humanity (and some good vegetarian casserole recipes), I decided to have a sit down interview with this strange being. I will ask her my serious questions and report her answers and reactions EXACTLY as she gives them.
I served donuts and coffee. Don’t worry, I did read the label to make sure there was no meat products in the ingredients list.
Bee: Hi Maria, you may know me as Rick’s sister and aunt to your baby. Do you mind if I ask you some questions?
Maria: It’s fine, I don’t mind.
Bee: How did you become a vegetarian? Were you infected by a virus, attacked by a bunch of celery or were you created in a lab?
Maria: [giggle] Created in a lab [laughs]
Bee: So you don’t eat anything that might have had a face on it at one time, right? Is it because you fear their souls coming back and nibbling at your toes?
Maria: [laughs giggle] Yes I am very fearful.
Bee: What about those veggies that are shaped like human genitalia would you eat those?
Bee: But, would you eat them?
Maria: As long as they taste like regular veggies.
Maria: [laughs] I don’t think so! I’d give it a proper burial though. Did you make up these questions??
Bee: Yes I did but let’s not make this about me m’mkay?? Were you traumatized when they discovered beef flavoring in McDonald’s French fries? Like would you have preferred they be seasoned with asparagus instead?
Maria: I HAD NO IDEA! I guess that means no more fries for me! [looks sad... and a little hungry so I hide my fingers].
Interviewers note—they stopped doing that because the argument was raised stating that if no beef is used in their burgers, they shouldn’t use it in their fries either.
Bee: So when you’re walking down the grocery aisle and you see an eggplant, is the desire to eat it so irresistible that you lose control and devour it while the broccoli screams?
Maria: No, I have more of a desire for lettuce. I’m not a big fan of eggplant.
Bee: Shhh!! The vegetarian militia might hear you! [I get up to make sure there were no radishes storming my castle] Are there many people like you?
Maria: [gives me an odd look. almost as if she thinks my sanity is not all there] I know of at least 2 people who are more extreme than me.
Interviewers note— she didn’t say it but these 2 extremists might be responsible for the Great Tomato Massacre of 1812.
Bee: In closing, what can we do to prevent vegetarianism from spreading?
Maria: Nothing. I suggest you do nothing.
Bee: What do you mean, nothing?? Isn't it contagious??
Maria: No! It’s not like it’s airborne.
Interviewers note— I wish I would have known that before buying this Hazmat suit! Now I’m all sweaty.
Maria, thank you for being such a great sport! Can you do me a favor and tell others of your kind that we come in peace and are only looking for a great cut of meat? And I personally am a strong supporter of grilled onions... on a GREAT BIG BACON CHEESEBURGER! Dammit! Now I'm hungry!
I apologize for any babbling I might have done on yesterday's double post but my filter was slightly off.