Tuesday, March 3, 2009

From the same people that loved reading Interview with a Vampire, Bee’s Musings presents: Interview with a Vegetarian.


From the moment I met her I was intrigued. A person that doesn’t enjoy sinking their teeth into a bloody filet mignon?? I knew of their existence but I had never before come face to face with one. Or maybe I had but they blend in with us regular carnivores so well that I had not seen the signs.

I approached her with caution. Would she think my fingers were baby carrots and start munching away?

For the sake of humanity (and some good vegetarian casserole recipes), I decided to have a sit down interview with this strange being. I will ask her my serious questions and report her answers and reactions EXACTLY as she gives them.

I served donuts and coffee. Don’t worry, I did read the label to make sure there was no meat products in the ingredients list.

Bee: Hi Maria, you may know me as Rick’s sister and aunt to your baby. Do you mind if I ask you some questions?

Maria: It’s fine, I don’t mind.

Bee: How did you become a vegetarian? Were you infected by a virus, attacked by a bunch of celery or were you created in a lab?

Maria: [giggle] Created in a lab [laughs]

Bee: So you don’t eat anything that might have had a face on it at one time, right? Is it because you fear their souls coming back and nibbling at your toes?

Maria: [laughs giggle] Yes I am very fearful.

Bee: What about those veggies that are shaped like human genitalia would you eat those?

cutoffcarrotMaria: [shocked] What?? I haven't seen them. I’d be interested in seeing them.

Bee: But, would you eat them?

Maria: As long as they taste like regular veggies.

mmmmmBee: Okay, let’s say you are walking by the side of the road and found a dead cow, would you not even eat it then?? I don’t mean to judge but it would be so wasteful for you not to.

Maria: [laughs] I don’t think so! I’d give it a proper burial though. Did you make up these questions??

Bee: Yes I did but let’s not make this about me m’mkay?? Were you traumatized when they discovered beef flavoring in McDonald’s French fries? Like would you have preferred they be seasoned with asparagus instead?

Maria: I HAD NO IDEA! I guess that means no more fries for me! [looks sad... and a little hungry so I hide my fingers].

Interviewers note—they stopped doing that because the argument was raised stating that if no beef is used in their burgers, they shouldn’t use it in their fries either.

Bee: So when you’re walking down the grocery aisle and you see an eggplant, is the desire to eat it so irresistible that you lose control and devour it while the broccoli screams?

Maria: No, I have more of a desire for lettuce. I’m not a big fan of eggplant.

Bee: Shhh!! The vegetarian militia might hear you! [I get up to make sure there were no radishes storming my castle] Are there many people like you?

Maria: [gives me an odd look. almost as if she thinks my sanity is not all there] I know of at least 2 people who are more extreme than me.

Interviewers note— she didn’t say it but these 2 extremists might be responsible for the Great Tomato Massacre of 1812.

Bee: In closing, what can we do to prevent vegetarianism from spreading?

Maria: Nothing. I suggest you do nothing.

Bee: What do you mean, nothing?? Isn't it contagious??

Maria: No! It’s not like it’s airborne.

Interviewers note— I wish I would have known that before buying this Hazmat suit! Now I’m all sweaty.


Maria, thank you for being such a great sport! Can you do me a favor and tell others of your kind that we come in peace and are only looking for a great cut of meat? And I personally am a strong supporter of grilled onions... on a GREAT BIG BACON CHEESEBURGER! Dammit! Now I'm hungry!


I apologize for any babbling I might have done on yesterday's double post but my filter was slightly off.


  1. FIRST!!!!!!!!!

    The big mistake tha these vegetarian types make is finding out where their food comes from - if McDonald's had kept the beef fries thing otu of the papers, or if no-one told the veggies that meat comes from animals there'd be no problem.

  2. SECOND!!!!!!


    Thanks for warning us of the inner workings of the minds of these strange creatures. I feel somehow safer about the future ...

  3. I am so relieved. She does not sound scary at all. Good job with the interview. Now I'm craving a beef-less burger from McDonald's.

    Maybe I'll just go for a veggie burger.


  4. veal has never sounded better mmmmm

    maybe with a side of foie gras


  5. you've inspired me to post an interview too :)

  6. BRIAN!

    There was a lot of giggling going on. I wonder if vegetables make you a giggler.

  7. PS: Yes, you are the only person to wish me a Happy Blogaversary before it actually happened.
    The day before.

    Thanks Bee, you really really care.

  8. Brian:
    I agree. My mom used to love eating crab rangoon until she found out their were crabs in there.

    I risked my life for you guys, I'm glad it was for good.

    blech on the Mickey Dee's burgers.

    jean knee x 2:
    I've never tried veal but now I will kill a baby cow in your honor.

    Awesome! I can't wait to read it!

    NCS x 2:
    I think it does!

    I knew it! I am your #1 fan! ;o)

  9. Uh oh ... I don't like bloody filet mignons. Does that make me a vegetarian?

  10. yeah but does she eat CHEESE???

  11. Rhonda:
    Yes. I'm not sure if there is a vaccine for you so please quarantine yourself.

    CHEEEEESE? ;o)
    She's a vegetarian not a vegan. I hear those are meaner.

    I could never be a vegan. I love cheese and butter way too much.

  12. TWELVE!!!!!

    I wonder how she feels about genetic mutation of vegetables and fruits? You know...grapes without seeds, etc.

    Did you carry salad dressing to protect yourself in the event of a sneak attack?

  13. I used to be a vegetarian, and I can't even remember why now...

    Why do I want a big steak all of a sudden?

  14. This interview was very informative. All this time I have lived in fear of Vegetarians. I wouldn't let my children play with their vegetarian children, I wouldn't eat at a restaurant that served them, and I rushed through the produce section at the grocery store for fear of one trying to attack me and make me one of them.
    I probably still shouldn't have any of them over to my house though, considering we have a cow that we're planning on turning into steaks soon. The hubs has affectionately named him T-Bone.

  15. I still feel that an interview with a stay at home mom would be just as informative but what do I know?

  16. Great post!

    I love eating vegetable genitalia. I just hope i don't get any herpes from them. vegetable herpes, i mean.

  17. OK ... this is really weird, but I now crave a salad!

    Is it contagious?? (can I have bacon bits?)

  18. I applaud you. Great interview.

    One of my greatest hopes in life is that scientists will discover, without a doubt, that plants can feel pain. Then the sappy, hippie vegan idiots will starve to death.


  19. I hate vegetarians. If you go out to eat the world revolves around them.

  20. Informative and funny. Great interview Bee. I had no idea vegetarians were so much like humans.

  21. Oooh I had a bacon cheeseburger for my dinner tonight. The only vegetable I usually will eat is Ketchup and possibly Jim Brady. I have an awrd for you on my blog. No strings attached.

  22. This was very funny! So relieved to hear this horrible condition is not contagious

  23. this reminds me of an interview Chelsea Handler would do.
    funny, funny!

  24. VE:
    No dressing. I did have a steak in my pocket just in case.

    I had a nice hot dog last night. Although I don't think that's technically meat.

    Tracy x 2:
    I am here but to inform you. Glad I may have cleared up some misconceptions.

    kkkhrrm you have a blog khhhrm

    I couldn't help but notice that your initials are an anagram for STD...

    I salad is nothing without bacon bits! And maybe some chorizo.

    Yeah, some vegans are obnoxious but I blame that on the fact that they need to suck on a good sausage.

    This is my first vegetarian and I have to say she is über pleasant. She even cooks meat.

    I was as shocked as you are! ;o)

    mmmmm jim brady!
    Thanks for the love!

    I was relieved too since we share the same breathing space.

    Thanks! That was a great compliment! :o)

  25. She was made in a lab? is she an IVF baby?
    I new nothing good would come from humans playing God!

  26. HA Thanks Bee for your funny story comment. I almost want to think you knocked that soda on yourself in honor of me. I hope Yu's was delicious for you...mmm...

    Please translate this comment into spanish.


Ask me no questions and I’ll tell you no lies.