Maybe it's not a good idea to write a post while running a high fever because I seem to have lost my censoring skills.

I'm not really here right now because I'm still on a brain mending vacation but I needed to enlighten all the womens out there, and some men too I guess, on the benefits of house work.

I have an App on my iPhone called "Lose It!". It asks for your body weight, what your goal weight is and how long you give yourself to reach your goal, then it tells you how many calories you should consume per day in order to meet your goal.

You enter the things you've eaten and it calculates calories, fat, protein etc.

You may also enter the amount of exercise you've had for the day and it guesstimates how many calories you've burned. Since I just started the App on Monday, and haven't joined a gym yet, I counted going to my side job last night for 3 hours (because I was doing some cleaning and heavy lifting) and scrubbing the tub when I got home as part of my exercise. To play it safe, I typed in ONE hour of "housework" instead of 3 and the App told me I had burned about 219 calories.

niiice!

As I was scrolling down to look at their other options for exercise, I saw Darts, Frisbee, Home Repair and a bunch of others but the one that caught my attention was "Sexual Activity".

Strictly out of curiosity, I clicked on it to see what it said.

First it asks you for the intensity "passive, light, kissing" "general, moderate" & "Active, vigorous".

So I tested "passive" and entered an hour-

ERH! ZERO calories burned!

I tried "general" and that gave us-

33 calories burned. Close but no cigar!

I tried "vigorous" and that gave us-

55 calories burned for one hour. Kinda whimpered out there at the end huh?

I'm wondering how they test these things. Do they account for solo acts?

Anyway! Burning 55 calories after some vigorous schtooping versus 219 from house work?

Listen, I'm not one to dismiss scientific data without some careful consideration. And also, we all know an hour of some slap and tickle is only possible in that island we'll call "Yeahrightland"! Perhaps I've said too much?

So the lesson of the day, ladies and gents, is: Stop wasting your time with the kooky nooky and do something productive like scrubbing a tub!

If you run out of things to clean in your home, shoot me an email and I'll let you come over and help me clean my house for free. You read that right, FOR FREE!

And now? The Nyquil awaits me!

You're ruining iPhone day!

I know you guys already know I have an iPhone because of the comic strip Andy did a few weeks ago (and because I won't shut up about it) but I don't think I ever shared the horrific battle that went on on the day I designated as "iPhone Day" and I really thinks it's a story that needs to be told. If not only to teach us all how to love.

It all started a couple of years ago when Apple announced they were coming out with the coolest most awesome-est cell phone ever. I went on their website and drooled and then I sent an email to everybody I knew (10 people)(okay 6) letting them know that when this phone came out, I, Bee Cor-Rut, would be the first in our family to own it!. Then I was kicked in the crotch by the price so I waited patiently for it to come down. Then I was crushed and one upped by Big Tex who bought one WHILST he was still working for Sprint. He then left Sprint and went to work for At&t because the evil Sprint spell had worn off and he knew he would do more good at At&t.

Okay, some time went by and they came up with a newer version, Big Tex bought the newer version and gave his hand me down to my sister Nancy.

Okay.

That's fine. I would bide my time for my perfect opportunity.
Then my brother Dan bought one. ::sigh:: Oh well at least I didn't have to see him every day . . .

Then Andy's phone went kapluey so the sensible thing was to replace his with an iPhone since it was only $50 more than a blackberry. Well, I married the man so I guess I shouldn't be this raving jealous so I wasn't, much.

To add insult to injury, my MOM bought one. You know what? She deserves it! I mean she delivered 5 children and I'm sure it wasn't the most pleasant of experiences since she didn't believe in epidurals.

Then my brother Sergio got one. He bought the iPhone with 36 iggybites and Christmas bells. In the meantime, I had a paper clip attached to my phone so that I could make phone calls.

Finally, after months of saving, I had enough for my very own iPhone. I called CNN, the Chicago Sun Times, the Daily Herald etc. and everybody was excited for me because they knew I was looking forward to this phone for years.

Via text message.

Bee: Big Tex, I coming over and buying an iPhone.

Big Tex: Okay.

Bee [as an after thought]: Can you check to make sure we have an update available?

Hours later, I see Big Tex is calling me. Must be serious.

Bee: Hhhhhhhello?

Big Tex: You're not eligible for an update until March of 2010.

Bee: Say huh?

[without the update the phone would be twice as much therefore making it impossible for me to buy]

Big Tex: Your brother Rick used your update earlier this year illegally at Radio Shack.

[Radio Shack can suck it! Dumb shit law breaking fuckers!]

Bee: ::cries::

Big Tex: This is what I suggest you do... [the rest is top secret][but it may have involved beating up Radio Shack]

Bee: ::mfhhmm sob:: ok

I get home and am rushing around making dinner (Country style BBQ ribs made in the slow cooker with my infamous mashed potatoes mmmmm) and I'm explaining all this info to Andy.

Bee: blah blah Rick, Radio Shack blah blah

Andy: ::ROAR ROAR!!!!::

Bee: STOP ROARING AT ME! Big Tex suggested... [explains top secret secret][SCREW YOU RADIO SHACK!!]

Andy: ::ROAR NO! ROAR ROOOOOOOAR!!::

and so it went for a few minutes.

Bee: You are going to make my head explode!! Not to mention you are ruining iPhone day!

So we brought the meal downstairs to eat amongst my family. Hello Awkward? It's me, Bee. It was tense because Andy and I were crushing each other's heads with our minds.

After a while, Andy came to his senses (the prospect of sleeping in the garage with the spiders was too much for him).

Andy: Fine.

And so we drove to the magical building that is At&t. This older lady beat us to Big Tex so we patiently waited. Oh look! My future case!


And we waited. People watched.

Some Kid and his parents came in because he was having problems with his phone. Turns out he was stupid enough to take a dunk in the lake with his cell phone in his pocket. Guess what, brain donor, no upgrade for you! Yeah, I guess I was being too cocky after my sobbing episode earlier in the day but that's part of my charm.

The parents decided not to buy him a replacement for $275 and opted to buy him a cheap GO phone at Best Buy for $30 and then just put in his SIM card. Even after he PROMISED TO PAY THEM BACK! He didn't say WHEN he'd pay them back. My guess was 2014. I'm glad the parents stuck to their guns because I see so many kids getting what they want when they want with no accountability for when they screw up. Take the 8-9 year old who was there with his mom and she was scolding him for the 200 text he had sent. Wow. My mom would have smacked me until I lost track of time.

And we waited some more.

It turns out that the woman buying the phone had been cryogenically frozen in the year 1679 and therefore needed a crash course in technology "but how can I hear the peoples talking in my ear?" so Big Tex had to patiently walk her through all the marvelous inventions available. If you are asking yourself how come they had Cryogenics in 1679 but they didn't have cell phones, I can't answer that because I wasn't around in 1679, I don't care how many rumors Andy spreads to the contrary.

I have to say this for Big Tex, he is a great, respectful salesman because when we mocked the woman after she finally left, he smiled at us, kinda like a father smiling at his wayward children, and then got down to business.

So far so good! I had my case in my hand, all I needed was the iPhone to go in the case. He brought one from the back, opened the box, put the plastic-y thing on the screen, put it in the case and then walked away with it.

I stood there, arms outstretched, watching my phone go to another part of the store. I assume this is what new moms feel like when they give birth and then watch their babies be taken away after a fast glimpse so that they can clean them and the mom's are thinking "are they bringing my baby back?? Don't take my baby away!". It's exactly like that right? Only mine was worse because I didn't even get to hold it close to my bosom before it was carted away. I was weepy because like all mother's I had already bonded with the little guy.

Anyway, Big Tex finally brought my baby and we finally walked out of the At&t store and celebrated by getting a Dunkin Donuts coffee for me and a strawberry milkshake for Andy.
(In case you're wondering, I took a picture of my iPhone with my iPhone, it is that cool!)

And the 9 of us lived happily ever after.

9= Andy, his iPhone, Me, my iPhone, Tazz, Mocha, Big Moe, Larry O. Pompadour and Curly the Acrobat.

P.S.
I promise this will be my last post about my iPhone. Unless it saves my life one day by pulling me outta of a well. Then all promises are off!