Tuesday, January 19, 2010

Dear Polar Bears, I regret to inform you. . .

I can no longer be responsible for saving your species.


It is with a heavy heart I have made this decision but I need, no, I MUST go back to using my bottled body wash. I know that now my empty bottles will fill the landfills that somehow contribute to your demise but this dry skin of mine is making me miserable. And when I'm miserable, those around me suffer so really it's for the greater good.

I know my pain and discomfort doesn't equal the obstacles you go through on a daily basis just to find one of those nefarious penguins I'm always hearing about so you can have it for din-din but I can't take responsibility for all things on Earth. Maybe I'll concentrate all my efforts on saving the butterflies.

Some people will say it's selfish of me to put my own comfort before that of a whole species but I would have to disagree and call those naysayers pushy-pansy-pants because, who else would be willing to take on the hate mail from people like PETA, Al Gore and Ed Begley Jr? That makes me brave. Brave and beautiful with soft skin. But wait. That doesn't mean you should try to eat me because, even though I may look appetizing, all the chemicals I use make me taste like a burnt out tire.

Since I couldn't bear (get it? BEAR? I crack myself up!) to look you in the eye, or knee caps since I'm so short, I am leaving this letter outside of your tank/cage at Lincoln Park Zoo. Although, now that I think about it, I haven't seen you in months! I'm hoping your extinction didn't come before my letter because that would mean I spent all this time typing out an apology when I could have been doing something more productive like watching my recorded Dick Van Dyke shows or maybe working.

Anyway, good luck to you! I hope you find somebody more worthy to take on your cause! But don't trust anybody with a shotgun and a fork. That's always been my motto.





  1. Cute letter. There are products that are not tested on animals. We don't want dry skin cause that could be un-bear-able! haha bear get it!

    okay leaving now.

  2. I must be missing something. Do they make body wash out of polar bears?

    I'm sticking with soap in any case...

  3. ***But don't trust anybody with a shotgun and a fork.***

    You stole my motto.

  4. i love your motto. i am sure the polar bears are sad today. smiles.

  5. I'll take on the cause for you. I won't use bottled body wash :-)

    Not that I ever have anyway, but now I'll do it in your name. :-)

  6. look how cute that little thing is

    and now you're going to help kill it?

    I told ya get lever 2000 with vaseline--it's not drying I swear

  7. *My first ever comment on any blog*

    Your original post about switching to bar soap got me thinking and so I did it and so did my whole house of people. I have found *the* soap that does not make me feel like a chewed up piece of leather. Its by Nivea and the flavor I chose is "Happy Time" as its the also the name of the body wash I used to use and was pleased to find it in a bar soap also. It does not make my skin dry out, I'm happy to have switched and will continue on...

  8. I'm appalled, Bee. I'm sending Al to your house to check your soap. In your shower. Nakid as an Al-bird.

  9. WVW:
    I don't think the test anything on polar bears. Maybe just Klondike bars.

    Nope. You're not missing anything. Maybe I am.

    Makes sense. You and I seem to have the same strain of insanity. ;o)

    Brian M:
    They are sad. Maybe I should have thrown them a small dog as an apology snack?

    Phew! I'm relieved I don't have to BEAR the burden alone! ;o)

    jean knee:
    Okay okay I'll try your soap! Well, not your soap. I'll buy my own.

    I'll try that soap as well. Thanks for commenting! :o)

    I just threw up a little bit!

  10. Why can't you save the polar bears? That's just lazy. As to the damn penguins, fuck 'em.

    "don't trust anybody with a shotgun and a fork" are words to live by. I shall repeat them daily, as I often work with cannibals.

  11. Hey, that Suzy beat me to quoting that one!

    (storms off muttering darkly)

  12. Bee:
    The polar bears told me to mention that you can recycle those bottles. Just sayin'.


  13. Humans have figured out how to survive,

    If polar bears can't figure it out to they can suck it.

    And after they suck it we, as the superior species, can stuff them and put them in our front hall a la The Addams Family.

  14. I think I've seen recipes for making your own shampoo, so maybe there is some recipe for making your own body wash and you can just keep reusing your old bottles.

  15. I need my own landfill for all my bottled soap, bottle water, and disposable diapers. I shoot animals for food too. I don't think the polar bears mind.

  16. You go forth and be supple. Ed needs to go forth and visit a tanning bed. It had to be said.

  17. And I'm not going to stop drinking bottled water. I'm not supposed to add the bottles to the trash pile but the same protest groups tell me about all the toxins in regular water. (I drink filtered Dasani, not bogus spring water.)So I guess my point is, we're all gonna die. Grab the shotgun and pass the fork.

  18. don't worry about the penguins. penguins live at the south pole. polar bears live at the north pole.

    so at least the penguins are safe. from being eaten by a polar bear at least. *wink*

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