Tuesday, February 16, 2010

Maybe it's not a good idea to write a post while running a high fever because I seem to have lost my censoring skills.

I'm not really here right now because I'm still on a brain mending vacation but I needed to enlighten all the womens out there, and some men too I guess, on the benefits of house work.

I have an App on my iPhone called "Lose It!". It asks for your body weight, what your goal weight is and how long you give yourself to reach your goal, then it tells you how many calories you should consume per day in order to meet your goal.

You enter the things you've eaten and it calculates calories, fat, protein etc.

You may also enter the amount of exercise you've had for the day and it guesstimates how many calories you've burned. Since I just started the App on Monday, and haven't joined a gym yet, I counted going to my side job last night for 3 hours (because I was doing some cleaning and heavy lifting) and scrubbing the tub when I got home as part of my exercise. To play it safe, I typed in ONE hour of "housework" instead of 3 and the App told me I had burned about 219 calories.


As I was scrolling down to look at their other options for exercise, I saw Darts, Frisbee, Home Repair and a bunch of others but the one that caught my attention was "Sexual Activity".

Strictly out of curiosity, I clicked on it to see what it said.

First it asks you for the intensity "passive, light, kissing" "general, moderate" & "Active, vigorous".

So I tested "passive" and entered an hour-

ERH! ZERO calories burned!

I tried "general" and that gave us-

33 calories burned. Close but no cigar!

I tried "vigorous" and that gave us-

55 calories burned for one hour. Kinda whimpered out there at the end huh?

I'm wondering how they test these things. Do they account for solo acts?

Anyway! Burning 55 calories after some vigorous schtooping versus 219 from house work?

Listen, I'm not one to dismiss scientific data without some careful consideration. And also, we all know an hour of some slap and tickle is only possible in that island we'll call "Yeahrightland"! Perhaps I've said too much?

So the lesson of the day, ladies and gents, is: Stop wasting your time with the kooky nooky and do something productive like scrubbing a tub!

If you run out of things to clean in your home, shoot me an email and I'll let you come over and help me clean my house for free. You read that right, FOR FREE!

And now? The Nyquil awaits me!


  1. I use that app on my iTouch, and have for about a month. It's perhaps sad that I've not yet figured out there's a way to calculate sexy time calorie burns. Hey - if we could figure out how to clean the house and have the sex and the same time, I imagine it would make that chart explode!

    This comment was laden with entirely too many innuendos. For that I apologize. Also, sometimes, I just like a clean house. That's all I'm sayin'...

  2. You're obviously not being vigorous enough with that scrubbing brush.

  3. Go directly to Bed. Forget the tub or any other cleaning.


  4. I have that app on my iPhone too! But you know, it never gives me credit for any activity WHILE I eat. For instance, I KNOW I am burning calories when I eat all those muffins. They just don't eat themselves.

  5. Solo acts are not listed because of all the fat found in shame.

    Don't ask me how I know that.

  6. aren't you on a break?

    I never clean

  7. Well then, what if it's vigorous sexual activity IN the tub?? Does the app have a menage factoring??
    I'd think 3 in the tub (even at active setting) would burn more than a solo tub-scrub.

  8. What's really sad is that gardening burns more calories than sex. Fuck.

  9. I am tired just reading the list of things that burn calories and I have a headache...

  10. If you're this funny when you're sick...what are you like when well? I signed up to find out. Get well soon! Stop by my blog and return the favor if you like. http://www.boomerpie.com/

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  12. Obviously there is no limit to the amusement that can be had with Iphone apps. I think I need one. I am disappointed in the researcher that only burned 55 calories from vigorous love making.

  13. I am TOTALLY downloading that APP Asap!

  14. OK, I am still amazed at how many apps people really use. If you ask a question in a crowd, someone will cry out "I HAVE AN APP 4 THAT!"

    I just have ONE app, but use mobile web browsing like a madog. Thank goodness for unlimited data plans ;-)

  15. I've been using Lose It too. The only thing that irks me is that I can see what my friend Halle has been doing -- she is way more disciplined than me -- so it's like the app is mocking me.

    "Halle burned 1,000,000 calories today"

    "Halle was 700 calories under budget yesterday"

    F-U, Lose it!


Ask me no questions and I’ll tell you no lies.