Viva Le Secret Santa Can Suck It! Year Deux!

Well, it's that time of year where we buy expensive gifts for people who will turn around and store them in their closets. And that's nowhere to keep puppies. For too long.

Anyway, this year I got Reforming Geek as my victim for SSCSI. I've been reading her for over a year and I'm usually jealous of her nice weather. Especially when I have to walk out of my house into the frozen tundra. But! There are times when I read her blog and think "that chick is all kinds of nuts!" like when she goes on those early morning triathlons and she does all that exercising to ""stay in shape"" and ""be healthy"" that's why God invented plastic surgery, duh!

So I sat at my desk and wondered what I could get the girl that has everything, including health. Finally, after a half dozen brownies, I had a great idea!

She really loves to make rum balls. I mean she really really likes to EAT rums balls. Sooooo, since we all know how difficult it is to remove balls from rum (rum tends to kick and scream)(from both pleasure and pain) you kinda have to stand on their neck while somebody else takes the pliers and... well, I won't give you too many details since I don't want anyone passing out on aisle 3.

To spare RG all that screaming and splattered rum juice, I invented this super nifty gadget I will call:

The Rum Baller 2000

I know what you're thinking. That it looks like a funnel but it's not!

(yes, those are Andy's hands but he didn't know what I was up to so he's free of sin)

You put the rum at the top and shake until the "EXPOSED AREA" is dangling through the tiny opening at the bottom and then you pinch off- wait, YOU PINCH OFF the little rum balls.

TAAADAAA!

No mess, no fuss, no alcoholics waiting to lick the rum juice off your counter! Yes, I know rum balls are clear and have no pigmentation but I dyed them the color of red potatoes so you could see them.

It's also available in 10 different sizes.

And so, RG, I hope my gift serves you for a very long time to come. Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays!

  

***WARNING AND DISCLAIMER***

Keep out of reach of all male members (PADUM PUMP!) of your family to avoid freak accidents. Also, this product is patent pending and while I'm waiting for said patent I will be drinking a little rum, doing a little dance...

 

Please see the links on the side bar titled Secret Santa Can Suck It II for the rest of the participants.

"Bee n' Andy" - PRIORITIES!

 

 

 

-Also, all you bloggers out there, start preparing for Bee's Musing's second annual Secret Santa Can Suck It!* Woohoo! Yeah! More Confetti! With Gold Sparklies!

I know what you're thinking, "Bee, the economy has me rationing my dog's food. Poor Pudgy now goes by the nickname of Slim."

Never fear! This involves absolutely no money at all and the price is as cheap as imagination! Not to imply your imagination is cheap because I know it must cost your employers thousands of dollars while you sit at your desk and imagine yourself rich, sitting next to a model (man or woman, whatever tickles your fancy), drinking rum out of Brad Pitt's bellybutton.

For those of you who weren't around last year, that's when I picked a blogger out of a hat and assigned him/her to another blogger. And then you tell them what you would have gotten them had you the money and/or you know, cared, you post it on your blog and fun ensues. It is Secret Santa so you can't tell the person you got that you got them because then it's not a secret. That's the other part of the fun. Clicking through the list of participants to see who your Secret Santa is.

... I know it sounds complicated but it's really not.

It was a lot of fun last year but sadly some of the people that participated last year are either no longer blogging or I haven't kept in touch sooooooo! If you want to sign up for it, email me at beesmusings@gmail.com with the link to your blog.

If you want to check out how it worked last year, click on the Secret Santa Can Suck It! link at the top of the blogus.-

The horrible case of the hypnotizing Michael Bublé. Plus Secret Santa Can Suck It- Part Deux!

So I woke up this morning feeling pretty good about myself until I remembered I had admitted to my sister I liked Michael Bublé. The scary part is that I was sober. Goes to show that even the secrets you think you will take with you to your grave have a way of coming out when you least expect it. Either that or I just have the will power of a hyena.

Anyway, the conversation started off innocently while we were unloading her Christmas tree from her Explorer:

Sister Nancy: Pull it up and I'll shove from my end [in a whisper] I like Michael Bublé. 

Me [in a shocked yell]: ME TOO!

-SILENCE-

We obviously both realized that it would have been better to confess to shoplifting cat food than to confess to the Bublé  thing but it was too late to take it back so we justified by saying:

Me: But just his songs because he's a total dillweed.

Sister Nancy: Yeah and he's ugly too!

Me: Yeah he is!

-MORE SILENCE-

Sister Nancy: But I still want to see him in concert.

Me: Hey, hey! Let's not go too far, okay?

As for me, I started liking the dude when somebody broke into my house and left their Michael Bublé CD behind. First I liked one song then another and then Christmas came along and he covered some Christmas oldies... next thing I knew my iTunes account was loaded with Bublés

::sigh:: I'm not proud of it but at least I know I'm still a badass because if Michael Bublé  and I were to get into a fist fight, I'm confident I can beat him up and make a purse out of his vocal chords.

Oh, don't tell Nancy I told you.

 

Announcements!!

Bee n' Andy Comic Strip is back this coming Sunday! I know, YAY! Confetti!

Also, all you bloggers out there, start preparing for Bee's Musing's second annual Secret Santa Can Suck It!* Woohoo! Yeah! More Confetti! With Gold Sparklies!

I know what you're thinking, "Bee, the economy has me rationing my dog's food. Poor Pudgy now goes by the nickname of Slim."

Never fear! This involves absolutely no money at all and the price is as cheap as imagination! Not to imply your imagination is cheap because I know it must cost your employers thousands of dollars while you sit at your desk and imagine yourself rich, sitting next to a model (man or woman, whatever tickles your fancy), drinking rum out of Brad Pitt's bellybutton.

For those of you who weren't around last year, that's when I picked a blogger out of a hat and assigned him/her to another blogger. And then you tell them what you would have gotten them had you the money and/or you know, cared, you post it on your blog and fun ensues. It is Secret Santa so you can't tell the person you got that you got them because then it's not a secret. That's the other part of the fun. Clicking through the list of participants to see who your Secret Santa is.

... I know it sounds complicated but it's really not.

It was a lot of fun last year but sadly some of the people that participated last year are either no longer blogging or I haven't kept in touch sooooooo! If you want to sign up for it, email me at beesmusings@gmail.com with the link to your blog.

If you want to check out how it worked last year, click on the Secret Santa Can Suck It! link at the top of the blogus.

I always keep some presents under my skirt just in case someone doesn't have something to open on SSCSI! No, not that kind of present. Pervs!

I am disappointed to report that Musing from Blogtations did not receive her Secret Santa Can Suck It! gift.

Ultimately that would be the worst gift I guess. You know, the NONgift? I don't want her to be the one person who shows up after having gone through the trouble of braving the malls, liquor stores and porn shops to get what they think their victim might like and then get nothing in return.

So...........................

Here are my gifts to her:

Guy in grass skirt.

Booze for after seeing guy in grass skirt.

For after the booze.

So you can take a nap after the alka seltzer.

A free trip to Hawaii for when you wake up. Full circle to the grass skirt dude.

I hope you like Hawaii, Musing. I would love to be there right about now!

Thanks to everybody who participated in Secret Santa Can Suck It! R2. You guys were very funny! Who knew? Just kidding.

Stay tuned tomorrow for another chapter in "How many more ways can the Cor-Ruts get screwed ?"

P.S.

Cindy Crawford makes me want to buy furniture.

p.P.s

You know you're serious about blogging when you want to call in sick just so you can reorganize your blog. Some call it pathetic I call it onetrackmindedawesomeness. So there!

Secret Santa Can Suck It! R2 (Round 2)

So... I received a couple of emails from people that wanted to join the SSCSI (and a couple I begged to join because of their humor) but were too late. Since we had so much fun with the first one, I organized a smaller one but I'm sure it will be as funny as the first.

Please check out these participants and give them some comment love on the gifts they gave their victims.

Participants, go look to see who got you!

Kirsten @ The Soccer Mom Files

Chas @ My Neurotic Spot

Sassy @ Sassy & Opinionated (music)

Just a Girl @ Just a Girl

Father Muskrat @ Father Muskrat

Practically Joe @ Practically Wisdom

Meg @ Prefers Her Fantasy Life

Jamie @ Red Red Whine

Kritta22 @ Protect & Provide

Queen Goob @ This is my life.......so be it!

Musing @ Blogtations

I can't wait to see what you guys come up with! Once everybody has their posts up, I'll redo the links to the specific posts.

P.S.

We were finally able to cash our flood insurance check. Can I get a Hallelujah??

We are going to be living the good life with walls, hot water and everything! I know you're jealous but what can I say, I was born under a lucky star.

Okay, I have to say that the Secret Santa Can Suck It! Gift Swap was a lot of fun. I will admit that it was hard work since I had to come up with a way nobody would get each other and then remind people gently with kind words and feathers not to forget or back out from being
someone's Secret Santa since I hate seeing grown men cry. But I think I have the hang of it now. I have a perfect little system which I will share with you guys next week.

To put it in Siren's words, "This has been so fun and being a new blogger it was neat to get out and troll some other blogs, I might not have been brave enough to visit on my own." I loved that she said that! I liked how a lot of you did point out that you had never before been over to your victim's site and there you were, checking their archives for ideas. I never saw that one coming so that was an additional perk, I think.

I have gotten a couple of people asking if it was too late to be included so I decided to do a round two for those that didn't get a chance to participate. If you know somebody who wants to do it send them on over. The more the merrier but if we have only a few, I think it'll still be fun.

I have 4 definites so far, let me know if you want to join in on the fun by 12/14/08 at beesmusings[at]gmail.com with a big fat YES and the link to your site. Or you can leave a comment too but then I'll still need your email address because I can't hunt people down to get it from their blogs this time. That was a little time consuming.

I want to thank everybody who participated because you guys were all hilarious!! To the newbies wanting to join, check out these Secret Santa Links.

Okay, now I'm off to clean my family and host my big house for dinner… I mean clean my house and host a big family dinner.

Secret Santa Can Suck It! My gift to Magpie...

So... my unlucky victim is Magpie from Mine, by magpie since her blog is about her life and her beautiful crafts, I decided to try and make her something with my own hands.

WITH. MY. OWN. HANDS!!

I figured she would appreciate it more since the Holidays are all about the feelings and what not.

I went to Michael's and Joann Fabrics and picked up some glitter, tulle, M&Ms, a cat, some fishing wire, buttons, wiggly eyes, googly eyes (yes, there is a difference), a tomato, a slinky, 1/3 of a mask and some hot chocolate.

I took my goodies and sat at my peninsula, THE SAME ONE THAT HAS SOME OLD GLUE FROM A PREVIOUS "PROJECT", and started on my gift.

I decided to make her a puppet because I'm Ameri-Mexican.

Andy hated my first try. He said something about my mind and gutter but he was drinking scalding hot chocolate so he could have been high.

My next try was a little bit more ethnic but Andy said some dude named Jeff Dunham had one just like it.

He suggested I should look into my past and take inspiration from that.

Okay. Back to the sticky drawing board!

As I sewed and glued, cut and drank, swore and pierced, I realized I was beginning to lose my mind a little bit more. I found myself sticking my hand up the bums of old dolls and saying

"Will you be my puppet, poppet?'

But!

I was finally able to finish my masterpiece!

It's not as pretty as anything Magpie would make but I know she'll appreciate the blood, sweat and tears that went into making it.

Happy Holidays Magpie and you're Welcome!!

ττττττττττττττττττττττττττττττττττττττττττττττττττττττττττττττττττττττ

All the Secret Santa Can Suck It! participants are on my side bar. If you are one of them, go look for your *gift*!

And now I'm off to find some turpentine and a lighter... that gets rid of crazy glue on the skin, right?

Humor-Blogs

The Merry Adventures of the Cor-Ruts buying a Christmas Tree!

We went to the local carcass farm where it smelled yummy! Freshly chopped trees. Mmm piney!While I was sniffing out the best tree, Andy went to find a brand spanking new tree stand. Alas the husband came back all sad facey because he could not find them and he walked inside Home Depot and looked all over. I asked, "Babe, did you ask someone?" and he said "yes" but of course this person was not going to be helpful! Snowmen can be such assholes!

Then I asked "Babe, did you look by the Christmas trees?" and he answered "of course I did and there was only one rickety one!"
Somebody must have moved all these over by the trees when he wasn't looking! I told you the Snowmen could be such assholes!

We picked out the winner, I did not want another Archibald the Ugly incident!
Then we took it to the hot nice guy that was manhandling the dead trees and asked him to make it a wee bit shorter.
We then strapped it onto the roof of the car. And by we I mean Andy because I was sitting inside the nice warm car. He was moving so fast, the picture came out all jiggly.
We (not really we again) then had to do this and that (technical stuff) to get it into the stand. It took forever!
Here is me tapping my foot because it was taking so long and I needed to get to my blogging duties!
Ahhh finally! Our beeeeutiful Christmas tree! Archibald the Ugly is spinning in his grave! Sorry about the bad lighting again. Maybe one day I'll get that Electrician I've been asking for for Christmas.

Which reminds me of what my electrician said when we were driving home:
"Let me in the lane you douchebag! Thanks and Merry fucking Christmas!" then he giggled because he knows he is going straight to the naughty list!

P.S.
To all the tree huggers who are all "environment killer! you die now!", according to this tag, this here is a green tree and the farmer will plant a replacement for it in the spring. ::rolls eyes::
P.P.S.
If you joined the Secret Santa Can Suck It! and didn't get an email from me, let me know. It means somebody, probably my deadbeat assistant, made a mistake.

Don't be a Grinch and do what I say!

Uh, please?

I was listening to my radio show this morning (again, not really MINE as in I own it but mine as in I listen to it) and they came up with a gift exchange that I loved! They are going to wrap up pictures of what they would have bought the person they got if they had the money.

So... for the first time ever! I am hosting the first annual! Never done before on this blog!

SECRET SANTA CAN SUCK IT GIFT SWAP!
Now, hear me out before you get all frowny and cheap. If you decide to join, you will e-mail me and then I will tell you who you got and on your blog, you will post a picture of what you would have gotten that person if you had money and you know, cared. The most ridiculous thing the better. You don't have to know each other since it is just for fun.

Come on! Please sign up! Not to make you feel guilty but I've had a really crappy year, as I'm sure most of you have, and I need to end this one with a BIG laugh! Please please??

Come one! Don't make me beg at your blogs cuz I will! Yes I will and I'll spam you with lunch meat!

Anyway, let me know at beesmusings(@)gmail no later than 12/8/08.

humor-blogs

P.S.
Does anybody want to hire a cool hot chick who wants to quite her job??

Secret Santa Can Suck It! Year Deux!

-Also, all you bloggers out there, start preparing for Bee's Musing's second annual Secret Santa Can Suck It!* Woohoo! Yeah! More Confetti! With Gold Sparklies!

I know what you're thinking, "Bee, the economy has me rationing my dog's food. Poor Pudgy now goes by the nickname of Slim."

Never fear! This involves absolutely no money at all and the price is as cheap as imagination! Not to imply your imagination is cheap because I know it must cost your employers thousands of dollars while you sit at your desk and imagine yourself rich, sitting next to a model (man or woman, whatever tickles your fancy), drinking rum out of Brad Pitt's bellybutton.

For those of you who weren't around last year, that's when I picked a blogger out of a hat and assigned him/her to another blogger. And then you tell them what you would have gotten them had you the money and/or you know, cared, you post it on your blog and fun ensues. It is Secret Santa so you can't tell the person you got that you got them because then it's not a secret. That's the other part of the fun. Clicking through the list of participants to see who your Secret Santa is.

... I know it sounds complicated but it's really not.

It was a lot of fun last year but sadly some of the people that participated last year are either no longer blogging or I haven't kept in touch sooooooo! If you want to sign up for it, email me at beesmusings@gmail.com with the link to your blog.

If you want to check out how it worked last year, click on the Secret Santa Can Suck It! link at the top of the blogus.-

Secret Santa Can Suck It! Links ROUND ONE

Always Home and Uncool

AmyOops

Angry Seafood
Bee's Musings

Beyond Left Field

Brian O Vretanos

Chris Wood's Blog

Confessions of a Reforming Geek

Crotchety Old Man Yells at Cars
Crummy Church Signs

Cup of Snarky

Debbies does Drivel

Decisionally Challenged

Idiot Girl in Action

Irregularly Periodic Ruminations

Lady Sarcasm

Mattress Police Anti-Social Commentary

Memarie Lane

Mom's Crazy Life

Mine, by magpie

Moving at the Speed of Light

Musician... Mommy... Mayhem!!

Musings of a Quirkyloon

My suburban can run over your minivan... and will

Nooter the Dog

Orion Unleashed

put some polka dots on it

Rambling Thoughts of the Never Ending Mind

Red Red Whine

Sanity on Edge

Taunt Vortex

The Daily Egg

The HumorSmith Chronicle

The Offended Blogger

the randumbot

The Soccer Mom Files

The Wise (*Young*) Mommy

transition

VE's Fantastical Nonsense

Wit's Bitch

Yet Another Day in Paradise...

Awesome!

Look at what my Secret Santa Can Suck It! gift was! All I need are some thumb tacks for the butthole. Thanks Orion!