Mannequin vs Bee. Can you tell the difference?

I want to show you guys something.

This is a mannequin (or 2):

This is a Bee:

(I know, awwww!)

One is made out of uh plasticy stuff and filled with sawdust. The other is made of out fleshy stuff and stuffed with bacon. One doesn't mind if you lift up its skirt (perv!) but the other one? The other one kinda likes keeping her goody bits hidden and/or untouched by groping strangers.

Now that we've made the distinction between Mannequin and Bee, and I'm hoping you figured out which one doesn't want to be touched, here's a peak into another one of my bizarre work days at ACS.

Woman: Did you buy these here? [touches my cute black capris with ruched drawstring at the leg area] [SHE TOUCHES ME!!]

Me [trying to step away so that her grubby hand releases me]: Yes.

Woman: Where are they? [goes to reach for me again WTF!]

Me [must resist the urge to slap her hand!]: They are in this section over here but we only have one size left.

Woman: Oh no! That's not my size! [still staring at me, walks around to get a better view of my... ass???] Those look great and the fabric isn't flimsy! [goes to touch me again]

Me [wondering if I can build a moat around myself]: Ma'am, I must ask you to stop touching me. I know I look like one but I am not a mannequin. [big smile because I don't want her to notice I have broken a hanger WITH MY BARE HANDS] 

Woman [seems offended but that's probably because she didn't get to touch my booty]: I just wanted to feel the texture again!

Me [nodding because I've heard that excuse for people wanting to touch me before]: I understand but you can feel the texture from this pair that is sitting on this hanger. Without a person inside of it. I promise they feel the same [big smile because we want her to think the customer is always right and even though love I it when strangers feel me up, maybe we should get some coffee first] Would you like me to call another store to see if they have more sizes?

Woman [touches the person-less capris all the while looking at me longingly]: What size are the ones you're wearing?

Me [squint at her suspiciously]: Size Purple.

Woman: That's the size I need! [gets closer to me]

Me: Before you ask me if you can try them on, [big smile] we also carry them in gray. Would you like to try those on? If they fit, we'll call another store for you.[big smile]

Woman: No, I'll just look online. [walks dejectedly out of the store]

Me: Alrighty then, buh-bye.

I don't know, you guys. I feel a little cheated. Like she got to feel the goods but then skipped out on payment by not buying anything from me. And also? Who does that? Who goes around touching sales staff as if they were part of the store's fixtures? I mean, if she would have been a HE and HE would have been Ryan Reynolds' abs I would have been all "Why of course you can squeeze me!" but we need to set some boundaries for people I don't find attractive to keep their mitts off my petunias!

::drool::

It seems trouble and weird older women follow me wherever I go!

So I have officially completed 2 full weeks at Anonymous Clothing Store. It's interesting (probably just to me) how different I feel going from the Asylum to ACS. It's a nice change of pace and I enjoy working with people that are closer to my age and know who Lady Gaga is. I'm not sure but I think I may be the oldest one there. Well, let's call me the most experienced one there and not the oldest one.

That's why I found so much amusement from the following conversation:

(As is tradition on this blog, my coworkers will have code names)

Hilary: If anybody confronts you about your hours, you tell them that it's probably because they're not getting enough people to sign up for the store credit card.

Me [as I was innocently hanging jeans]: What do you mean 'confronts you'?

Hilary: I don't want to bring the drama but some girls resent the fact that you're getting more hours than they are so they may come to you and say something. You're so nice that I don't want them to hurt your feelings.

Me: ... Um, thank you for your concern but you don't have to worry about me. (dying of laughter inside)

Hilary [genuinely concerned and that's why I did my best to remain serious]: Well you just don't let them push you around.

Me: Okay. I won't. (the Bee in my head is almost peeing herself from laughing so hard)

I didn't elaborate and give them examples of conversations I've had with lawyers, egotistical OZ and the bats because I think surprise attacks are better. I mean, would a kick in the groin be as effective if a person yelled out "I'm gonna kick you in the giblets!" right before? I'm sure it'll still hurt but you don't have that shock factor.

Anyway, I'm sure that when the time comes I'll show people how charming I can be.

Here are a couple of stories of the trade.    

Woman in her 50s walks into the store and tells me she's going on vacation so she wants some light t-shirts and khakis. I point her in the right direction and after she's made her selections, I open a dressing room for her.

After a little while I went and asked her how she was doing.

Woman: Do you have this in a slightly larger size? [hands me shirt over door]

Me: Let me check. [I find a larger size] Yes we do. I'll just put it on the--

Woman opens the dressing room door without a shirt on, displaying saggy boobage.

Woman: Thanks! Here, take these. [hands me clothes she doesn't want and so she gets close up I die a thousands deaths] They didn't work. 

Me: ... stutter stutter

I don't know about you guys but I prefer boobs that are young and perky... Wait, I think I just channeled Andy.

Later, I was standing in the front part of the store greeting people and an old lady walked through the door and I did my thing. Let's observe:

Me: hello! Welcome to ACS!

Old lady: Hi! Can you tell me if you still carry these leggings? [points at her legs]

Me: Do you remember when you bought them?

OL: About 2 months ago.

Me: There might be some in the clearance section but we have these new ones right here. Do you remember the style name?

OL: I'm not sure, here take a look.

AND THEN THE OLD LADY DROPPED TROU AND I WAS FACE TO FACE WITH OLD LADY BUTT CRACK!

Let's all observe a moment of silence for my innocence is dead.

I never get tired of telling people how awesome I am. There! I did it again!

So I started my orientation at ACS (Anonymous Clothing Store) on Saturday. I had to come in for 2½ hours and listen to a CD orienting me on the ways of the fashion world. (P.S. No, I'm not quitting the Asylum. Not until I become a millionaire.)

There was a lot of redundancy of course like ""be clean"" "make sure your clothes are clean"" ""do not swear"" ""don't wear profanity"" which I thought was disappointing because I LOVE wearing profanity! There were also rules on things I think will spoil my fun like "do not harass any individuals while on company property" but on the bright side, everywhere else it's fair game! I mock but I know from personal experience, that there are some people who need to be spoken to as if they were toddlers.

Towards the end of my orientation, I was given a task to pick 3 outfits I thought would be appropriate work apparel. I went out of the orientation area and onto the sales floor where I picked out the snazziest outfits I could find.

I also picked up some accessories, a jacket and a decent pair of shoes to complete the ensemble. I took it to the manager who smiled approvingly and said I was a natural! I nodded and let her know I had been dressing myself since 1982 (for those of you counting, yes, I was 10! Prior to that, my mom was dressing me in those awful frufru dresses that hampered my ability to play kickball).

I left orientation day ready for my very first official day on Sunday.

As I walked into the store on Sunday, and my heels made click click click noises on the tile floor, I was greeted by a fellow employ like so "Are you Bee? Your shoes will make you want to kill yourself by the end of the day!"

Well, hello to you too, Loudmouth McGraw! I immediately had the desire to hang her from the lights by her hair but I think that part was covered in the "do not threaten others with deathly force" part of the orientation manual.

She turned out to be nice but somewhat tacky. And by that I mean, at one point, she looked me up and down then grabbed my hand and exclaimed "Don't we wish we had a man who could buy us a ring like this!" as she admired my fake white gold diamond ring that I had bought myself on clearance for $7. I could have easily let her know of her mistake but a lady never reveals her secrets. Unless she's on her blog.

The day was uneventful. I managed to impress the assistant manager who was training me by suggesting the store credit card to a customer without being prompted, being helpful to customers, answering the phone correctly on the first try and learning how to use the register after only ringing up one customer. What can I say? I'm an awesome trainee! And also I know how to read and follow direction.

Unfortunately for me, while I didn't resort to suicidal thoughts because of my shoes, I did contemplate calling Andy to bring me my slippers so that I may walk to my car after work. Or maybe have him carry me to my car, follow me home and then carry me into the house. Lesson learned, I purchased an inexpensive pair of old lady shoes for my next work day.

(I'm cringing as I type!)

The nice sales dude asked me if I wanted them in red. Not even that would make them look good.

Ironically, I paid more for the shoes than I made for the 4 hours I worked but my feet? They will be as happy as toads on a lily pad! Sure they'll be a little embarrassed because of the shoe style but their sacrifice will not go by unappreciated. I'm thinking maybe making it up to them by buying a pair of these:

JUST KIDDING ANDY!

No, I really want them!

To the lady that left her snot ridden Kleenex in the dressing room.

I've got my eyes on you!

P.P.S.

They removed the staples commercial!! I blame you guys.

P.P.P.S

It's back on.