Tuesday, September 8, 2009

My reign of terror at the Laundromat? It comes to an end!! (Shoots off confetti at the audience!)(Hopes nobody gets it in the eye)(except maybe YOU right there!)

This past Saturday morning, Andy and I woke up extremely early SIX-THIRTY! He got up and put on his big boy pants so he may take the dogs out, go move our cars and open the back gate while I decided to stay in bed and send my support from there. With my eyes closed. And hugging my teddy bear.

I was all snuggly when I heard my car alarm go off. I jumped out of bed, because I know how over reactive my man can be, and ran to the front door. Meanwhile Andy ran the length of our long driveway and came into the house through the back door, which doesn't make sense because my car was parked in the front but whatever, yelling "BEE! WHERE IS YOUR KEY FOB???" (as my car alarm was going nuts waiting to be shut off) (as he was holding my car keys with my, ehm, KEY FOB that shuts off my car alarm). So I say "you are holding it" in English because that is the only language he understands and he bellows "NO I'M NOT! WHERE IS YOUR KEY FOOOOOOB??" so I take this thing that he's holding that he claims is NOT my key fob, walk to the front door, push the button on this imposter key fob and miraculously shut off my car alarm.

I slowly turn to look at him and he's just standing there, seething. Then he walks into the bedroom and I look at the time. 6:45 which triggers the rage within me. When he came out of the bedroom I let him have it boys and girls. I can't even remember what I said but I'm sure it was mean (because my voice was all snarly) and I ended it with "so you better apologize"

And he did.

I don't recall the last time Andy said 'I'm sorry'. Wait, I do. It was that one time he accidentally elbowed me in the head while he was sleeping. But that one shouldn't count because I smacked him on the stomach to wake him up and told him what he had done and he opened one eye and said 'oh sawrry' ::snore:: I'm sure that in the rule book (The Marriage Rule Book) there is an entry that clearly states that half conscious apologies are invalid in the states of Illinois, Wisconsin, California, Hawaii and maybe Alaska.

Anyway, the reason we were up so early and moving the cars around was because we needed to make room for the delivery truck that was dropping off our BRAND SPANKIN NEW WASHER!!

The delivery dudes (or "happy marriage makers" as I call them) arrived at 7:01 and, after they installed it and hauled away the old washer, were gone by 7:15.

I was so happy, I was doing dance moves I haven't been able to do since the late 80s.

I have to thank my mother and father-in-law (or "fairy godparents of smiling, happy couples" as I like to call them) for their awesome gift. They took pity on the people I have to interact with at the Laundromat and decided to intervene on their behalf. They knew I was down to my last nerve and the chains holding me back from doing serious damage to people hogging all the carts, dryers, tables, wouldn't keep me back for much longer.

Thank you Mom and Pop R.!

Here is a picture of my beautiful new washer. See how it spins for me??

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Here is a picture of it standing nobly next to my dryer (which will hopefully be replaced in March).

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My heart sings for you, my beautiful washer!

Later that morning, Andy cleaned out the garage (with some help from me) (but it was mostly me standing around saying stuff like "ewww! Look at all the spider eggs!" and Andy correcting me by saying "They're spider SACKS, Bee" and me saying "look, they can be spider eggs, sacks or balls for all I care because they are still EWWW!" and then him telling me to get out of the garage because he didn't need me jumping around every time I thought something was crawling on me and knocking over his elaborate balancing crap-o-stuff.).

After the flood of 2008, we stored a bunch of stuff in the garage. Materials, tools, stuff I bought on ebay which years later has me wondering what kind of drugs I was on (must have been good ones):

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I know I just became cooler in your eyes.

When I opened the box, I was stunned. Was I thinking about changing careers and trying to break into the clown industry? Holy crap!

To answer your unspoken question, no, I never wore them. Just opening the box now makes me want to disinfect my body. And to some extent, my mind.

We took a break in the middle of the day to have lunch at Costco. I know I've said I don't eat any of the samples because I'm afraid of contracting small pox, eating more than my daily recommended intake of other people's skin flakes AKA dust and being pressured into buying 80 lbs of crab salad (and I don't even like crabs, edible or otherwise) but my mom came with us and hit every sample table from the front to the back of the store.

She'd walk away with portions for herself, Andy and I. By the end of our stay, we had to be rolled out of there. The freakin place was packed but now I know why people go there at around 1 o'clock. Why pay $8 per person at Corner Bakery when you can eat for free?

After we were able to tear my mesmerized mother away from the Costco blender demonstrator (who thinks he's so cool because he has a Madonna microphone) (but I'm not impressed unless he sings Lucky Star and shines one me wherever I are), we made our way home and lived happily every after.

Well, until the free booze wore off.


  1. Yeah! First! Congratulations on your new washer, it looks bee-utiful!

    Buh-bye laundromat! (wish I can say that)

  2. Ahh, finding shoes from long ago.

    We once cleaned out a storage shed of my parents and while digging through boxes my best friend found a box of about 3 dozen shoes from when I was about 2. As well all gazed into the box there was a moment of silence before she said, "How very Holocaust of you."

    The moment she said it she turned read and stammered, "I can't believe I said that."

    That was like 3 years ago and it still makes me giggle, as un-politically correct as it might have been.

  3. Eeewwww!!! Those shoes are baaaaad!!! I never saw them I guess even right after you bought them you where not proud of them. :)

    congratulations on the washer! It beautiful!!!

  4. Bee-omgawd you are hysterical...my kids are ummm were thanks in bed and i was all gigglin then laughing and as not to be left out of anything(nosey brats) had to come see what was so funny...

    LOVE the washer I am jealous!

  5. Ow, my eye hurts.

    I'm so happy for you. I'd rather wash my clothes in the toilet than have to go to the 'mat.

    Is that more eww than spider balls?

  6. Congrats on the new washer Bee!

    Here's a teeny warning: Check to see if it's an HE washer.. If it is, you'll need to get special detergent for it, or the entire thing will eventually fail in about three months.

    Yeah, the wife and I bought a new washer and dryer, and were never told this, and found out the hard way.

    Just look at the paperwork, and it should say if it's an HE washer, and to use approved HE detergents.

    Hope everything in Bee-land goes well, alocohol-induced happiness or not!

  7. Yeeeeesssss. A new washer. yea!!!

    those shoes are so very colorful

  8. You'll have to go back to the laundrette now and then to see your old friends and get some blogging material.

  9. I love new appliances! Good for you.

    And if it makes you feel any better, my father has done that SAME thing to my mother. He was HOLDING her keys in his hands and asking her where they were!

  10. Wait til the people at the laundromat see you wheeling that new baby in there to do your wash. No more quarters...they'll be so envious!

  11. My eyes are burning from those shoes, so I hope I can leave this comment with a minimum of spelling errors. Yeah for your new washing machine! Does this mean Andy will be taking on the role of all the odd folks who inhabit the laundromat so you can still be entertained while cleaning your clothes?

  12. those...
    those shoes.....

    have you no pride?

    the human says hes glad to see you bought those cuz now he knows he can start his internet business cuz people will buy anything.

    seriously, no pride?

  13. You know it's a way cool washer when it has that many buttons. Happy washing!

  14. All I have to say is....WOW...those shoes! Those are just awful!

  15. Does the washer match the shoes?


  16. Okay,those shoe's? A fucking awesome.
    And Crabs...the unedible ones? EWWEWW!

  17. And apparently, I am the only one who likes clown shoes...*hangs head in shame*

  18. Maybe, just maybe I can get Bee to do my laundry now as a sort of thank you to my parents for having me & then providing us with a washing machine so many years in the future :)

  19. Oh, Bee! So much to talk about! Awesome new washer!!! I am so jealous. I live in an apartment building with no washer-dryers downstairs and we're not allowed to have them in our apartments. (There's no room and they would trip the circuit breaker turning them on.)

    Second, those shoes are amazingly bad. So bad they're good. I'm pretty sure I owned the matching dress at some point.

    Finally, about the spousal apologies: my hubby used to say, "I'm sorry you made me angry." When I told him that wasn't a real apology, he said "Okay." We still joke about how he used to say, "Your point has merit. I will consider it further."

  20. Enjoy the new washer! I kind of like that black dryer. I need some new appliances too, they should make them in all colors. I'd buy green.


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