Friday, September 25, 2009

“I don't like compliments, and I don't see why a man should think he is pleasing a woman enormously when he says to her a whole heap of things that he doesn't mean”- Oscar Wilde


I don't know if you know this about me but I hate compliments. Wait. Before you go thinking that I really do like compliments but I'm just trying to fool you with my false modesty you could not be more judgmental and wrong.

I wasn't one of those spoiled people that had constant praise growing up. "Good job going poopsie in the potty, honey!" It was more like threats. "If you don't figure out the toilet ASAP I'm going to be make you change your own diaper!"

Which is cool because that's how I became *Bee the Intimidator* and gives me a license to wear a cape (I don't though because that would be pretentious). It also helped me not become one of those bleeding heart chicks who take offense when somebody tells them they look like Lars Ulrich. Okay, that one did hurt a little but it's only because I wanted to look like James Hetfield instead.

Anyway, now, as a semi-formed adult (who knows how to use the potty), anytime someone says to me "you look nice today" I always respond with "how did I look yesterday that you have to point out I look nice today? was it the lack of make up and drool on my chin? what? tell me!" because that's how you get people to STOP complimenting you on your appearance. Seriously. I have a mirror. I know when I'm looking fiiiine (which is only on like the 7th day of the 7th month at 9:07 am)!

I usually can get away with saying stuff like that to the ladies but I can't respond that way to OZ because he might get a little upset and decide it's time to replace me with a leaky fire hydrant.

A long time ago, he complimented my outfit and I fuckin bowed! A full on, half body bow! Like some ancient spirit of a geisha entered my body and bent me forward to show my appreciation to OZ-san. I was unbelievably embarrassed and I'm sure my face was maroon in it's blushiness but I played it off like 'yeah, man. I'm always bowing like this because I'm cool like that' I then told the story to my family at some gathering or another and I was the butt of jokes for a few days. I knew I had to excise that bizarre reaction from my 'thank you' repartee.

Recently, OZ has gotten it into this weird habit of complimenting me not only on my appearance but character, work habits and all around great attitude (because I do have a great attitude you jerks!). So now, my knee-jerk reaction is to bow but I half stop myself so it looks like I'm nodding my head regally as if to say 'I agree with you, peasant' but I still feel like an asshole.

This is where you come in. What would be an appropriate response when someone gives you a compliment (besides saying 'thank you', I mean) without having to resort to curtseying? I really don't want him to think his compliments make my day either because, in reality, they make me want to go home and burn whatever article of clothing I was wearing and never smile again. It has to be something that would say "umm thanks but Id rather you kept your comments to yourself" with a side of "you arrogant windbag!" I know it's a difficult task I've given you but I have faith in you sarcasm/smartassness.

I don't need you to point out how creepy OZ is because I'm not a halfwit and have discovered this fact on my own. Has anyone seen my cape?

Bonus Andyism:
"I hate 'Bing'. Bing! What a stupid name for a search engine! I don't think it's very reliable either because I searched for 'Bee's Musings' and guess what? It didn't come up! So I opened google and typed in 'Bee's Musings' and it came up #1 so obviously Bing sucks monkey ass."

A ringing endorsement from my Andy for Google and Bee's Musings.


  1. Be dismissive, not by what you say but by subtly raising your eyes to the heavens, or a subtle frown. I'm sure that subtlety is one of your many strong points...

    I remember seeing a cartoon a long time ago in an office. The lecherous boss has obviously just removed his secretary's glasses, and she is saying to him "You know, without my glasses you're tolerably attractive too."

  2. How about just saying "I know" with a shrug to the shoulder and a raised eyebrow just one, when the eyebrow goes up then give him a look down. It's all in the eyes, I'll show you when I stop by today.

  3. Or give him the "Mexican sweep" look! It kinda will say "I know and you look like crap!"

  4. I never get compliments, so I can't tell you. :(

    No, really, what I would say is: No thanks, not today, I have a headache.

  5. I think it's not nice to blow off someone's compliments. During my surgery days, a girl in my building was telling me how nice I looked and Iseriously looked like a cow so I was rude. 3 times in a row. She muttered "Try and take a compliment already. Sheesh."

    I usually reply, "It's a gift." and since everyone knows I'm a comic, I get away with it.

    I had a bf once and asked him why he never complimented me. EVER. On anything. And that jackass replied, "Because I know you want one." That really hurt me because I never expect one. EVER.

    These days I pray Mexicans in their gardening trucks still whistle at me. Trust me girl, when the compliments stop, you're gonna feel old.

  6. You look nice today, Bee!

    Ha! Kidding.

    Just say thanks. You might call him on it, though, telling him you've noticed the attention and that you're hoping that the praise carries forward to your performance review.

  7. As another person embarrassed by compliments I know how you feel...I was constantly told my sister was the beautiful one...therefore almost all my socialization was outside the home. I finally started believing people and answered them "you too"
    even if they looked like trolls.
    made it easy for me.

  8. say:

    uh huhmm........I like your socks

  9. You should after being complimented on your great attitude like "Well, it's impossible to not have an awesome attitude at this amazing sugar plum kind of work place, all wrapped in a cloud of love and payoff for all the hard work" etc etc etc while you slowly back away around a corner or something.

  10. I feel like people who pay complements have ulterior motives.

    I like what Nancy said about saying "I know". That's what I usually say.


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