Now it's time to play "What's that smeeeeeell?" Here's your hostess, Bee Liciciouuuuuuuus!

You know how sometimes you get in your car and your sense of smell is assaulted by the rotting corpse in your trunk? How the stench hits you like Joe Pesci standing on a stool with a shovel? No? Is it just me?

Thursday morning I was getting ready for work, late as per usual, gathering all the necessary junk that makes my life at work a little more bearable, mix CD, banana, whip, so I was not really focusing on any one thing until I unlocked my car and opened the door. The smell almost made me fall to my knees and whimper "sweet baby spinach!" but being the tough chick I am, I talked myself into getting in the car thinking maybe there was something in the air and I just assumed my car was the culprit.

After I drove a block, I realized that, nope! The car stunk like a 17th century slaughterhouse. I couldn't figure out why "Had I stepped in dog poop?" No, the smell was worse. "Did I accidentally run over an already flattened skunk?" No, the smell was coming from inside the car.

I had all my windows rolled down, my sunroof was open, I was driving 30 miles over the speed limit so that the wind would gush in (just kidding coppers), I was breathing through my mouth but nothing helped. After five agonizing minutes of near hyperventilation, I finally got to work. I was shuddering as I closed the windows and I leapt out of the car before the engine even stopped running.

I bumped into Cowardly Lion on my way into the office and I asked.  "Hey, can you sniff me and tell me if I smell like rotting corpse?" and she got this weird look on her face that I interpreted as "Sure! I've been dying to sniff you!" She said I smelled like rainbows and cinnamon which is good, I guess.

All day I thought about that putrid smell. It reminded me of the time we went to a museum to see The Mummies of Guanajuato which is an exhibit of dead people on display in the city of Guanajuato. They were in glass cases but one of those cases had a small opening at the corner which, if you stood extremely close, you could get a whiff of the body. Why would you want to, right? Ask my brother Sergio who stuck his nose in the opening, took a deep breath and now gags every time we bring it up. Ewwwww!

Anyway, unlucky for me, Thursday was a warm day so whatever was marinating in my car was going to get worse by the time I left work. Sure enough, the smell was a little bit more menacing than it had been at 8:15 in the morning. Kinda like Al Pacino putting a gun to your head and trying to make you watch one of his new movies. Yep. That bad.

I was puzzled.

Were the evil squirrels declaring war by sticking a fallen comrade into my tailpipe (not to be confused with the Richard Gere rodent tailpipe fiasco)? They were my prime suspects because I had just sprayed my garden with fox urine so that they would stay the hell out (never mind how I got the fox urine). I've known they were up to something for weeks now because I've been under constant surveillance.

at the botanic gardens

  on my way to Baskin Robins the gym.

Anyway, I drove home and called Andy so he could help me try to solve this foul mystery.

Bee: Come out here and help me solve this foul mystery.

Andy: It can't be that bad.

Bee: I almost threw up on my way home.

Andy: "Bee the Exaggerator".

Bee: I dare you to get in the car with the windows rolled up and sit in there for 30 seconds.

Andy: Pffft! I'll do a full minute! [opens door] [spins violently around and around] Uh. Wow. Never mind.

Bee: Coming from a guy with no sense of smell, it must be really bad.

Rick (from his upstairs window): What are you two weirdoes doing?

Bee: Trying to solve a foul mystery.

Andy: How many times are you gonna say that?

Bee: It builds suspense?

Andy: No, it just makes you sound retarded.

Rick: It can't be that bad.

Bee: Come down here and say that with your nose in the car.

Andy: Pop the hood. Maybe a squirrel was trying to hide his nuts in there.

Bee: I hope the motor tore his nuts right off. [Pops hood and trunk (or bonnet and boot in British speak)]

While Andy was checking the hood, I went around to the trunk and lifted it up. . .

My mom used my car on Monday to run some errands. She stopped at Shop n Save and picked up some things. Butter, tortillas, oil, soda, chicken breasts.

These are the things she carried into the house on Monday after her trip to the store:

Butter

tortillas

oil

soda

What I discovered on Thursday, after a few days of 80 degree weather, was that she had forgotten the chicken breasts in my trunk.

All 3 of us groaned then Rick laughed and Andy yelled "Get them the fuck out of here!" and so I had to walk what seemed like a mile to the garbage can in the garage with a package of chicken boobs in my hand and my gag reflex on high alert. I bumped into Boomhauer and mentioned the chicken breasts because I didn't want him to think it was my lack of hygiene that was stinking up the place. "My mom left a package of chicken breast in the trunk of my car on Monday"

Boomhauer: Hahahaha! I bet those are ready to eat!

Sick bastard.

Maria (THE VEGETERIAN) walked by me having just gotten home from work, she looked at me strangely as she made her way down the driveway. I told her about the boobs and she said "oh! I was wondering what that smell was!"

Bee: You sure you don't want to try some yummy meat?

Maria: [Rolls her eyes, pinches her nose] Positive.

Bee: It's not like broccoli smells like roses, you know.

Maria: [runs away]

I have that effect on people.

I walked back to my car and had to explain to Andy why I had put the fetid breasts in the garbage can. According to him, I was now contaminating his garbage can. Well you know what? I'd rather the maggots grow in a contained environment as opposed to the trunk of my car where they can come out and say 'hi!' on a whim.

And so, our foul mystery was solved. Sadly, my car still smells like animal carcass.

Sometimes, I dig deep from my real life experience to help those I love stay out of prison.

So you know how some people talk about how they have nothing going on in their lives (BRIAN! even though he went to Tahiti but refuses to share the details)? I’ve gotta say I sometimes envy them. Living on a rollercoaster can be rough and then those few times you’re off the rollercoaster you feel like a sailor coming off of a boat after being on it for 60 days and trying to get back their land legs but instead you wind up light headed, dizzy, disoriented, pukey, gassy, with a disease ridden whore. Oh uh, well…

The moms and I got pulled over by the fuzz on Friday. Yeah, that’s right. We were one block away from home and she was driving her sensible four door Nissan Sentra at a reasonable speed and we must have had about 20 coppers tailing us. Yeah, that’s right. TWENTY. Okay two.

My mom had just made this comment:

“ooh. There’s 2 police cars behind me. I’m shaking!” but she was kidding because the moms is a 100% law abiding citizen who only once destroyed a maryjane plant and then chucked its remains in random neighbors' garbage cans lest the boys in blue came to our door with a search warrant. The plant was only about this high and she was nurturing it because she thought it was ivy.

Then the lights started flashing and we heard the “Doowoop” from their sirens.

While she was looking all nervous, and so was Maria, THE VEGETARIAN (who was in the back seat trying to hide the Mickey Dee’s bag she was holding whose smell almost made me vomit even thinking about it now makes me want to hurl raspberries), I was all “Ma’ relax, I’m here!” Ma’ Barker she ain’t.

So the copper comes to the window, nice looking fella by the way, and says “Evenin’” and I’m all “Evenin’” and he’s all “Why are you driving with your headlights off?”

Did I mention it was 11:30 in the PM and it was dark out? And that she had turned off the lights while we waited for Maria, THE VEGETARIAN, to come back from getting McDonald's with fake meat and the formula for food poisoning after we picked her up from the train? Which was really for my brother Rick. And then she forgot to turn the lights back on and so we blatantly cruised by 2 coppers while they chitchatted? Yeah, that’s right.

I explained the situation to the nice lookin’ fella and he went back, ran her license and must have found out how much of saint my moms is because he said. “Okay, this is a warning but turn on your lights, m’mkay?” Yes officer. Whatever you say. Let me just update my facebook status. Yeah, that's right.

And so we giggled as we drove the ONE block to get home.

Yeah, that’s right. We’re outlaws. But at least we avoided the disease ridden whore.

A story in which we mourn a crocodile, a cat and my father-in-laws pride. Just kidding Pop R.

So obviously there's no comic strip today. My Andy has been really busy this week. Yes, he was on a forced vacation and had a WHOLE WEEK he could have worked on it but he had to do other things like golf and go eat crocodile sausage. I know, I know. I'm disappointed too. Even more so because he's been burping up that croc sausage the past few days. Well, I must admit he was also working on my mom's floor but that's neither here nor there.

Anyway, the guys (and my father-in-law) came over Saturday to put up drywall so it's beginning to look like her place again.

before

now

You can't see my hand anymore woohoo!

For this momentous project we rented a ginormous dumpster. Taking advantage of having a huge receptacle for things that no longer belong in my house, I told Andy to get rid of the hundreds of empty boxes he's kept just in case his Xbox/Rock Band/Guitar Hero/TV/Printer/ETC break. Because he didn't want me to nag and wanted to get to his croc sausage eating, he threw out all the boxes.

Saturday morning, I was walking my mother-in-law to her car after she dropped off my father-in-law when I noticed the Rock Band box sitting on my neighbor Boomhauer's driveway.

I told my mother-in-law that I thought it was weird and she said it might have flown out of the dumpster and since I didn't want Boomhauer to think we were litter bugs, I went to pick it up so I may return it to its new home. I innocently lifted one of the flaps and immediately jumped 10 feet in the air and shrieked like an 11 year old girl! Why? BECAUSE THERE WAS A DEAD CAT IN IT!

Okay calm down. I'm okay now but holy Moses! Way to wake the hell up on a Saturday morn! I immediately went to Andy, the croc sausage eater, and told him to open the box and confirm there was something dead in there and it wasn't my imagination. He wouldn't do it of course even after his mom and I taunted him about how I, A GIRL, saw it and survived but he didn't care. He later found out Boomhauer's wife had seen a cat lying in the street so she asked him to pick up the poor cat. He went into the dumpster grabbed the Rock Band box, scooped it up (I'm sure he also said a prayer or maybe cursed his wife) and then left it on his driveway for next Halloween. He says he didn't know what to do with it but I think it may have served its purpose. TO KEEP ME OFF HIS DRIVEWAY.

Also, I saw a mouse scampering about on the outside walls of my house. Again, I yelled for my Andy, not in fear okay? I know I just told you I shrieked like a little girl when I opened the box but that's because it was unexpected. Mice don't scare me because I eat spiders. So my father-in-law and Andy come out to investigate and there is the poor cute little mouse looking at us with its big eyes and I say "Kill it!" and Andy walks away. See, I think he thought it looked too much like Mocha, his favorite, so he couldn't do it. My father-in-law on the other hand tried slamming a brick on it but it scampered near the roof so he went and got a big board from the dumpster (it seems the dumpster is serving as a place to get coffins and weapons) and tried to squish it but the damn thing flew! I'm not kidding! It flew at him and then landed on the ground where my father-in-law proceeded to look like a Tom and Jerry cartoon in trying to kill it. He stabbed at the ground with the board and tripped and then stabbed at the firewood but the rat bastard got away and went back into Wilson's yard also known as HIS DUMPSTER.

I know what you're thinking, all the exciting shit happens to me.

What's in the box scene from Seven done with puppets. hilarious.