Thursday, February 28, 2008

My top 10 women? I AM an equal opportunist...

-Day 59.-
For Brother Dan, my top 10 list of women I want... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... to BE.
This was harder than I thought. I guess I'm pretty happy being me. Who knew!
These are in no particular order so don't get pissy with me.
Jean knee:
Nobody has more personalities than she does! No, that’s not a typo. I’m still working on mine, at the moment I only have 2. Sociopath and sleepy.
Angelina Jolie:
She looks like the type of chick who would kick ass and ask questions later. The Chuck Norris of women.

Princess Buttercup:
She has a Farm Boy
She has better access to nachos than I do. I only get them when I go to the movies and this makes me sad.
Jennifer Aniston:
I love her fashion sense. Hmmm... I bet she wishes to be AJ too.
Kathy Griffin:
CUZ SHE’S HILARIOUS!! Yeah, she’s somewhat of an ugmo but I’d rather be funny than hot. Although, some days I’m both! ;o)
The richest woman in the world:
Because she is the richest woman in the world. Don’t worry, I’d give you each a few million to lavish adoration upon mua. I know you already do but this way you’d get paid for it.

Because she just got a greenhouse and I've been wanting one for about 2 years. She also claims to have tattoos but I've never seen them, have you? Nah they must be the fake ones I keep buying.
Okay, that's all I was able to come up with and now I have a headache. I welcome any suggestions!
Please remember that tomorrow is my official Blogging Day Off. That doesn't mean it's your day off from clicking Humor-Blogs for me.

Wednesday, February 27, 2008

"My List" of freebies begs for more. 10 is better than 5!

-Day 58. Don't let a man put anything over on you except an umbrella.- Mae West
**Warning contains expicit material! Okay, maybe not but this was posted with hub-ub's"permission".**

After watching Ryan Reynolds in "Definitely Maybe", I am currently in negotiations to up my "My List*” from 5 to 10.
I can’t keep removing men from it in good conscience. They’ll start getting jealous and fighting each other... who needs more trouble in Hollywood? Not me.
Here’s my list of likely suspects:
Brad Pitt:
Forever and ever Amen! Bex claims he changes his hair to match his current flame so I told her I'll be looking forward to him dying it black with burgundy/red streaks.
Paul Walker:
Smiley blue eyes! Great smile. Delicious to look at. All around hot guy on wheels.
Ryan Reynolds:
Guy next door. Guy I could have gone to school with and dated.
The dude from that one movie whose name I can’t remember:
Hispanic guy with a gorgeous voice. As soon as I typed that I remembered the name of the movie "Domino" and the guy's name is Edgar Ramirez yu-umm-o
(::sigh:: why must life always burst my rubber bubbles??? I just looked him up and he doesn't look as good. Probably because he cut his hair! Dang Nabbit people stop messing with the looks that make me want to put you on my list!) (I'll leave him on until I decide what to do, it's too much pressure right now.)
Jack Johnson:
His music makes me want to be on a beach with a Corona or Margarita in my hand, watching the sunset.
(Sorry EWBL, I know he makes you want to stick a knitting needle in your ear.)
Dirty smile. I like scruffy guys more than I like men who are always conscience of how they look. Sawyer, for you, I'm willing to say soap schmoap!
Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson:
Clean smile. Muscles galore! Nuff said.
Jason Bourne (not Matt Damon, JASON BOURNE):
There's something about a guy being able to kill with his bare hands that makes me swoooooooon. As long as he's not trying to kill me that is. Besides, we know who would win that fight, right Babe?
Obviously when he was thin AND alive. Very important for him to be alive.
(Did I ever tell you guys about the time my pops wore a shirt from Halloween that said "I'm a Necrophiliac"? He walked around the mall with me until I made him put on his jacket!?!?! Good times.)
Maroon Five (lead singer not the whole band):
I'm sure if I wiki'd him, I could find his name but I already did all that research on that Edgar Ramirez disappointment so we'll just pretend his name is Steve. Anyway, Steve's songs make me sigh for the past/present/future.
I was going around blogland on Tuesday, not doing much work, when I came across Leigh's post about bald men. Then Bex's about Brad Pitt and I'm thinking we might need to have us a chocolate fondue party! ;o)

*I've sent Urban Dictionary my definition and they said they'll get back to me. Since I couldn't wait, I joined up to be an editor because I have SO much time on my hands.

Don't forget to click for me cuz I'm slowly sliding off the face of the Earth.

Tuesday, February 26, 2008

Inappropriate Card Day makes you feel warm and fuzzy like the bearded fat lady on a summer day.

-Day 57.

Today is Inappropriate Card Day.

It's a National Blog Holiday instituted by Diesel at MPAC, here is the history.
I am obligated to participate otherwise I'll get a ticket and that would be very inappropriate.
Of course, I would participate anyway even without the threat of a Vijillion dollar fine because I am a team player… MOST of the time.

I decided to make my own because there are too many of you and my accountant has put a block on my allowance ever since I called him an "oogly monster". He didn't think that was very appropriate but he still has to prove I said it in a court of law.

Anyway, here it is and it's for you, You, YOU and even EWE!
****************************Photo courtesy of Scarlet. Model: Scarecrow.

A day late recap.
This weekend was awesomeness on a waffle cone sundae!
It felt like summertime here in Chi-townland! It was about 40 degrees, the sun was shining, snow was melting, and people were walking around in shorts (short trousers Brian).

Do you want to know how Andy and I celebrated the sun on Saturday? We went to a dark movie theater and saw “Definitely Maybe”. Take that sunshine!

Anyway, while there, we saw a poster for
Indiana Jones and The Kingdom of Crystal Skull.

To quote Andy "Pfft! The sequels always suck after so much time has elapsed!"

As soon as we heard the ♫♪Ta Ta Ta Taaaa ta ta ta♫♪ (sorry I’m a little off key today) we were lost! If you were thinking of inviting me to brunch on May 22nd, I'm sorry but I have plans to see Harrison Ford jump from a jeep or into a jeep or away from a jeep.
Unlike the previews they showed at the last movie we saw (Cloverfield), these previews were better. I'm looking forward to more darkness once they’re released in spring/summer. My brother Dan will be happy to know Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants made a sequel. Yeah, he likes all the chick flicks and plus he works in fashion.
Before we left the movie theater, I went to use the ladies room so as not to have an unfortunate accident while waiting to pick up our Chinese food. (Why is that I can hold it in for hours at work but when in the free world I have to go every 2 hours or so?)
As I was walking into the ladies room, a couple of older women did a double take. Being the non confrontational person I am, I was about to say something snarky when I looked at a mirror and said “Ohhhh…” This was my first foray out in public and people were reacting to my new look.
I guess my hair is kinda scary when paired with a snarl.
Hmmm, I'm thinking I’ll have to tone my FIERCE* look down a tad when amongst the mortals.
Little side note. Because I have a power of suggestion type of mind, as soon as I said I used the ladies, I had to stop and go use the ladies.

When I opened the door, I almost stepped into an open bag of cosmetics. This wasn’t one of those little ones you carry in your purse. This sucker was bigger than a duffel bag!
In front of the mirror stood a woman of about 50 doing her hair and make up. She had every surface covered with cosmetics, hair spray, curling irons (2), hair dryer, flat iron and lord knows what else!
This is my advice, if you need that much help to be presentable, wake up 2 hours earlier in the morning and do it at home or do us all a favor and just hide under the bed until modern science invents pretty pills.

*Thanks Tracy! Now I'm saying fierce all the time!

Now back to our regularly scheduled snowfilled Tuesday!
Please click on humor-blogs for me.

Monday, February 25, 2008

Philip Seymour Hoffman loses again?? I demand a recount!

-Day 56. I forgot about the Oscars!-
How could I have done such a horrible thing!
I mean, this year, OZ's twin was nominated for... something and as Puddy said "Gotta support the team".
I got home just in time for his category. I sat there a few minutes before they called the winner, at the edge of my seat, and they didn't announce his name!

Nooooo!!! What a sad day. Or uhm... night. I blame John Travolta.
Besides being OZ's twin, he is one of the greatest actors I've ever seen.

Let me tell you how I judge this.

If I can watch "Along came Polly" and not know that Ben Stiller's friend is the same guy that came out in "Boogie Nights"/"Mission Impossible"/"Red Dragon", well, that is a true chameleon my friends because nobody can fool me.
Except that guy who sold me the genuine 30 kt diamond ring for 50 bucks at the corner of Western and Armitage.
Or the guy who sold me those speakers for $300 and when I got home the boxes were empty... I should have known better since the boxes were light as a feather.
The guy said it was because they were the newest technology in audiovigory.
Don't look up the word audiovigory, it doesn't exist.
As I was saying, I know he won one for "Capote" but I wasn't working at the Asylum yet. I would have loved to go in to work and say to OZ "PSH won an Oscar. Hey! I hadn't noticed before but you look just like him!"
I still don't know if he would be flattered or pissed.
Best part of the night?
I was chatting with Suzy Soro from HOLLYWOOD Where HOT Comes To Die ™ she's as cool and funny in person as she is on her blog!
Plus she also loves shoes and purses so she's obviously very smart.
Okay, later dude-- what?
Oh, you're asking if I saw the movie PSH was nominated for and therefore have an informed opinion?
No. [look away as I blush]
But that has never stopped me form talking nonsense before.
Please click on Humor-Blogs and check out Suzy's blog.
... You guys better not leave me, though.

Does anybody know how to give a male Crowntail Beta mouth to mouth resuscitation? I think he's on the verge of crossing over to the big lake in the sky. No, not Lake Michigan!

Sunday, February 24, 2008

You think that you're too cool for school, but I have a newsflash for you, Walter Cronkite... you are-n't.- Zoolander

-Day 55. The results are in amigo. What's left to ponder?- Hansel

There's something wrong with our Interworldwideweb so I can't ramble like I usually do. I just have one question.

Is it weird that every time Zoolander is on, I have to watch it and then laugh hysterically after this dialogue:

Derek Zoolander: Oh, I thought you were going to tell me what a bad eugoogalizor I am.

Matilda: What?

Derek Zoolander: A eugoogalizor, one who speaks at funerals. Or did you think I'd be too stupid to know what a eugoogoly was?

Maybe it's cuz I'm really, really ridiculously good looking.

Who are you tryin' to get crazy with, Ese? Don't you know I'm loco?

If you haven't seen this movie (BRIAN!) you have to watch it as soon as possible! Just be warned that it's cheesy.
For more Zoolander quotes, click here.

Seriously! I feel like I'm typing on one of those ancient computers that showed you that blinking square before it spat out a letter! That's how slow my laptop is right now!

I'm not putting the humor-blog link on this post but can you still click on the icon for me? Thanks!
Hasta Lumbago!

Saturday, February 23, 2008

Why steal from hacks? Pick on someone good!

-Day 54. Don't worry about people stealing your ideas. If your ideas are any good, you'll have to ram them down people's throats.- Howard Aiken

There I was, in the middle of the night (9:30 pm-ish), looking for a small used desk on Craigslist, (my accountant will not approve a purchase of a new one for blogging purposes, he also doesn't care that my booty becomes numb, my back and neck ache from sitting on our uncomfortable art deco couches because the only spot for my laptop is on the coffee table, while he is on his comfy throne in his dungeon) (and by dungeon, I mean place where he keeps his gaming computer, comic books, dolls khhrrm uh... ACTION FIGURES, salt water aquarium, electric guitar, etc. etc.) But I'm not bitter.

Anyway, as usual, my attention is jumping from here to there (me, shoes, desk, shoes, blogs, shoes, me) when I decide to Technorati myself. Why? Because I'm vain.

That's when I saw it. Somebody took my Valentine's post and put it up as their own.

Well, techinically they just took my title, the anonymous quote I found and the Savage Chicken cartoon. Still, I worked damn hard on that post!

Hold on, I don't remember what it was about, let me go check it out real quick. Uh... okay, I didn't work that hard on it but the title... I was so proud of the title: Day of Masacre and Love ♥.

This chick even used the same font! Because I'm about as computer litierate as an ant hill, I can't tell if she linked me. If she did sorry(ish) if she didn't for shame!

My spirit is broken! Please click on Humor-Blogs and make me smile.

Friday, February 22, 2008

10 funny "people" you'll "meet" on Humor-Blogs. (Excessive use of quotation marks pisses me off too.)

I’ve gotten a couple of people questioning me in regards to the clicking of Humor-Blogs.

The questions have been:

1) “Do I click from your blog there or from Humor-Blogs to you?”

2) “What do I do once I get there?”

3) “How much money do you make?”

4) "Why do you think you're so cool? Do you think maybe it's all in your head?"
1) Okay, in order for the click to count, you have to click from MY blog (my actual blog and not the Feed) to Humor-Blogs. This will propel me up the ranks to stardom. No, just kidding. I’m not greedy, I’ll settle for the top thirty which is always displayed on the main page.

2) Once you get to Humor-Blogs, stick around and enjoy the funny bloggers. I’m going to give you my personal favorites and tell you why they’re my personal favorites at the end of this post. Well, let’s not call it the end, more like the beginning of a fun new adventure. Or Bee & XYZ’s Excellent Adventure! Queue the air guitars!

3) I make more money than the anorexic twins from Full House put together!
Just kidding.
I don’t make any money off Humor-Blogs, the clicks are for the ranks only.

4) Yes.

Here are the funnies in no particular order: (After you visit them, click on their Humor-Blogs Icon so that you can keep them on their level of highness. Like I said, I’m not greedy and I like to share the LOVE! And don't get Jell-o these are just my favorite from Humor-Blogs, my other favorites know who you are, right? On with my list)

15 Minute Lunch.

That guy has a way of telling a story that has me prying my eyelids off my eyeballs after I finish reading his posts cuz the moisture has dried from lack of blinking. Plus he has bathroom stories too and I will always have a soft spot for bathroom stories.

Mattress Police Antisocial Commentary

It’s not just cuz he’s the founder of HB, honestly, the guy is funny. His blog is also interactive, he’ll put of pictures of famous and/or funny scenes, photo shop himself in there and creates a caption contest. Anybody can participate. Then you go back and vote for the funniest one.

Predator Press

Postings of an enigmatic funny dude that makes you THINK before you laugh. Did you hear me? You have to think about it first AND THEN LAUGH! But you will laugh.

The Ominous Comma

Be careful when you go over there cuz he is very ominous. You’ll probably laugh while you’re running away from his ominousness.

By the way, those last two are dangerous cuz they like to pick fights and duel, mostly with each other from what I’ve seen but you can never be too careful!

The Poke Show

He brings you a collection of funny, sometimes saucy, videos which you would probably never find on your own. I don’t want to know how he does it. Life is better with some mystery I always say. Okay, that’s the first time I’ve ever said that but I will from now on.

The Frog Bog

Frogster has been seen here now and then and he was the one that conducted the review of yours truly. Now now, don’t get mad at him since he was being fair. He has admitted to being a male housewife so you have to go check out some of his stories. He makes a better housewife than I do and less hairy.

The Blog of Bex, and On Many Subjects.

The reason I combined these two is cuz they tell you about their everyday lives (not with each other, I think they live in different states) in a humorous, sometimes a little grossy manner.

I think that’s it. I think I’m done oh… wait a minute!! I saved the best for last!

The Great The Unshakable The Fantastic Elastic The Smiling Infidel!!!!!

You guys all know I have special love for her since we're long distance kin. She and I have the same initials... only, substitute her first letter to a B and we could be interchangeable twins. Well, I’m sure her Papi and my Poli (Spanish slang for Cop, Warden, Pistol Whipper) (no, it has nothing to do with him being of Polish decent) wouldn’t like that one little bit so maybe we won’t do any type of INTER GALACTIC Wife Swap any time soon.

Anyway, let me tell you a cheesy story on how I came to find her.
It all started in a little village outside of Verona… no, that’s not it…

Once upon a time in a kingdom far far awa-…

Whatever man, just read her cuz she’s funny and then click on her Humor-Blog link and then come back and tell me how funny you think she is!

The end!


Please click for me too. Please, pretty please.

Thursday, February 21, 2008

Profanity edited (somewhat), nobody needs to hear that from a "lady".

-Day 52. I have some road rage inside of me. Traffic, especially in L.A., is a pet peeve of mine.- Katie Holmes (Ah! Another thing Katie Holmes and I have in common besides our "love" for weird mind controlling freaks visionaries! ::sigh::)
Shit! Does anybody else have Prince’s “Controversy” in their head? Please help me get it out!
Okay, so I know you’re tired of hearing about my bad freakin’ weather. I know it because you’ve e-mailed to tell me how people in Oregon got like 20 feet of snow or something equally disastrous.

You’ve also e-mailed me to tell me about places that are not prepared for freezing cold winters and are now having issues with living, as in they’re dying. Yes. I get it. I’m a complainer but that shouldn’t surprise you, right?

Since you love hearing about it so much, here is a DETAILED description of my hazardous drive in to work on Wednesday.


8:10-8:12 AM (yes, I realize I start at 8:00 AM)
Step out the back door and slide to the garage, crash into the garage door that froze midway up, hadn’t noticed it was frozen because I was looking down at my feet which were doing a cool little backwards figure 8 on the icy driveway. (If you have to ask me what a backwards figure 8 is, just click away right now.). Luckily, me whacking the garage door made it work so it opened the rest of the way. My shoulder now needs surgery.

Zig zag down the driveway, zig zag down the side street. Oh, here comes an asshole that lacks proper “Street has shrunk due to ice and snow therefore I will not go down the middle of the street taking up precious space so that one Awesome Little Bee has to scrape the side of her car on a huge wall of snow” etiquette.
Don’t worry, my car is fine. In fact I’m going to nickname it my “Mini Tank”.

Trying to get onto one of the 2 major roads that will deliver me to my hell. Can’t see very well over the snow. Okay, here’s my chance! Now I’m behind a man that’s going 10 miles an hour on a 40 mile per hour road. It’s taking me 3 minutes to get to the other major street instead of my usual 30 seconds. So what if the roads are icy! That’s why God invented airbags! Great! Now I missed the right turn green arrow (a green arrow is just a precautionary sign telling me I have 20 seconds before oncoming traffic plows into me, and not in a good way)

Okay! Here’s my chance! I’ll just go right after this Monster Wheel Truck!
BAD MOVE! Bad bad bad move.

This guy has his hoopty all pimped out in tires TALLER THAN ME (not to mention splashing me with cruddy mud) with 2 tail pipes blowing steam right on my windshield!
It’s bad enough the sun’s glare is blinding me, now I have this fog I can’t see thru.

Okay, deep breath, just concentrate on not hitting a 5 foot deep pothole (a pothole is a ginormous crater native to places with bad weather and/or bad hygiene, they are considered armed and dangerous with many reports of people going missing after falling in one.)
I’m gripping the steering wheel, squinting, stretching my neck, sliding on the icy road, bumping as I hit the potholes when I realize I just invented the next big fad in dance steps:
Grip, Squint, Stretch, Slide-Slide Bump-Bump
Coming soon to a club near you! (or disco as Jean Knee and Brian call them [::snicker::])

Anyway, I’m almost in the clear, I just have to get passed two overpass bridges without leaving a part of my car as a “Bee was here” reminder. Okay. almost there. Steady. Steady. WHAT THE FUCK!!! Out of nowhere, a blue beemer gets into my lane!

Oh no he didn’t just cut me off!! My car fish tails, but not really because it was more of a fish head shimmy, I have to regain control of my Mini Tank so I don’t wipe out the cement blocks that hold the overpass up, knocking down all life forms crossing over to the Highway.

Ya see, the reason this butt munch cut me off is, he thought they were doing construction on the street thereby shutting down one lane. He felt the need to merge into my icy lane within inches of me when the reality is, there are TWO distinct lanes!

Yeah, I honked but this did not help my aggression go away. I should have followed him to his place of business and/or crack house and slapped him a few times to make myself feel better but I was already late for work. (No more following fuck-wit crack whores and slappin' them around. I think there's a law somewhere that says that. I think.)

I Parked my Mini Tank, slid thru the parking lot, crunched the salt on the entryway to the office building, ran to the time clock and punched in at 8:28.
Yeah, the clock in my car is wrong so all these times are 2 minutes fast.

I hear you laughing at me! I'll forgive you if you clicky.

Don't ask me why I didn't move into the other lane away from the Monster Truck, the left lane is filled with other hazards and obstacles, mainly oncoming traffic not recognizing they are in the wrong lane going the wrong way. I'd rather take my chances with human eating potholes and moving overpasses rather than have a head on collision with a blind nut job. But that's just me.

I really did edit my profanity. The thoughts in my head were way way worse!

Wednesday, February 20, 2008

Back to our regularly scheduled program... sort of.

-Day 51! OH MY LORD! I'm hyperventilating!! Diesel at Mattress Police Antisocial Commentary did a post about the controversy! It's like Angelina Jolie saying she likes my style! Same feeling! The same!

Did you guys just call me a kiss ass?!?! Okay.

Thanks to everyone for mocking the mocker. You guys love me! Or at least don't hate me too much. Give yourselves a high five. Harder!

Moving on.

Elderly Reactions to my hair:

“Oh. Wow! Interesting.”

You just overloaded my brain.

“It looks great!”

I wish I could be you.
(Come on now, we all know it's true!)

“I love it!”

Phew! I thought my alcoholic mind was making me see things! (I know that was mean of me but I really don’t care)

Cowardly Lion:
[She chose to ignore me, my soul is still crying.]

I won’t acknowledge you until you let me pee freely!
(I hope that goes on my tombstone)

PD [on loan from the Louvre, she has decided to work alternating weeks]:
“Well, will you look at that? When did you do this? … … Cute.”

You are a heathen devil's spawn and I can’t believe I have to sit across from you for 3 days before I’m off for another week and a half! (Yeah, she is such a bitch!)

“Oh how cool!”

Where’s my dog treat?

“Don’t let my wife see you because she’ll want your hair!”

“Don’t let my wife see you because she’ll want your hair!”

The best was OZ:
[Does a double take as he sees me walking by. He pages my extension.]
Bianca, can you come in here for a moment.

[once I get there]

I couldn’t believe my eyes! What’s next tattoos and piercings? I’m going to do my mine pink.

Blue, you should do yours blue.

You look sharp!

Seriously, he said I looked sharp! Ha! I haven’t said that since I was about 15 or 16. He tries to talk in “young people’s language” I don’t even understand the young ‘uns! You know, because I’m old.

Okay, business time:

Please click on Humor-Blogs.
Later Dudes!

Tuesday, February 19, 2008

Professing my ♥ for Gerald.

-Day 50. Everyone has a right to be an idiot. Some people abuse the privilege. - Joseph Stalin (Normally I wouldn't quote anything Joe S. would have said but...)


You all know how much I love my anonymous heckler right? I've got me another one:

Gerald said...
So who did andy and bee blow to always be the first post listed on humorblogs?
I can't be the only person asking about this situation. Right?

February 18, 2008 6:13 PM

Oh Gerald, Gerald, dear, sweet, innocent, Gerald. I'd like to thank you for giving me more material for a post.

Since your concerns are my concerns, I did contact Mr. Diesel President-CEO-Founder-King of Humor-Blogs just for you.

"Hello Mr. Diesel! It seems people's panties are in a bunch because my old posts keep popping up first. I'm not sure what I'm doing (or not) and I've tried fixing it by removing the HB link on the posts but then the next one will pop up and just stay there. I'm not contacting you because an asswipe left me a nasty comment cuz I'm not scaurd but I should probably fix it. I know you're busy, any suggestions would be appreciated. Thanks! Bee"

He was very interested in your dilemma and replied the following:

"It's not your fault. For some reason it keeps adding a new version of your post every time it refreshes. Something to do with the way your feed is formatted. Anyway, I'll get it fixed one of these day. Feel free to quote this email and tell the haters to f*** off and not take things so seriously. :)

He is such a nice guy, isn't he a nice guy?
Just so you know, if you're a guy (or even a girl), I know he's happily married and would not want you anywhere near him.
I'm sure he'll get to it as soon as possible since he did seem genuinely upset for you.

I don't just want to say "Fuck Off" and leave it at that so, as a consolation prize, I am posting a picture just for you.

This is a picture of my Chia Pet.

Isn't it beautiful? It was a gift from my sister.
Up until today, I didn't have a name for him but now I'm naming him Gerald, even if that might not be your real name.

I would show you more angles to Gerald but this is his best side. Unfortunately, his ass is bald. I don't know why since I did spread the goopy seeds on ALL sides of him equally.

Oh well! I guess it's not the lack of ass vegetation or balls that matter in life.

Until later, my dear, sweet, Gerald.



When you come over again, let us return the favor by visiting you. Please post the link to your blog. And don't forget to click on humor-blogs for me!

Monday, February 18, 2008

Color me red.♥

-Day 49.
On Saturday, I followed thru on the promise I'd made myself to dye my hair. My SIL Esmeralda took me to her "guy". Here's the before:

First, I'd like to tell you what Alberto, the male stylist, said to me when I told him what I wanted to do to my hair: "Are you crazy?" To which I responded "Yeah, a little bit." Agree or disagree?
I then said the words all stylist love to hear "I want these 2 colors and mid-length hair, other than that, you can do whatever you want". Alberto sighed with pleasure! By the way, that's his real name.
This was my first time doing something so drastic to my hair, other than chopping it off when the mood strikes, I mean.

Although I was prepared to get up at the crack of dawn, sit in a chair for hours without breakfast or ::gasp:: coffee, I was not prepared to to have an epiphany.
Maybe it was all the aluminum in my hair channeling all the wise old spirits like Einstein, Plato, Socrates and Elvis. Whatever it was, it made me realize something monumental.
This look, is not a good look.

If this would have been the first moment Andy laid eyes on me, he would have asked Alberto out before he would have even dared approach me.
I mean, look at this kid in the background!
At this moment he's thinking, "When I grow up, I'm marrying a bald woman!" or maybe he's jealous and wants to marinate his hair too. It might look exciting from a bored child perspective.
Anywho, even though I aged 2 years while sitting in that chair, I enjoyed my bonding moment with Crazy Ez. That's my nickname for her now, although not to her face since she might get mad and slap me. Or something worse... hug me. :o{
I promised pictures so I had to take them myself since Andy's hands are atrophied because he's been playing the Wizard World Crafters Game for 49 hours straight. In fact, he went to bed at 3 AM Saturday into Sunday. How hypocritical is that??? He makes my bedtime 10:30 no if ands or buts about it but when he's killing orcers the rules don't count!
I digress.
Here are the pictures.
Some are blurry, I might have moved at the last minute, but still came out cool.
Well, I think they're cool so anything I think is cool, is cool no matter what anybody else says.
I know you're shocked to see recent full frontal Bee since I've been so careful not to show my likeness in any form be it caricature, CGI or pictograph but there was no other way to show you my cool hair.
These I took in front of the mirror. Like it needed to be said, right? Duh! This will be the look I'm sporting at work since I always wear my hair up. I couldn't get the bottom part, due to my inability to twist my hand without breaking it, which is too bad cuz he did the bottom layer all in red.

There you have it, the coolness that is me just got cooler!
Now if I can figure out a way to bottle my coolness and sell it for major profit, I'd be golden!
I want to leave Mother Nature another little message.
Dear Mother Nature,
I would like to thank you for screwing us over with the big stick again.
First you give us below zero wind chills. Then you give us the North Pole's helping of snow. Now you've given us enough rain to water The Cranberry Orchards of Atoowalla.
To top it off, like a ginourmous cherry on our craptacular sundae, you're dropping the temperature so the water can freeze making our walking/driving a game of how many times will I fall on my ass or slide into a snow bank without braking a bone. Niiiice!
Next time you want to flex your muscle, just chop my hands off at the wrist and be done with your torture.
Thank you,
Nothing to do with any thing but...
I was watching Ghostbusters and they were eating Twinkies while smoking! Who does that? Everybody knows Twinkies are harmful to your health!
You may leave your comments on how much you love my hair now.

Sunday, February 17, 2008

Bee, the next Stevie Nicks?

-Day 48 of my quest to post 365 days. As you all know, my day off will be February 29th so you'll be able to take a deep breath and say "It's about damn time she shut her yap!"
Mean. You guys are mean.

Tracy has come to my rescue and found a solution to my marriage woes!

Thank you Tracy! Thanks to you, we might make it to our 7th anniversary without any blood shed.

I will post the pics of my fantabulous hair tomorrow here's a hint:

We have a new toy!
We finally got Rock Band and I'm dying to play the drums! And maybe do some singing raspy voiced chick style like Bonnie Tyler.

Oh-Oh! Andy keeps getting Boo'd off the stage! Now he's pissed and telling the game it's a c*ck sucking mother effer. Yikes! I guess we're not out of the woods yet... Nah, I'm sure we'll have tons of fun! [help me!]

Hasta La Bye Bye!

P.S. Before you leave, don't forget to click on Humor-Blogs for me!
Thank you kindly.

Saturday, February 16, 2008

My piggies are frozen!!

-Day 47. Yeah yeah, I said I loved winter but it's time to plant my freakin' flowers already!


I called in sick on Friday thinking I would stick it to Glynda and the bats while I enjoyed a nice peaceful day doin' nothing. Nothing, I tell ya'!

I hung out with a cool 4 AND 3 QUARTERS year old and we got to see the coolest thing this year!

We had a family of deer across the street from our house eating the neighbor's bush. [uh... let's leave that one alone, 'kay?]
I also took some video but it looks crappy and there's allot of noise in the background, Tazz was in his kennel crying after being punished for trying to take a chunk out of my chunky skin-people calling me on the phone-Noggin blasting in the background-my email notification going off-not to mention Natalia and I disagreeing as to how many deer we saw, so I decided not to post it.
Anyway, in the second picture you see the "lookout" behind the mountain of snow. Click to see it better.

Halfway thru the day, I got a massive migraine! MASSIVE! And to top things off, the sun decided to come out today and burn the retinas right out of my head!

I was almost tempted to go outside in just a sweater but the sunshine was deceiving. It was sooo cold I decided to bust these puppies out.

I have come to the conclusion that they make my feet look waaay unattractive. And where did my pinkie toe go? To the market?
Whatever, it was too cold for me to care about fashion.
Wish me luck guys, today is the day I change my hair... drastically!

Friday, February 15, 2008

♫Andy and Bee sitting in a tree♫... will you move the hell over!! ♥

-Day 46. Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.- Anonymous

Watching the news Thursday night, there was a report on a new research saying relationships make you gain weight because you become comfortable with your partner.

New? Are you freakin' kidding me??

This has been common knowledge since Cavewoman Zanoogabooga bonked Caveman Sangrrr... focus people! By bonked I meant hit on the head with a club and yes, she was the aggressor.

Anyway, after she bonked him on the head with her red billy-club, dragged him home, had little cavekiddies, she gained a few pounds here and there.

Meanwhile her mom kept telling her she had to take care of her looks so Sangrrr wouldn't look at Betty in that way.

Dummies! How about they use that research money on important things like inventing unscuffable shoes.

So yeah, let's move on.

Recap of Bee and Andy's DAY OF LOVE! ♥♥♥
It started at approximately 12:01 AM on V-Day.

::sigh:: Will you move over?

Oh you're fine!

Did you not read my Tablespoon-Teaspoon post?

You're exaggerating!


My strategy was to let him fall asleep and shove him as per usual.

10 minutes later. I shoved him, he woke up and locked me in tighter.
15 minutes later. I shoved him, he woke up and locked me in even tighter.
10 minutes later. I shoved him, he woke up...

What? What??

Can you move over please? Please??

Where to the north?

Bee: [picture my face all kinds of confused]
What the fuck are you talking about just move!

Yeah, but I need to know where? Towards north?

North! East! Who gives a shit just move!


Yup! He was asleep.

I did what all nice girls do, I braced myself and with all four limbs shoved him to within an inch of the floor. In yer face!!

As you can imagine, my grouchy mood carried over into V-Day Morn.

Okay, I'm going to work now.


As you can imagine, my grouchy mood carried over into V-Day Noon.

Andy: [on the phone]
You're making it up! I didn't say anything about moving North!

Not all was lost, I am currently sitting here at 11:47 pm having being granted an extension on my bedtime since I'm calling in sick tomorrow! Woohoo!!
Happy V-Day to me!
Andy said he would not comment on my previous post since he thought my love letter was about him. :o{

Clicky for me.

Thursday, February 14, 2008

Day of Masacre and Love.♥

-Day 45. I don't understand why Cupid was chosen to represent Valentine's Day. When I think about romance, the last thing on my mind is a short, chubby toddler coming at me with a weapon.- Author Unknown
Well it’s V-Day again. In honor of today, I’ve decided to write a little love letter at the end of this post.
The next segment is called:
Stupid is as stupid does. 4 Parts.
[while using my teddy bear Santa pen]
You know Christmas passed right?
No I didn't, I’m glad you told me! Old must be contagious!
[after taking my Lean Cuisine out of microwave]
Does it get very hot?
Bee: [rolling my eyes]
No, it makes it colder.
CL the receptionist:
Are you trying to degrade me by not letting me go to the bathroom?
Bee: [I looked up perplexed, hadn't even noticed her come into the Business Office because I was, you know, working.]
Do you think I like coming over and asking you if I "may" go to the bathroom as if I were a child asking teacher?
Bee: [after taking her argument into consideration]
While I AM pretty awesome and have many super powers, detecting when your bladder is full is not one of them.
[CL huffs out so I get up to give her the rest of my wise and sage advise (did you just say wise-ass? okay.)]
Unless you know a better way, other than me checking you with a dipstick, the only thing my simple mind can come up with is YOU telling ME you have to go to the bathroom.
Stupidest of all:
I'm upset I didn't think of the whole "withholding potty breaks" as a social experiment in my constant war against the bats. I must be slipping in my old age! What? Christmas is really over??
Here is my love letter:
Burgundy is the color of L-O-V-E
How did I ever function before you came into my life?
If I were to be stranded on a highway, I could use you as my lifeline.
You wake me up in time to be late for work.
You remind me of people’s birthdays and movies I want to see.
You tell me about the weather and how to get places.
You let me watch shows I’ve missed and keep me updated on my bloggy friends.
It was love at first sight even though all I saw was a picture.
When I saw you up close and personal it was better than my dreams.
You go with me wherever I go,
even when I take a shower you are by my side.
Your sweet tune makes me realize people love to talk to me.
And even though you cost me a few weeks of my allowance, buying you was totally worth it!
My will never be the same.

I love you my new Blackjack II in Burgundy.

Bee s B2B 4-ever!
Who'd you think it was gonna be for? Andy? ;o)
Yeah, I suck at writing love letters cuz I'm not the mushy type.
<- Please click<-

Wednesday, February 13, 2008

I'll vote for you Stephen Colbert!

-Day 44. Politicians are like diapers. They both need changing regularly and for the same reason.- Author Unknown


There's this chick that completely hooked me on Stephen Colbert. He's now on my "list of 5 men" and all because of his sense of humor. Is it weird that I keep changing my 5? I guess it's fine as long as it's not laminated.

Please click on this video where he interviews Philip Zimbardo regarding his book "The Lucifer Effect: Understanding How Good People Turn Evil". Watch the faces he makes very carefully.

A quote from him on this video "I teach Sunday school Mother F*cker!"

I love him. (Stephen not Philip)
They removed the video, here's the link.

Now stay tuned for a message from our sponsor.

Does your husband not listen to you when you ask him not to buy you anything for Valentine's Day? Does he listen to his friends instead who tell him you're playing mind games and you really really want a present, chocolate or flowers?

Well, here is our solution:
Grab him by the short hairs (OF HIS NECK), bring his head down to your eye level and say the following words "Babe, I love you but if you bring me anything this year, so help me I'll shave your eyebrows while you sleep!"

That moment brought to you by Bad Ass Wives of America.

Those chickens are on to something!

Andy quotes of the night:

Bee, I want to lead people into a resistance against machines!

(while watching Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles)


You can do anything as long as you believe in yourself babe!


Mike Huckabee:

"I didn't major in math. I majored in miracles"


I think Jesus will have something to say about that!


Who needs to go out in this crappy weather to find entertainment when I have my own stand up comedian sitting next to me on the sofa?

Please click on humor-blogs!

Tuesday, February 12, 2008

I smelled damn good on Monday! (If I do say so myself.)

-Day 43. A lot of people like snow. I find it to be an unnecessary freezing of water.- Carl Reiner


I’m boycotting showers, baths and all things related to water touching my skin. Well, I might still wash my hands since I’m not a complete savage.

If I can keep my natural oils, there's a strong possibility I'll make it thru the winter! I might not have a husband, family and friends at the end of this but we all have to make sacrifices in this life.

My skin is looking like a weird science experiment with a human(ish) person as the guinea pig. The test is “How many days can the subject live with dry and cracked skin without bleeding to death?” so far it’s been 88 days. I’m hoping we thaw before I hit 100 because there’s only so much scraping I can take. Hope you’re having breakfast!

I want to pass a law prohibiting Mother Nature from making us endure so many consecutive ice cold days. She should have a quota of about 20 days per year with the agreement that she can’t use them all one right after the other.

I know what your thinking, "another campaign, Bee?"
Short answer 'Yes', long answer 'So?'

Every single part of my body itches because of my dry skin. My ears look like I could be Prince Charles' twin because I keep rubbing them (I can't scratch my ears, they're delicate little flowers --in the form of Venus Fly Traps at the moment--)!

Since I'm a woman of action, I decided to start this campaign Against Mother Nature's Torture of Mortals by Consecutive Cold Days.

It's not like I'm asking for NO cold days just not that many in a row. I don't want to feel like I'm living in freakin' Siberia! (Not that there's anything wrong with living in Siberia)

"What's in it for me?" you ask. (Damn! You ask way too many questions!)

Well, the fact that I won't be bitching and moaning about how cold I am should be incentive enough for you to join my campaign.

Is it too much to ask? DON'T answer that.

Quick Milton Snippet:

Last week she was Kitchen Marm (KM). I've told you guys about her weird habit of eating
expired foods (and the follow up cracker story). Well, this chick(en?), hen?, tried to poison us last week by bringing in a Folgers coffee with an expiration date of, hold on to your pants (both trousers and unders)... January of 2006!!!!!!!!


Why? Why would she bring it in if there is a whole shelf full of nice fresh coffee in the stock room! We didn't find out until Thursday. She was late so somebody else made the coffee and made the gruesome discovery.

Before you say something about it being a selling date and not meaning anything, I will drink milk that's a couple of days past it's expiration date, after I smell it first, no big deal but that is MY decision. For her to bring in 2 year old expired crap and not tell us about it makes her all kinds of stupid!

Admittedly, I couldn't tell it was rancid coffee but I attribute that to the fact that the coffee in this office is already strong enough to make men of women (by that I mean hairy) (not that there's anything wrong with hairy women, they're just not my thaang).

Back to the rant, who is this woman? I have never met anyone who had SO many peculiarities in my life! And I've met some doozies, people!


To join my AMNTMCCD campaign click on humor-blogs.

I got this coolio award from NCS. Gracias! Now, I'm passing the torch to Tracy. And Brian if he wants it but I know he'll say something about clutter cuz he's a dude.

Monday, February 11, 2008

Me and my nutless household.

-Day 42. His mother should have thrown him out and kept the stork.- Mae West

You know how I'm always telling you guys to come visit Chicago?
It's freezing and I don't want to be responsible for any freezer-burns or amputated toes do to frostbite. Knowing you, you'd come over in flip flops and shorts asking "where's the beach?".
It's even too cold for me!

Also, if you were to come over to my house and want a little snack. I'm afraid you'd be disappointed.

Let me tell you what happened to me.

I saw a can of yummy mixed nuts so I lunged for 'em. I was already imagining the nice salty crunchy deliciousness. I opened the lid and discovered... crumbs!


Who the hell eats almost all the nuts and then leaves only crumbs therefore giving a poor unsuspecting short person a false sense of peanuty-ness?

Let's investigate.

By process of elimination:
It wasn't me.
Mocha and Tazz can't eat peanuts and cannot reach the cabinets...
I guess that leaves only one person (who shall remain nameless!).

Now I'm left hungry, angry and nutless. Life can be so unfair sometimes.

Guess who backed into the recycle bin (because of the 10 feet walls of snow) while it was waiting to be picked up at the end of our driveway ??
By process of elimination:

It wasn't Andy.
Mocha and Tazz can't drive and cannot open the car door much less start the car.
I guess that leaves only one person (who shall remain nameless!).
Damn you snow!
Please click on humor-blogs to help me get some peanuts.