This is a completely made up story. It is not real AT ALL!!

Okay, lets say there's this chick and she works at a doctor's office. Her main duty is to recoup money from slackjaw insurance companies (and other companies who are keeping money from her grubby hands) but every once in a while, she will also help out with translating for patients who do not speak THE ENGLISH. Remember, this is a fictional character so therefore the situation I'm about to relate is also fictional. DO WE UNDERSTAND EACH OTHER? Okay.

So there she is, sitting at her desk looking gorgeous like always (this part would be fact if the character were real), when the nurse comes and says she's needed for translating. She gets up, adjusts her clothes to make sure there is no excessive cleavage on display (also fact), checks a mirror to make sure she doesn't have a coffee mustache and she's ready to go into the exam room.

Dr.:
Hello Bia-uh Fictional Gorgeous Chick, this is Pretend Patient. He seems to have hurt his back and shoulder but we're having difficulties understanding how.

Bia-uh Fictional Gorgeous Chick:
Spanish Speak for How did it happen?

Pretend Patient:
Spanish Speak for I'm embarrassed to say…

Bia-uh Fictional Gorgeous Chick:
SS for Well, the doc needs to know so he can add that to your office notes and it will help him determine which muscles you might have hurt.

Pretend Patient:
SS for I was ::whispers:: in the bathroom ::/whispers:: and I had to ::whispers:: wipe ::/whispers:: so I turned like this [shows me upper body half turn with left arm twisted in an awkward angle and DOES A WIPING MOTION] and I felt a sharp tug on my back and a pop on my shoulder.

Oh My GOD! NOW I HAVE TO TRANSLATE THIS!! I mean uh, SHE, the fictional character that is.

Bia-uh Fictional Gorgeous Chick translates VERBATIM in English Speak.

Doctor, who is a 14 year old in a fifty-something year old body (who am I kidding, I barely held it together but I did because I AM A PROEFSSIONAL!)(dammit! I mean SHE THE FICTIONAL CHARACTER!), reacts with one of those faces where you are trying hard not to sneeze but it bubbles to the surface and you hear a weird wheezing noise. His face gets all red but his lips and nose are white at the edges from trying not to burst out in laughter. He reaches into his pocket, says he's being paged and will return in a minute, as he's walking rigidly out of the room with his butt cheeks clenched (clear as day).THERE IS NO PAGE. How do I know? Uh, I mean SHE. Because when he is being paged, you can hear a loud BEEP BEEP BEEP from his pager also known as a BEEPer.

So now this beautiful little angel is left alone with this Pretend Patient who is mortified because he would have to be blind not to understand exactly what happened.

What does she say? "I apologize but he has the urge to pass gas at odd times."

Yup. Defused that bomb. So to speak.

Turns out the patient is right handed but he had an injury on his right hand so he had to go left.
My sides hurt from laughing so hard. I mean HER- SHE-- Allegedly!

::SIGH::

Humor-Blogs

Speed. The dangers of the elderly pushing their geriatric hips to their limit.

You know what cracks me up? (Besides monkeys dressed as people I mean, but I'm sure that makes everybody laugh.


Ha ha Ha!! See? Funny! An-y-way! Back to things that crack me up.)
.
People who walk AT THE SPEED OF LIGHT in an office environment.

Our office is a decent size with a big reception/waiting room area, 8 exam rooms, then there are the physicians’ offices plus 2 chart rooms, kitchen and a bathroom (I’ve never talked about THAT bathroom because I hardly use it and prefer to go out to the one in the main lobby. Why? you ask, because I went in to use it once and one of the doctors hadn’t flushed which made me gag and… blech!) are towards the back.

You with me? My point here is that no matter how big the office is, you do not need to be rushing about the place like you’re trying to win the 100 yard dash and the prize is a shiny new nickel.

If I have to plaster myself to the wall and then fix my hair after you’ve sped by me, leaving a weird back draft of wind, well, you need to adjust your meds.
AND! If you think I’m going to move my butt faster just because you’re on my heels? The exact OPPOSITE will happen. All of a sudden I’ll be looking for hidden images on the walls or the carpet or the ceiling “ooh! look at that! It looks just like Ghostface from Scream!!”

All in all, this is my way of telling you “Slow the hell down Speedy Gonzalez!”

The 3 feet you walk to the copy machine will not burn 20 pounds of fat off your body. It just won't.
There are no emergencies in our office, except that one time Scarecrow started pushing a wheelchair before the patient had a chance to place his feet on the foot holder things.
No emergencies = no need to power walk with your ass up in the air. Unless that's your signature walk, in that case you have other issues.

Okay, so it doesn’t so much crack me up as make me want to beat somebody with the corner of an iron desk. Just another thing I guess.
.
Do you remember this post? Where I wanted people to stop calling me the mother of my dogs?

Now we're on the flip side.

Anonymous dummy:
"What are you getting Andy for Father's Day?"

Fed Up Cool Girl:
"If Andy is a dad, I'm getting him a coffin"

Anonymous dummy #2:
"No silly, from the dogs."

Still fed up cool girl:
"Why do you insist on making these bestiality accusations? My Andy would never get it on with a dog!"

Hopefully word will travel and people will stop their fuckin' questions!

You know where there are allot of quick walking motherfathers? Humor-Blogs.
.
On a completely different subject, this here message is for NCS. Her B-Day is 5/28/08. if you're not NCS, don't read it okay? It's secrety and private.


Feliz Cumpleaños Chica Feliz!!! Mucho gusto en conocerte!

P.S.
How does one become addicted to Orbit Mojito flavor gum?? I nearly ripped my desk drawer out when I couldn't find the last piece of gum I had left.

I had to stand back, take a few deep breaths and remind myself gum was NOT worth dying for, coffee on the other hand...

P.P.S.
Stay tuned for my next post where the curse of the laundromat continues. It's a doozy!

Inappropriate Card Day makes you feel warm and fuzzy like the bearded fat lady on a summer day.

-Day 57.

Today is Inappropriate Card Day.

It's a National Blog Holiday instituted by Diesel at MPAC, here is the history.
I am obligated to participate otherwise I'll get a ticket and that would be very inappropriate.
Of course, I would participate anyway even without the threat of a Vijillion dollar fine because I am a team player… MOST of the time.

I decided to make my own because there are too many of you and my accountant has put a block on my allowance ever since I called him an "oogly monster". He didn't think that was very appropriate but he still has to prove I said it in a court of law.

Anyway, here it is and it's for you, You, YOU and even EWE!
****************************Photo courtesy of Scarlet. Model: Scarecrow.

A day late recap.
This weekend was awesomeness on a waffle cone sundae!
It felt like summertime here in Chi-townland! It was about 40 degrees, the sun was shining, snow was melting, and people were walking around in shorts (short trousers Brian).

Do you want to know how Andy and I celebrated the sun on Saturday? We went to a dark movie theater and saw “Definitely Maybe”. Take that sunshine!

Anyway, while there, we saw a poster for Indiana Jones and The Kingdom of Crystal Skull.

To quote Andy "Pfft! The sequels always suck after so much time has elapsed!"

As soon as we heard the ♫♪Ta Ta Ta Taaaa ta ta ta♫♪ (sorry I’m a little off key today) we were lost! If you were thinking of inviting me to brunch on May 22nd, I'm sorry but I have plans to see Harrison Ford jump from a jeep or into a jeep or away from a jeep.
.
Unlike the previews they showed at the last movie we saw (Cloverfield), these previews were better. I'm looking forward to more darkness once they’re released in spring/summer. My brother Dan will be happy to know Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants made a sequel. Yeah, he likes all the chick flicks and plus he works in fashion.
.
Before we left the movie theater, I went to use the ladies room so as not to have an unfortunate accident while waiting to pick up our Chinese food. (Why is that I can hold it in for hours at work but when in the free world I have to go every 2 hours or so?)
As I was walking into the ladies room, a couple of older women did a double take. Being the non confrontational person I am, I was about to say something snarky when I looked at a mirror and said “Ohhhh…” This was my first foray out in public and people were reacting to my new look.
I guess my hair is kinda scary when paired with a snarl.
Hmmm, I'm thinking I’ll have to tone my FIERCE* look down a tad when amongst the mortals.
.
Little side note. Because I have a power of suggestion type of mind, as soon as I said I used the ladies, I had to stop and go use the ladies.
When I opened the door, I almost stepped into an open bag of cosmetics. This wasn’t one of those little ones you carry in your purse. This sucker was bigger than a duffel bag!
In front of the mirror stood a woman of about 50 doing her hair and make up. She had every surface covered with cosmetics, hair spray, curling irons (2), hair dryer, flat iron and lord knows what else!
This is my advice, if you need that much help to be presentable, wake up 2 hours earlier in the morning and do it at home or do us all a favor and just hide under the bed until modern science invents pretty pills.

*Thanks Tracy! Now I'm saying fierce all the time!

Now back to our regularly scheduled snowfilled Tuesday!
.
Please click on humor-blogs for me.

The Little blog that could...

So...

I've been informed by my little sister that no-one in her company can access my blog from work anymore. If they try, their browser locks up and sends a series of shocks to their fingers! (true story!) (maybe)

Yup!
Bee's Musings has been banned from the major corporation that is VJ/D, with locations all over the world.

Me! Little ole' me!

I feel special!

I guess too many people were wasting company time reading me on a daily basis.

To them I say:

"Ladies and Gents, at work you should work.
Please do not use my blog as a diversion for doing your work duties. Yes, I know I have on occasion made you laugh so hard you squirted orange juice thru your nose (ouch!). Yes, I know that reading my blog made you work more efficiently as it put a smile on your face for the rest of the day.

I have come up with a compromise so as not to lose you as my readership. I will drive to your location in Corporateville, IL. with a laptop and WiFi and wait for you in the parking lot so you may come out during lunch.

Don't be discouraged as there is a solution for every hiccup in our lives!
I am currently in talks with the CEO of VJ/D and will try to charm him into understanding why it is so important to have your daily 'Bee Fix'.
Never fear, I will always be there for you."

.
OR!
.
You can do 1 of 2 things:
.
1) Look for another job and get me banned there too.
.

2) You turkeys can read me from home instead of getting me in trouble with Corporate America! What do you think??? Good idea???

Which one sounds more logical?

Get to work all of y'all!

Yes, I know I'm being a hypocrite since I do allot of blogging while at work but look at it this way, you guys get raises and bonuses, I get to be a slacker.
The scales of justice are tipped evenly...
.
It also got me wondering what other sites are banned for VJ/D.
Am I in the same league as:
.
http://www.spankme.com/
http://www.suckingit.com/
http://www.pornforfreaks.com/
.
Yeah, that would be good for my rep!

P.S.
I made up random websites for kicks and giggles but I had to investigate their authenticity.
Please be aware 2 of those are actual links to depravity.
I won't tell you which one isn't cuz then I won't have any fun.

KM Week and B@@BS part 2.<-- HA! That Looks Sick!

So this is my Kitchen Marm week.

After being slimed by pink lipstick my last KM week I asked that everybody do their own freakin' dishes and Glynda agreed so she told me to print a sign and put it up by the kitchen sink.





I realize this sign does not say, forks, knives, spoons but you would think it's implied...


When the sign first went up there was great controversy.


There I was minding my bee's wax eating my lunch, listening to my tunes on my iPod, when they came at me with the gale force of a bad wind!


They of course being, Purple Dino-SOUR, Scarecrow and Toto, came in a pack so the nonsense they spewed was not easily identified as to who said what.


"who put it up?"


"whose idea was it?"


"well I never!"

Fuckin' Bats!

Cool Bee Running:

I mentioned it at meeting I told you guys I didn't appreciate getting slimed and doing your dishes. Why are you surprised?

Toto:
I don't mind doing other people's dishes.
-


Cool Bee Running:
Well of course you don't but I am not your maid. Frankly I don't give a shit if it pisses you off.
-
[they gasp] Oops! I said shit and pisses... :o)
-
Nothing to do with the story but...every time I say "Oops" I'm reminded of John McClane saying "Oops! No bullets!" to Hans Gruber in Die Hard. Go figure.
-
Luckily for me I had brought back the stupid kitchen towel thing otherwise they might have lynched me.


Or died trying.

"Yippee-ki-yay, motherfucker!"

I know, I know. I should get a life.

B@@bs part 2

I was debating if I should share this story since I believe I've embarrassed myself enough but... I have no shame!

I went to refill my water bottle at the water cooler thing. I was wearing a nice somewhat conservative blouse not too V-Necked but I was very self-conscious of over exposure so I kept looking around making sure no one was coming down the hall as I was bent forward.

ALL OF A SUDDEN! (do you notice how everything is "all of a sudden" in my life?)

OZ walks into the room and I was so startled...

My hand...

jerked up...

and spilled the water...

all over...

the front of my...

light pink...

thin peasant blouse...

so...

over exposure galore!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
-
OZ ran to get me paper towels. I'm just thankful he didn't try helping me dry.

::sigh::

Does anybody know of any job openings anywhere? Mc Donald's? Car Wash?

Maybe I can post my Resumé on Monster with the title:
"Flashing a Strong Possibility" :o(

First Cute and Cuddly then TORTURE!

First Cute and Cuddly.

Above is a picture of Shoogie Boogie and her Boogie mom (AKA my little sis) on Natalia's first day back at Pre-K. Aren't they both cuties? :o)
-
She was dropped off at school the same as last year. Her mommy, daddy and grandmother all watched as she ran into her new classroom with a quick goodbye but without a backwards glance!
-

Then her daddy picked her up and drove her to mommy's work where they went to lunch and the plan was for daddy to take her miniature golfing.
-
However...
-The little princess had had a long day! :o) Her daddy had to park under the shade and wait for her to wake up from her nap.

AWWW!


Now Torture!
-
Anyway, in my quest to be the most evil worker ever to grace this office... I did the following to the poor unsuspecting souls that have the misfortune to be my co-workers.
-
My friend Thunderbird, Lord of The Spiders sent me the following tongue twister:
-
I'm not the Pheasant Plucker,
I'm the Pheasant Plucker's son,
And I'm only plucking pheasants
Till the Pheasant Plucker comes.
-

My plan: To recite it over and over at odd moments and at different volumes.

-

The following were the reactions after they "heard" me say the tongue twister.

-
Victim #1- Purple Dino-SOUR
PD: [walking toward her desk]
Is that a song? It sounds like you’re saying “flucker”…?
-

Cool Shoes Bee:
What? Oh I’m sorry, was I talking out loud?
-

PD:
Yes, what was it you were saying?
-

Cool Shoes Bee:
Not sure, I didn’t realize I was saying anything. Sorry if I was bothering you. [faked a sheepish look]
-

PD: [Confused look, which is her normal look because she's, say it with me, always confused!]
Oh. Okay.

-
-I had to be careful and torture them separately-

-

Victim #2- Scarecrow

Scarecrow: [looking for a chart near my desk]

Ha Ha! Is that a dirty limerick?

-

Cool Shoes Bee:

What? Is what a dirty limerick?

-

Scarecrow: [smiling from ear to ear]

What you were saying right now. It sounded like "I once had a peasant [whispers] fucker"

-

Cool Shoes Bee: [looking at her with big shocked eyes]

Waaahhuut!?

-

Scarecrow: [embarrassed]

Oh! My mistake I just thought you... sorry.

-

As soon as she walked out I laughed till I couldn't breathe! I felt bad but I couldn't tell her just yet.

-

Victim #3- Milton

Milton: [walking towards the copy machine that's right next to me]

I'm sorry what?

-

Cool Shoes Bee:

I'm just talking to myself.

-

Milton:

Oh. [You could tell she's dying to ask again but didn't want to risk angering me. Like that's possible, I'm so sweet all the time!]

-
I said it again, made sure she heard me over the copier's noise

-

Milton: [little girl poltergeist voice]

Are you reciting a poem?

-

Cool Shoes Bee:

Um... no, just thinking out loud. Sorry if it bothers you.

-

Milton:

No, it doesn't bother me but out of curiosity, what were you saying?

-

Cool Shoes Bee:

I know I was talking out loud but I'd really rather not talk about it. It's kinda personal.

-

Milton:

I understand but it just seemed like you were saying something about a "pleasant plucker"...?

-

I coudn't stand it anymore I busted out laughing!

-

So let's recap:

We got flucker, peasant fucker, pleasant plucker.

-

I haven't laughed so hard since... well since I got an e-mail saying I had offensive material on my blog! Me! Can you believe it? Me either!!!

I should cut their head off with a humid piece of celery!

-

Yeah, I know. I'm such a Bit- ah-ah-ah... Didn't say it.

I said Peanuts!

So…
I wasn’t going to post anything today so that you could all marvel at how down to earth the WW is until the next part of her interview but… it seems my co-workers just don’t want to take a day off on being silly!

Picture this scene.

I go to the front Reception/Waiting Room area to look for a chart. Milton is watching the Reception desk for Cowardly Lion while she takes a potty break.

In walks an Older Gentleman with a big smile and says:
OG:
‘Hi there! I’m John Doe and I brought my knee to see the doctor!’

[I giggle cuz I thought that was funny]

Milton:
‘Hi Mr. Doe, you said you brought your niece?'

OG:
'No, not my knees, my knee!'

Milton:
'Right, is that your niece over there?' [pointing to an even older lady who had been sitting in the waiting room for a while]

OG:
'Who? What? Huh?'

Milton:
[loud voice] 'WHAT IS YOUR NIECE'S NAME?'

OG:
[loud voice back] 'WHICH ONE...?'

[before Milton can answer, I jump off the 4-step step stool (not so much jump, more like fall) and say]

Cool Bananas Bee:
'Milton this is Mr. Doe, he has an appointment at 2:30 and he's here to see the doctor for his knee!'

[I tap my knee for emphasis in case she still doesn't get it...]

Remind me again why I'm drinking decaf?


Oh... HIM!

OZ wanted an update on an account but he couldn't remember the patient's name.
This is the information he gave me:

'He's a young Russian guy, good looking but gay. I fixed his elbow.'

If anybody knows who this is, or if you are this guy, please let me know.

Kevin who? Oh…Kenny! Things that happened Tuesday.

My weird-country-music-lovin’-married-to-a-texan-FROM-TEXAS-sister made me go to our friendly neighborhood food market parking lot so that we could try to win some concert tickets for “Kenny Chesney & The Gang”. (I know… he doesn’t have a gang)

After about half an hour of sitting in the sun they called my name! She was happy. I was sunburned!
After another half hour they called her name! They almost didn’t give her the tickets because we were both wearing red shirts and dark pants/shorts so people thought she and I were the same person! (Crazy people! it’s like confusing Charlize Theron with Scarlett Johansen, only we’re a little bit more beautiful)



Anyway, this made me happy cuz, even though I looked like a cooked lobster, now I get to sell mine on eBay! Moh-ney! Moh-ney Moh-ney! Moh-ney! ShoeMoh-ney!

What…? Why don’t I go? If you’re asking that question let’s just say you don’t know me very well and leave it at that. (psst! I don’t want to offend the Texan cuz he’s like 9 feet tall and can squash my head like a grape!)

More weirdness

I was reading my Jane Magazine and came across a tip on how to cover bald spots on your head. They are suggesting eye shadow that matches your hair color… what happens when you sweat???
Can you imagine having this big brown streak down your cheek???(rhymed)

Stranger on the street: ‘Excuse me Miss but either your hair color is leaking or your face is tarnishing!’

Other thing they suggested for covering up gray hair… MASCARA!
It seems that the man who married my mother and produced us by divine intervention, was ahead of his time! About 5 years ago he asked my sister to buy him some mascara so that he could cover the gray in his moustache! From now on I will take his advice on fashion, money, politics, family, work AND religion! HA!

-

Small bathroom encounter (not the George Michael kind gutter minds!).

-

Lady in the stall next to mine: 'WTF! Come on!'

Me keeping my mouth shut this time.

LITSNTM: 'GAWDAMNIT! I'm going to have rip the fuckin' zipper!'

Me singing the theme song to Titanic in my head.

LITSNTM: [to person in other stall AKA me]'sorry, my zipper's stuck and I really have to pee. If you hear a ripping sound it's that.'

Me: 'Don't worry, I've heard worse things in this bathroom...'

LITSNTM: [silent for a moment then...] HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Then I heard a ripping noise and on that note I exited the bathroom. (after washing my hands)

I gotta tell you, I no longer dread going to the bathroom.