Thursday, February 21, 2008

Profanity edited (somewhat), nobody needs to hear that from a "lady".

-Day 52. I have some road rage inside of me. Traffic, especially in L.A., is a pet peeve of mine.- Katie Holmes (Ah! Another thing Katie Holmes and I have in common besides our "love" for weird mind controlling freaks visionaries! ::sigh::)
.
Shit! Does anybody else have Prince’s “Controversy” in their head? Please help me get it out!
.
Okay, so I know you’re tired of hearing about my bad freakin’ weather. I know it because you’ve e-mailed to tell me how people in Oregon got like 20 feet of snow or something equally disastrous.

You’ve also e-mailed me to tell me about places that are not prepared for freezing cold winters and are now having issues with living, as in they’re dying. Yes. I get it. I’m a complainer but that shouldn’t surprise you, right?

Since you love hearing about it so much, here is a DETAILED description of my hazardous drive in to work on Wednesday.

DETAILED BUT WITH ONLY SOME SWEARS.

8:10-8:12 AM (yes, I realize I start at 8:00 AM)
Step out the back door and slide to the garage, crash into the garage door that froze midway up, hadn’t noticed it was frozen because I was looking down at my feet which were doing a cool little backwards figure 8 on the icy driveway. (If you have to ask me what a backwards figure 8 is, just click away right now.). Luckily, me whacking the garage door made it work so it opened the rest of the way. My shoulder now needs surgery.

8:13-8:16
Zig zag down the driveway, zig zag down the side street. Oh, here comes an asshole that lacks proper “Street has shrunk due to ice and snow therefore I will not go down the middle of the street taking up precious space so that one Awesome Little Bee has to scrape the side of her car on a huge wall of snow” etiquette.
Don’t worry, my car is fine. In fact I’m going to nickname it my “Mini Tank”.

8:16-8:20
Trying to get onto one of the 2 major roads that will deliver me to my hell. Can’t see very well over the snow. Okay, here’s my chance! Now I’m behind a man that’s going 10 miles an hour on a 40 mile per hour road. It’s taking me 3 minutes to get to the other major street instead of my usual 30 seconds. So what if the roads are icy! That’s why God invented airbags! Great! Now I missed the right turn green arrow (a green arrow is just a precautionary sign telling me I have 20 seconds before oncoming traffic plows into me, and not in a good way)

8:21-8:26
Okay! Here’s my chance! I’ll just go right after this Monster Wheel Truck!
BAD MOVE! Bad bad bad move.

This guy has his hoopty all pimped out in tires TALLER THAN ME (not to mention splashing me with cruddy mud) with 2 tail pipes blowing steam right on my windshield!
It’s bad enough the sun’s glare is blinding me, now I have this fog I can’t see thru.

Okay, deep breath, just concentrate on not hitting a 5 foot deep pothole (a pothole is a ginormous crater native to places with bad weather and/or bad hygiene, they are considered armed and dangerous with many reports of people going missing after falling in one.)
I’m gripping the steering wheel, squinting, stretching my neck, sliding on the icy road, bumping as I hit the potholes when I realize I just invented the next big fad in dance steps:
Grip, Squint, Stretch, Slide-Slide Bump-Bump
Coming soon to a club near you! (or disco as Jean Knee and Brian call them [::snicker::])

Anyway, I’m almost in the clear, I just have to get passed two overpass bridges without leaving a part of my car as a “Bee was here” reminder. Okay. almost there. Steady. Steady. WHAT THE FUCK!!! Out of nowhere, a blue beemer gets into my lane!

Oh no he didn’t just cut me off!! My car fish tails, but not really because it was more of a fish head shimmy, I have to regain control of my Mini Tank so I don’t wipe out the cement blocks that hold the overpass up, knocking down all life forms crossing over to the Highway.

Ya see, the reason this butt munch cut me off is, he thought they were doing construction on the street thereby shutting down one lane. He felt the need to merge into my icy lane within inches of me when the reality is, there are TWO distinct lanes!

Yeah, I honked but this did not help my aggression go away. I should have followed him to his place of business and/or crack house and slapped him a few times to make myself feel better but I was already late for work. (No more following fuck-wit crack whores and slappin' them around. I think there's a law somewhere that says that. I think.)

8:27-8:30
I Parked my Mini Tank, slid thru the parking lot, crunched the salt on the entryway to the office building, ran to the time clock and punched in at 8:28.
What?
Yeah, the clock in my car is wrong so all these times are 2 minutes fast.
So?

I hear you laughing at me! I'll forgive you if you clicky.

P.S.
Don't ask me why I didn't move into the other lane away from the Monster Truck, the left lane is filled with other hazards and obstacles, mainly oncoming traffic not recognizing they are in the wrong lane going the wrong way. I'd rather take my chances with human eating potholes and moving overpasses rather than have a head on collision with a blind nut job. But that's just me.


P.P.S.
I really did edit my profanity. The thoughts in my head were way way worse!

16 comments:

  1. >>>I should have followed him to his place of business and/or crack house and slapped him a few times to make myself feel better

    I so much agree but somehow I have not pursued my second amendment rights to the arms of bears to be prepared to carry though on my threats.

    damn those crack whores.

    ReplyDelete
  2. It sounds like you need to get a job you can do from home. Rather than in traction in a hospital bed...

    ReplyDelete
  3. Nothing on earth I can say to top this. As a native Floridian who is trapped in icy Virginia, I will keep my frozen mouth shut, while I pray for a speedy spring.

    ReplyDelete
  4. Dear Bee,
    I vow to you that I will never tire of listening to you complain and I always feel a thrill when you let the profanity fly so I say "Carry on! Complain till you're blue in the face, cuss like a trucker (my father was a trucker so I happen to know what a trucker cusses like. I'm an expert if you will)
    One problem that we have here is that most people own a four wheel drive truck so when the weather is bad they pile all twenty of their kids into their truck and go out driving as fast as they can in the middle of the road so that us who only have front wheel drive super mini vans have to get out of the way. It's a lot of fun. I feel your pain.
    Love
    Tracy

    ReplyDelete
  5. people with road rage live, on average 5 years longer

    ReplyDelete
  6. wow, all that in your 2 mile drive to work, imagine if you had to drive 30 miles like me.

    ReplyDelete
  7. forgot to mention that I got a new post

    ReplyDelete
  8. Ha I was first, first, on Dan's new post even though I had no witty comment, I was still first

    ReplyDelete
  9. MADD (morons against deranged drivers)February 21, 2008 at 9:10 AM

    We approve this message

    ReplyDelete
  10. Daniel:
    Yeah, I'd stay away from bears too. I hear they're hazzardous to your health! :o{

    Brian:
    I tried to get Andy to pay me for staying at home chillin' but he said something about me blogging all day and being lazy. I have no clue what he's talking about.

    Kayfour:
    You and me both sister!

    Tracy:
    My next feat will be to cuss like a lumberjack! Do you know any? :o)

    jean knee:
    Oh good! So I'll live to 55 instead of 50. That's something to look forward too.

    Dan:
    I hate to correct you brotha' but it's actually a mile and a half.

    jean knee:
    Is Brian's "mean" contagious????

    ReplyDelete
  11. hahahahahahaHA! So...I'm not the only one! You know it's just the stupid people and the assholes screwing it up for the rest of us! If they would fuck off then the world would be such a happier place.

    You need a punching bag over your stick shift. Every time some shit head does something stupid you get to punch it. I'll bet it'd feel good. You could even dress it up (like Wilson in Cast Away) as the people who piss you off the most. For me it would be either little old Asian ladies OR guys in ginormous trucks with rebel flags in the rear view mirrors because whenever someone tries to hit my car it is invariably one of the two.

    ReplyDelete
  12. Let's make a rule that if the 11th person doesn't take full advantage of the HONOR of been 11th that then the next person can claim 11thness for his/her own.

    Ahem


    11th!!!

    ReplyDelete
  13. Thanks for editing your psot for those of us with innocent and virginal eyes.

    You are brave, I would not wnat to drive in those conditions. I'd probably just pull over and cry while you drive by and point/laugh at me :(
    That would hurt my feelings but not as mcuh as the guy behind you who flipped me off >:(

    ReplyDelete
  14. The other day on the way to work a car in front of me spun around like a top. I could tell the driver was stressed, what with her waving hangs and look of terror on her face when it came into view the three times she spun around and faced me. To lessen her stress, I yelled "WHEEE!!" loudly, hoping she'd hear me.

    Then I thought of going home and staying inside until this modern day ice age comes to an end.

    (I actually said "WHEEE *&#&# WHEEEE!" but wanted to follow your lead on the profanity thing. And I have Prince's "She's Always In My Hair" in my head)

    ReplyDelete
  15. Dear Bee-
    Truth? I have a friend whose sister happens to be a logger which is like a lumberjack. Did I mention that I live in West Virginia?
    Love
    Tracy

    ReplyDelete
  16. Profanity editors of The AmericasFebruary 21, 2008 at 8:32 PM

    We approve!

    ReplyDelete

Ask me no questions and I’ll tell you no lies.