Shit! Does anybody else have Prince’s “Controversy” in their head? Please help me get it out!
Okay, so I know you’re tired of hearing about my bad freakin’ weather. I know it because you’ve e-mailed to tell me how people in Oregon got like 20 feet of snow or something equally disastrous.
You’ve also e-mailed me to tell me about places that are not prepared for freezing cold winters and are now having issues with living, as in they’re dying. Yes. I get it. I’m a complainer but that shouldn’t surprise you, right?
Since you love hearing about it so much, here is a DETAILED description of my hazardous drive in to work on Wednesday.
DETAILED BUT WITH ONLY SOME SWEARS.
8:10-8:12 AM (yes, I realize I start at 8:00 AM)
Step out the back door and slide to the garage, crash into the garage door that froze midway up, hadn’t noticed it was frozen because I was looking down at my feet which were doing a cool little backwards figure 8 on the icy driveway. (If you have to ask me what a backwards figure 8 is, just click away right now.). Luckily, me whacking the garage door made it work so it opened the rest of the way. My shoulder now needs surgery.
Zig zag down the driveway, zig zag down the side street. Oh, here comes an asshole that lacks proper “Street has shrunk due to ice and snow therefore I will not go down the middle of the street taking up precious space so that one Awesome Little Bee has to scrape the side of her car on a huge wall of snow” etiquette.
Don’t worry, my car is fine. In fact I’m going to nickname it my “Mini Tank”.
Trying to get onto one of the 2 major roads that will deliver me to my hell. Can’t see very well over the snow. Okay, here’s my chance! Now I’m behind a man that’s going 10 miles an hour on a 40 mile per hour road. It’s taking me 3 minutes to get to the other major street instead of my usual 30 seconds. So what if the roads are icy! That’s why God invented airbags! Great! Now I missed the right turn green arrow (a green arrow is just a precautionary sign telling me I have 20 seconds before oncoming traffic plows into me, and not in a good way)
Okay! Here’s my chance! I’ll just go right after this Monster Wheel Truck!
BAD MOVE! Bad bad bad move.
This guy has his hoopty all pimped out in tires TALLER THAN ME (not to mention splashing me with cruddy mud) with 2 tail pipes blowing steam right on my windshield!
It’s bad enough the sun’s glare is blinding me, now I have this fog I can’t see thru.
Okay, deep breath, just concentrate on not hitting a 5 foot deep pothole (a pothole is a ginormous crater native to places with bad weather and/or bad hygiene, they are considered armed and dangerous with many reports of people going missing after falling in one.)
I’m gripping the steering wheel, squinting, stretching my neck, sliding on the icy road, bumping as I hit the potholes when I realize I just invented the next big fad in dance steps:
Grip, Squint, Stretch, Slide-Slide Bump-Bump
Coming soon to a club near you! (or disco as Jean Knee and Brian call them [::snicker::])
Anyway, I’m almost in the clear, I just have to get passed two overpass bridges without leaving a part of my car as a “Bee was here” reminder. Okay. almost there. Steady. Steady. WHAT THE FUCK!!! Out of nowhere, a blue beemer gets into my lane!
Oh no he didn’t just cut me off!! My car fish tails, but not really because it was more of a fish head shimmy, I have to regain control of my Mini Tank so I don’t wipe out the cement blocks that hold the overpass up, knocking down all life forms crossing over to the Highway.
Ya see, the reason this butt munch cut me off is, he thought they were doing construction on the street thereby shutting down one lane. He felt the need to merge into my icy lane within inches of me when the reality is, there are TWO distinct lanes!
Yeah, I honked but this did not help my aggression go away. I should have followed him to his place of business and/or crack house and slapped him a few times to make myself feel better but I was already late for work. (No more following fuck-wit crack whores and slappin' them around. I think there's a law somewhere that says that. I think.)
I Parked my Mini Tank, slid thru the parking lot, crunched the salt on the entryway to the office building, ran to the time clock and punched in at 8:28.
Yeah, the clock in my car is wrong so all these times are 2 minutes fast.
I hear you laughing at me! I'll forgive you if you clicky.
Don't ask me why I didn't move into the other lane away from the Monster Truck, the left lane is filled with other hazards and obstacles, mainly oncoming traffic not recognizing they are in the wrong lane going the wrong way. I'd rather take my chances with human eating potholes and moving overpasses rather than have a head on collision with a blind nut job. But that's just me.
I really did edit my profanity. The thoughts in my head were way way worse!