Thursday, February 7, 2008

My interpretation of Milton moments in G minor. (I have no clue what G minor is)

Day 38. Why do you let these ladies get to you?- Brother Dan.
Because I'm human little brother. (Well, human-ish.)


If I were talented enough to write a song for Milton, I would.
I really would.
I mean, she’s been my inspiration for SO many posts that I feel I should write her a Sonata performed in my dulcet tones.
I owe her that much.


Since I’m just a talent-less hack, here is an open letter to Milton, asking the whys and wherefores of her peculiar behavior. Well, not so much "asking" as chronicling the oddness that is SHE.
Sorry guys, another long one. [jean knee-that's what she said!]

Dear Milton,
Today you spent about 2 hours looking up a phone number on whitepages.com. When I asked why you didn’t just call information, you responded the following, “They charge 40 cents for directory assistance. I don’t want the company to have to pay that when I can look up the number for free online .”

Dear dear delusional Milton. While I am NOT a math wiz, I can come to obvious conclusions such as:

If person “A” makes approximately $XX.00 an hour and wastes 2 hours doing something that she can spend 10 seconds doing while only paying 40 cents... well, this person is not only at the bottom of the stupid barrel, their accounting title should also be stripped and given to the homeless guy outside of Macy’s.

The final blow came to you when you couldn't find the listing and HAD to call directory assistance where they told you the number was “unlisted”. Now you have cost the company $XX.40.

I cried with you.

Then you stopped me as I was sleepily walking to get more coffee and we had the following exchange:

You: [accusingly]
Are those blue slacks? I thought you said you only had black and brown!

Me: [drowsy, drooling]
What? When did I say that?

You:
One time I was telling you about some socks I bought, you said “I have about 12 pairs of black slacks and 10 pairs of brown” you never said you had blue ones.

Me: [thinking I’m dreaming. Did I say dreaming? I meant nightmare-ing]
Uh… I’m… sorry?

Seriously? Should I send you a memo every time I buy a pair of slacks? How does that change the way I work? They were dark blue not light-powdery-sky-blue with puffy white clouds. They went from here to there like all good slacks and fit regularly. They weren’t short or too tight or leather with fringe nor did they have steer heads on the back pockets (as is customary in Texas) so why would it matter?

Still, our conversations are always entertaining. They keep me from wondering what it would be like to work with the criminally insane.

Then, before lunch, you gave me a stack of things you’d withheld from me since November and you made a face.

Why would you make a "cutesy" face when talking to me? I'm a girl, you're a girl.

I will not think "Awww she made a cute POUTY little face therefore I'll forgive the fact that she just doubled my workload and said 'Sawy'!"
No. Making a cutesy face only enrages me to the point of no return.

I’m “sawy” but I had to tell you. I’d feel remorseful if I didn’t warn you before I pushed you off a cliff. It might give you a chance to fight back, however un-suc-cess-ful.

To top off our day together, you decided to challenge me on the pronunciation of the word “Sherbet”. You just had to insist that there was a second “R” therefore making it SherbeRt. Why? Why would you do that if only seconds before I had told you of Andy correcting my mistake while we bought some yummolicious lemon raspberry SHERBET? I was trying to tell you I had it wrong all these years but instead you made it about us. You and Me US.

You went on to tell me how in 1921 (or something old) you used to go to
Cock Robin (which made me giggle) and order the rainbow SherbeRt. I guess you were trying to tell me how old and experienced and never wrong you are. It finally came to a Google duel.

I slowly bowed my head and said “Google away for I have work to do.” (and by "work" I meant write this shit down so I could remember it later).

Unfortunately Wiki let you down. Here and here.

But! You did come to the conclusion that saying SherbeRt is an accepted form of saying sherbet.

Because it’s YOU, you can say it however you want. You can call it COLORED-FLAVORED-ASS-JUICE if you want and I’ll still support your decision.

Oh Milton you crazy bitch, and I mean that in the most loving of ways, thank you for the years you’ve given me and here’s to many more. Raise your COLORED-FLAVORED-ASS-JUICE. SALUD!

Yours in death.

Bee.


Will you spare this girl a click?

21 comments:

  1. Whoooo-hooooo! I am first!!!

    Good thing Big Tex got a call that pulled him away from the computer giving me a whole 5 minutes of computer time...

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  2. Holy crap, what is wrong with her?! That is worth at least one click. :)

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  3. Aah, salud Milton!

    You should make an inventory of your closet Bee. I mean, poor Milton, maybe that's keeping her up at night.

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  4. I'm afraid your sums are wrong. Person "A" was going to be paid already, whether she wasted 2 hours or not. So she might have saved 0.40.

    Remember, we're talking accounting here, not common sense.

    Oh, and you'd better learn to spell "salad" right as well, before she find out...

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  5. G minor:

    Same notes as Bb Major, but the tonic is G.

    In an ascending G minor scale it's common to raise the 6th and 7th notes a semitone (so that the leading note is one semitone lower than the tonic).

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  6. Dear Bee,
    Do you know that I have never used the term "slacks"? I've always said pants. Just an interesting tidbit for you.
    I've always said sherbet but then again, I've always said ConneCTicutt too. I feel that if there's a letter there, it needs to be acknowledged and if the letter isn't there, I don't add it.
    Just another little tidbit of info for you. You're welcome.
    Love,
    Tracy

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  7. I really need to make more time in my day to stop over here.

    #1 you always make me laugh and I need that.

    #2 I consider you a weird form of'college'. You're always teaching me things I never learned in my earlier educational years.

    I have always said SherbeRt and of course now feel totally ridiculous for being so uneducated. Thank you for making me smarter. I will send my tuition check to you shortly.

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  8. I don't know Bee. It seems like Milton is trying to bond with you in a mother-daughter type way. My mom knows every item in my wardrobe (I don't have much, you'd die if you saw the sparseness of my tiny closet) and she taught me to say sherbeRt. I try to say sherbet but it just seems soo wrong.

    wait, how do you say poinsettia?

    also, you have to do something really evil to her for that cutesy face abomination. Shall I send her an anonymous letter with white powder in it??

    that thing about my mom knowing my closet contents was a lie, a complete lie.

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  9. Nancy:
    Red Blackjack

    Diesel:
    You clicked for me! You really clicked for me! ;o)

    NCS:
    In order for me to inventory my closet, I’d need help from my friends. It’s a jungle in there! :o)

    Brian:
    Weeeeell, back when I was a wee little tiger cub, my Calculus Professor would deduct points from me for not showing my work when doing any equations, problems etc.
    You see, I would look at the problem and know the answer but when I tried to write down how I came to the conclusion, my dyslexic mind would either invert numbers or just miss a step. I think I did this now while trying to lay out the whole dealio.

    If Person “A” spends 2 hours neglecting her regular duties that need to be done before the day ends. Person “A” will stay after business hours therefore adding time and money to her paycheck. So even though she does get paid for those 2 hours during business hours, the additional 2 hours are tacked on to her paycheck.

    She should be like me carefree and blogging during business hours since 2007!

    As for your second comment. G tonic is not my fave. I like Slow G as in Gin and orange juice better.

    Tracy:
    Me too I’ve always said pants but she said slacks so… I will still say sherbeRt. I can’t break the habit

    Chris:
    For you, tuition is on the house! ;o)

    jean knee:
    I say poinsettia. But you’re from Tessis. :o) Yeah the cutesy face sent me over the edge with rage. Over the edge. And Brian is talking about Gin.

    And Aiiiiiii wiiiillllll always say sherBert-er-er-ert

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  10. I don't know how you do it working with all those nuts! Just for her psychones you should make her cry today... Is that bad? I don't think so...

    I think older people say slacks...

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  11. oh good grief Bee.. it's Tex-is
    said slowly and maybe add a syllable- you need to get some drawl pointers from Big Tex

    I say poinsettia too although both ways are accepted


    do you think Brian is getting obsessed about gin now? every week it seems like he's trying out more booze

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  12. YAY! WE say share-bert together!
    :)

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  13. I say "Sure, Bert" but only when reading those stupid azz Sesame Street books out loud with my kids.

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  14. Milton sounds like my Grandma. They both think they're never wrong. My grandma called Mervyn's department store MERWYN's for years and got pissed if anyone tried to correct her.

    She calls our favorite tubing place in New Braunfels, Texas, "NEW BRONZE-FELD," which bugs me big time. There, I said it.

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  15. I love New Braunfels too, elastic. My mom says it that way too. I haven't been tubin since college.

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  16. Explain colonel.

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  17. wait. i think i finally get it. sherbet and sorbet rhyme.

    sher-bay and sor-bay.

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Ask me no questions and I’ll tell you no lies.