Friday, February 1, 2008

I am the eggman, I am the teaspoon! Cooca looca choo!

Day 32. -I recently read that love is entirely a matter of chemistry. That must be why my wife treats me like toxic waste.- David Bissonette

So...
Somebody sent me an e-mail sayin' they love me and want to be me and are envious of my relationship with my one and only Andy.
This question was asked: "do you guys ever really argue?"...
... ... ... ... ... ... ... ...
Of course we argue.

He and I come from two completely different backgrounds therefore have only our love of cheese in common. (Both edible and bad acting)

He was born with the stability of a 2 parent household.
I was born with the stability of a kick ass mom and instability of an absent father who liked the IDEA of children (as child labor*) but never wanted the responsibility of raising ONE much less 4 half monkeys and one awesome demigoddess (me).

.
Andy lived in the same house from about the time he was born till the day we got married.
I, on the other hand, have lived more places than a nomad tribe looking for greener pastures or hilly mountains or CASCADING water or whatever it was they looked for... I never really paid much attention in my history classes due to the fact I was too busy fixing my hair.


We were both the first born but he only has one sibling where I have the above referenced 4 half monkeys.

Strangely, one of the things we do have in common is that we were Jehovah’s Witnesses when we were younger.

Scary isn’t it? (Not that there’s anything wrong with being a JW, if that cult floats your boat it's fine by me) (I mean that in the most loving of ways and not disrespectful at all) (please send all complaints to my boss at seriouslywhogivesacrap@gmail.com) (do you realize I had to stop what I was doing so that I could grab that e-mail address and make it my own? who-gives-a-shit was taken. Sad.)

Anyway, the reason for that brief glimpse into our past is because we have two very different ideas of life and family.

When we first got married, he couldn't understand why I had to hang out with my monkey peeps all the time (they lived in the 2 downstairs flats) and why we needed to talk to each other everyday.

We don't argue about that anymore since he has now been absorbed into the Cor-clan but other petty little grievances have taken its place. See this post. Also please see this post.

For example, if I leave the fan on in the bathroom, it's my fault the temperature drops by 20 degrees in there.
The ginormous window has nothing -NOTHING- to do with it.

If he can't find his wallet, I must have stored it in the the worm holes FADKOG is afraid of because it's nowhere to be found.


If Mocha decides to bark her little head off at him for no other reason than its' 6 o'clock, it's somehow my fault because I control her mind and make her do my bidding while IN another room or asleep or while shopping for shoes and not even in the house.

One of the things that irritate me (and there are many) is the whole spooning thing.

You see, here is my theory. People like to spoon which is okay, whatever, nice bonding moment before you fall asleep.
HOWEVER!
He is a tablespoon and I am a teaspoon.
This makes the logistics of me being comfortable IMPOSSIBLE!
Please see picture below.


I wish I could bulk up the teaspoon cuz no way am I that skinny but I didn't have any bacon to build a little fatty suit (cuz I ate all the bacon so that I can add to my real life fatty suit).

As you will notice, we are not from the same set since we are not from the same species.

He is a Martian and I am the Goddess Venus.
Do you see how awkward it would be to spoon?


Sure, the Tablespoon has no issues but the wee little teaspoon wakes up all discombobulated!

Please join the "Free the Teaspoon Campaign"!
So yeah, long story short [snicker], we do argue but we have a sense of humor about our fights.

*True story but Brother Dan will probably get mad at me for posting it on the Interworld Wide Web


Please click for the Teaspoon!

18 comments:

  1. I am first!!! I haven't read your post! But I a, First!!!

    ReplyDelete
  2. HEEEEEEEY!

    I take offense to that! I am not a monkey! You have 3 monkey brothers and I am a queen! :)

    I vote to free the teaspoon!

    ReplyDelete
  3. After due consideration of all of the issues you raise, I am able to offer you the following useful advice:

    Don't eat cheese with a spoon.

    ReplyDelete
  4. Oh, and I forgot:

    I was FIRST this month.

    ReplyDelete
  5. I was OK with the whole spooning thing because my bf and I are both tablespoons, until he mentioned that I farted on him in my sleep... Like I have control over that.

    Now, I get freaked out everytime I think about the possiblity of farting on him while I am sleeping. I am like, "Oh yeah? Well you SNORE like there is a someone with a chainsaw in my bed."

    ReplyDelete
  6. There are FIVE of you?????
    I always have the utmost (is that how you spell that?) respect for anyone who has more children than I because, well, this is the most hard, wonderful, amazing, stressful, fun job I've ever had.
    If you don't mind my asking, are you still a JW now?
    I'm sorry about your father being the way he was. My dad was great and I love him but he was kind of the same way, minus the child labor. He was a "free spirit" as he called it and loved the idea of family and kids but couldn't stand to be tied down.
    But, on the bright side, it appears that we both turned out ok. Right? We're ok right?

    ReplyDelete
  7. Does Andy's wallet typically have money in it? Because if it does, I will talk myself off the ledge of my wormhole fear and go in to retrieve it. Then I will pretend to be all "Wha? Huh? Moneeee? Mawnee? What is it you'r saying?" when he inquires to his Benjamins. I will also shrug my shoulders and maybe cup my hands around my ears, too, to really sell it.

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  8. I'm suddenly hungry for walrus fritters, mmmm

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  9. Martha stewart, asswipe hostessFebruary 1, 2008 at 10:06 AM

    Teaspoons and tablespoons should never touch. That is not propet table setting.

    ReplyDelete
  10. SNOW DAY!!!
    Did you miss me? I think this post was borderline TMI anybody else agree with me? Oh and HAHAHAHA!!!!! TEASPOON!! BACON!! FUNNY SHIT!!

    ReplyDelete
  11. child labor ?
    Nothing wrong with Andy wanting to be close to B-Butt so I vote no on your freedom.
    Serge IS a Monkey.
    Dan

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  12. BD I was just asking Bee bout you the other day--she said you've been busy interning. how,... uh..nice?

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  13. I used to spoon with someone who dreamed a lot. Lots of restless nights....

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  14. YAY! That was my e-mail right? I guess it's always for the best to take everything in life with a pinch of humor. Even marriage!
    Joan

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  15. What did you tell Dan when you were taking strange pictures of spoons?

    And wormholes are no joking matter- I'm terrified of them too! I swear, I have some wormhole full of several books, sets of keys, glasses, a cell phone, coupons, and various other bits and bobs I can't find anywhere in my house.

    Any one who spoons with me will get the crap kicked out of them- I kick, flail, and shout in my sleep. Nothing boring (or comfortable) about that.

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  16. Thanks for the visuals. I support you on your Teaspoon campaign.
    Where do I make a donation?

    ReplyDelete
  17. NCS is little like you, Bee
    but I don't know about her DH

    ReplyDelete

Ask me no questions and I’ll tell you no lies.