Who had an awesome time on vacation? I did! I did! And probably Andy.

So, as you all know, my Long Lost Friend came for a visit. We picked her up at O'Hare and of course Andy slept while we waited.

She brought her two adorable little kids who were perfect little guests.

We only had 3 full days to take advantage of the awesomeness that is Chicago so we tried to pack in as much fun as we could. Lucky for us, the weather (and Andy) behaved.

On Saturday we hit one of my favorite spots, The Chicago Botanic Gardens.

What? You think that just because I go there every weekend I’m lame and therefore should have taken her somewhere else? Hey man! I also gave her a tour of the Jiffy Lube where my car gets its oil changed, Citgo where my car gets gas and Arkham Asylum where I get my oil changed and get gas so I think her sightseeing experience was all it could be and more! Maybe.

On Sunday we went to the Lincoln Park Zoo and Oz Park (where Andy and I watched her 2 year old son while she took her 11 year old daughter in search of a flushable potty and then her son almost gave me a heart attack because I thought he had escaped the play area via THE WIDE OPEN GATE ON THE OPOSITE END so then Andy and I had to remain as sentries at the 2 entrances until his mommy came back)(don't worry, he has no idea I aged 20 years). The zoo was pretty cool, no polar bears though which was a little disappointing. Here, I took some pictures of gorillas for you guys:

(what the hell are those rhinos doing in the Gorilla cage??)

It's like you were there, right?

On our way back home, we drove by Big Willy, formerly known as The Sears Tower, and other landmark skyscrapers all up close and personal-like. My city is truly magnifico!

We then had a little bonfire that night and reminisced about old times. As I told you yesterday, I was attacked by a swarm of spiders (spiders swarm too, right?) when I went to get some firewood. Very ouchie.

On Monday we went to the Shedd Aquarium but before going in, we took a water taxi to Navy Pier. I wish we would have done it in reverse because the Shedd closes at 6 so we didn’t have a chance to enjoy much of the Pier before having to make our way back. Still, it was a nice little view of the Chicago Skyline.

I had to stop Andy from jumping overboard. He was saying he wanted to play with the dolphins. I had to remind him they’re in Miami.

On our way to dinner, we stopped outside of Harpo Studios because my LLF is a huge Oprah fan. Unfortunately, there were no Oprah sightings. Not even at the nearest Dunkin Donuts... kidding.

To conclude our visit, on Tuesday we went to a water park near my home before they were scheduled to leave for the airport. Andy didn’t join us though because he didn’t want to see all those hot women in bikinis. A model husband is what he is. His compliments to me this weekend were as follows:

“ooh! That sunburn is looking purple! Is that normal?” –No, I would say purple skin tone is borderline 3rd degree burns.

“You know what the problem is, you sit weird so your shirt gaps at an angle. That’s why your sunburn isn’t symmetrical” – So should I have just gone around flashing innocent bystanders?

“Your face is all shiney.” – It’s called sweat, dear.

Anyway, I have to admit I thought our reunion might be a little awkward but it wasn’t at all. It was almost as if our lack of contact was only the length of one summer. She had some great memories of our childhood/early teen years and was able to fill in some memory gaps I had. We were also able to catch up on our current ventures, she has 2 kids a husband, is a teacher of school teachers, I have 2 dogs, an Andy, nutter coworkers and no life.

I'm glad she contacted me and we were able resume our friendship. I hope she enjoyed her visit and I thank her because it allowed Andy and I to enjoy Chicago again so we felt like we went somewhere too.

I did subject her to an interview which I will post next week but for now, this is a picture of a crackhead rhino-turtle. Can you see the turtle, little Jimmy?

Announcement!

Our Sunday Comic comes back this Sunday with the conclusion of "Bee n' Andy: Married and sometimes, still in love..."- Last resort babysitters.

Thank you and please come again!

Brian’s fear of spiders is justified plus stuffing my drawers.

So, did you miss me? Maybe you didn’t even notice I was gone? Niiiice thanks a lot people!

Anyway, more on my vacation later.

Andy holding Big Willy formerly known as The Sears Tower:

Today I’d like to say that I am now on the “Spiders-are-evil-emissaries-of-death!” bandwagon.

My Long Lost Friend and I were enjoying a nice little bonfire on Sunday night. There was a nice breeze, it wasn't too cold or too warm, the memories were flowing- minus the booze...

When the fire started dying down, I got up and went to get some homemade firewood (homemade firewood is wood you grow yourself and then mother nature comes along and decides to rip your wood plants in half) that we had stacked near our fence. It was dark, I couldn’t see very well so I blindly sifted through the wood pile looking for some nice thick pieces.

In that small amount of time, I was apparently being scaled like Mount Everest by ninja spiders because I have about 7 large spider bites on my legs, toes and feet.

Since things in my life can’t ever be of the normal variety, these spider bites are currently bubbling up and a resembling the alps.I get hotter and hotter every day.

I really wish I was exaggerating.

For all you know, these paragraphs may be the last thing I write before foaming at the mouth and going into seizures that will have me biting off my head, or worse, buying a jumpsuit.

It’s funny because, after all the gardening I’ve done over the years, I have never been attacked by the spider militia. Mosquitos, bees, squirrels, angry parents, those I'm used to but not spiders.

Then I went on Bad Spider Bites and talk about scaring the ever lovin crap out of myself! ::shiver!::

Okay I'm going to change the subject now.

I returned to the Asylum today and everybody seemed super happy to see me. That was such a weird feeling. Kind of a cross between drinking warm cider and vinegar. Anyway, later in the day, I got a little hungry. I opened my drawer to pull out the bag of Cheetos I keep in case of emergencies imagine my surprise when it wasn't there.

I asked around but nobody admitted to ransacking my snack drawer. I went to Glynda and asked her too, just in case. Her response "Let me ask OZ. He sometimes snoops in people's drawers" she came back later with $2.

OZ ATE MY CHEETOS!

What kind of mean MOFO does that? Seriously! I can't leave for 2 days without people taking my stuff. I'm gonna load my drawers with tampons and douches... not that I have a problem, okay? I'm just thinking that'll keep him outta my drawers.

Well that's about it- OH YEAH! For those of you who follow So You Think You Can Dance, if freakin Kayla/Shayla/Layla whatever the hell her name is doesn't get booted off this week I am going to have a fit! She should have been gone last week but nobody can seem to see her clumsy flopping around the floor when she does her solos. I need to hurry up and finish my mind control machine.

Glass half full?

So I know I'm supposed to do reruns but then I read back on my shi-stuff and I'm too embarrassed to repost such lameness soooooooo...

We went to the zoo on Sunday whereupon we saw this sign.

The way I see it, there are 2 kinds of people. Those that think.

"Holy crap! I guess my sex life could be worse!"

or

"Dammit! Even hippos are having more fun than I am!"

 

Which are you?

Rerun numero UNO. "What I need is hazard pay for all the purple nurples!"

-original date, Monday, August 25, 2008

What I need is hazard pay for all the purple nurples!

So…
Glynda’s on vaca until Thursday, which is just as well since she and I had an issue over the brain dead assistant. Here is a brief synopsis: OZ wanted a report on what she had accomplished. I typed it up and left nothing out. HE went berserk and tore Glynda a new one, before my very eyes, for not firing her! More on her on Friday.

Anyway, she’s the only nurse on Mondays so Scarecrow needed help with an older patient who has Alzheimer’s.

I volunteered like so:
“Ask Milton. Oh, she's in the bathroom? Where’s Tin-Man? The hospital making rounds? Crap! Okay.”
She needed help putting him on the X-Ray table so I helped. Then she asked me to fix his pillow. So I did.
And do you know what that DIRTY OLD BASTARD DID???
.
He. Grabbed. My. Boobs!!!!

You know, the ones I took off the market when I married Andy? Those!

SWEET HOLY FAMILY!

I almost died of shock right there! Only I controlled myself because my tender pechugas would have landed on his face. That's okay, he thinks OZ charges a lot, wait till he gets MY bill!

So now we have to amend Bee’s Rules for patients.

1) I will not watch your kid if you’re coming in for an exam. You can lock him/her in one of our closets.

2) I will not take your co-pay. Wait for the receptionist to come back from her pee break since I can't handle the pressure of putting a 20 into an envelope.

3) I will not get you a cup off coffee (the fuck??). I’m not your servant. If you ask me for one, you will see mild mannered ME turn into Red Face Spittle Woman!

4) I will not give you a lollipop if you are over 18. (unless you are a really hot guy)(hey, these are my rules and I can make any exceptions I want!) I will ask for ID (if you're hot I might linger in the bushes outside of your house). Don't use the excuse of having bad breath either because you can always carry mints.

5) Do not talk to me while we are passing each other in the hallway. You are a patient therefore beneath me.
And the new added rule:

6) You cannot grab my boobs! No! Bad! No grabby boobies! No! (unless you are a really hot guy)
You can, however, ogle me from afar. Maybe bring me some presents. I wouldn’t object to that.
.
HEY! Watch your hands! You can't grab my butt either! (unless...)

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I want to thank Brian for scaring the ever lovin' CRAP out of me(!) by doing this post about my creepy stalker! Because of that I had to drink this very delicious pomegranate Mojito. Thanks Brian! I hope you're happy!

A dirty hole is nothing to be ashamed of.

I know I promised reruns but I had a quickie (not to brag or nuthin’) so I had to come over and share. I’m not really here. At this moment I'm probably sitting in a corner wondering where two curtain panels disappeared to. I blame the laundromat people because that is when I last saw them. Bastards.

I bought a shelving unit over the weekend (MADE IN THE USA baby!) to organize all the miscellaneous items in my life that I need to keep because I know I will use them at some point during my lifetime and because now that we shop at Costco, we have massive amounts of detergent, paper towels and enough toilet paper to survive The 40 Year Poop War I’m predicting.

Anyway, I got mad at Andy because he yelled at me for asking him to help me get it into the house. He said “Why do you need MY help if YOU yourself got it into the shopping cart and then into the car?? If you could do that, why wouldn’t you go that extra mile and get it in the house by yourself??” okay, so he didn’t say that exactly but I can read between the lines!

I had interrupted an important rescue-mission/battle/nut-gathering thing, you see and we all know this is likened to an act of treason! I calmly asked him why he couldn’t just tell me he’d get it after he conquered a new world instead of being an unreasonable butthead. He argues that I always want everything NOW NOW NOW! He said it in a manner that implied that was a bad thing.

Of course now I was angry so I decided to build the Shelving Unit of Discord myself. Who needs a man? Not this semi intelligent semi fashionable semi hungry chick! I have my own tools! (I bought them on sale because they came in a cute little black and red case.) (I got a set for my mom too.)

I was disappointed to learn I only needed a hammer.

I struggled with the damn Shelving Unit of Discord for 3 hours. At one point Andy came out of the dungeon, he must have left someone he trusted in charge of the safety of the galaxy, and he brought me a long screw driver so that I may “clean up the holes because it’ll be easier”. I don’t know if you know this about me but when I’m pissed I’m poisonous. I told him to go away before I cleaned up his hole and he said something about my mouth hole and went back to the important task of saving the Earth or you know, its ugly brother, Fantasy-troll-land.

Back to me.

I swore, I sweated, I sliced my delicate hands with the sharp edges so I swore some more but louder and with more feeling so that the neighbors would know without a doubt how much my soul was suffering. In the end I was proud at what I had accomplished. I had a nice, sturdy, shelving unit that could hold the weight of 4 miniature ponies juggling bowling balls.

I liked it so much I wanted another one. Trying to exit the doghouse, Andy offered to pick one up on his way home from work. He had it put together in 10 minutes TEN MINUTES!! He didn’t gloat though because he was happy to be back on my good side and he also knew I wouldn’t share the dinner my poor, sliced up hands made (pasta shells in Alfredo sauce with broccoli and lemon pepper chicken) if he so much as uttered a single little ‘I told you so’.

(can also be converted into 2 separate 2 shelf units which is what I did)

Now you’re probably thinking that Andy is a master craftsman and I should have left the building of things to a MAN but I’d have to hit you over the head with a led pipe and disagree. You see, when I moved MY shelving unit, I did so easily without having pieces fall apart in my sliced up little hands. Andy’s, however, came apart easily because you could only lift it, awkwardly may I add, from the bars holding the shelves and not the shelves themselves.

The difference? My shelves were forced into their slot holes by a woman determined to fit a half inch bracket into a ¼ inch hole but Andy “cleaned up the holes” so the shelves were all loose and wiggly (loose and wiggly- your nickname in High School?).

Woman 1,452,151 Man -7,487,778

(don’t do the math, Brian)(I typed in ‘don’t do the mEth, Brian’ but the top half of my eagle eye caught the error but I still think it’s good advice. Do not do the math OR the meth, Brian!)

The moral of the story?

Sometimes it’s okay to have a dirty hole.

P.S.

Brother Dan finally posted and he says he did so to take up my slack which I thought was nice of him and then I remembered he owed because he hates my dogs. He knows what I mean.

Anyone can be replaced by a monkey. Except maybe Yoda.

I looked at my calendar today and realized it was the 20th of July. I mean, I knew it was July TWENTY but it really hit me this morning that more than half of July- half the year - has gone. I feel like checking under the bed to see if I misplaced some days under there. Maybe the dust bunnies are holding them hostage.

While I’m sad to see July making its way out of my life, I’m also excited because my Long Lost Friend and her two kids are coming to visit the city with the best pizza in the world! (Speaking of pizzas!!!! Okay, that picture I posted the other day caused a bit of controversy. No, not really but now I feel the need to explain. That was a traditional Chi-KAW-goh-style deep dish pizza for Pete's sake! It is all kinds of yummy. The top layer is sauce but once you cut into it, it’s all cheese baby! I was angry at you guys for mocking the perfection of that pizza but now I’m just sad because you have not had the mouth watering pleasure of tasting this yumm-o-licious creation.)

Back to my friend's visit.

They arrive late Friday night and I have 4 full days of planned fun. As a matter of fact, I have an itinerary which shows everything I’ve scheduled- sight seeing attractions, meals, snacks, bathroom breaks… the entire 4 days planned out! I’m sure my LLF will think this is odd behavior but I see it more as prepared spontaneity.

Anyway, I have done a lot to prepare for her trip: Mocha haircut CHECK- Tazz haircut CHECK- Andy haircut… (hmmm hopefully I’ll be able to say CHECK by Friday), swept under the fridge, removed dead fish from fish tank (now we have zero fish thank you very much!), dusted Andy’s dolls-I mean Action Figures, de-cluttered my computer cart so there are no visible clues on how my mind works or in legalese/law dog speak “incriminating evidence”.

She will be staying in my mom’s guest room since mine has an Andy, a computer, comic books, some dogs and the ghost of dead fishes (fishi?) but no bed. Besides there is a reason why I call it the dungeon.  ::shiver::

Unfortunately, I still have about a million and one things to do before her arrival. Some touch up painting, back porch relocation, kitchen cabinet reorganization etc. Andy said I’m going overboard since nobody looks in kitchen cabinets but then I told him I’d like to know where my stuff is in case I need to cook a soufflé or lets get real here, make a grilled cheese sandwich.

My house used to be more organized but then I discovered this thing called blogging and pretty much everything else went into the procrastination bin. Now I have to make a conscious effort to schedule time to clean. That means that I have to tell myself not to turn on my computer or check my phone.

To make a long story less interesting, I will be taking a mini vacation from blogland. Hey! I saw that ‘who cares’ shrug! After all the love affection blood/sweat/tears  casual acquaintanceship I’ve given you over the years, your blasé attitude cuts me deep!

To those of you who groaned wondering what you will be doing for the next few days, you don’t have to worry because I will be rewarding you by doing a "Bee’s Musings Marathon of reruns" Yay!!!

I have scheduled some posts to pop up when you least expect them, 2:57 a.m.? Maybe. I’m not saying these are my greatest hits because the majority of the reruns will be about other people. We all know this blog is not about me but those who are lucky enough to share the planet with someone as cool as me.

So carry on with your lives, have some coronas and I’ll be back before you know it. But not anytime soon. Maybe like Thursday of next week which would make it day of the lord uh late July something. Hold on... July 30th yeah that sounds about right.

 

 

Oh yeah. I also want to thank Walmart for only charging $4 for my blood pressure meds as opposed to the $35 that Walgreen's charges. Unfortunately it took TWO HOURS to get my prescription filled and they didn't even give me the other pill I needed because my doctor writes the same as a new born would if they gave it access to its poop and let it finger paint on a blanket.

I thought I did great in maintaining my shit while I waited and waited AND WAITED. Sadly, I did feel my blood pressure rising so I think it would have been funny if I would have keeled over in the pharmacy. Well, not funny "hahaha" more like funny "you fucking bastards made my head explode so now you have to clean up the mess that is my goopy brains!" kind of funny.

Also, it's like 2:00ish right now so I may be a little out of my mind with tiredness. I decided to just let myself tire out naturally instead of tossing and turning in the tiny space Andy allows me to sleep in.

YAWWWWN! Alrighty, I'm tired now so I'm turning my blog off--

General Wonderings + No Comic Sunday.

So, no comic today since Andy was busy doing Andy things. Something about picking up dog poop, mowing lawns and wishing on stars. Instead you guys are stuck with me and my well erm musings.

My mom left for Mexico on Thursday. As usual she left us to fend for ourselves. I guess it's no surprise to anyone that we suck at it. Andy wanted milk but we have no drinkable milk. He noticed that the one in our fridge was a expired but he didn't throw it out. I'm wondering why.

To those of you who doubt my Milton stories and think she may be a figment of my imagination, I have proof of her obsessive compulsiveness. That container on the floor next to the garbage can is a cake container she fished out of the dumpster. The dumpster that is outside of the building. In the parking lot!

Milton, saving the Earth one bacteria infested container at a time.

 

Found this event in the newspaper:

Anyone up for a Cornhole tournament?

 

I saw this truck when we were at the bank. I have no idea why there's a need for that pile of sand(?).  Is it holding the lid of that thingamajig down? Wouldn't it scatter in the wind once the dude went faster than 20 mph? It just looks like a giant took a dump.

 

Tazz on his way to the groomer. He was high, because he needs to be tranqd so he doesn't make snacks of people's limbs, so he kept shaking his head all psychotic-like. He still hasn't come out of his daze.

 

My sister, Natalia and I went out for a girl's night out of sundaes and bookstores and this was what the sky looked like at 9pm. It looked awesome! And now you're jealous because my sky is cooler than your sky.

 

Andy just told me people tell him he looks like Ethan Hawke. I haven't decided how I feel about that.

On the one hand:

On the other hand:

... There was supposed to be a good looking picture of Ethan Hawke here but I couldn't find one...

And now I leave you with a picture of the perfect pizza:

Passive aggressiveness is the new assh*le.

I don’t know what it is about people lately but they are acting like insulted housewives! Oops. Was that not PC?

You know how some wives, I know not all of them so save the hate mail, will be mad at their husbands but they don’t tell them why so they resort to the “if you don’t know why I’m upset, I’m not telling you!”? I’ve never understood this behavior since I pretty much always tell Andy exactly why I’m pissed off. I let him know in great detail which of his actions have infuriated me. I even make a little graph so that there are absolutely no misunderstandings. I don’t walk around the house sulking and waiting for him to get a clue.

Anyway, this isn’t about Andy THIS TIME.

I’m getting my fill this week with people making it known they’re mad at me but not having the balls to tell me why. Did I not ask you if you needed to go to the bathroom enough times? Did I say good morning too sharply? Did I insult you when I asked you to double check something because you’ve been known to fuck up on more than one occasion? Was it the fact that I did not want to answer anymore questions on the bracelet you found that must have been sitting in the storage area since 1978 making it impossible to be mine because at that time I was 6 and my mom wouldn’t let me cross the street by myself much less come to a different state, sneak into a medical building and unlock a storage space with my pinkie nails. Yes I know the writing on the bracelet is in “”MEXICAN”” and I don't know if those dried flowers inside are indigenous to Mexico because honestly, I’m pretty sure there are more than one of us who roam the earth.

Let me tell you something, and by ‘you’ I don’t mean YOU, unless you’re pissing me off too, it’s not ME it’s YOU. Can you please shut the fuck up and/or kiss my ass? Thanks.

Phew! That felt great! I’m still trying to figure out the right combination of meds that will keep my head from exploding but this rant did wonders!

Oh and P.S.
Don’t feel bad for Andy because he has a crazy wife. I tell him everyday how lucky he is not to have a high maintenance wife. He is 98% free to do whatever he wants whenever he wants without having to ask my permission. Ever.

The other 2% he spends by taking me to a movie every once in a while.*

How's that for passive aggressive?

If she bends over, you'll know what year she was born. Also, see a duck mooning the crowd.

We went to the Laundromat again on Monday. I think we all know how much I detest that place. Every time we go, something happens that infuriates me!

This time it was a stupid washer that didn’t let me select any other cycle other than ‘woolens’. Normally I would have just taken my clothes out and found one that had its entire workable buttons but the ones that weren’t being used, had little out of orders signs. I decided to just leave it there, what could go wrong?

Well, it turns out that the soap compartment wasn’t working properly and so my clothes received the same cleaning my uncle Ricardo gave himself when he was 10 and he pretended to shower by wetting the top of his head but not bothering to remove the dirt stains from his face.

The options were to rewash them which would mean spending more time in the demon’s armpit or just dry them and call it a day. My uncle Ricardo would be proud.

Next up, a lady set her basket on my table. Some of you may remember the near nervous breakdown that caused the last time. This time I remained calm (as calm as a teeny tiny raft on a raging river), cool (as cool as a walrus in a sauna) and collected (as collected as the hippo stamp)(I don’t know what that means either but I couldn’t come up with anything anti-collected). I decided not to say anything until it was time for me to use the table. When her husband went to move the basket without me having to say anything, I heard her say “leave the basket there”

It. Was. ON!

Unfortunately, she left the L’mat (that's what we cool non washer having people call it) to have dinner while her clothes were in the wash so she didn’t see me grab her basket and throw it on a washer. I told Andy “Don’t worry babe. If she comes in here and says something, I’ll take her outside!” but my Andy, being the kind hearted person he is said “uh Bee? She and her husband are both bigger than we are…” so I told my man he could wait in the car while I took care of them both.

I really thought she'd say something when she came back because she was also a Latina and I know I would have said something but she didn’t. She must be one of those higher plane people with normal blood pressure I keep hearing about.

Things at work are a little better since OZ is on vacation yet again. Boy, the economy hasn’t hit that dude one bit! Anyway, he still has peculiar requests when he calls. His most recent one was odd even for him. He wants me to Google ‘why we should send a refund to an insurance company’. When I asked if I may just CALL the insurance company themselves and ask them directly why they’re requesting the refund:

“No! JUST GOOGLE IT! I want a full report when I come back on Monday!”

Um okay? While I have my googler out I will also ask “why does my boss think google is a magic 8 ball?”

That man cracks me up. He cracks me up like a baseball bat to the head cracks me up.

We took my mom and Natalia to the Botanic Gardens on Sunday and while Natalia, my mom and Andy tanned, the sun left its mark on my scalp, chest, arms and feet the way a soccer ball did to my thighs when I tried to stop a goal (what a fun memory! The imprint of a half moon on each thigh was an awesome thing to explain to people). I remember being able to tan just by standing near a window now I have to cover up like I’m 106.

I love going to the gardens. I was happy to see that a lot of the plants/flowers they planted are the same ones I’m trying to encourage to grow in my garden. Sadly, mine got too much water earlier this year so they’re struggling but I’m hoping they come back healthier next year.

Of course, plants aren’t the only things you see at the botanic gardens.

There was also a woman in a sheer maxi-mini dress in 5 inch platform stripper shoes. I didn’t take a picture of her, even though I could have, because I worry about the content I put on this here blog. I certainly do not want to corrupt/offend anyone with delicate sensibilities so instead I drew a picture of her.

censored for your protection.

Yeah I know! Ewwwww!

So anyway, later alligators.

Out of context

“I think I just parked over a chicken bone”

“ Bee: I can smell through my mouth.

Andy: YOU should donate your body to science! ”

“Two-ply don’t bother me. Two-ply don’t bother me”

“The sun is blinding me so right now I'm just driving by memory of the road.”

“Nutter butter sounds like another name for Fromunda cheese”

“I wonder how big her hole is”

“I seriously doubt all the letters make an appearance in alphabet soup”

“My head isn’t a toy, Andy!”

“That lady looks like an orange”

“My need for crushing heads is equal to your need for correcting me.”

“Well then I guess I’ll have to type while dripping mango juice!”

“Bah! One potato won’t kill me! It would take at least 10 to take me down!”

“Yes. Yes. She is tall and skinny but wearing only a tank top and stripper shoes benefits nobody, right Andy? Andy? ANDY!!”

“When a wife beats up her husband because of *errant eyes* nobody wins. Except maybe the wife because she gets that nice afterglow.”

Okay, those last two were not so much out of context as they were telling a true tale of jealousy and mayhem.

be back tomorrow with a *real* post.

"Bee n' Andy: Married and sometimes, still in love..."- Last resort babysitters.

TO BE CONTINUED!

♪♫ TAHN -TAHN -TAHN! ♪♫

Thanks to Meleah Rebeccah for making me aware of the cool Comic program that is making posting our Sunday Funnies so much easier!

How you doin'? + How well do you know me?

Okay you guys, I'm kind of crabby today because Tazz woke me up at 5:45 which means I only got 5 hours of sleep, I have my 1,000th doctor's appointment this year this morning (and I'm tired of them!), it's rainy and soggy outside, my plants/flowers have mold because of all of the rain, I burned my eggos, I can't have coffee until after the doc appointment (blood pressure readings are still too high but I'll be damned if I give up my coffee), I have 13 zillion mosquito bites and only 2 hands to scratch them with, Andy won't stop with the baby talk when he talks to Mocha (what is he doing up anyway? It's too early!)(did I mention no coffee?), ETCETERA!

To cheer myself up, I am posting this "How well do you know Bee" quiz I had posted on facebook. Please leave your answers in the comments. I also know it's Saturday and very few people are sitting at home on their computers this weekend so I don't expect too many people to take the quiz but I hope those that stop by give it a try. I don't think a single person will get 100%. Not even Andy. Which, by the way, is asking me too many questions too early in the morning! "What are you typing, Bee?" "Did you take the dogs out, Bee?" "What time are we leaving, Bee?" "Blah blah blah blah, Bee?" "Why are you being so moody, Bee?"

I don't care how much my blood pressure rises, I am not giving up coffee OR Andy! We look like vampires.(don't ask)

1)
What color suits me best?

a)
Red

b)
Doomsday Black

c)
Multicolored Polka Dots

d)
Orange Sherbert

e)
Green limekini

2)
What time am I usually in bed by?

a)
Too late midnight

b)
Andy the warden 10:30

c)
Old lady 9pm

d)
I don't sleep

e)
Purple

3)
What am I scared of?

a)
My boss (yeah, right!)

b)
The bats I work with (nope)

c)
Babies with guns

d)
Homer Simpson

e)
The color pink

4)
My favorite drink is ________.

a)
Blood

b)
The color purple

c)
Ice cream

d)
poodles

e)
Vanilla coke

5)
Who is my favorite Disney character?

a)
Grumpy

b)
Stumpy

c)
Ben dover

d)
Sugar

e)
Cinderella

Well shiver me timbers and blow me down! (That Popeye was such a perv!)

Sometimes things happen that make you wonder how you'll be able to find an ounce of humor in that specific situation.

You sit at your desk and you cock your head to the side thinking “well, maybe this is one of those ‘life lessons everyone is always blathering on about” then you shift in your chair because the slight unevenness of the floor is making you lopsided and you really need to brood over the recent events. Being distracted by one butt cheek being higher than the other is unacceptable.

After you adjust your sitting position and have a sip of your water, which is now lukewarm because you were too distracted to drink it before, you go back to wondering about life’s injustices.

“Maybe I did something horrible and Karma wanted me to repent for my behavior towards my fellow men/women?”

“Maybe I shouldn’t have added those few drops of dish washing soap in the office toilet bowl just to see what fun would ensue?” (All I have to say is BWAHAHAHAHA!!!)

“Maybe I should take Milton seriously when she tells me she tip-toes throw muddy spots when she’s walking to work so as not to create back-splash that will ruin her pants, you know, instead of laughing my ass off?”

“Maybe I shouldn’t have sent a picture of someone I know to my friends and family saying ‘If Pedro from Napoleon Dynamite and Napoleon’s uncle had a baby he would look just like this guy!’?”

“Maybe I should have let my Andy have that last slice of pizza?”

As these things are forming tiny thought bubbles over your head, you realize you have to shift again because the chair has rolled ever so slightly to the divot on the left.

You sadly re-examine your life and wonder if it is finally time for you to change your ways. Yep. Karma is telling you that you must look within/into/onto/over yourself because your evil ways will no longer be tolerated and you will suffer all sorts of repercussions for your actions!

After all, what other rational explanation could there be for your mom having an iPhone before you do?

(That contraption is a tortilla maker because my mom rocks!)

And to top it off, you call your spouse and give him the opportunity to be a part of your one person pity party and instead he... or SHE asks how much money you have saved from your allowance to buy your own and when you say $60 they laugh in your ear and suggest you look into toe waxing as a part time job then bites your head off because you’re bothering him eh or HER at work. Granted you’ve done the same to him-her but it’s cute when you do it. His refusal to provide at least an ounce of sympathy has you planning how to best hurt him er, you know, HER when they get home. Then you stop your thoughts in their tracks because you realize this is how your bad karma begins! So really it’s not your fault because there is obviously no way you can control people provoking you into being bad.

Damn you karma and your tunnel vision!!

... ... What were we talking about?

Anyway, here are a couple of pictures of my hair. The pictures do not do the color justice.

Please excuse my puffy face. It was early in the morning, salt, water retention, hangover, you know.

The color this time around is more burgundy than red which is awesome!

This weekend, I learned my family thinks I'm mentally incapable of doing things on my own and also, nuns can seem to sense the evil in me. Nuns and babies.

Last Friday I went to the same stylist who gave me the red highlights last year and had him do them again. This time I went alone since Crazy Ez had gone the day before. I didn’t remember exactly where the place was but the directions didn’t look too complicated so I embarked on my voyage with a falalala in my heart and mapquest on my lap.

The day before my adventure, my mom had said she would come with me, when I told her the process took 3-4 hours she gulped and hesitated. I told her she didn’t have to come with and then she said she didn’t feel right letting me go by myself.

Me:
Uh, mom? I am 36 years old. In the eyes of the law, I can venture out without an adult.  

Mom:
I know but I’d feel guilty not knowing if you were okay.

Me:
You and Nancy travel all over the place by yourselves! Why is it a big deal for me to go somewhere on my own?

Mom:
I don’t know, it just is.

Then Andy.

Andy:
Your mom isn’t going with you? You are going alone? BY YOURSELF?

Bee:
Cheese n crackers people! I was walking home from work alone, late at night, in the mean streets of Chicago before any of you even knew what danger was! Driving to a suburb in broad freakin daylight should not be a problem!

Apparently my family gets nervous when I'm left to my own devices. They had me feeling like the mentally ill family member who can't be trusted with scissors because I would probably find a trampoline and jump around until I stabbed my neck. That is insulting beyond description. Sure it took me about ten loop-dee-loops to find the place and I kept passing it up but at least I got there! It was kinda funny because I had my sister and Big Tex on the phone looking up my location and I decided to pull into a strip mall to wait for further instructions when I noticed the big sign for the Beauty Shop. I stumbled upon the joint all accidental-like.

My hair looks awesome by the way.

That same day, over dinner, my mom shared another missing puzzle piece.

When I was 15 and UNRULY (according to my mom but I think she just needed to have a beer every once in a while to mellow out), my mom and godmother decided it would be a good idea to send me off to a boarding school convent thing (to exorcise the demons within I assume). My godmother, being an ex-nun (who SUPPOSEDLY married a Fitzgerald as in John Fitzgerald Kennedy Fitzgeralds -whatever, I didn’t believe it either), pulled some strings to get me an interview in this very prestigious boarding school in Guadalajara Mexico.

I don’t remember much of the interview with THE NUNS (other than they being all frowny faced) but after it was done, they sent me out of the room and spoke to my mom and godmother alone. That place gave me the heebie jeebies! It was dark and creepy and all I could think of was finding a way to escape.

We left shortly after and I never returned. I assumed my mom had been appalled by the prison-like facility and changed her mind but the reality was different. It seems the nuns said “No thank you!” to yours truly and I didn’t find out until this weekend. I asked my mom why she hadn’t shared this information earlier and she said she hadn’t wanted to upset me. I then asked her if she was aware I had a blog and that this juicy information was like gold!

It seems the nuns feared my American-nes and thought I might disrupt the rest of their students and maybe bring unholy ideas into their sanctuary. Some may look at this as a rejection but I think this just solidifies my badass status.

My mom still enrolled me in a regular catholic school though not that it helped much but that is a story for another day.

First the mail makes me giggle then it kicks me in the nuts!

So I was going through my mail and found a catalog I've never gotten before. The clothes were more for women in their late teens early twenties but I was browsing through it anyway when I came across this gem:

I just want to ask why? They're called harem pants but maybe a better name would be "chastity pants". They remind me of something but I can't quite put my finger on it...

Okay, so after I had my giggle, I found this piece of offending mail.

Ummmm, I have never lied about my age but I'm thinking that if I ever start, it will be to take some years off instead of adding them. And also, when (I hope) I turn 40, I will be acting the same way I do now which is basically ageless with a hint of immature. Bastards.

Just to clarify.

Andy’s awesome gift of tweeze came a couple of weeks after the gruesome one hair discovery. We had the idea for the comic ready but he then became too busy to draw it until this week. When the piece of metal lodged in his eye, I already had them which is why I was stunned when he asked if they were rubber tipped. I wanted to respond “did you buy rubber tipped tweezers? um no!” but I figured it would only make Captain Unreasonable angrier.

To answer Brian’s question about my computer cart, it is still alive and kicking and it has not been broken in a fit of rage which is what I think he assumes happened to it. The Christmas after Andy gave me my laptop, my MIL gave me a lap thingie for when I wanted to sit on the sofa and type maniacally (try it, it’s fun) while watching TV.

In other news.

I took myself off the Mirapex. I was so fucked up on Saturday that my guard was down and therefore Andy scored about 20 zingers to my 1.5 (.5 because I started strong on one and then fizzled at the end).

That sucked.

I had to resort to such classics as "oh yeah? well you're a chicken fajita head!" Lame.

Larissa said she takes it and is okey dokey but I wish I would have hired a camera crew to follow me around on Saturday because I was like a female Ozzy Osbourne stumbling and stammering about the place and arguing with light poles (I won every argument in case you're wondering)(no headbutts involved). I finally had 3 cups of coffee which seemed to snap my brain back to its rightful place and end Andy’s reign of zingers but I can never take back his victory dance.

Well, that's about all for today.

Oh yeah, somebody tell Erik Estrada to shut the hell up!

"Bee n' Andy: Married and sometimes, still in love..."-It's the thought that counts?

Yup! He gave me tweezers for the one tiny hair above my lip. You gals can't have him! He's all mine!

Also, I would never wear a striped shirt and when I told Andy that he said he didn't know how to dress Comic Bee and I asked "how about the regular clothes I wear? Like the shirt I'm wearing now" and he said "that's too plain". That's all I needed, my fashion to be critiqued by an electrician.

 

More: "Bee n' Andy: Married and sometimes, still in love..."

So… my hallucinations.

Wednesday night I took the Mirapex for the first time. The instructions were to take one pill 45 minutes to an hour before bed. I took it at 10pm figuring that by the time I went to bed, the devil within would be tamed or at least high.

I started getting groggy at about 10:30 and could barely form a coherent thought much less say anything that didn’t come out all slurred. My head hit the pillow and BAM! I was in the arms of some random hot actor, I’m not really picky nowadays, within seconds.

Fast forward about 4 hours and I wake up to the smell of skunk. Not unusual in our area and since our windows are open, the smell is totally believable. Until Andy wakes up and I say “effin skunk!” and he’s all “what?”

Bee:
There must be a skunk outside cuz it reeks!

Andy:
Are you dreaming? It doesn’t smell like skunk!

Bee:

Yes it does.

Andy:

No, babe, it doesn't.

Bee:
Holy Moses!! Am I hallucinating?

I’m serious you guys! I had to get up and walk around until I no longer could smell the ""skunk"". I went back to bed but then I started freaking myself out by wondering if I was hallucinating so I couldn't go back to sleep right away. When I finally did fall asleep, I dreamt I was hallucinating having imaginary arguments with Milton and my brother Dan and in my dream I was telling myself they were not really in front of me! Scary shit right there. I can’t have anything else messing with my mind since I’m already halfway to batville without hallucinogens.

Before you go out and get your own personal stash of Mirapex, I have to warn you that the hangover is a bitch. I woke up with dry mouth and a headache. I also went all of Thursday typing with my eyes closed because I was so drowsy and only opening them to proofread at the end.

When I got home from work Thursday, I swear everything I said to Andy went like this:

"Mofracka dinnnnt e" translation= "Mocha didn't eat"

"Pfsuhgakjkss jknsh akhuhngtyskk lskhuhshgshsh" translation= "Ouch"

I only took it that once and I'm gonna take one again tonight so it'll be interesting to see what the side effects will be this time, if any. We're going to my brother's house for a BBQ on Saturday so my brain needs to be on its A-game. Siblings sense weakness and attack.

Happy Fourth

of July!!!

Ahhhh! El amor is forgiving, yes? Also Karma comes a-knockin'!

What is that thing people do when they may have gone over the top and mocked someone a lil bit too much because in reality the person they mocked on the previous post had a rusted piece of metal in their cornea that split into two pieces and they had to anesthetize the eye to remove it then scrape off the rust ring it left behind so I guess that person wasn't being a drama queen and was in fact in a lot of pain??

I'm not sure what the protocol is. Do I send muffins? Nah!

Instead, I gave my Andy the only thing I could find that resembled rubber tipped tweezers.

After he went to see Dr. Grim, Optometrists to the stars, he was told he had a piece of metal embedded in his cornea and it was leaving a rust ring. Dr. Grim told him it needed to be taken out by an Ophthalmologist (which I had suggested that morning but Captain Unreasonable had poo-poo’d the idea).

Once Andy called me, I hustled butt to get him in somewhere before 5 and pulled some strings (read begged and pleaded) with some cornea specialist in our area had to drop OZ's name but you know, perks.

The cornea dude had to scrape off the rust ring it left behind which ewwww! But! The good news is that now I may call Andy “Rusty” and he can’t get mad. Also, if he makes any more old jokes, he’s 4 years younger than I am, I can always say “at least I’m not the one who squeaks when they blink” “is that your rust or are you just happy to see me?” or “pardon me, I couldn’t hear you because of all the rust in your eye”. The possibilities are endless!

Hmmm it doesn’t seem like my apology is going as planned. Oh well! You can’t say I didn’t try. (No you can’t!)

Okay, as payback for my incorrigible behavior (catholic school tried), I went to a neurologist today because I’ve been having too many issues with the old bod’ and the diagnosis my regular doctor (and even the orhto to a certain extent) aren’t jiving. Nothing serious so don’t go buying a black dress but I wanted to know what’s up. I gave him my symptoms and he said maybe peripheral neuropathy (I would need an MRI and EMG -which just the thought of an EMG makes me poop my pants- to be sure) but he first wants to rule out restless leg syndrome (I said to the doctor "But my legs don't flap around violently like I'm trying to be the next Michael Flatley!" the doctor looked at me with his one bulbous eye and one squinty eye and replied "That's not what RLS is" then he studied me in silence for a minute and I closed my left eye because it was watering) so he gave me Mirapex.

The same Mirapex I first mocked here.

MIRAPEX can cause serious side effects, including:

• falling asleep during normal daily activities like driving.

• low blood pressure when you sit or stand up quickly. You may have dizziness, nausea, fainting, or sweating. Sit and stand up slowly after you have been sitting or lying down for a while.
• hallucinations. You may see, hear, feel, or taste something that isn’t there. You have a higher chance of having hallucinations if you are over 65 years old.
• excessive gambling or sexual urges

Karma, no?

Anyway, if you see me driving while sleeping, playing blackjack and talking to no one whom I’m referring to as Brad Ryan Reynolds Pitt, just let me have my moment m'kay?