Tuesday, July 7, 2009

This weekend, I learned my family thinks I'm mentally incapable of doing things on my own and also, nuns can seem to sense the evil in me. Nuns and babies.

Last Friday I went to the same stylist who gave me the red highlights last year and had him do them again. This time I went alone since Crazy Ez had gone the day before. I didn’t remember exactly where the place was but the directions didn’t look too complicated so I embarked on my voyage with a falalala in my heart and mapquest on my lap.

The day before my adventure, my mom had said she would come with me, when I told her the process took 3-4 hours she gulped and hesitated. I told her she didn’t have to come with and then she said she didn’t feel right letting me go by myself.

Uh, mom? I am 36 years old. In the eyes of the law, I can venture out without an adult.  

I know but I’d feel guilty not knowing if you were okay.

You and Nancy travel all over the place by yourselves! Why is it a big deal for me to go somewhere on my own?

I don’t know, it just is.

Then Andy.

Your mom isn’t going with you? You are going alone? BY YOURSELF?

Cheese n crackers people! I was walking home from work alone, late at night, in the mean streets of Chicago before any of you even knew what danger was! Driving to a suburb in broad freakin daylight should not be a problem!

Apparently my family gets nervous when I'm left to my own devices. They had me feeling like the mentally ill family member who can't be trusted with scissors because I would probably find a trampoline and jump around until I stabbed my neck. That is insulting beyond description. Sure it took me about ten loop-dee-loops to find the place and I kept passing it up but at least I got there! It was kinda funny because I had my sister and Big Tex on the phone looking up my location and I decided to pull into a strip mall to wait for further instructions when I noticed the big sign for the Beauty Shop. I stumbled upon the joint all accidental-like.

My hair looks awesome by the way.

That same day, over dinner, my mom shared another missing puzzle piece.


When I was 15 and UNRULY (according to my mom but I think she just needed to have a beer every once in a while to mellow out), my mom and godmother decided it would be a good idea to send me off to a boarding school convent thing (to exorcise the demons within I assume). My godmother, being an ex-nun (who SUPPOSEDLY married a Fitzgerald as in John Fitzgerald Kennedy Fitzgeralds -whatever, I didn’t believe it either), pulled some strings to get me an interview in this very prestigious boarding school in Guadalajara Mexico.

I don’t remember much of the interview with THE NUNS (other than they being all frowny faced) but after it was done, they sent me out of the room and spoke to my mom and godmother alone. That place gave me the heebie jeebies! It was dark and creepy and all I could think of was finding a way to escape.

We left shortly after and I never returned. I assumed my mom had been appalled by the prison-like facility and changed her mind but the reality was different. It seems the nuns said “No thank you!” to yours truly and I didn’t find out until this weekend. I asked my mom why she hadn’t shared this information earlier and she said she hadn’t wanted to upset me. I then asked her if she was aware I had a blog and that this juicy information was like gold!

It seems the nuns feared my American-nes and thought I might disrupt the rest of their students and maybe bring unholy ideas into their sanctuary. Some may look at this as a rejection but I think this just solidifies my badass status.

My mom still enrolled me in a regular catholic school though not that it helped much but that is a story for another day.


  1. Why is that when I look for a picture of a nun I almost always get a slutty nun picture?

    Just throwing that question out to the universe.

  2. I'm glad you survived your ordeal. 3-4 hours is ridiculous for the (relatively!) small surface area of your head - it's possible to paint a whole room in that time!

    Those nuns made the right decision.

  3. I think parents in general are like that....they just choose random times to be concerned for your safety.

  4. I can't imagine a world with free-thinking nuns. That's what you would have done to them at that school.

    As for finding places, I sometimes have to loop around, even with a GPS. Oh well. I'm sure your hair looks great!

  5. "They had me feeling like the mentally ill family member who can't be trusted with scissors because I would probably find a trampoline and jump around until I stabbed my neck."

    That Cracked Me Up!

  6. nuns and babies and household appliances

  7. Drew has an aunt who is a nun. she's pretty cool though.

    I'll have her look at your picture and see if she senses any disturbances in the force

  8. Bee, you are so hilarious. Oh and I treat my kids like that too. I guess I can't accept that they are grown up and mentally stable.

  9. nuns and babies and household appliances and store clerks

  10. You really can't call yourself a badass unless you've survived at least a year of schoolin' in a Catholic school taught by a uptight, frustrated nun clutching a ruler.

  11. OMG! You are the coolest. Too cool for the Nunnery!
    Nuns make me nervous.

  12. 3-4 hrs to get your hair did??? I would never go to the salon again unless my hairdresser provided booze and smokes

  13. nuns and babies and household appliances and store clerks and small dogs

  14. Ooh! I’d love to see pictures of your new ‘do!

    I go everywhere by myself. If anything people are shocked when I ask if they want to come along. I see my time away from my family as a mini vacation.

  15. Bee:
    As always a very good question.

    I love the way you insult me, all proper British-like.

    :o) I think it was the safety of those around me she was worried about.

    I have a horrible sense of direction.

    Meleah Rebeccah:

    Beau Homer:
    You mean she really isn’t scaurd?

    Nooter x3:
    I was waiting for you to mention small dogs. They see me coming and swallow their tails! :o)

    jean knee:
    Stand by with a fire extinguisher!

    Thank you for the compliment! :o)

    Yeah, my mom still stays up until we come home and she lives on a separate floor.

    Yep. Been there. The head priest was nothing to sneeze about either. Especially when he was drunk.

    Here’s a trick to deal with nuns. When you walk by them, hissssss. They’ll run… unless they’re carrying holy water.

    Booze! Why didn’t I think of that?? Okay it was only 10am but by the time I left it was 1:30 so I could have totally gotten wasted!

    I tried taking pictures but something got in the way. My face! ;o)

  16. I've never heard "prestigious" and "Guadalajara" mentioned together in the same sentence.

  17. Wow, those nuns were SO off-base with that call.

  18. Lord mercy! A nunery??
    I soooo remember your godmother...no offense, yet she always smelled like medicine to me?
    Oh and her shoes! I remember trying them on (those black ones with the really chunky heel) and they wouldnt fit (only half of my foot got into the shoe).
    Weird....yet I always fantasized about those darn black shoes.


Ask me no questions and I’ll tell you no lies.