Wednesday, August 6, 2008

And now for some Milton.

Milton and I had a falling out a few weeks back. She decided I turned 15 instead of 35 so in her opinion, I needed to learn a few lessons. Doesn’t matter what the argument was about, what matters is that she was wrong and I was right. Shocking, I know.

Today I took a payment from a patient. I almost never do that because I avoid all patients like I avoid babies covered in poo. I had no choice this time around since I was watching the front desk while CL emptied her bladder.

The patient gave me his $20 co-pay, I slipped it into the designated plastic envelope they keep in the desk, wrote his receipt, wrote it on the visit slip, made a copy of it in triplicate and smudged my thumbprint on the form after I'd dipped it in blood to prove I had taken someone’s cash. In other words, I followed all protocol and SHOULD have been on easy street.

Ah, how the innocent must live such a simple life when not afflicted with Mad Bat Disease.

Why?, you ask, well friend (can I call you friend? or would you prefer Goomba?), when Milton took the envelope to transfer the whopping $20, she misplaced the envelope.

I was then called upon to describe this infamous $20 bill. Did it have any distinguishing birth marks? Tattoos? Any missing fingers? How about the hair color?

This led me to ponder which would be worse, death by cotton ball suffocation, overdose by nasal spray or being talked to death by a one dimensional accountant.


She found it near the office bathroom. The $20 was exactly as I’d described it. Green with a picture of some dude on the front.


  1. I'm almost positive that's my 20 bucks. Looks identical I tell ya

  2. that dude's got cool hair.

  3. No. That's my 20 bucks. I've been carrying it around in my wallet forever, waiting for something cool to buy, and I FINALLY found it, and went I went to buy it, my 20 bucks was gone!

    Also, I had gone to the bathroom before this discovery, so, you know, now that we've CSI'd this out, just have Milton forward it my way.

    (also? sigh...the crap you put up with...double sigh...)

  4. That was funny.

    And dont let the boobs over at HB tell you it isn't. I'm an actual comedian and know funny when I see it. (It does not include hooded people who drone on for 5 pages or stolen signs from truck drivers)

  5. Who put it there?
    Some one is trying to frame you Bee. Where was Andy when this went down?

  6. It wasn't me.
    I don't know anything.
    I didn't see anything.
    I don't even have $20.
    I was somewhere else at the time.
    That was my stunt double on the CCTV.
    I can't explain how my DNA got there.

  7. I love that line..."I can't find the door to my happy place, people!!" That should be the name of your memoir if you ever write one. ;-)

  8. Wow.. Dumb Patients..


    You always make me laugh Bee!

  9. Is her radio at a reasonable volume while she's collating?

    Milton = Hollywood...
    this post gives me a huge urge to find an accountant, chase their ass around with a cherry red Swingline, and scream "no salt, no salt!"

  10. I'd be weary of a 20 spot found near the bathroom. It all comes back to poo.

  11. We are gonna need a police sketch artist to draw out your description.
    Or just hunt down the idiot for saying that and whack 'em in the knees with a tackhammer.

    Almost forgot,


  12. That's why you should always memorize the serial numbers of all the cash in your wallet or possession. That way if somebody claims they found some money you can instantly rattle off the SN and claim it right back. I don't know why this is such a hard concept for people to get.

  13. Good grief! You really work with some winners don't you.

    Describe a $20. ARGHHHH!!!

  14. Now listen people, I'm certain that's my twenty bucks!
    Bee, look at the bill. Does it have the numbers 2 and 0 on it? If it does then it's definately mine.

    You know what you should do next time is color in his hair or give him a Marilyn Monroe birthmark and then she'll think you're being all sarcastic and then when she finds the bill she'll feel like an ass. Maybe that will make her leave you alone!

  15. Bee- I'm taking back my funny suggestion about the birth mark on the $20.
    You hurt my feelings in Brians comment section and now I'm mad at you.

  16. Hahaha! You do work with crazy people, don't you?

    I love that line 'I can't find the door to my happy place' too!

  17. Batman would kick Chuck Norris' ass.

    Carry on.

  18. First of all, Bruce Lee already kicked Chuck Norris ass and he'd kick Batman's ass too...well, if he weren't dead that is...

    Secondly, why all the fuss over this one $20 bill? I just went ahead and siphoned all of Bee's coworkers gas from their cars...that's worth waaay more than $20!

  19. I wonder what else she takes into the bathroom that she shouldn't.

  20. I dropped the $20...but I had just come from the bathroom. I had to pee really bad and just tucked it under my arm. I guess when I came just dropped there on the floor.


  21. I prefer Goomba and I agree with sinisterdan – Batman would TOTALLY kick the Chuckster’s ass! VE? That would not be a pretty fight. LOL

    And what happened to that fifty I dropped? Did the bitch err, Hollywood err, Milton find my money? If she carried it to the bathroom the guy on my bill probably has brown hair now.


Ask me no questions and I’ll tell you no lies.