Because you talked me down from my ledge, I am celebrating Innappropriate Card Day with just you! And Um you. Oh yeah and YOU! But first...

My thanks to everybody who made me feel better (except Brian because he again compared me to some weird looking man with white freckles and said my face shatters mirrors so I should stay away from them.. .or something). Even my work ladies told me how cute I looked and that the glasses were very ""becoming"". Awww old speak.

I figured out what was making me so homicidal about my new glasses.
The fucking reflection on them could land a 747 while I’m sitting in an underground bunker hiding from the aliens who are coming to rid the world of the ugly people (not to imply I’m ugly but these glasses are not going to win me any beauty contests so I might as well be safe than, you know, dead.).
Last night, I looked in the mirror and said to the husband, “these fuckers make me look like Dr. Grim’s long lost daughter who had the misfortune of having magnifying glasses for eyeballs.” and Andy responded “What??” and so I didn’t feel like saying that whole sentences all over again I just said “DR.GRIM IS MY FATHER!!!” and then he asked “WHAT???” and since I didn’t feel like yelling the same thing again for fear of being accused of repeating myself I said “CHEESE AND CRACKERS ANDY! I’M GONNA BUY A GDAMN MICROPHONE!” and then he said “I heard you fine the second time buttercup. I was just wondering why you would say Dr. Grim is your father. Is it the hairy chest?” and then Andy left this world in a wisp of black smoke.

Anyway, I always ask for non-reflective lenses. This time I forgot and so now my eyeballs look like some sort of 3D hologram. Don’t get too close, it might be contagious. I will be calling Dr. Grim later in the week, once I know my turrets is under control, and ask him if there is something we can do to maybe sand off the glossy sheen. Other than that, the frames are very nice and they do look good on me… WHEN I HAVE MY EYES CLOSED!

And so say it with me peoples:
F-U-C-K!

This morning I decided to get my pitiful butt out of bed, do a full make-up and hair styling ego boost, pick out a great pair of shoes because this way I can say ‘yeah, my face may look like crap with these glasses but at least my feet look hot!’.

Sigh.

On to Inappropriate Card Day hosted by Diesel from Mattress Police.

As a thank you to all who make my frown turn... lopsided, I decided to just feature everybody that commented and give you all one card to share (except for Brian because we can all agree he’s mean)(P.S. don’t forget to tune in tomorrow, Friday, for his music review).

Without further ado-do:

Georgie, Tracy, UnfinishedRambler, Marvel Goose, Chris, Suzy, Jean Knee, Petra, Lainey-Painey, FADKOG, Mary Moore,Grant Miller Media, Humorsmith, Dan, ReformingGeek, Cameron, Chica, Orion, The Office Scribe, Kit Walker (who is celebrating a birthday today and I would say HAPPY BIRTHDAY but apparently she doesn’t like to be reminded of her exit through the birth canal because GROSS!), Nooter, The Self-Deprechaun, KayFour, Jacki, NCS, David (who doesn’t have a blog so I don’t know if he’s reading this but he supposedly sees things that are not there CHORD ::wink::), Otter Thomas, Jormengrund, Hel, MilesPerHour and, last but not least, John J. Savo.



What kind of card can I give all those people and still make it relevant for everybody?

Well…


Until next year!
Pass the weed.

Humor-Blogs

Ahhhh! El amor is forgiving, yes? Also Karma comes a-knockin'!

What is that thing people do when they may have gone over the top and mocked someone a lil bit too much because in reality the person they mocked on the previous post had a rusted piece of metal in their cornea that split into two pieces and they had to anesthetize the eye to remove it then scrape off the rust ring it left behind so I guess that person wasn't being a drama queen and was in fact in a lot of pain??

I'm not sure what the protocol is. Do I send muffins? Nah!

Instead, I gave my Andy the only thing I could find that resembled rubber tipped tweezers.

After he went to see Dr. Grim, Optometrists to the stars, he was told he had a piece of metal embedded in his cornea and it was leaving a rust ring. Dr. Grim told him it needed to be taken out by an Ophthalmologist (which I had suggested that morning but Captain Unreasonable had poo-poo’d the idea).

Once Andy called me, I hustled butt to get him in somewhere before 5 and pulled some strings (read begged and pleaded) with some cornea specialist in our area had to drop OZ's name but you know, perks.

The cornea dude had to scrape off the rust ring it left behind which ewwww! But! The good news is that now I may call Andy “Rusty” and he can’t get mad. Also, if he makes any more old jokes, he’s 4 years younger than I am, I can always say “at least I’m not the one who squeaks when they blink” “is that your rust or are you just happy to see me?” or “pardon me, I couldn’t hear you because of all the rust in your eye”. The possibilities are endless!

Hmmm it doesn’t seem like my apology is going as planned. Oh well! You can’t say I didn’t try. (No you can’t!)

Okay, as payback for my incorrigible behavior (catholic school tried), I went to a neurologist today because I’ve been having too many issues with the old bod’ and the diagnosis my regular doctor (and even the orhto to a certain extent) aren’t jiving. Nothing serious so don’t go buying a black dress but I wanted to know what’s up. I gave him my symptoms and he said maybe peripheral neuropathy (I would need an MRI and EMG -which just the thought of an EMG makes me poop my pants- to be sure) but he first wants to rule out restless leg syndrome (I said to the doctor "But my legs don't flap around violently like I'm trying to be the next Michael Flatley!" the doctor looked at me with his one bulbous eye and one squinty eye and replied "That's not what RLS is" then he studied me in silence for a minute and I closed my left eye because it was watering) so he gave me Mirapex.

The same Mirapex I first mocked here.

MIRAPEX can cause serious side effects, including:

• falling asleep during normal daily activities like driving.

• low blood pressure when you sit or stand up quickly. You may have dizziness, nausea, fainting, or sweating. Sit and stand up slowly after you have been sitting or lying down for a while.
• hallucinations. You may see, hear, feel, or taste something that isn’t there. You have a higher chance of having hallucinations if you are over 65 years old.
• excessive gambling or sexual urges

Karma, no?

Anyway, if you see me driving while sleeping, playing blackjack and talking to no one whom I’m referring to as Brad Ryan Reynolds Pitt, just let me have my moment m'kay?

Ahhh El Amor IS Blind!

You know how sometimes men and women can happily co-exist and then sometimes all their differences are as glaringly apparent as an orange backpack on a neon blue shoed man?

Last night, as we were getting ready for bed, Andy complained about having something in his eye. I myself have been the recipient of little splinters playing tag in my eyeball due to my eyeliner pencil (because I buy the cheap 99¢ pencils that are probably made in China and poisoning me slowly) so I know how irritating it can be. I did my best to offer my sympathy and help. Unfortunately for the both of us, Andy wasn’t in last night. In his stead was Captain Unreasonable whose evil super power is a deafening roar.

I know we women are always making fun of the lack of pain tolerance our men have. We will sip coffee and commiserate on how the poor little bunnies had the sniffles or how they stubbed their toe and dropped to the floor wailing in pain. Breaks your heart, really.

Captain Unreasonable wanted my help but he didn’t want to tolerate my questions or my presence.

CU:
This thing is burning BURNING!

Bee:
Do you know what’s in there?

CU:
NO! ROOOOOAR!

Bee:
Did you let your eye tear up so that it could flush out?

CU:
IT HAS BEEN TEARING ALL DAY! ROOOOOOOAAAAAR!!

Bee:
Okaaaay.

We went to bed where Captain Unreasonable tossed and turned and I read Marley & Me. He finally couldn’t stand it anymore so he got up.

CU:
ROOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRR!

Bee:
Are you going to try and rinse it out?

CU:
I’M GOING TO TRY, BEE!

Bee:
::sigh::

CU:
I need tweezers!

I get out of bed so that I may locate the tweezers.

CU:
Are they rubber tipped?

Bee [thinks ‘what the fuck?’]:
Uhm, no.

CU:
THEN THEY WON’T WORK! ROOOOOAAAR!

Bee:
Can you see where it is clearly? [because I have long nails, you see. Maybe I could be the rubber tipped human tweezers]

CU:
OF COURSE I CAN! ROOOAR! ROOOOAAAAR! ROOOOOOAAAARRRRR!

I finally gave up trying to help because, if I wanted to have my head chewed off, I would staple raw steak to my ass and throw myself in a lion’s den slathered in BBQ sauce.

I went to bed and kept reading Marley & Me, which WTF? why did I torture myself? Did you guys know the freakin' dog dies at the end? It brought back all the memories of every dog that has been my faithful companion in my 36 years on Earth.

As I’m trying not to sob, Andy, I MEAN, Captain Unreasonable was slamming drawers and cabinets looking for these mythical rubber tipped tweezers.

He finally came to bed, angry that I hadn’t used my super healing powers to cure him.

The next morning (today day of the lord Tuesdayeth), he asked me for a magnifying glass. Huh? I thought I was dreaming and had forgotten Captain Unreasonable had made an appearance so I jokingly said:

“Don’t worry babe, it’s big enough”

CU:
ROOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRR!!!!

Bee:
[mumbles] SHIT.
No, I don’t know where it is.

CU:
I can never find anything in this fucking house!

Bee:
Do you want me to make you an appointment with an ophthalmologist?

CU:
What does an ophthalmologist do?

Bee:
They are eye doctors.

CU:
What’s he gonna do?

Bee:
Is that a ‘no’?

CU:
I DON’T KNOW, BEE! We’ll see later today!

Bee:
[mumbles] That’s right. Don’t look to fix the problem. It’s better to complain.

CU:
WHAT????

Bee:
I said HAVE A GOOD DAY!

I finally went over his head and made him an appointment with Dr. Grim. He’s not an ophthalmologist but I’m sure he can pull Captain Unreasonable’s nose hairs until he cries that little piece of whatsit out of his eye.

I’m also thinking I need to buy a first aid kit and stock it with random objects that may come in handy. Magnifying glass, rubber tipped tweezers, yellow highlighter, staple remover, paper clip, ear plugs…

Babe, if you happen to be reading my blog today of all days, I’m not mocking you, I’m mocking Captain Unreasonable. Besides, I’m just kidding and I feel your pain! Poor little bunny.

How technology brings out the homicidal tendencies in your average, run of the mill cranky housewife.

How was your Valentine’s Day weekend? Mine was a bowl of chocolate covered cherries!

It started with me getting probed and scolded by an old fogey who then billed me 860 bucks. I gotta say, I’ve had better!

The old fogey was my eye doctor. It turns out I’m a huge pain in the ass to examine because I have the eyesight of a deaf bat (get it? because bats navigate by bouncing their screeching off of solid objects?)(whatever) so he has to work extra hard to make his $80 visit fee.

Tell you what. If I made 80 bucks for a 20 minute appointment, and I didn’t have to take my pants off to do it, I’d be thanking my lucky stars I have patients who can’t see 2 feet in front of them instead of making them feel like pig vomit.

And! As I said before, my bill came up to $860 for contacts and new glasses so Hello! How about a little fuckin sensitivity Dr. Grim!

Anyway, after the eye exam, that felt more along the lines of a proctology exam, we headed over to visit my brother-in-law Big Tex who works for At&t. Guess who got a new iPhone? If you guessed me, you’re wrong. I’m still happy with Scarlett. No, Andy is now the proud owner of one of the most technologically advanced cell phones of the century since it was only $50 more than his second choice. Yay Andy!!!

Unfortunately, this is also a sad occasion for me. You see, because I own an iPod and have a smartphone, Andy seems to think I also have all the answers as to WHY his phone isn’t turning on or why he can’t access the internet RIGHTNOW or why it can’t tie his shoelaces while he tap dances. I had to keep repeating that

A) I don’t have an iPhone, never have, therefore am unfamiliar with its idiosyncrasies

B) I am not an iPhone tech moonlighting as his wife

C) I HATE APPLES (get it? because the iPhone is an Apple product?)(whatever man, I’m done with you!)

I swear, if our marriage has survived relatives*, financial difficulties, Tazz and floods, you’d figure technology would be a breeze but if I have to hear “Bee! My phone won’t turn on! FIX IT!” one more time… let’s leave that blank, shall we? I don’t want to incriminate myself in case I’m the prime suspect in an unrelated atomic wedgie incident where a masked WOMAN person came in and pulled Andy’s unders over his ears.

Other than that, the damn thing is awesome and I can’t wait until they come out with a red one.

On Monday, we had another guy come out to give us an estimate on the underground water tunnel we want to build under our house. This guy was older than the first one and seemed to think that women and construction terms don’t mix. He kept telling me that maybe he should wait for my husband to come home so he may explain the SCARY details to him. I told him he could take a seat right here! and explain it to me since I had my handy dandy pink pen to take notes and after all, women had a long history of taking notes from MEN so I’m sure I’ll be okay. By the way, can you please tell me how deep and how wide the hole will be? Big enough to stash an old guy’s body??

He changed his mind, it must have been my menacing growl, and decided to strain my little woman brain with all those technical details like PVC pipe, drainage tiles… water.

In his defense, he did say one of their inspectors was a woman and “she really knows her stuff!” Look at us being all equal and shit! Will wonders never cease?

Nutterphucker.

To tell you the truth, after listening to both quote guys, I think I can knock out the sump pump installation myself and save myself a few grand. Maybe buy some more shoes.

I started my Spring cleaning yesterday. I once read somewhere that dust was just dead skin so I’m currently looking to make a 30 person sculpture from all the dead skin I’ve accumulated since Christmas. I’m thinking of calling it “ZomBee Army” and I’ll give them power tools as weapons. Or maybe I can make them dig my underground moat and save myself money AND labor.

I think that’s all for now… oh yeah! Did you guys hear about the fireball in the Texas sky? Some people thought it might be the remnants of 2 satellites that crashed but they now think it’s a meteor the size of a pick up truck. I know better. Superman is finally here to save me. I love you Superman!

*if you are one of my relatives and are currently thinking “WTF! I’m in the same category as a flood???” no, no! Of course not. ... ...

P.S.

My Valentine (me) gave me an awesome purse and a pair of stylin' shoes.

P.P.S.

I also wanted to let everybody know that I love my Andy more than I do all the purses and shoes I own (and even future ones that haven't been made yet). I joke about our unconventional relationship but I could not have found a better man, believe me I did look long and hard before I chose him and I do believe he can do better by finding himself a nice sweet, never-gives-him-trouble type of gal but he's decided to stick with little OLD me. He puts up with my lack of control when it comes to my temper and I put up with all of his weirdness. We are like mustard and ketchup. With me being the mustard, I guess?

I want to get a seeing eye monkey. Who will also throw poop at my enemies.

So yeah, I got my new glasses. I was so looking forward to picking them up that I posted that as my status on Facebook. We, the man I married and I, rushed over to Dr. Grim's and guess what?

I fucken hate them.

I am so bummed out about spending a shit-ton of money on them that I can't even breathe right now.Sure they look pretty sitting on top of my copy of The Sandlot (one of the best movies ever made) but maybe it was too much to ask of them to make my face look good?

I've been sitting here asking myself if I would be this pissed off if I had gotten the cheapo $40 frames and I gotta say that I doubt it. I'd probably would have just shrugged and said 'welp! you get what you pay for!' and then I would have slapped a couple of old ladies at Target and had some laffy taffy. Instead I'm wondering why the FUCK I went against my instincts.

Now I'm unbelievably (thesaurus time!)

annoyed, bad tempered, bellyaching, crabby, cranky, disappointed, discontent, displeased, dissatisfied, griping, grouchy, grousing, grumpy, irritable, irritated,

The ones I just replaced lasted 5 years so this means you're in for FIVE years of a bitchy(er) Bee.

I almost feel bad for you. Almost.

Fuck it. I'm going to bed.

P.S.
This is not a cry for help. I'm sure that when I get my contacts (A MONTH FROM NOW because I apparently have some sort of eclipse in my retinas so very special molds need to be made to make my very special contacts) I'll be a tad happier.

Damn you George Burns!