Wednesday, July 22, 2009

A dirty hole is nothing to be ashamed of.

I know I promised reruns but I had a quickie (not to brag or nuthin’) so I had to come over and share. I’m not really here. At this moment I'm probably sitting in a corner wondering where two curtain panels disappeared to. I blame the laundromat people because that is when I last saw them. Bastards.

I bought a shelving unit over the weekend (MADE IN THE USA baby!) to organize all the miscellaneous items in my life that I need to keep because I know I will use them at some point during my lifetime and because now that we shop at Costco, we have massive amounts of detergent, paper towels and enough toilet paper to survive The 40 Year Poop War I’m predicting.

Anyway, I got mad at Andy because he yelled at me for asking him to help me get it into the house. He said “Why do you need MY help if YOU yourself got it into the shopping cart and then into the car?? If you could do that, why wouldn’t you go that extra mile and get it in the house by yourself??” okay, so he didn’t say that exactly but I can read between the lines!

I had interrupted an important rescue-mission/battle/nut-gathering thing, you see and we all know this is likened to an act of treason! I calmly asked him why he couldn’t just tell me he’d get it after he conquered a new world instead of being an unreasonable butthead. He argues that I always want everything NOW NOW NOW! He said it in a manner that implied that was a bad thing.

Of course now I was angry so I decided to build the Shelving Unit of Discord myself. Who needs a man? Not this semi intelligent semi fashionable semi hungry chick! I have my own tools! (I bought them on sale because they came in a cute little black and red case.) (I got a set for my mom too.)

I was disappointed to learn I only needed a hammer.

I struggled with the damn Shelving Unit of Discord for 3 hours. At one point Andy came out of the dungeon, he must have left someone he trusted in charge of the safety of the galaxy, and he brought me a long screw driver so that I may “clean up the holes because it’ll be easier”. I don’t know if you know this about me but when I’m pissed I’m poisonous. I told him to go away before I cleaned up his hole and he said something about my mouth hole and went back to the important task of saving the Earth or you know, its ugly brother, Fantasy-troll-land.

Back to me.

I swore, I sweated, I sliced my delicate hands with the sharp edges so I swore some more but louder and with more feeling so that the neighbors would know without a doubt how much my soul was suffering. In the end I was proud at what I had accomplished. I had a nice, sturdy, shelving unit that could hold the weight of 4 miniature ponies juggling bowling balls.

I liked it so much I wanted another one. Trying to exit the doghouse, Andy offered to pick one up on his way home from work. He had it put together in 10 minutes TEN MINUTES!! He didn’t gloat though because he was happy to be back on my good side and he also knew I wouldn’t share the dinner my poor, sliced up hands made (pasta shells in Alfredo sauce with broccoli and lemon pepper chicken) if he so much as uttered a single little ‘I told you so’.

shelf (can also be converted into 2 separate 2 shelf units which is what I did)

Now you’re probably thinking that Andy is a master craftsman and I should have left the building of things to a MAN but I’d have to hit you over the head with a led pipe and disagree. You see, when I moved MY shelving unit, I did so easily without having pieces fall apart in my sliced up little hands. Andy’s, however, came apart easily because you could only lift it, awkwardly may I add, from the bars holding the shelves and not the shelves themselves.

The difference? My shelves were forced into their slot holes by a woman determined to fit a half inch bracket into a ¼ inch hole but Andy “cleaned up the holes” so the shelves were all loose and wiggly (loose and wiggly- your nickname in High School?).

Woman 1,452,151 Man -7,487,778

(don’t do the math, Brian)(I typed in ‘don’t do the mEth, Brian’ but the top half of my eagle eye caught the error but I still think it’s good advice. Do not do the math OR the meth, Brian!)

The moral of the story?

Sometimes it’s okay to have a dirty hole.


Brother Dan finally posted and he says he did so to take up my slack which I thought was nice of him and then I remembered he owed because he hates my dogs. He knows what I mean.


  1. I've put together many a shelving unit. Me and my butter knife!

  2. Great job, Bee. Your unit will survive the earthquake. Too bad it will only hold toilet paper. ;-)

  3. I can't follow instructions to save my life so my husband is the designated builder. This doesn't mean he's good at it and as proof I offer our IKEA coffee table that wobbles because he couldn't push one leg all the way in.

  4. I don't even know what to say to this.

    go Bee?

  5. Sounds like you got duff furniture to me. Maybe you should try "MADE IN SWEDEN" next time...

  6. You did good. You got the thing together without using a screwdriver as a deadly weapon, you got your husband to buy and assemble the other one, and then you got the last laugh when his was wobbly.

    My only problem is that now I've associated having a dirty hole with Alfredo sauce. Don't ask me how it happened. I can't explain how my mind works. But I won't be eating buttery pasta until the memory fades. Thanks, Bee.

  7. I don't hate your dogs.....just Tazz.
    I hate building stuff. Guess I don't have to pick up the slack for the family. And the Blond chick from SYTYCD is not trashy and your phone sucks!

  8. i like it when the human builds things, it means the kitchen is left unattended.

  9. haha!!!!!

    Crap Bee, I haven't been here in a while ... I need to get caught up.

    -But I'm out of HB votes today (I spent 'em all whoring).

    Expect mad votes tomorrow!!!!


  10. I once attempted to put a portable closet together.
    I ended up trapped in the plastic zippered cover, naked and sweating.
    Mr.Man came home and calmly replied to my hysterical crying and swearing by saying...."Stop crying honey. It's not like this is the first time this kind of thing has happened to you."

    Men are so sympathetic...

  11. an impatient woman...

    Aren't blog posts supposed to be about something unusual and different?

  12. You are more handy that I could ever be!


Ask me no questions and I’ll tell you no lies.