HAPPY HALLOWEEN!!!

Just wanted to give you guys a peek at my backyard.
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I keep all my mementos back here.
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(People who cross me.)
The scary thing for today: Michael Jackson.

::SHIVER!::

I just realized that the blog demons will change my age on my profile on their own!!
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Pretty soon when people look at my profile it'll say 35!!
Aaargh!!
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Help me Obi-Wan, you're my only hope!

Halloweenie!

Our Hallowbash was Saturday and we had so much fun!
The whole family got into the spirit of dead witches and costumed up! :o)

Dan, Marie & Amanda

Mariachi, Fairy, Flamenco Dancer

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Big Texan, Nancy and Natalia

Fiyero (Scarecrow) Elphaba (Wicked Witch) and Galinda (Glinda The Good Witch)

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Marie's Dad, Marie's Mom and my Mom

Lord Vader, Queen and Mother Superior

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Esmeralda and Sergio

Vampires---------- Vampires that are afraid of Bee

Andy and I were very politically incorrect and went as a Border Patrol Guard and a Mexican.

I was La Migra (Immigration) and he was my Mexican!

Yup! We switched it up! :op

Andy---------------------- Bee

My Mexican--------Border Patrol (La Migra)

So...

I thought we were sure thing winners for the costume contest due to outrageous originality and crazy disregard of our cultures but alas we were beat by a couple wearing football player/cheerleader costumes.

Now don't get me wrong, I'm not saying the thing was fixed [yes I am] considering that I threatened to deport everybody if they didn't vote for me and they all claimed they would but once the votes were tallied... I'm gonna need a big wagon to cart them all off!

At any rate here are the winners.

Couples costume Big Dude and Tina (Marie's niece and her guy who's name I never learned) and individual costume was Lord Vader. (Marie's Dad)

The big dude was hilarious!

They brought in sandwiches and he headed straight for the table, stopped looked at me and said "Can I have some now or do I have to wait? Normally I'd wait but..."

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I said to him "Dude, if you want a sandwich I can't see anybody trying to stop you!" He laughed and grabbed himself some sandwiches with some gherkins.

HE WAS HUGE!

.

Anyway, I promised a near death experience so here it is:

The Big Dude brought his sister, not sure what she was dressed as (...?) and I don't have a picture of her but she complimented my costume (just want to add that everybody did! So, sore loser that I am... okay I'll drop it!) and then she went on to say something else.

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I have to admit something here, since I am such an antisocial person, when I meet people for the first time I don't really pay attention to what they say. Seriously, my brain just half listens... anyway I laughed at whatever she said but then my brain said "why are you laughing stupid!? she just said she wanted to borrow your costume!" so mid laugh I stopped and tilted my head sideways and said "Hurhn????" Luckily she had to go to the bathroom so she ran in once it was unoccupied.

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I grabbed a couple of carrots and went into the other room where Nancy was. She saw the perplexed look on my face and asked what happened.

Here is where my near death experience came in.

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Bee:

Big Dude's sister just asked to borrow my costume!

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Nancy:

What?!!

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Bee:

No, that's not the weird part! The weird part is that my brain repeated the words back to me and all I could say was "Huhrn??" I mean what the hell kinda thing to respond when a complete stranger asks you for your costume??

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[I started laughing and kept saying "Huhrn???" cuz it was making Nancy laugh]

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ALL OF A SUDDEN!!!!!!

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I inhaled a piece of the carrot I was eating and it started choking me!!!

Yeah! I'm serious!!!

Vegetables will help you live longer? I think not!

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When people choke they should do it on a large piece of beef!

That way you can say "Yeah, she was a big meat eater and didn't believe in chewing her food. She liked to swallow large pieces just so she could brag about it! Yup, very irresponsible eating on her part, I guess she met her match!'

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They are not supposed to say. "Yeah, the big doofus choked on a baby carrot! I know, if it didn't kill Bugs Bunny it shouldn't have killed her, what a wimp!"

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If you're wondering if anybody gave me the Heimlich, the answer is no since I saw a documentary about the dude saying he was a phony. I showed that little piece of carrot who was boss!

::sigh:: Now my voice is all raspy!

Although... it does sound pretty cool! ;o)
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Another October Birthday!

Today is Brother Dan's Birthday so I want to say:
Anduhhh wachaminniefooooooooo!!!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY BROTHER DAN!!!!!!!!

♪ ♫ ☺AND MANY MORE!! ♪ ♫ ☺

Above is Dan and his lovely wife Marie at the Hallowbash.

More stories to come tomorrow regarding the nuttiness that was... including my near death experience!

♪ ♫ ☺Something to tune in to! ♪ ♫ ☺

Red

Introducing a new addition to the family.

No longer well I miss out on Wordless Wednesdays due to Orcs and Trolls (No, I'm not talking about Andy. Stop being mean to him since he's the one who got me my cool new toy.)

Ladies and Gents, this is Ruby R. (I gave her Andy's last name since it seemed only fair...)

Yeah, she is so pretty...

She was delivered to me earlier than expected via DHL to the AIA (Arkham Insane Asylum) on Friday.

The delivery dude got a surprise himself when he almost had to fend off hugs and kisses from one very grateful lunatic.

He responded with a cheesy grin saying that, that was what he liked to see.

So anyway that's all I have to say for today!

Later Chivatos!

Oh...

HAPPY BIRTHDAY NANCY!!

---------------27!--------------------

3 MORE YEARS AND YOU'LL BE 30!

WAR! HOO! HAH! What is it Good For?

Throughout the ages… we have been made to believe all major wars were primarily about religion, land, oil etc but here, at the lovely Insane Asylum, I have humbly come across the truth.

Simply put, it’s about food.

Snacks in forms of cookies, crackers, cheese, cakes and the new one… ordering lunch without inviting the bats.

Now ladies and gents, you must think I’m exaggerating.

In your head you're probably thinking:

“You are one insane chickadoo if you think for one minute I’ll believe your crappy lies!”

First, to answer your thoughts, “Why are you being so mean to me? Have I not been super nice to you?”

Second, to prove my point,

All the bats were talking about what they had brought for lunch (as is there custom). I then realized I forgot mine so when Glynda walked in, I asked if she wanted to order out. She said yes so we did.

Now, my loyal peeps, I ask you… did I do something wrong in not asking the obnoxious pieces of pickled shit co-workers of mine? They had just gone on for a fuckin' hour about what they were going to eat!!

::breathe::

Anyway…

This conversation took place once I got back from eating lunch.

Toto:
Why didn’t you ask us if we wanted lunch?
Me:
Last I checked I wasn’t a waitress.
Toto:
I would have ordered something if it was from Wally's.
Me:
You still can there’s the menu.
PD:
What’s the point now? It won’t get here in time!
Me:
I hate to be rude, nah who am I kidding I want to be rude. I don’t care if you’re mad at me! My life will go on and I will survive.

I then started singing “I Will Survive” by the talented Ms. Gloria Gaynor (women’s anthem).

Sing it with me my sist-ahs!

♪ ♫ ☺

Oh, no, not I-I will survive

Oh, as long as I know how to love

I know I'll stay alive

I've got all my life to live and

I've got all my love to give

And I'll survive, I will survive, hey, hey ♪ ♫ ☺

They went to sulk in the kitchen.

Is it my responsibility to keep these morons fed? UHM... No!

What's next? Letting them know they went boom boom in their diapeey?!

BITCHES!!

On a weird (er?) note.

The other doctor, who I never talk about cuz he’s a nice man semi-retired in his 70s (we'll call him Mr. Rogers), asked me for a bite of my burger…!

Luckily, I had cut it in half since I never eat the whole darn thing so I offered him the untouched half but who does that???

What if I have cooties??

I mean, I’m married to a boy and everybody knows ALL boys have cooties!

I do have a theory as to why he asked me but it could all be in my head.

A couple of weeks ago I wore a skirt to work. After a while it kept shimming up so I stood up and adjusted it.

I had to lift it mid-thigh to fix the inside lining. I did this while at my desk since it's just women but first I made sure no one was looking at me from my window.

Little did I know I was putting on a show for Mr. Rogers who was sitting in the adjoing office (usually empty) on the computer.

Maybe he thought we formed a bond that day...?

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WARNING P.S.

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IF SOMEBODY POINTS OUT THAT I WAS MISSING THEM ON MONDAY... I WILL PERSONALLY WRAP ONE OF THEM UP AND SEND HER TO YOUR DOMICILE SO SHE CAN ANNOY THE SHIT OUT OF YOU.

THEY ARE VERY TALENTED IN THAT DEPARTMENT!

YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE!!!

SPAMMED!

Everybody gets spammed right?

You open your e-mail and you have offers for weight loss, cell phones, Wal-Mart, and other stores that happen to have your e-mail address because some bastard has sold your information!

Being a modern chick, I have 3 e-mail addresses, hotmail, yahoo and of course g-mail.

My hotmail and yahoo accounts send me all the regular spam mail but my lovely g-mail account... well let's just say it's making me gender confused.

Every single piece of spam mail I get is trying to get me to enlarge my penis.

YES.I.SAID.MY.PENIS.

I'm not kidding! I haven't gotten anything other than this crap (this is just form today!):

"Pauline R. Pryor ‎Your new penis will lead you to new s'e_xual successes"

"Marci Y. Rudd ‎Your women were never so pleased with your penis"

Rosalie F. Daly "‎Bigger penis won't be on TV but in your shorts!"

"Ivan Z. Little ‎Make your penis bigger and feel the difference" -

"Connie D. Kinney ‎Take your chance and enjoy your bigger penis"

"Leonardo O. Richard ‎You won't believe your eyes when you see your new penis size"

"Morgan M. Lay ‎We can give you what you want: bigger penis"

"Teddy D. Wong ‎We shall lead you to your new s'e_xual life - At last you will never worry about your size any more."


Can somebody tell me why? And! Check out the names of the people Ivan Z Little!

You can't make this shit up!

I'm hoping that many months of therapy can restore my self confidence in being a woman but I'm skeptical!

And! Not to brag but if I was a man... I'd be a MAN!
Know what I'm sayin'? [doing the man thing and grabbing my crotch.] (What? Too much information? Men know no shame...) (Say it loud and proud baby!)

Now if you'll excuse me I have to go check on something again.

Tomorrow Tomorrow I Love Ya Tomorrow!

It is exactly 11:06 in the PM and I have stood up to my bed time prison guard and am now posting!

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I don't have anything to say but I had to do something to validate me being up passed 10:30!

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So... I leave you with that picture of me and my fist of death!

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(Only with better hair)

(What? You think I'm being obnoxious for bragging? Well don't cuz my hair is the only thing going for me!)

(Well, that and my good looks and quick wit!)

(Only stating facts people!)

(If you don't like it you can always stop reading the parenthesis stuff!)

(Are you still there?)

(What time is it?)

(Shouldn't you be working/eating/feeding your kids/chasing Penny?)

(Did you just scroll down?)

(Are you ignoring me?!)

(Must I remind you of the fist of death?)

(Oh... right, that's what started this!)

(Aren't you glad you wasted 2 minutes of your time?)

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P.S.

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We need to form an intervention so that we can help Jean Knee overcome her obsession with OJ Simpson. It's up to us people! Please go to her blog and ask her to come to her senses!

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Lean in so I can tell you a secret.

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She collects his belly button lint!

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Click if you don't believe me!

...

...

Nothing like Randomness on a Monday!

I hate Mondays.

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I almost didn’t come in to work today since it’s a perfect fall day for the Zoo. I woke up thinking I would call in sick and take my momma and Natalia downtown and have a nice day playing hooky. As I reached over for my cell phone to make the call, I remembered I would be the only one in the Business Office because Purple Dino-SOUR doesn’t work Mondays and Milton is on vacation. I had to drag my lazy butt outta bed!

Once I got here I was told Scarecrow also had the day off. Now as I’m sitting here having had my coffee, sipping my yummy-I-don’t-care-what-Andy-says mango juice and a couple of slices of Cojack, I’ve come to the realization that I miss the bats!

Yeah, I need the bats to stimulate my day into activity! If they’re not around to torture my brain, I don’t force myself to concentrate on anything in order to ignore them.

That made me think of a book or movie I read/saw that said this was the purpose for evil, without evil no one would know what good was. So the question is, which one am I?

I mean I have no one here to laugh at, to berate, or even to ignore. So that would seem I’m evil. BUT! That means I’m behaving myself and being good so...

Hmmm… time to ponder.

Anyway!

Have you ever had people come visit you and then be rude to you in your house?

Here is my solution for these future pests.

Ready?

Say this to them before they walk thru the door:

IF YOU ARE GOING TO COME TO MY HOUSE AND TALK SHIT DON’T BOTHER COMING IN!

Do you think that will work? Yeah probably not! I mean if these people are ignorant enough to leave their manners (if any) at the door maybe they won’t get the hint even if you beat them over the head with a mallet.

I’m sure I’ll get in trouble for that comment but what else is new?

A lady I worked with once gave me this gem to pass on to these types of people:

You know what they say about opinions? They’re like assholes, everybody’s got one.


Boomhauer.

As I was leaving for work this morning my neighbor's driveway was completely packed and they were drinking in his garage at the very early hour of 8:15 AM (yes I was already 15 minutes late for work!), anyway I found out what the parties had been about. It turns out his dog died on Wednesday. :o(

Danaley was a good girl!

Everybody relax, I'm here.

It's Fall time here in the Mid-West (or as I like to call it where the angels live) (well, one angel anyway) and this means we can turn off our Air Conditioning unit and open up the windows to let the fresh air un-mustify our houses before we have to close them again otherwise we'll get freezer burn in the winter.

(WOW! That is one long ass sentence, probably missing some punctuation marks but I never claimed to be smart... did I?)

Anyway, last night I sat in my living room and watched a couple of movies. As I'm enjoying the follies of Jack Burton, (if you haven't seen Big Trouble In Little China what are you waiting for?) I notice my neighbors are enjoying the weather by lighting their outside fire pits.

I love the smell of burning wood so I'm taking nice deep breathes. Yup, somebody is burning pine, oh there's some birch, yummm somebody splurged on cedar, ahhh that smell is uh... pot? Yup! Pot!

My neighbor that is not Wilson ( who by the way, still has the freakin ladder up!), we'll call him Boomhauer is having his friends over for a nice wacky tabacky party!

As I get closer to the window to hopefully get a contact high, I wonder 2 things.

1)

Why hasn't anybody reported his sorry ass?

2)

Why are we never invited?

My very own Jack Burton.

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Speaking of BTILC (Big Trouble In Little China, follow along people!)...

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Andy says (at 10:30 pm):

I'm thirsty but I don't want any soda or water.

Bee says:

Have some Mango juice.

Andy [making that lovable noise that's between a sigh, rasberry and a sneeze, he's talented that way]:

I'm not drinking that crap!

Bee asks:

Why? It's really good!

Andy responds:

I'm not gonna eat or drink something that can't fuckin' decide if it's an orange or a peach!

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Ah yes my heart went pittah pattah... ;o)

-

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*More Jack Burton quotes:

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-You've got a tongue, Dave. Ask her yourself.

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-When some wild-eyed, eight-foot-tall maniac grabs your neck, taps the back of your favorite head up against the barroom wall, looks you crooked in the eye and asks you if ya paid your dues, you just stare that big sucker right back in the eye, and you remember what ol' Jack Burton always says at a time like that: "Have ya paid your dues, Jack?" "Yessir, the check is in the mail."

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-Like I told my last wife, I said, "Honey, I never drive faster than I can see. Besides it's all in the reflexes."

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-Ol' Jack always says . . . what the hell.

Crumby place to work!

Do you know what that is?

That is further proof I am the only semi-sane person working in my office!

The bats will store crumbs from cookie containers and potato chip bags!

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Don't get me wrong, I'm a sucker for crumbs but would I go so far as to store them?

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Uh, no!

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How bad do you have to be jonesing for a snack to excuse this behavior.

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Well, maybe I shouldn't be too critical since allot of them were alive in the time of The Great Depression (or Great Slump in other weird languages) and they must've gone thru times in their lives without anything to eat... so sad. [shaking my head sadly]

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ON A SIDE NOTE!:

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Go to Brian's Blog and pressure him into fast forwarding time to November 19th. If you do convince (<--it took me 3 tries to spell that word...!) him I'll send you some cookie crumbs!

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I'm off to get my Saturday morning fix of coffee, mom randomness and crappy Mexican Cinema*!

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Mexican Cinema:

Involves tons of blood, swearing, horrible acting, drugs dealers (who for some reason are portrayed as the good guys!??) and polka sounding songs. Why do I subject myself to this on a weekly basis? I'll do anything for coffee!

Semi Nice Post

Who needs raises and bonuses?

Not this girl!

This girl is content with knowing her work is appreciated and valued and... ... ... ... yeah whatever! You know me better than that! (or should by now)

BUT!!!

Something really nice happened to me yesterday.

I went in to translate for this one young woman (my third time this month) and as she was leaving she gave me a candy!

No jokers, she didn't think I was wearing my Halloween costume of Hell Raiser (that's my daily outfit) therefore felt the need to give me a treat.

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She was genuinely grateful for the assistance I've given her!

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[this feeling what is it?] OH! It must be job satisfaction!

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Anyway... this made the rest of my day and I will carry this feeling until Sunday night when I realize I have to return to deal with the sub-culture that is the underdeveloped warped brains of the not quite living!

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::deep breath:: ::happy place::

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♪ ♫ ♥I've got sunshine ☼ on a cloudy day... something something month of May♥...♪ ♫

Did you know Wine Gum is not gum?

Yeah, I know!

They're just gummie bears without the cool bear shapes!

Anyway, let go of your disappointment for a moment and follow me into the Island of Whocaresville.

Are you buckled in?

Okay lets go!

Marketing of gum has become an outrageous industry! They (Mad Gummists) are trying to make us believe it's the new "in" accessory.

They're packaging it in eye catching new ways and the displays are now taking over the chocolate displays! Gum has usurped the throne of our beloved Baby Ruth!

The packaging is so elaborate that even people that have been complaining about gum chewer wives have began taking notice.

Where once they have said to their wives, "Gum is yucky I don't know how you can chew it!" "It's pointless because you're doing all this work for nothing! It's not like you're gonna swallow it afterwards!" (side note: that was one disturbing sentence!)

So yeah, Andy hates gum, always makes faces when he's offered a piece (it's not like we're asking him to chew dog crap) then has to talk your ear off about it's uselessnessssss.

Well, a few moons ago, Mi Esposo, went to the store to buy random items (no, this is not the same trip that involved the shower/cell phone debacle) and came back with something I would never dreamed of him buying.

I would have been less shocked if he had brought home an Elf that would make me shoes for the rest of my life........ red shoes and blue shoes and even green shoes, boots and sandals and... kkkhrrrmm! Uh, sorry got a little distracted.

Anyway, he calls me (--bellows--) and says "Look what I bought!' he throws on the peninsula a small black square shaped package.

-- I stared but my 5 brain cells were running around each other playing ring around the roses instead of concentrating on the task at hand so I asked "what is it?"

The next words out of his mouth were "I bought myself some gum, isn't it cool?"

This ladies and gents, is what you get after 6.5 years of marriage.

I said "babe, gum isn't supposed to be cool" but he had to prove it to me. He opened the package and like the dutiful little wife I am, I ooohed and ahhhed.
The name of the gum is Flare and has been sitting on the peninsula ever since because Andrew Husband has decided it's too ssspicy and it burns his wittle mouth!

MG can't trick me though! I still love my old fashioned, Spearmint, Cinnamon and Pepto tasting gum!

Yup! I don't know how those damned Mad Gummists are gonna get me, cuz this girl is too smart for her britches (I said britches!).
There's no flavor on earth that will make me switch... ... ... is that Mojito flavor!!! OH-MY-LANTA!!!

You mean, I can have the flavor of Mojito without calling myself a lush??

SOLD!!

Take that Wine Gum!

We've got Booze Gum!!!

Said to me on 10/16/07 at 4:13 CT (give or take a minute)

The best compliment I have ever received in my entire life:

Useless Human:

"You’re so sure of yourself, you’re never wrong!"
.
.

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Wish there were 2 of me Bee:

"Well… yeah."

(Okay, there might have been a question mark at the end of that sentence but as far as I'm concerned, they were stating a FACT!)

I also came to realize that my nickname totally ROCKS!

Thank you former Assistant Manger of Brown's Chicken who could not pronounce Bianca therefore said he would just call me "Bee"!

Please note he was also a coke-head/girlfriend-beater, these are important things to know so that you don't think he was a cool guy.

He just did one good thing in his life.

The Little blog that could...

So...

I've been informed by my little sister that no-one in her company can access my blog from work anymore. If they try, their browser locks up and sends a series of shocks to their fingers! (true story!) (maybe)

Yup!
Bee's Musings has been banned from the major corporation that is VJ/D, with locations all over the world.

Me! Little ole' me!

I feel special!

I guess too many people were wasting company time reading me on a daily basis.

To them I say:

"Ladies and Gents, at work you should work.
Please do not use my blog as a diversion for doing your work duties. Yes, I know I have on occasion made you laugh so hard you squirted orange juice thru your nose (ouch!). Yes, I know that reading my blog made you work more efficiently as it put a smile on your face for the rest of the day.

I have come up with a compromise so as not to lose you as my readership. I will drive to your location in Corporateville, IL. with a laptop and WiFi and wait for you in the parking lot so you may come out during lunch.

Don't be discouraged as there is a solution for every hiccup in our lives!
I am currently in talks with the CEO of VJ/D and will try to charm him into understanding why it is so important to have your daily 'Bee Fix'.
Never fear, I will always be there for you."

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OR!
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You can do 1 of 2 things:
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1) Look for another job and get me banned there too.
.

2) You turkeys can read me from home instead of getting me in trouble with Corporate America! What do you think??? Good idea???

Which one sounds more logical?

Get to work all of y'all!

Yes, I know I'm being a hypocrite since I do allot of blogging while at work but look at it this way, you guys get raises and bonuses, I get to be a slacker.
The scales of justice are tipped evenly...
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It also got me wondering what other sites are banned for VJ/D.
Am I in the same league as:
.
http://www.spankme.com/
http://www.suckingit.com/
http://www.pornforfreaks.com/
.
Yeah, that would be good for my rep!

P.S.
I made up random websites for kicks and giggles but I had to investigate their authenticity.
Please be aware 2 of those are actual links to depravity.
I won't tell you which one isn't cuz then I won't have any fun.

PSA #547-- 2 for the price of 1!

So... I know I did one on Friday but something happened to me this morning that all women should be made aware (and some men, I don't judge)!
-

First part of PSA:

-

Ladies, after you take your shower and dry your gorgeous body, make sure the toilet seat is down before you bend over [BWAHAHA!] to dry your hair and put it in our classic after shower turban style. Why? ... ... ...

One end of the towel might go into the toilet without you realizing it and you won't find out until after you've twisted the towel, stood up and the soaked end is dripping down your clean naked back! ::shiver!::

-

If this does happen, you have no choice but to take another shower.

-

Second Part of PSA:

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Husbands:

If your wife tells you she's going to take a shower and you call her cell phone while she's in the shower, chances are... she will not pick up the call!

-

DO NOT GET ANGRY!

-

What? Do you want her to get electrocuted?

Is death your master plan?

Like In "Dial M for Murder"?

-

Jack Asses!

-

Disclaimer:

-

The second part of the PSA does no reflect any true life events, it is purely fictional and does not have anything to do with Andy calling me while I was in the shower to ask me something about toilet paper while he was at the grocery store.

Confessions of a 64% Sociopath

So...
I have some stuff to confess.
-
Confession #1
-
Last night Andy said I couldn't be too much of a bad ass because I still slept with my teddy bear.
What?
Yup!
You read that right, I'm a 34 year old that still clutches her teddy bear while sleeping.
My mom gave him to me on my 15 birthday nearly 20 years ago now! Wow! I should go buy him a gift right? Maybe some shoes? Good idea!
Anyway... his name is George, named after a boy I was crushing on at that time (don't tell Andy, he thinks I just named him randomly).

I cannot sleep without him and will often wake up in the middle of the night if, let's say, one Andrew Husband has taken possession of him and thrown him overboard or is just plain hugging him. I will wake up and turn on all lights if he is not immediately located!

If we travel, he comes with us but not in a suitcase as he is one of my prized possessions.

My poor dear Georgie is showing the signs of age just like his owner. He now has a couple of threadbare spots on his body (unlike his owner) which terrifies me but I know I have tons of options to make him better. Like maybe learn to sew...
-

Confession #2
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I love Ashley Simpson's CD "Autobiography"!
The girl who sings for her on that CD is awesome! And the lyrics to some of those songs are pure genius! Have you heard "Love Me For ME" and "Shadow"? How about "La La" if you haven't you must! Here's a little snippet of the "La La" song:


"You make me wanna la la, la la la, la la, la la la la la la la la la You make me wanna la la, la la la"


Word of warning, you probably shouldn't buy her second CD because I haven't listened to it yet.
-

Confession #3
-
Brad Pitt has some competition for my affection. I know you're shocked and I thought I would never utter those words but... I have a huge crush on someone else.
His name is Jack last name Johnson and he's a singer. He sings "Bubble Toes" and I have bubble toes so I'm thinking he wrote the song for me plus he's a surfer. There is something about a guy playing a guitar singing you songs...
So yeah, I'm sure Brad will be upset!
-



-
That's all for now kiddies! And nobody better be drooling over my Jack!

5 Things to Ponder

I wish I could take credit for these since whoever wrote them seems to be in my head! (some are edited to make more sense) (to me)


Number 5:
Life is sexually transmitted. Wear a condom!

Number 4:
Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die. Good reason not to exercise!

Number 3:
Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, tell him to make himself a sandwich.

Number 2:
Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach a person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks.

AND MY PERSONAL FAVORITE!!!

Number 1:
Some people are like a Slinky... not really good for anything but you still can't help but smile when you shove them down the stairs.

PSA-Friday

DON'T LET YOUR KID GO ON THIS SLIDE!!


Unless you'd like some cole slaw...

Saddle Up!

Return of the Butt Cake:

The. Physical. Therapy. Place. Brought. The. Leftover. Cake.
A. Full. Cheek.



ENOUGH SAID!
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A MECHANIC'S SHOES

What type of shoes do you wear to remove a muffler (or "silencer" in weird other languages) from a car?

Why these of course!

Duhhhh!

My sister called me at work to tell me my mom's car broke down and since I'm the closest, I went to the rescue.

Once I got there I diagnosed the problem as a fallen but still attached muffler.

(I said "fallen but"... [::snicker::])

I gave my mom instructions to switch the car seat from her car to mine (little Shoogie Boogie was with her) and drive around the corner off the very busy street we were on.
My plan was to slowly drive the car to the next side street since her muffler was dragging.

This didn't work because it kept moving to the side and getting stuck under the back tires.

So…
I got out of the car sat my butt on the curb and yanked the muffler out with my bare hands! In 3 inch heels!

Yeah!

I am pretty bad ass!

I keep telling you but you don't believe me!
I put the muffler in the back seat got in the car and told my mom to follow me.

As I'm driving back to my house, the car in all its noisy glory, a no good son-of-a-bushwhacker tries to cut me off!

I wasn't gonna let that happen since I was still smarting from when a nun cut me off on 9/28/07 at approximately 8:10-ish and I couldn't do anything about it for fear of a heavenly vendetta!

I showed that Bahstahrd what my mom's little Nissan was made of and he ate my dust. Adrenaline everywhere…

WHAT?

I CAN'T HEAR YOU!

MY EARS ARE STILL RINGING FROM THE NOISE THE CAR WAS MAKING!

OH! You want to hear about my 2 year anniversary scheme. I did go back to work after saving the day...

2 YEARS IN "HEAVEN"

1) Answering questions with questions.
It went okay but it wasn’t too much fun.

Q

“Do you know who locked the back door?

A

“Was it you?”

Q

“Is Glynda in the bathroom?”

A

“Do I look like the bathroom supervisor?” (I am but they don’t have to know that)

Q

“Who put that box of paper there?”

A

“Wasn’t that box there all along?”

See it wasn’t too fun.

2) Locking the Back Door.
Do you know who kept getting blamed for locking the door?

OZ!

Yeah, they (the bats) were standing by the time clock whispering about how he's doing that on purpose because he doesn't want them to smoke on the clock. They're threatening to punch out for 15 minutes everyday just to smoke. Score!

3) Not responding to my name.
Yup! They kept getting in my face.

I don't think I like this one and will scratch it off my list. The only one being tortured was me.
That’s it… these people are beginning to bore me.
Maybe I should start looking for another job?

4) Window Watching
To Scarecrow I said the wind was dragging a huge branch across the parking lot. But when she came over it mysteriously disappeared…?

To Milton I said there was a suspicious looking guy that was pulling on car door handles. She asked if we should call the cops, I said I didn't see him now but maybe if she were to go out there and make sure she's seen… she asked me to come with her so I did.

We scared that imaginary thief away, I'm sure of it!

To Purple Dino-SOUR I said "I can't believe it's raining!" as simple as that, she rushed over to the window.

Oops! No rain!

This was my favorite. If only I could have captured the look on her face… ::sighing dreamily::

Cowardly Lion and Glynda were unable to participate in my study of the gullible and Toto... well, she falls for everything so there's no challenge.

5) Lunch
Unfortunately they brought normal stuff and the only fun I had with that was when someone told me they brought a ham sandwich and I said "A ham sandwich?! You brought Porky for lunch!? Did you know they discovered that pigs have the intelligence of dogs? It's like if you're eating Lassie!”

6) Mistaken Identity

I kept forgetting to answer the phone wrong so that was a dud.

7)
Air Instruments:
This didn't work as well as I would have liked since I guess they've become immune to my uh… eccentricities?

I did air guitar and piano, I have to admit to feeling silly...

They just walked by and smiled! [grrrr!]

Singing Out Loud:

They laughed but never told me to shut up. Probably because, as I've said, I have the voice of an angel...
I sang such classics as,

Black Horse And The Cherry Tree – K.T. Tunstall
(Woowhoo whoowhoo! BIG BLACK HORSE AND THE CHERRY TREE!)

Big Girls Don't Cry – Fergie
(Ladadadahhh, The smell on your pillow lingers...)

Vogue –Madonna (Which no-one can do without well... voguing!)
(Greta Garbo and Monroe Dietrich and DiMaggio Marlon Brando, Jimmy Dean On the cover of a magazine)

One Thing – Finger Eleven (I sang this in Chandler fashion accenting certain words)

(If I traded it ALL, If I gave it AWAY, for one THING, Just for one THING, If I sorted it OOOUT, If I knew all ABOOOUT, this one THING! Wouldn't that be SOMETHING!)

And the Pièce de résistance :

Unbelievable – EMF

I sang the whole song loud and proud!!!

The weird part was how well it described the office situation.

You burden me with your questions

You'd have me tell no lies

You're always asking what it's all about

But don't listen to my replies
You say to me I don't talk enough

But when I do I'm a fool

These times I've spent, I've realized

I'm going to shoot through And leave you
The things, you say

Your purple prose just gives you away

The things, you say

You're unbelievable
-

All in all I had fun!

Although I think I made everybody believe I loved working here... Hmmm... :o(

Later dudes and I leave you with more of EMF below.

-

You burden me with your problems

By telling me more than mine

I'm always so concerned

With the way you say

You've always go to stop

To think of us being one

Is more than I ever know

But this time, I realize

I'm going to shoot through

And leave you
The things, you say

Your purple prose just gives you away

The things, you say

You're unbelievable

Below is not the video for the song but it's got better sound.

2

Today marks the day of my second anniversary here at Hell Hole Is Us so to celebrate I have decided to be especially obnoxious to my fellow annoyers.

Here are my goals:

1) I will not respond when my name is called until they are standing in front of me. This could be dangerous because they will invade my space.

2) I will only answer their questions with another question. Example "Is the copy machine working?" me "I don't know is the copy machine working?" etc.

3) I will sing random songs from the radio out loud.

Well, louder than I normally do. AND play air guitar, piano, drums when called for.

The air instruments might be a little hard since it's something I've never done before but I'm always up for new stuff! (In a non-bondage type of way)

4) I will lock the back door after people go for a cigarette break therefore making them walk thru the front door and waiting room where patients will think they have the right to ask them why their elbow hurts.

This one will make me laugh because I've done it a couple of times before and they're always so confused.

5) I will answer my phone with the name of the company I used to work for then correct myself.

HA! I actually do that allot so there's no real challenge! Well, now that I want to do it I might forget so wish me luck.

6) I will act shocked anytime one of them tells me what they brought for lunch. Example "you brought tuna salad?!"

I don't know what I'll say yet once they respond "yes, why?" I'll have to play it by ear.

7) I will pretend something interesting is happening outside the window so that each one of them individually comes to check out the scenery.

I'll have to ad lib that one too but I'm thinking maybe a squirrel fighting a bird...?

I might update this list later AND might actually do some of these things the rest of the week. Still thinking about it.

-

What?

-

Are you feeling sympathy for them?

-

Today Purple Dino-SOUR asked me how to change a simple simple SIMPLE thing on an account and she has been with the company for 18 years (18!).

-

Milton (5 years) decided to lecture me on the importance of rotating paper boxes even after I told her it hadn't been me, I still heard it for an hour. I didn't know that paper could spoil but I guess if you give it a few years (50?) it'll turn to dust.

-

Cowardly Lion (7 years) asked me how to change the ribbon on the printer.

-

Glynda (20 years) asked me which tray was for the out going mail.

-

Scarecrow (9 years) didn't bother me today but I'm sure she will in the future.

-

You must remember 2 things:

-

1) They are already crazy, what matters is my sanity.

-

2) The moment you start feeling sorry for them it will stop being funny and the universe will collapse.

-

Do you really want that on your shoulders?

-

I didn't think so!

-

Sincerely yours,

-

Bee

When Irish Eyes are Smilin'... (well Non-Irish Eyes)

So...
I have to warn all of y'all that the Bee you've come to know and love might be a little sickly sweet once in a while.

I know you're used to my hard hitting edge and no bullshit attitude [::snicker::] but you might be surprised to get sensitive Bee every now and then.

I'm telling you this because I don't want you to say... "What the crap! Did I just enter Rainbow Brite land?" The answer to that would be "HELL NO!" I will just have a day or two out of the month where I might be nice.

We can call it RPMS (Reverse Pre-Menstrual Syndrome) (Did you just cringe? Why? We're all adults here.) (Well, I'm almost an adult...)

AN-Y-WAY...

I have a very good reason. You see... on October 7th (Sergio's birthday) HAPPY BIRTHDAY SERGIO!! 2007 at about oh... 4:00 pm-ish. My little sister Nancy, the little one that's 8 whole years younger than I am, made an announcement in this fashion.

As we are all gathered for dinner to celebrate Sergio's birthday she says, "I'd like to take a family picture of everybody before we eat."

Now... I'm starving, I hadn't eaten anything since I was saving myself for some yumo-licious Mom made Enchiladas but we all grudgingly said okay.

She asked us to pose and said, "Say cheese and I'm pregnant." Everybody is kind of confused so we laugh but brother Dan and Natalia say "Cheese I'm pregnant" now, it's a cold day in hades before you can catch all of us off guard. One, maybe two of us but never all of us at once so we kind of look at each other while Dan and Natalia are still saying "Cheese I'm pregnant" (I just want to say it was really disturbing to hear these words coming from them.)

Then as if somebody slapped us all at the same time we get up to fight for the first hug! I, of course, came out victorious since I just shoved everybody the heck outta my way!

So there you have it ladies and gents! I will be an aunt again! Me! Too bad you can't see me right now cuz you'd see I'm dancing like a fool as I'm typing this! (doing an Irish jig which is impressive because I'm not Irish) (I'm not doing it very well either so maybe it's best you can't see me!)

Oh yeah... and uh... congrats to my sis and her hubby! I mean they deserve some credit for this momentous occasion! You can't all be congratulating me.

Also, before her husband came over (he was working therefore unable to attend dinner, he was supposed to have the day off but... well anyway) I asked the guys what the appropriate congratulatory thing I say to him should be:

"Nice shot!"

"Way to hit a target!"

"Good goin' Texan!'

"You knocked up my little sister, naissse!"

"You have strong swimmers!"

And other more inappropriate ones which I can't post due to the fact that his mom reads my blog (No, that's not the reason I just don't remember them right now. Sorry Mrs. Texan's Mom ;o)... )

What I did was clap and hoot as soon as he walked thru the door.
Yeah, I'm classy like that.

Mom's house

<--posing with fake surprise

P.S.

No, I'm not in any of these pictures...