Wednesday, October 3, 2007

Too much to say...

5 signs you’ve lost it.

1) You wake up in a daze thinking its Saturday you go back to sleep. Wake up again thinking 'if it’s Saturday where the hell is Andy?' You go back to sleep again. You wake up again thinking its still Saturday but maybe you should get up and take a shower in case they call you into work. Then you think 'wait a second why would they call me into work?' then you realize it fucken Wednesday!!!!

Sucks being a sleep deprived Zombiemaniac.

2) You stand outside of your closet trying to decide what shade of brown to wear so that you can pick the right color of shoes, then wind up wearing purple which makes you re-evaluate your choices/decisions in life.

It’s a bad idea to try and use your brain at 7:15 in the morning.

3) You rationalize being late for work because your hair isn’t just so by thinking 'I need to look good in case I’m called in to go translate. They’re not gonna want me looking like a frizzy-haired-wild-eyed-lunatic.'

Uh-huh that’s what I look like when I’m having a bad hair day.

4) Risking your life by cutting off Mac Trucks zig-zagging thru traffic at 55 MPH using the excuse that it’s a necessary evil in the world of daily commute.

Clearly my brain is still not functioning enough to think that maybe I should leave my house earlier.

5) When asked how your evening was you answer “It blew large chunks of sour milk and rotten eggs!”

2 more days until Saturday.

Andyisms Part 1500

Andy and I were having dinner one evening when he starts telling me that at one of the job sites a woman is the one that comes and empties out the porta-pot so this got the guys to talking about what women they would "turn down” because of their professions. (Most of these dudes would be lucky to get a woman that scraps gum off sidewalks but they don’t see that of course)

Yeah, we were like if you saw her at a bar and she told you what she did for a
living would you still do her?

Other Cavemen:
If she was hot I'd do her but then dump her.
Naw, I couldn't do it man she works with shit.

Meanwhile I’m sitting deathly quite ready to spring my trap, when I see my
opportunity I ask:

Would'd you say babe?

No, I couldn't do it I mean that's gross! What if she were to come home splattered!

[click--trap sprung!]

I get up, put him in a head lock and ask:

“What the fuck are you doing in a bar trying to pick up chicks if you're MARRIED!”

Don’t worry I wouldn’t have extinguished him since there were witnesses.

Moral of the story:
Don’t tell your obsessively jealous wife you’re talking to the guys about cheating on her.


  1. I can think of less savoury professions:

    farm worker (at least the site one only deals in human waste), prostitute, telesales ;-)

    Oh, and I wouldn't want to get involved with a lawyer, especially not a divorce lawyer...

  2. Funny, I'm okay with all those except the lawyer...

  3. Working Zombie: I'm just glad that you're not the one doing the operations!

    When my ex was in hospital having our daughter they woke the anaesthetist up to give her an epidural - the sight of this bleary-eyed guy sticking a needle in her spine didn't inspire confidence...

  4. It might be worse since I'm in charge of billing for the operations.
    One wrong number and your money is mine!

  5. Put Andy's head down said Porta John (khazi, bog, loo, lav, WC or whatever you guys like to call em) and be done with it. Go on! you know you want to. After all you do have an evil award;-)

  6. Objection, Your Honour! This poor man is being tried and convicted on the basis of hypothetical questions, which are inadmissible as evidence...

  7. andy must have an extra set of stones to risk losing one pair. was he sitting down when you put him in a headlock? otherwise you probably had him in a waist lock! get it? because youre so short! having said that i’ll be in hiding!

  8. bee- well uh, you know men never know not to answer questions like that, so well...Andy can't be blamed for such a rookie mistake.

    Of course if that was Drew I'd of snatched him bald.

    how long you two been married?

  9. If you think Andy needs to be tortured you can get my "special" faucet
    he'll remember his misdeed every time he washes
    hee heee

  10. So at my parent's house, we were having issues with the septic tank. We hire a guy to come clean it out.

    He comes with a truck and all the works of the cleaning equipment. I must say he was a bit of a perfectionist, and was quite good at and comfortable with his job. He pumped and scrubbed. Even stuck his head in the tank itself to make sure every...thing....was gone.

    Now what's worse - having a job like that, or liking it??

  11. I would never want to get with:
    A Gynecologist
    Garbage Man
    Sewer Worker
    Amateur Pornographer
    A Caged Go-Go Dancer

    I have my standards you know.

  12. hey how did i miss this post? andy's a playah!!!


Ask me no questions and I’ll tell you no lies.