I wish I could take credit for these since whoever wrote them seems to be in my head! (some are edited to make more sense) (to me)
Life is sexually transmitted. Wear a condom!
Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die. Good reason not to exercise!
Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, tell him to make himself a sandwich.
Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach a person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks.
AND MY PERSONAL FAVORITE!!!
Some people are like a Slinky... not really good for anything but you still can't help but smile when you shove them down the stairs.