As all of you may (or not) know my 35th birthday is around the corner (as in don't walk around too fast or you'll knock it over).
I don't know if my mom is using this as her deadline for Baby Pressure Psychoness or what but she's become mildly obsessive (did I say mildly? I meant completely deranged) about letting me know I should at least have one baby.
At least one.
Like if it were a piece of gourmet chocolate in a nice lace covered box. As if it were the one expensive perfume every woman should have. As if it weren't a commitment tying my life/soul to another being for the rest of my life and theirs.
Don't get me wrong, I admire those of you (men and women) that have that bravery in you. I just don't have it in me.
I never played with dolls when I was growing up unless you count GI Joes bombarding Barbie's dream house and then crushing it with a Big Wheels Tonka Truck. That was me, the tomboy hanging from branches, jumping over fences, getting into fist fights, with boys not girls... they were never strong enough.
I had 4 siblings by the time I was 10.
I've changed diapers, given baths, babysat, walked kids to school, prepared breakfasts, lunches, dinners. We even, as a combined group, financially supported ourselves.
My life is now about me.
Me, Andy, Killer Tazz, Ditzy Mocha, Knuckle Breaker Chilli Palmer, Krusty 2 and Milhouse. That's our little family. If one of them misbehaves they get kenneled or locked in the dungeon (Andy). We have no responsibilities other than ourselves. Does that sound selfish? Well that's okay because we are.
I decided to make a list of Pros (with no Cons this time) as to why my life is so much simpler without kids. Don't try this at home because then you might want to move in with me and I just don't have any room for you. Okay I do have tons of space but I don't want to worry about you being thrown out of a second floor window.
What? Who would do that to you? ... ... ...
No cleaning up baby stuff like vomit, poop etc...
Hmm... well Mocha does throw up if she drinks water too fast and Andy does have to clean up the yard every week... Uh, we'll get back to that!
I don't have to worry about starving children...
Well, I mean T & M (Tazz and Mocha) do tend to whine until I give them food and have been known to toss their dish... but at least I can feed them whatever I want. As long as it's Kibbles and Bits dog food because any other food and they get sick... maybe we should come back to this one too!
I don't have to worry about kids getting sick, taking them to the doctor etc...
Although, Tazz does have skin allergies and Mocha needs to be "fixed" and then there's rabies shots, heart worm prevention meds, flee & tick meds, Tazz's tranqs... Holy Chew Toys! I think we need doggy insurance!
Let's move on...
If Andy and I ever travel somewhere we can just pick up and go with no need to worry about sitters and... well Tazz is very anti-social and cannot be controlled by anyone else but me. Hmmm... and I remember the last time we took him overnight to the campground and he threw up in his kennel on the way there. Okay maybe traveling isn't such a good idea right now.
No sibling fighting. I remember me and my brothers used to beat the crap out of each other until everyone was crying and... hold on give me a minute Andy's calling me (more like bellowing)...
BEE! Tazz won't leave Mocha alone!
Mocha stop pulling on his ear that's why he comes after you! WTF! Stop barking! Go to your kennels both of you!
Both of them! Don't show favorites!
Sorry, I'm back. I forgot what I was saying!
Does anybody want to adopt two nice little cute tiny non problematic doggies? I don't think I'm mature enough for the responsibility!
And she wants me to just have one baby!