Wednesday, December 24, 2008

What? An intruder in my house on Christmas Eve? Don’t make me go all holiday ninja on your sorry ass!



So…

As some of you may know, my momma is in Mexico at the moment and will not be returning until I’m 107.

This means that I’m all alone in my big house once Andy leaves for work.

This means that I’m washing my hair with my eyes open when I’m in the shower because I ain’t no Janet Leigh (in more ways than one, she was hawt!) and refuse to let some psycho with a knife make button holes on my body. Just seems like something I would want to avoid at all costs, you know?


Anyway. I usually leave the attack dogs on the loose so they may alert me of any intruders. This works as follows, Mocha barks her head off letting Tazz know that he has a tasty morsel on his turf. Tazz then goes and digs out his bib so he may dig in and savor any ruffians that happen to make the wrong decision by coming into his home. Burglar butt is his absolute favorite!


Christmas Eve, however, Andy had put Tazz in his kennel before he left and I was making banana pudding (not slang for anything, I was ACTUALLY making banana pudding) and then hurrying up to take a shower, I was too busy to let him back out of his kennel. Sooooo my only line of defense was that nutty airhead who would rather be petted than attack anybody.


I’m in the shower, singing my FALALALALAs with the radio blasting, when I hear Mocha go nuts. Odd, but she will also bark at dust bunnies, not that I have any ::wink::, so I’m not too worried until I hear Tazz’s malevolent growling and him throwing himself against his kennel making it rattle furiously.

I turn off the radio and listen intently.


I HEAR FOOTSTEPS!


CURSES!


The one day I kennel Tazz the Carnivorous is the one day intruders decide to steal my cool stuff!

Now I have to hurry up and rinse off so I may get dressed before I go investigate. I really don’t want to die naked, just don’t want that on my tombstone “here lies Bee, died in the shower with her white butt face up”.


Once I dried myself, I decided to put on lotion. The cold is making my skin too dry. Okay, clothes on… I should really brush my hair too. If I survive, I don’t want it to get all weird and frizzy.


Uh… since I’m brushing my hair, I might as well put makeup on. You know, in case I have to talk my way out of being reunited with Elvis, I want to look my best.


Then I notice Tazz isn’t growling anymore. He’s more like muttering. Mocha isn’t barking either but that could be because they distracted her with a cookie. Bitch!


I call out to Mocha BEFORE unlocking the door and NOTHING.


Okay, I have to make my way out there but I should call my sister and have her on the line in case she needs to call nine-one-one. This isn’t the first time she will be my lifeline in case of death. I once went to open The Chicken place and found the back door wide open. I called my sister and told her to listen while I walked around the joint with a machete looking for intruders. True story.


I grab my phone, yes I take it into the bathroom with me TRACY, notice I have a text message, decide to read it (kicking thievery ass can wait 2 minutes) and almost pass out with relief because it reads “I got the box ;) Nancy.”


I know that message means nothing to you guys but to me it means my sister drove to my house at the buttcrackofdawn to pick up a package her MIL had sent from the great big Texas. The package I promised my sister I’d take to work so she may only drive 3 blocks to pick it up. SHE was the noisy intruder.


She obviously didn’t trust me so she decided to make me die of fright instead!


I won’t lie to you, I am a little pissed but ultimately happy that it was her instead of a burglar. Especially because the only things I could have used to defend myself would have been my hairbrush and bleach spray. Bleach spray is way too expensive.


Nancy, your key privileges are REVOKED!!


Oh yeah and Merry Christmas to all!!! I’ll catch you guys next week.

P.S.

If there are any lowlife thieves reading this, I also have nunchucks and a machete so don’t try to come rob this chick.


I just don’t keep them in the bathroom.


Humor-Blogs

32 comments:

  1. It's A Christmas miracle!!!

    I'M FIRST!!!!!!!

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  2. Dear Bee,
    Did you honestly do all of that stuff BEFORE going to check to see if there was an intruder in your house???
    What would have happened if the intruder had busted into the bathroom and you only had one eye done with makeup and you were working on the other and when they busted in you made a huge black line of eyeliner across your face and died looking like THE JOKER (Heath Ledger version)? Huh? How would you have explained yourself then?????????
    And if you take your phone in the bathroom, for Godsake woman, take the damn machetti too!
    Love,
    Tracy

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  3. You could avoid this sort of thing by having a sign on your front door:

    "BURGLARS:

    I'm in the shower. Please come back in 10 minutes."

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  4. Nancy should have text you before she came over. I hope you made lots of pie!

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  5. I made sure I had my makeup on before going to the hospital to give birth, so I can totally relate to this.

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  6. Merry Christmas, Bee! Smooches!

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  7. Are you saying I should sneak in and take shower photos next time? You ruin all the fun of the holidays! Sheesh.

    By the way, Merry Christmas to you and yours. See you for more fun on the other side...

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  8. "Making banana pudding," that's what she said. Wait? That makes no sense?

    Merry Christmas Bee!!

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  9. omg! thank god you didn't have to kill anybody with your ninjarly skills on christmas eve. that would be scarring. merry, merry!!!

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  10. Merry Christmas, Bee! Hope Santa brings you a brand new shiny machete!

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  11. I'm relieved that it was only Nancy & not aby of the following........

    Mojo Jo Jo,
    Scrooge,
    over zealous bill collectors,
    Mocha learning how to walk in "people" shoes,
    or.....

    Brad friggin' Pitt

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  12. aby=any in above comment

    /facepalm

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  13. Bee! I beg your forgiveness for being so lax in blog visiting lately. Life is all "Get off your ass already!" and dang it, I've had to listen.

    Sometimes I've gone upstairs to take a shower only to come down later and find out I left the garage door open and the front door unlocked. I am tempting all kinds of fate that I am not prepared to deal with. I need to get me some bleach!

    (that Secret Santa gift is fantastic, btw!)

    Hope you have a merry Christmas!

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  14. Bee - You are very cool to get ready BEFORE checking for intruders! I would be running around like all three Stooges with my hair all tangled up and trust me, NO makeup (in other words, my normal work at home attire)...

    Have a terrific and stress/intruder free holiday!

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  15. Get an attack squirrel.

    Merry Christmas!!!
    ¡Feliz Navidad!

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  16. Merry Christmas!

    Χρόνια Πολλά!

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  17. Merry Christmas you! I'm sending over hoards of rampaging Mancunian thugs to guard your domain. Either that or some good wishes for the future, haven't decided which yet.

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  18. In my defence I tried calling twice before I walked in but no answer. Thenwhen I opened the door I said "Bee, it's me, Bee". Then I was in and out quick, I was and then I texed her since I know Mocha would be going bananas.

    I'm sorry to scare you, I'll call youat 6:30 next time ;)

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  19. Merry Christmas Bee!

    I wish I were coming to your house for Christmas :(

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  20. I refuse to shower in the house when I'm alone. I was divorced for a year. . . .before finding Joe to valiantly move in with me so that I could peel the skank off my body in strips.

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  21. You would feel more secure if you showered with a friend. Especially if your friend's name is Smith or Wesson or Browning.

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  22. Just think Bee..

    If it had been a REAL burglar, at least you would have made a great photo shoot for the obits..

    I mean, getting the hair and makeup all done is a MUST if you're going to be photoed by the coroner. Well, that and a nice manicure and pedicure..

    Hope you had a great Christmas, and are looking forward to a Happy New Year.

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  23. other than that scariness, I hope your holiday has been fabulous! :)

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  24. Well...your post soooo reminds me of me. I'm such a weanie!

    Only difference: down here in Texas, I'd shoot a burglar dead at the drop of a hat.

    ...on a sadder note...every time I get afraid and I'm at home...I'm reminded that our 100 pound doggie, Eddie, is gone. I feel like an entire protective layer has been peeled away from me...
    :(

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  25. Scary. My house makes weird noises. I've stepped out of the shower and "heard" something and like you I got dressed first before doing anything. You're right. No sense dying naked.

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  26. We spent Christmas wondering if the squirrel that got in a few days earlier was still lurking somewhere in the house. Not as dramatic as a human intruder, but freaky nonetheless....

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  27. Don't worry, your sarcasm would have bitten any burglar to death...

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  28. I shower with full make-up.

    Glad it was just your sister.

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  29. Hi!
    Is it to late for me to say merry xmas to you?
    nice ninja you have there...

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  30. woah... this was a very intrudery Christmas! Glad all is well for you :)

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Ask me no questions and I’ll tell you no lies.