The value of having friends who need to make a quick getaway from the law. Kidding! maybe

If you have ever read my "about me" on this here blogus, you know I've claimed to have some fish. I say *some* because, like my beauty and figure, they've come and gone.

Every single one of our fishes/fish/fishi have passed on to the great big lake, ocean or skillet in the sky. The last one to leave us was Millhouse the Cromis. He was a brave little guy who was with us for 7 years. Andy and I at one time thought he was the one responsible for the murders of Krusty the Clown Fish the First and Second, Marge Simpson , Monty Burns the Arrow Head Crab, Smithers the Shrimp, Moe Sizlack the ugliest fish alive, Homer the Crab, Maggie the Starfish and Chili Palmer the Beta Fish (even though Chili Palmer was in an entirely different tank) since he was the only survivor. Now that he has left us, I'm wondering if the serial killer is still living in my house disguised as a well meaning snail who pretends to clean and looks innocent while quietly eating fish testicles.

Due to the lack of fish life, Andy decided to take apart his tank and rebuild it at another time. A time when serial killers would no longer have a place in aquatic society.

Then I received an email from a dear friend asking if I'd like her 3 fantail goldfish because she was moving and couldn't take them with her. I said I'd love too but I didn't have a tank for them (Andy's is a saltwater tank and the fantails are fresh water fish, salt would make them go like this "IT BURNS IT BURNS IT BUUUUURNS!!)(Only in fish speak), could I buy the tank they were currently in?

And this is the beauty I was blessed with.

She gave me a terrific deal (practically free) for the whole setup and I have to say that I absolutely love standing in front of it and talking to Larry, Moe and Curly (Three Stooges names suggested by my sister-in-law, Crazy Ez)(I tweaked them a little)(or Bee'd them if you will).

I have now designated them as my advisors in all things important like what I should make for dinner tomorrow.They are not entirely sure but they definitely gave me a big fins down when I asked them if I should grill up some fish.

So ladies and gents, please welcome

Larry O. Pompadour:

Big Moe (not to be confused with Moe Sizlack):

Curly The Acrobat:

Don't tell the other 2 but Larry is my absolute favorite! He likes to swim over and give me his shocked look hen I tell him I'm going to clean.

Thank you, AP, for thinking of us when looking for a home for these little guys. I promise to keep all shifty characters away from them and install metal detectors in case a wise guy wants to smuggle a switchblade.

They can have beer, right?

The butterfly that saved a marriage. Not that there was any real danger!

So... you guys are all geniuses! Some of you came up with great solutions for the marital squabble we were in the midst of (Suzy, I can send him to you when he needs a haircut). My favorite was from Aunt Juicebox who said to just keep it as a conversation piece because she keeps a plastic alligator in her fridge for just that purpose. How awesome is that? Maybe I can shellack the cake and keep it out in a glass cake dome?

I also forgot to mention that the cake made the trip from our apartment (where we lived for 3 years) to our new house (5 years in October). It was transported amongst the fine china and then placed into the freezer with the utmost of care. Yeah. You read that right.

Anyway, Andy and I have now called a truce and it's all thanks to a beautiful butterfly sighting in my garden. I was unable to take a very clear picture because I was inside the house and about 10 feet away:

So I decided to use the video recording thing on my camera. Just to warn you, it's kinda long and you hear me talking to Andy at about 1:24 and I sound cheesy and lame. You may be surprised on how our voices sound and there's also a crying dog in the background and Andy admonishing Mocha... don't watch it, okay?

Nooter, this liver's for you:

Later peoples!

I am going to surgically attach my cell to my wrist because that way I will never ever miss important photo opportunities like big yellow-red rats mocking PETA.

Have I ever told you guys how defenseless I feel when I forget my cellphone? I constantly find myself reaching for the spot where it usually rests on my desk. I would have taken a picture of the spot but I forgot my cellphone.

You see, my cell is no longer something I just make phone calls with. Since I no longer have access to the internet at work (which sucks because I can no longer harass Brian and jean knee while I’m at work so now they go on about their lives in peace and who wants that???), I check my email on it, read my favorite blogs, AND take pictures of interesting things.

On Friday, I forgot it at home. And what happens??? Across the street from my office some dudes inflated a giant rat! A giant scary rat with fangs and claws ready to eat you up! This thing was huge and not really lifelike because it was yellow and red but it still had a menacing look to him.

We stood in front of the window wondering what they were advertising using a rat. They had inflated it near some apartment building so one of the bats said, “maybe they’re trying to advertise vacant apartments” and I was like “with a rat?? ‘Hi! Come live here, we have rats!’ No, I doubt it.”

Then, when the coffee made me smurt, I figured out they weren't advertising, they were protesting something. Unfortunately, we couldn’t make out what the signs said and I was too lazy to walk over, the street is one of the busiest in the area, so I just came up with different scenarios in my head.

-They were protesting Scarecrow's very short shorts because hello? It’s Casual Friday not Hoochie Dress Up Day. I know some older women can pull it off but picture the old tanned lady from Something about Mary. Only more wrinkly.

- They were protesting PETA's obsession with eating rocky mountain oyster. Seriously, PETA! You guys are sick!

- They were protesting because I haven't gotten a raise in my allowance in 3 years. We need to know why! I've done all most of my chores!

- They were protesting Milton's constant criticizing on their disorganized protest. "They should hold the signs up higher! They should have printed bigger signs! I can't read what they say! Why is that man on his cellphone?? He doesn't seem too interested in his protest!" and so on.

I was upset with myself for not having my phone so I may photo document this exciting event but I think I came up with a solution so that you may experience what I was seeing semi-first hand.

I was originally going to draw it for you but my drawing looked like cavemen chasing a chia pet so I recreated it with things around my house.

Okay, here we have that big dragon thing representing the rat, a couple of Bonsai trees representing the trees, flowers representing flowers, Betty Boop in her smoking convertible representing cars driving by and honking their support, the 2 Mexican ladies, Han Solo and Pinocchio representing the protestors.

Here is a close up.

Here is an aerial view taken from the Bee chopper in the sky. I don't know what that mini bottle of Tabasco sauce is doing there. Maybe it was left there after their lunch?

We never did find out what they were protesting and they left before I got out of work but I saw Norm talking to them and I'm sure he'll give me the full scoop on Monday.

P.S.

The Sunday Comic should be back next Sunday. We have been a tad busy but I'm planning on making Andy drink nothing but Red Bull this week so his slacking days are over!

Holy crap! Who knew being ill would not stop me from rambling on and on and on and on? ♫♪Hey Mr. Dj—♫♪

Okay my brain still has the acumen of applesauce (and the same consistency) in that neither could form a thought to save itself from being eaten by toddlers... I really don’t know what that means.

I want to thank you guys for being so nice to me and wishing me health. If I sound shocked it’s because I am. In fact, I was so shocked I was thinking about you while I was in the bathroom debating whether I should leave the door unlocked in case I keeled over so that Andy wouldn’t have to break the door down. Don’t ask me why that thought popped into my head but it did and I’m all about sharing.

Anyway, on Friday OZ let us leave at 1pm. That was awesome for many reasons but the main one was that I would be able to take niece Natalia to the movies to see Hannah Montana (totally against my will, you understand) earlier than planned. I had called my mom and told her of the possibility of me getting home early so I asked her to make sure Natalia was ready to leave. When I got home she was still in her froggy pajamas (my niece, not my mom)! So I had to wait and wait while she diva’d herself up.

I’m sure all of you have intelligent children and/or nieces/nephews etc but I have to say that my niece is way smarter than all those kids you know. Sorry but it’s true. As she was strapping herself into her booster seat, she was questioning my logic in getting to the movies so early because hello? we would have to wait longer and then she might have to go to the potty and “you hate public restrooms, Tia Bee”. I told her there would probably be a long line of teeny little girls just like her waiting to see the movie and we must MUST get a good a seat! Then she distracted me by asking “I don’t suppose you’d want to buy me a blue icee, right?” Her wish is my command.

Now, call me naïve if you want but I thought since it was early in the day, the throng of obsessed little girls would wait until the later shows… DEHN! I was so wrong. I did get approval from my 6 year old niece though when she said “hmmm you were right in us getting here early. Look at all these little girls!” I bought our tickets and then felt a little jealous when they gave her some Hannah Montana cards but I got nuthin’! How about something for the adults, Disney? Maybe a Shirtless Stud cards? I'm just sayin'.

While we were waiting in the roped out area (and she was slurping away on her blue icee, sticking her tongue out at me and being all wiggly), there were moms leaving their daughters standing in line while they went to get snacks. All the little girls had a friend with them and I felt bad because my niece was just stuck with me. I guess I could have asked her to bring a friend but I’m not very good with other people’s children. I’d probably forget about them and they’d be sitting in my car while I was enjoying my nachos.

One little girl cracked me up. Her mom and some other lady were making stupid jokes. Saying stuff like “I hope I don’t lose control and start singing!” and “Ooh! We should have brought our Hannah scarves!” when they went to go get snacks the little girls says to her friend “my mom is such a dork! I don’t know why she thinks she’s being cool since Hannah is for young people and she’s so old!” friend asks “How old is she?” daughter answers “I don’t know like 50 or 30? She has a blog though so she thinks she’s cool”

The hell you say little girl!

INTERMISSION!

If you’re bored, go on down to the Announcement portion of this post. I won’t get mad.

And we're back!

Once we settled into our seats (let me remind you of my perfectly thought out seating plan of being directly in the middle of the row in case people have to use the bathroom or need another soda, they either go to the left of me or to the right but never have to walk in front of me because that wouldn’t make any sense) I found out my niece has no nacho-eating-etiquette for you see, little miss thing does not like cheese on her nachos.

While I argued that nachos were all about THE CHEESE she diplomatically said “I’m not telling you HOW to eat your nachos. I’m just asking you to keep the cheese in the cup and not spread it all over the chips. How do you know you don’t like dipping the chips in the cheese unless you try it first?” ahhh sooooo, the student becomes a big pain in the butt.

I refuse to admit to liking this way better!

After waiting half an hour for the show to start and the theater slowly getting to a deafening pitch, I looked around and then I broke out in a cold sweat. The amount of kids in there were enough to make me have a panic attack but wors was suddenly realizing that if Natalia had to go to the bathroom, there would be no one to save our seats and then we would be the ones stepping on people as we walked along our row. I almost asked her if she needed to make a quick pit stop before the movie started but then I was afraid that power of suggestion would be my worst enemy so I kept my mouth shut.

The movie was good but the best part was watching her sit at the edge of her seat and then take control of the arm rest while a chick in her 20s lost. THAT is my little girl! I didn’t get to see the last little blurb of the movie while the credits were rolling because she had to go to the potty. While we fought our way out of the theater and made our way to the bathrooms, where I beat an older lady to a stall so Natalia could go in, I was glad it was just she and I for I proved I could survive preteen Hannahmania and not have a mental breakdown in the middle of it.

Natalia survived too, even though she didn’t want to share her Hannah Montana cards.

Announcements!

There will be no "Brian reviews…" on Thursday because it is Andy’s anniversary of the day he got lucky enough to make me his wife so I will post his interview then.

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Apparently BlogHer is meeting in Chicago in July and I must have been living under a rock because I didn’t know. I am now getting bombarded (not really) with people wanting to meet me in THE FACE TO FACE which I am still debating because I’m all about mystery. I might be persuaded to make an appearance if say, they buy me some Mojitos, Piña Coladas and a maid. My brother Rick just said he'd go and pretend to be me. I told him it would kind of work only people might notice because he has a penis. Besides, I have way more facial hair.

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Also, Easter was postponed due to my illness so I will be having it on Sunday but nobody is invited. Jesus would want it that way.

As the Theme to Toy Story says "You've got a friend in me".

I recently received a wonderful and unexpected surprise that was delivered to me by my weary mailman (we have a new strip mall in my neighborhood -uh not the kind of "strip" that involves gyrating to Def Leppard's "Pour Some Sugar On Me" while glittered, oiled up and vanilla perfumed, m'mkay? I don't need you picturing random people stripping at a mall- so companies have to notify the residents via certified mail that they are putting one of their stores in just in case someone has a problem with a Subway coming to their hood. This makes for one grumpier than usual mail carrier).

I was sitting at home that fateful Friday evening watching Hannah Montana my recorded shows and going through the mail, separating shoe/clothes ads and magazines for me, bills and junk mail for Andy, when I saw a familiar name on an envelope.

The name was of someone I hadn't seen in about 23 years. Is it weird that the friendship I felt after 23 years of not seeing each other hit me with the same power a bulldozer hits a crack house but, you know, nicer? We had written one time before when I was about 19 or 20 and she had asked me if she could maybe come by for spring break. Only problem was, at that time, we were living in a craphole. A horrible ghettoey, rat infested, craphole. I didn't respond and so we lost touch again and I moved about 10 times after that.

Anyway, I did a little jig and then sat down to write her a letter (yes she included her phone number but I'm horrible with calling people and, as we can all agree, I love to blather on in written form). I gave her a brief rundown on my life and gave her my email addresses, the blog name and my cell phone number.

And so started our communication.

She emailed me a couple of pictures of herself, the two other girls who were such a big part of my childhood and me.

I then analyzed myself in those pictures. First I thought how much I looked like my brother Dan (eek!) then I noticed how skinny I used to be and I cried for the poor little Bee that was eaten up by this present day much larger Bee. Finally I noticed how serious I look. It took me back to how miserable I was that year. I stopped caring about anything and felt like I was living someone else's life. There was just too much going on for that girl to handle.

Once I put aside the bad memories of that specific year, I swear all the good ones came flooding back and I started remembering great things about my childhood. Sitting outside until dark and just talking nonsense talk. Playing 'red light green light', 'hide 'n seek', 'mother may I?' etc.

I don't know if she remembers this (and seriously if you're a guy and more specifically if you are a guy RELATED TO ME just turn away from this paragraph) but she was the first person I went to, in HYSTERICS, because I was slowly bleeding to death and what the hell?? This meant my brothers would get my Tonka trucks! She calmly told me it was my first period and to go tell my mom. By the way, I was only 9 so I had no clue of the ways of the woman and no way would my mom have talked to me about it beforehand because she has always been incredibly shy.

I have other memories too of course. Like my first slumber party and watching the 3 stooges while trying to keep our eyes open, how we all used to hang out in her backyard and play on the swing set, the three of us walking to school together...

It's hard to believe that the people you remember as children are now adults with careers, responsibilities and kids. I know it's ridiculous to feel that way. My own life has taken so many turns, why would I think everybody else's would remain the same?

I'm grateful she tracked me down, even though my Andy is all suspicious and wondering if there are any ulterior motives like raiding his comic book collection. excuse me, I meant "" GRAPHIC NOVEL "" collection but I'm glad she was so persistent in finding me because it makes me believe I must have had some sort of an impact in someone's life. Just like she and so many others have had in mine.

P.S.

Yeah yeah. This is the softer side of Bee. So?