Monday, December 22, 2008

Sit, stay- DON'T WIGGLE!


I was thinking the other day, I know SHOCKING, trying to remember details of my potting training. Was it easy? Did I catch on quick? Did they give me a cookie when I made pee-pee in the potty?

I'm sure I was a fast learner and did brilliantly! After all, I'm an expert potty goer now. It's true, ask anyone.

The reason I was wondering is because Scarecrow fell off the pot the other day. She's got a good 20 years on me so it stands to reason that she would know what she's doing by now.

Granted, the toilet lid was wobbly because it only had one screw left (that's what he said!) but it's been like that for at least 3 years.

When she walked back into the office and exclaimed "I fell off the toilet!" and after I was able to breathe and control my laughter, I did ask her what the hell she had been doing to fall off the damn thing, wiggling? I mean, it's not a bucking bronco or one of those electric bulls you see in jean knee's bars so the dismount shouldn't be too difficult. bckingbronco3

You already have your feet on the floor, hopefully, imagining gravity is around your butt area at the moment, you should only have to shift your center of gravity forward slightly to stand up. She's a skinny little thing so it's not as if she had to shift hundreds of pounds from one side to the other.

I'm no scientist and I'm sure the mathematician reading this might explain gravity better than I, but I've used those facilities with no unfortunate incidents (other than the usual encounters with the pig ladies who do not clean up after themselves)(hope you weren't eating). Then again, I'm very aware of my center of gravity and try to work with it?… or against it?... with I think… whatever! I do the one that doesn't have me falling off the gotdang pot!

She was a tad upset with me because I couldn't stop laughing but what is a girl to do? A girl with normal feelings and a desire to mock those around her. I think she was just being selfish in trying to curtail my fun.

I know I should be nice to her since she recently had open heart surgery but that was like 2 months ago. I'm sure she's fine now! Besides, it builds character and ultimately helps you heal. She should be thanking me, really.

I know you're jealous that I have all these awesome little happenings in my place of work but sometimes the powers that BE take pity on your poor, stepped upon soul and give you a few good pieces of material that have you salivating and wondering why you can't post live via live web cam.

It's something I've thought about but after hearing my voice when brother Dan and I did a duet to Sweet Child o' Mine, let's just say that tape was stepped on, burned and then fed to piranhas with a fixation for toxic chemicals.

My voice, while awesome to hear live, does not translate well into the airwaves. And Dan's is even worse. He sounds like a bagpipe on speed. He'll deny it though.


Yes, I know gravity is everywhere. I did the whole water in a bucket and then swinging it around experiment too, centrifugal force I think it was, if you come here to learn things... SHAME ON YOU!



  1. I hope that isn't a silhouette of you.

    Otherwise, I'd have to wonder why you had a penis.

  2. Mike:
    Nope, that's not me. I have boobs too.

  3. I'm saving my comment for tomorrow so I have something to look forward to.

  4. jean knee:
    Right it down somewhere so you don't forget it.

    I hope it's about your bucking broncos.

  5. Weird, my blog talked about poopers too ;) And toilets and...well, no...not falling off of them.

  6. Toilets are death traps. After all, you've got tiles and other slippery surfaces, mixed with fluids of one sort or other. Not good. Perhaps they should fit velcro on the seats, and on people's "seats". Superglue is a little too effective, sadly.

    It would be harder without gravity, which would give a whole new meaning to the term "floater"...

  7. If you would stop blogging in the toilet, people 20 years older than you would not have to bend over at wild angles to bring their tri-focals into play. It was probably that third graph right next to the bottom of the stall that made the leaning tower of Scarecrow come crashing down.

  8. AHAHHAHAHAH!!!! why do i miss these things???

    my mom on pottytraining (very, very serious):
    magpie, what is your brother going to teach his son to call his penis?

    magpie: i don't know, i think i heard the wife say "peepee"

    mom (or incredibly concerned mimi): but won't that be terrifying when he potty trains and then tell him to flush his peepee down the toilet bowl?

  9. I actually remember being potty trained.. I remember my aunt standing over me saying 'GOOO PEEEE' (because its slow mo.. because I'm in the past... anyways) and I am thinking 'go to heck you pushy biotch' or some 3 year old equivalent.

  10. Bee:

    Some people have a penis AND boobs.

  11. Uhhh...really, how does that happen? I mean, I know Emma sometimes falls in the toilet, but she is only 4 years old and has the butt the size of two coffee beans. But she's never fallen off. And neither have I.

  12. maybe this would help her:

    i read the title of your post and have a question, how long do i have to sit and stay? can i get up now??

  13. It could have been worse if it was one of those higher than usual toilets. Although I think those are confined to senior housing.

  14. Did you actually consider writing "The Powers That BEE" before you changed it?

    Come on, confess!

    Don't forget about the funky papers you can get to put on the seat before you sit down.. Those buggers are slick!

    You think you know where you're going to end up, then they slide and BAM! Down on the floor you go.

    I haven't been there myself, but I was in the same room with a guy who did it!

    Yeah, yeah.. Some other dude..

  15. Brian, why are you contantly talking about bodily fluids? Is ir just cuz it's Christmas?

  16. I haven't ridden those bull things but I did fall off a mule once--it's pretty far to ground

  17. man o man were those comments worth waiting for

  18. Open heart surgery smergery!
    I've squeezed three kids out of my whooha and had my gallbladder taken out and I managed to stay on the pot for the love of all that's holy!
    You know what you need to do? Go to one of those "spy stores" and get one of those spy cameras that looks like a smoke detector or something and then we would all know how she managed to fall off the pot. If it happened once, it's sure to happen again.
    This is what I miss about having a job outside of the house. I mean, the kids make for decent entertainment but you just can't get that kind of entertainment unless you're in a work place.

  19. I don't know what your momma did to potty train you but I'll tell you what I did.
    Every time one of them were successful on their little potties, they got four M & M's. I once ran out of them and gave one a sticker. She ate it. So now I make sure I'm stocked up on candy during potty training time.

  20. Some people fall off the toilet at work? She must have been practising her dancing or something.

    I know it's not a very regular thing to do on the bog, but surely there's more to it than that.

  21. Hello, my sweet. I just wanted to stop by and wish you a happy holiday. Your Secret Santa gift is awesome, BTW. I've missed you terribly and will see you in 09!

  22. who knew toilet sitting was such a tricky thing! perhaps a seatbelt is in order. ;)

  23. She fell off? This is why men are superior pissers... we get to stand up and do it.


Ask me no questions and I’ll tell you no lies.