Thunderstorms and the fearless dog,

Have I ever talked about Tazz here on this blogus?? Yes?

Okay, then you know he is a little monster when it comes to people. He would sooner make your eyes into appetizers than lick you. HE is my secret weapon against all earthly evils and I love his ferocious little psychoness. We are, after all, very similar in personalities.

But!

Just like I have some weaknesses-eses, so does he. He is terrified of Fourth of July and thunderstorms. He doesn’t fear the Fourth of July because he’s unhappy we liberated ourselves from those crazy British people who don’t think I’m a lady, no, he hates the fireworks and the loud BANG!s.

A couple of years ago, I put him and Mocha out so they could do their business doggy style (and by doggy style, I mean pee/poop in the great wild yonder, NOT the other kind). When I went to go get them 2 minutes later, only Mocha sat by our back porch stoop looking sad and forlorn (or maybe she was gassy, you can’t really tell with her). I called out for Tazz but there was no response. (yes, he responds, usually by either running to the back porch stoop if he's done or by running out, ears flapping, looking at me, then running back to whatever he's doing, this is his way of telling me he's not done)

Since it was about 9:30 pm, our backyard was pitch black. I went inside to get a flashlight to see if he was under one of the pine trees or hiding behind the garage. No way could he have gotten out because our fence is solid wood with no slabs he could go through.

That’s when I saw it. The huge hole he dug IN TWO MINUTES to exit his torturous life of dog treats, ear scratches, SHELTER, and appreciation for his biting style. That’s how the ingrate repaid us, he escaped! To further prove to us how smart he can be, he dug the hole under the fence that's in our side yard thereby giving immediate access to freedom. Any other place he would have ended up in one of our neighbors yards.

I rang the alarm and had all our peeps looking for him. I was terrified since we live ONE block away from a forest preserve WITH A RIVER. Not just any river, a river that joins others into making the Illinois River which in turn is a tributary of the great old M-eye-crooked-letter-crooked-letter-eye-crooked-letter-crooked-letter-eye-hump-back-hump-back-eye (Mississippi) which in turn yadda yadda Gulf of Mexico.
I was picturing my little Tazzy wazzy surfacing, eating a couple of fisherman, then being hunted by a tribe of Nahuas.

Luckily, he was found by Wilson’s daughter. The dog was in such shock, she was carrying him with her arms still intact!

Uh, anyway! See what you do just by asking me why he feared the Fourth of July??

To make a long story, LONGER, last night we had thunderstorms the likes we hadn’t seen since… Saturday. They came at a most inconvenient time, bedtime.

I was tired so I went to bed at 10, you know, before my mandatory bedtime of 10:30 and for TWO HOURS Tazz was in his kennel trying to dig another tunnel to freedom. Throughout those 2 hours, this is what you heard if you were sitting outside our bedroom window (we’ll come back to WHY you were sitting outside my bedroom window later):

KABOOM!! PEWOOGH!! (my interpretation of thunder)

scratch scratch, dog whining, scratch, kennel door rattling violently

Bee:
TAAAAAZZ!

KABOOM!! PEWOOGH!!
scratch scratch, dog whining, scratch, kennel door rattling violently

Andy:
TAZZ YOU FUCKING IGNORANT DOUCHE!! SHUT UP!!

KABOOM!! PEWOOGH!!

scratch scratch, dog whining, scratch, kennel door rattling violently

KABOOM!! PEWOOGH!!

Bee:
OMG!! TAAAZZ! I SWEAR I’M GOING TO PUT YOU OUTSIDE IN THAT ‘EFFING KENNEL AND TURN YOU UPSIDE DOWN!!

Andy:
No, he’d drown if you turned him upside down.

Bee:
I wasn’t really going to take him outside Andy, I can barely lift that freakin’ kennel ever since I was diagnosed with Rusty-old-shoulder syndrome. I was hoping my threat would scare him enough to shut up.

Andy:
I think it worked since he stopped-

KABOOM!! PEWUGH!! KABOOM!! PEWUGH!! KABOOM!! PEWUGH!!

SCRATCH SCRATCH DOG HOWLING HAOOOOO MEWHOOOOO

Bee and Andy:
TAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAZZ!!!!!!!!!!!!

I finally got up to threaten his little ass face to face and was shocked to find his kennel was halfway to the front door! I dragged his kennel and put it in the darkest place of the house, Andy's dungeon. I put him under Andy's desk with his chair blocking him from trying to escape again.

If you think that was very cruel of me, shows how much YOU know! That son of bitch finally fell asleep!

Where was Mocha?, you ask. Well, she was sleeping soundly already being used to all the loud barking from Tazz, Andy and myself.



If you click on Humor-Blogs for me, you will accomplish 2 things.
1) You'll keep the boogey man away.
2) You'll keep me in the middle of the ranks.

And the hidden bonus third thing, you'll feel better about yourself for having made me a happier person.