Tuesday, December 2, 2008

This is a completely made up story. It is not real AT ALL!!

Okay, lets say there's this chick and she works at a doctor's office. Her main duty is to recoup money from slackjaw insurance companies (and other companies who are keeping money from her grubby hands) but every once in a while, she will also help out with translating for patients who do not speak THE ENGLISH. Remember, this is a fictional character so therefore the situation I'm about to relate is also fictional. DO WE UNDERSTAND EACH OTHER? Okay.

So there she is, sitting at her desk looking gorgeous like always (this part would be fact if the character were real), when the nurse comes and says she's needed for translating. She gets up, adjusts her clothes to make sure there is no excessive cleavage on display (also fact), checks a mirror to make sure she doesn't have a coffee mustache and she's ready to go into the exam room.

Hello Bia-uh Fictional Gorgeous Chick, this is Pretend Patient. He seems to have hurt his back and shoulder but we're having difficulties understanding how.

Bia-uh Fictional Gorgeous Chick:
Spanish Speak for How did it happen?

Pretend Patient:

Spanish Speak for I'm embarrassed to say…

Bia-uh Fictional Gorgeous Chick:

SS for Well, the doc needs to know so he can add that to your office notes and it will help him determine which muscles you might have hurt.

Pretend Patient:

SS for I was ::whispers:: in the bathroom ::/whispers:: and I had to ::whispers:: wipe ::/whispers:: so I turned like this [shows me upper body half turn with left arm twisted in an awkward angle and DOES A WIPING MOTION] and I felt a sharp tug on my back and a pop on my shoulder.

Oh My GOD! NOW I HAVE TO TRANSLATE THIS!! I mean uh, SHE, the fictional character that is.

Bia-uh Fictional Gorgeous Chick translates VERBATIM in English Speak.

Doctor, who is a 14 year old in a fifty-something year old body (who am I kidding, I barely held it together but I did because I AM A PROEFSSIONAL!)(dammit! I mean SHE THE FICTIONAL CHARACTER!), reacts with one of those faces where you are trying hard not to sneeze but it bubbles to the surface and you hear a weird wheezing noise. His face gets all red but his lips and nose are white at the edges from trying not to burst out in laughter. He reaches into his pocket, says he's being paged and will return in a minute, as he's walking rigidly out of the room with his butt cheeks clenched (clear as day).THERE IS NO PAGE. How do I know? Uh, I mean SHE. Because when he is being paged, you can hear a loud BEEP BEEP BEEP from his pager also known as a BEEPer.

So now this beautiful little angel is left alone with this Pretend Patient who is mortified because he would have to be blind not to understand exactly what happened.

What does she say? "I apologize but he has the urge to pass gas at odd times."

Yup. Defused that bomb. So to speak.

Turns out the patient is right handed but he had an injury on his right hand so he had to go left.

My sides hurt from laughing so hard. I mean HER- SHE-- Allegedly!




  1. This beautiful mystery employee should totally get the rest of the week off because this day alone was well worth her (or their) paycheck!

  2. That is too funny. It's a shame this didn't happen in real life. That fictional hottie would have gotten a good laugh out of it ;)

  3. You poor thing, I mean that poor hottie. Why didn't the poor fictional character just act out wiping his ass? You would think it would be a Universal motion. Slide your hand behind yourself and do the wiping motion.

  4. What totally convincing subterfuge!

    Have a Nobel Prize for cheek. Or I mean, one for the glamorous translator, who is clearly not you. Oh no.

  5. nice...

    You, umm... SHE should definitely have aching sides after that one.

  6. HAHA! Injuring his back while wiping? Not something to be proud of.

    Two weeks ago Peter did something to his back while carrying something up the basement stairs. It hurt a lot, so I told him to tell people he injured it while we were having sex. Makes it more interesting that way.

  7. crap, I knew you could kill yourself from bowel straining but taking out a shoulder from a wipe? never heard that one

  8. FADKOG:
    I agree since she totally rocks! ;o)

    Yeah you might be right but it would be so unlike her to exploit people for laughs! :wink:

    I think he was too embarrassed and only did so when the hottie told him how important it was. I mean, that would be my guess.

    Phew! For a minute there, I had the impression you believed the story to be true. That was a close one! :o)

    Yeah, so the story says, she had a great laugh that lasted about an hour with some sporadic giggles the rest of the day.

    YEAH! The dude should have said it was done during some sex act! That would have been less embarrassing. HE might have gotten a couple of winks from the doc and a high five from me. Uh, I mean HER!

    jean knee:
    You learn something new everyday. It's not always nice though...

  9. THAT IS THE FUNNIEST SHIT I HAVE HEARD ALL WEEK! damn i miss the nut house maybe i'll stop by tomorrow.

  10. At least it wasn't as bad as the "Armageddon" stuff..

    After all, things could get worse!

    Not only that, but I recall having to translate for some folks, and doctors assuming that because you speak one foreign language, you should be able to translate just about anything!

    So one Spanish patient is happy, while you're still trying to figure out what that Cambodian woman needs, and the German exchange student in the waiting room, and the two Latvian guys holding their stomachs in exam room 3....

    *sigh* Thank god I've got a job like this one where I can laugh at folks who have jobs like yours.. I mean the imaginary beautiful woman who can't cook!

  11. bwahaha! fictional gorgeous chick has the best work stories ever! :)

  12. It takes professional athletes years and years of training and practice to go left and this guy thinks he can just go left at will... Pffffttt!

    He deserved what he got!

  13. Working in the health care field myself for 2 decades I can honestly say I have had some fictional things happen to me as well.

  14. well, you - i mean SHE - ought to be commended for giving the guy some pride back. since brad works for a mortuary you can well imagine he has some interesting stories to tell, but i can't blog them since i'm not totally anonymous.

  15. The beautiful fictional chick tells a great story! I really like her blog a lot, that is, if she was real and had a blog.

  16. BD:
    Uh, watcha talkin' about Willis?? This didn't happen here but you're welcome to come over!

    Yep! It's always fun to laugh at others, fictional or otherwise.

    AND FYI JORM! SHE IS A FANTASTIC COOK! She just has some safety issues and hates to do it.

    I have to agree!

    Just Sayin':
    Will they ever learn??

    I bet you have some very funnyfictional stories to tell!

    I, uh I mean SHE, made sure to tell her boss exactly what she said told the patient regarding his exit. He did not seem pleased.

    I wish she were real too. I'd have someone to help with the cooking!

    Padre Muskrat:
    You mean SHE and yes, she could be the next Mother Theresa.

  17. That's freaking high-larious!

    Oh the fun stuff that you, I mean fictional she, must have to translate to espanol.

    Que divertido para todos!!

  18. FREAKING HILARIOUS! I just got the strangest look from my husband because I broke into hysterical laughter.

    Don't worry, I'm used to it, he looks at me like that all the time.

  19. I'm right handed but I'm gonna start practicing with my left so that this never happens to me.
    I would have lied my ass off.

  20. Maybe the patient really did speak English,and was just too embarrassed to tell the doctor themselves. I'm going to try that the next time I have to go to the doctor,but first I better learn to speak Spanish.

    Great fictitious story!!

  21. Dude in the stall next to the guy with the injured shoulderDecember 4, 2008 at 10:48 AM

    I was looking through the crack and that guy weren't wiping his a%s

    he lying

  22. Even though it's funny to hear it's just wrong!!!!!

    I mean where did he get his bed side manners????

    Poor fictional character...

  23. LMAO I woulda so burst out laughing. I mean, if I were real! And I totally knew you were talking about yourself even though, I must say, you were pretty good at trying to hide that fact. I'm pretty observant though. So how exactly did this get written down in his records?!! Ass wiping accident?!! Hahaha :D

  24. Oh Bee, the stories I could tell your alleged, beautiful friend! Working in the ER always was an interesting adventure for me.
    It's amazing how many things people actually get accidentally stuck up their bums! Allegedly of course!

  25. You can't fool me. You were that patient, weren't you?

  26. One hand injured, the other arm in a sling? That fictitious patient is up shit creek without a paddle...

  27. Hey Bee- I thought you were going to send me something for "Friday confessional." You still interested? I need it tonight to post in the morning!

  28. How that office Goddess ever held it together is beyond me. I would have died right then and there. Or maybe I would have showed my cleavage to ease the tension. What? Some people are into that sort of thing.

  29. Urinal Cakes for PeaceDecember 4, 2008 at 9:31 PM


  30. See, I would have never tried to "pretend" like this was fictional... I have no problem ridiculing my clients. But not everybody is an asshole like me.

    Too funny, though.

  31. oh. my. god. there must be something in the air cuz my friend works in a med facility and had a "VIP" the other day, who was not to be identified (but she does the paperwork for insurance) and turns out he was a very influential doc in the community who had a cigar wrapper stuck up his hieniehole. and she had to figure out how to word it on the insurance paperwork. BWWWWUUAHAHAHAHHAHAHAH

  32. Now we know the real reason why the Arabs despise us. We use our right hands. They use their left hands, without toilet paper, and then clean them off in the sand. That is why the left is called the Dung Hand. To offer it is the ultimate insult.

    So, its a good thing that Bob Dole wasn't elected President, don't you think?


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