Tuesday, November 18, 2008

How to start a kitchen fire in 5 easy steps.


1) put pan on burner
2) light burner
3) put oil in pan
4) go remove Tazz's jaw from Andy's leg
5) come back and put beans in hella-hot oil

Stand back and watch the oil, liquid, fire combine for a beautiful fire display. BUT! Beware of becoming hypnotized by the flickering flames because they might make you want to get closer and you'll end up with an unfashionable hairdo.

Yup! I sure did start a fire and nearly burned my house down! The sad part is that it was my first official cooking day.
Don't worry, everything is okay. Even though the microwave and cabinets were lit up like Rudolph after a week of binge drinking, nothing melted.

To quote Andy "Isn't making BEANS part of your DNA for cripessake??"

He's just mad because when I yelled out for help (normally I'm all calm, cool and collected but when I noticed the flames on my microwave and cabinets, something inside of me shit its pants) he came barreling from around the corner, assessed the situation and opened the back porch door and stood there in a semi crouched position…

… While he was getting ready to escape (WTF?) I turned off the burner and moved the pan to a less flammable area- the middle of the kitchen where there are no cabinets or cobwebs (do you know how fast cobwebs burn, YIKES!).
Andy claims he was opening the door so that I may run outside and throw the pan as far as my little person arms could (not far, it probably would have landed at my feet).

I think we need to set up cameras in my house because this for sure would have won us the title of "America's dumbest couple"! We later laughed our asses off because we can't seem to function when no real adults are present (mommy?).

The beans came out great in case you're wondering.

Also, for Angie and Abstract (and even Andy) who feel jipped (Word is saying I should replace *jipped* with *japed* I thought they were joking) because I didn't give more of the story yesterday:

I was helping a MEAN patient with her medical forms since she didn't speak English but then I got a phone call and had to go back in my office to take it. She followed me back to my office (BIG NO-NO) and continued yammering so I had to give her the "hold on a minute" finger but I must have been pissed at her because I used my middle finger instead of the index one. Accidentally of course…

The boob thing, I was wearing a new bra (TMI?) and the girls were not being contained properly so I adjusted them with my back to the door and my front to the window. I couldn't see anybody out there but our office is on the ground level, it faces the parking lot and it's a medical building right on a busy street, during rush hour. I didn't pop them out or anything but if anybody saw me, it was clear I was shoving them into submission.

Okay, I'll talk to you guys later, I'm off to put a frozen pizza in the oven. The kitchen is safe for one more day.



confusedemoticonWhy is it that when I try to sound like Gwen Stefani I wind up sounding like Cher but when I try to sound like Cher I sound like Bob Dylan? It's making it very hard for me to sing "Don't Speak" and "If I could turn back time".



  1. This Saturday i went out, ended up singing karaoke once.... Hotel California... we were way to drunk to sing it, and no... no photos.

    KITCHEN FIRE!!! flame broiled beans??
    awesome, I started a pop-tart on fire once... i was 11. My cooking is pretty much flame retardant now.

  2. HAHAHHAHA.....this is hilarious! Reminds me of the first kitchen fire I started. I didn't know there was grease on the bottom of the oven (I guess some had dripped out when I tried to bake bacon....I saw a recipe). I put something else in the oven a couple of days later, then POOF! It caught on fire. Luckily Peter was home so he put it out.

  3. It puts the cover on the pan thus stifling the flames. Sheesh!

  4. maybe if you let yer house burn down the insurance would pay and you coulc forget all that flood horror

  5. Such easy to follow steps, I am sure I can manage now, thank you for these technical tips. btw, white, red or black beans, or is this not important?


  6. That's NOTHING Bee!

    Best cooking fire I know of happened with my dad:

    Dad: Let's reheat the pizza we had last night..

    Turn oven on, put box and all into oven..

    Made for quite the cozy fire later..

  7. My first visit to your site had me reading a bunch of your posts. Loved the humor!

  8. "Isn't making BEANS part of your DNA for cripessake??"

    LMFAO that is the most hilarious, politically incorrect thing I've read in quite awhile. I literally spewed soda through my nose.

    Ummm, the beans were still good?!!

    Oh, and thanks for clearing up your middle finger and booby stories. I really appreciate it!! :)

  9. Down here we deep fry our Thanksgiving turkeys. Have you ever seen what a turkey will do in oil that got too hot?

    We had smores.

  10. Just make sure you don't have the bra problem during an oil fire. That would be bad.

  11. 6) take picture for blog! quick! before it goes out! :P

  12. Orion:
    One can never be too drunk to sing Hotel California. Never.
    Broiled beans are THE best and this is my first kitchen fire. I think I should stick to the grill.
    I knew you’d like that one, John! ;o)

    You just reminded me I too caused an oven fire. I forgot what I originally cooked that dripped but it was a sight to see! :o)

    Well! Where were you Monday?? :o)

    Jean Knee:
    Yup! But with my luck those jagoffs would up my premiums and give me nutin’! Bastards.

    Argentum Vulgaris:
    I used pinto beans but I’m sure the others will do just fine. And hey! Don’t forget to post your results! :o)

    Wow! I’m hoping I would it never comes to me eating cardboard pizza! I’ve been close though… ;o)

    Thanks and Welcome! :o)

    Yup! My Andy is full of nuggets!

    Queen Goob:
    Mmmm fried turkey! Even if it is well done.

    That would have been major ouchy! I don’t know who would have been sadder, me or Andy.

    Memarie Lane:
    Ha ha! I wish I would have had time to take a picture. The flames looked awesome while dancing on my cabinets! :o)

  13. At least you were *indoors* when you straightened out the "girls" - I have been known to do it wherever and whenever I feel it necessary... which is *too often* considering the top-heavy nature that I have apparently inherited from somewhere in my genetic code... Heh.

    And kitchen fires? Bah. I remember one time having to put out a fire that came from the TOASTER OVEN becuse my scatterbrained mom left a plastic box of coffeecake on TOP of said toaster oven... Niiiice. The undersides of the cabinets were a bit, um, smoked? LOL

  14. I was opening the door to grab the flaming Bee*ns to chuck em out in the yard. When I turned they had gone out.

    As it turns out I found out shortly after we have a fire extinguisher.

    Lets not miss the opportunity to pile on a somewhat dismal attempt at making din din.....

    Really Bee? On the first day your Mom is gone? Aye Carumba.

    Aye Carumba indeed.

  15. Are you sure you can handle Thanksgiving dinner?

  16. Oh, Bee...first a flood and then a fire? Beware locusts!

  17. *psst* gypped... not jipped... just saying...

  18. ...but it's wonderful to see you following fire safety procedure rules!

    1. Take picture of burning pan for blog
    2. Move burning pan to safe spot
    3. Extinguish flames

  19. Isn't it amazing how we end up behaving in an emergency? I have the luck, to react by freezing and just standing there like i'm watching dinner theatre. Glad you're okay


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