Monday, December 15, 2008

Hop on my Way Back Machine and travel 20 years through time to watch me break the traditional Christmas piñata!

Ettarose from Sanity on Edge is hosting a Christmas Carnival for Humor Bloggers dot com where we are to post about "the worst/funniest Christmas gift I ever recieved". Here is my tale.

You know how when you're a teenager you only want cool things like music, money and maybe LA GEARs for Christmas?

Let's pretend I'm the ghost of Christmas past so I may take you back to a time when I was skinny.

A time when I was able to walk out of the house without make up and not scare wild animals.

A time when I could have my fill of pizza, soda and nachos without having severe, life threatening, middle of the night, heartburn.

It was the year of the Lord 1987. I was a young, cool and downright groovie 15 year old who decided to organize a class Christmas party.

We all chipped in and bought punch, chips and a piñata. We all know there were piñatas when Jesus was born.

We brought a *boombox*, some tapes, a stick (for the piñata) and we were ready to start the getting down and boogie-ing. Yep, as you can see, I'm still one cool chick-a-dee.

We also had a tiny grab bag exchange. I can't remember what the limit was but I'm sure it couldn't have been more than $5 since we were kids and about as broke as we are now.

I gave my person a cute little doll that was exquisite in its $4.99 value. What I got in return from a boy in my class was a little bit of a shocker. No, I did not get lingerie! Pervs.

I received the biggest, gaudiest, gold plated crucifix in the history of Popedom. It was about 5 feet tall and was on a chain so I may wear it around my neck.


I still didn't have full control of my reactions. Instead of politely nodding my head and saying "thank you", a little snort escaped my lips before I could stop it. The poor kid stared at me and you could see his little heart beginning to break kinda like how Lisa broke Ralph's heart. ralphlisa

I quickly saved my mean faux pas by saying I had gotten one for my mom just like it so I was just amused by the coincidence.

But seriously?

I didn't want my neck to turn green from the gold plated chemical stuff rubbing itself on me like that weirdo at Kmart. I lived in California where walking from your door to the street left puddles of sweat in your wake.

That last thing I wanted hanging around my neck at the age of 15, was a leash preventing me from the sins I was still trying to commit.

I would have been happy with a pack of saladitos and some pop rocks. I really didn't want to be the female version of Mr. T. manyneck

I have no idea what became of the kid or the gigantic cross he gave me. I remember hitting the dance floor and not stopping with the shakin of my thang to Lucky Star until we were shut down because of the noise.

Maybe somebody thought it was real gold because of its shininess and stole it? Maybe the Illuminati has it in its caves of jewels, money and other volumes of the bible? Maybe I dreamed the whole thing and I actually got a pen?

Now that it is 20 years later and some of the wacky tabacky has done damage to my brain cells, we may never know.



  1. Awww, Bee!!!!

    He was trying to tell you he saw you as Madonna -- the hottest chick on the planet in 1987. She wore big honking crucifixes down the crack of her big honking honkers. Bet he went home and beat his manhood with a pinata stick.

    I always suspected you were a heart breaker at 15.

  2. Hey!! Thanks for the gift idea, I didn't know what to get you this year...

  3. A 5 foot gold crucifix? Tasteful!

    And as Nancy27 said, what a great gift idea.

  4. you were one lucky girl!! nothing says you're a hot chick like a dying jeebus on a chain. ;)

  5. LA Gear? Bah, Rickey's all about the Nike Pump!

  6. hahahhaa- female mr. t- that would be AWESOME. i DEMAND you put every piece of jewelry you own on RIGHT NOW and take a picture for me. if you don't, i pity you, fool.

  7. I feel your pain Bee. I remember a gift exchange where I gave a kewl nature's window (plant growing thing) and I recieved a pair of plain white socks. which were too small

    I wore a huge honking cross in the eighties. If I find it I'll post a pic

  8. OMG I LOVE saladitos. Have you seen those pansy-ass pinatas they have now where you just pull the string and everything falls out? The non-violent pinata. Gimme a break.

  9. You know Bee..

    I can tell that this is a story about gifts from the past, because if you'd try to wear something like that NOW we'd be reading about you and your broken back the next day!

    Still quite the funny post!

  10. A five foot crucifix? AWESOME! I think that's what I'm going to buy for my MIL this year.

    Also? LA Gear!!?? Bee, you gave me a giant flashback! Combine that with the fact I was looking for leg warmers online last night and I'm totally ready to cut it footloose!

  11. the flashbacks... they kill me.

    You wore THOSE shoes... HAHAHAHAHAHA...

  12. Nancy:
    Yeah... do that and I'm giving your daughter a drum set.

    I was very into Madonna.
    "beat his manhood with a piñata stick" YIKES! I'll see if I can find him on facebook to ask him how it's hanging.

    Very tasteful indeed!

    Ha ha! I agree.

    Do those guarantee I look taller? Because it would worth it then.

    Sadly, I don't have as much jewelry as I did in the 80s but you're welcome to send me some! ... Just no crucifixes. :o)

    jean knee:
    That cross you wore, did it stop you from doing... stuff?

    I used to pop the salditos in my lime freezie from Circle K. That was the best!

    Well, Flavor Flave still wears those big clocks around his neck. But then that's the only thing he has going for him...

    Oh man! I had my LA Gears all nice and clean all the time! I really had a pair exactly like those in the picture. I drew the line at leg warmers though, too hot for Cali.

    IT WAS THE 80s!

    I also wore neon and leggings. ::shiver::

  13. How awful - as if there isn't enough religious symbolism at Christmas already ;-)

    I wonder if he's written the same story in a blog somewhere?

  14. ughhh dood!

    Tomahto planter!

    Get creative!

    By the way, I apologise for that K mart incident.


  15. Drum set!


    Great idea it willofvourse be at your house next to the piano ;)

  16. If you wear your 5 foot gold crucifix around your neck, I will wear my 5 foot tiny wife around mine and we will strut around in our LA Gear like bad@sses! Holla! My wife will appreciate being worn as jewelry rather being put inside an LV bag. LA Gear is as dreamy as David Hasselhoff's German Baywatch Music Hits. So rad!

  17. Oh how I loved LA Gear...thanks for the memories of shoes past.

  18. Poor kid I'm sure that must of cost more then five bucks, or maybe he stole it from his Abuelita.

  19. ok due to my month of NaNoWriMo, I've been trying to catch up with my usual blogs from the end of October to now... for the past 3 weeks!
    Sorry I'm late in comments... I know people who HATE it when you dig through and comment on old things...
    ANYWAY!... SALADITOS!?!? OMG they have to be one of my FAVORITE things... that and pulpas de temarindo (the brown squishy stuff in the bag??)
    That's all I had to say.

  20. It might have been a shocker that you got the crucifix from that boy, but believe me it's better than getting an actual SHOCKER from him. (Do NOT google that word. Do NOT ask anyone you know what it means. Just be okay knowing that some things are best left unknown.)

  21. Oh Bee, I am sad now. Because the memories you have are the things I used to buy for my kids. Now if you were talking about Penny Loafers and Saddle shoes, I would be all over it.


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