Tuesday, May 6, 2008

Don't tell ME where to put MY stimulus package!

Can we please stop referring to the damn tax check as our Stimulus Package???
Try keeping a straight face when you’re talking to a patient who is excitedly telling you what he’s gonna do with his Stimulus Package!


I didn't laugh, I just sneezed violently into a Kleenex.

Stimulus package!

You know what we’re going to do with ours?
Pay our freakin’ utility bills! Our gas (heating) bill was nearly $400 a month over the winter.

Guess how much our electric bill will be over the summer? Probably $400 a month. And gas (petrol)? Andy fills up every week with $50, me, every other month with $45 so every 3 months we’re spending $690 JUST TO GET TO WORK!

I know what you're going to say "Bee, you don't need to be warm in minus 500 degree weather! You won't freeze, it's all a myth!"

Fuckers should do something about stimulating the hind quarters of the freakin’ Utility/Gas Companies! Preferably with a large metal object the size of a water tower.

Don't get me wrong, I'm glad we're getting it but if they are stupid enough to think we're gonna go spend it on a capricious whim, they've got their heads up their asses. Just sayin'.
That was Rant #1
Rant #2

I was on the phone all day today and I have one question.

Why the long ass extensions??
I call a number and the person's extension is 16874529 where the hell is the person located? Jupiter?? I have to keep looking at the number and my dislexic brain gives me the wrong sequence about 5 times before I get it right!
Oh and the hold information? I DO NOT need to hear I will be dying of heart disease if I'm a woman. Such pessimistic talk should only be reserved for people over the age of 75. Me? I'm young-ish and immortal.

Uh... okay that was more than one question.
Rant #3

Karma is a dirty bitch whore!! Okay, I didn’t mean that. Well, only when she’s Karma-ing me in a bad way is she a dirty bitch whore.

I think I have contracted the horrible restless legs disease!

I might be wrong, I rarely am, but I believe Tazz got it first and infected me.
I would always make fun of him running in place or waving his legs crazily in the air while sleeping.
This always amused me and I’d egg him on by meowing, you know, in case he was dreaming of catching that crazy cat.

Now I find myself doing the same thing only I’m awake! I can't sleep without allot of imaginary ant killing. I wonder if it's becuase of that one Crazy Leg post I did...??? Well I was just kidding KARMA!



I don't have children. Is everybody aware of this fact. Everybody? Even you in the back? Okay.

My dogs ARE NOT my children!
I did not give birth to them!
If I had, it would be one fucked up story to tell!

So don't ask me what my dogs are going to give me for Mother's Day! I love my pets but I know that in the natural order of things, if Armageddon would come and we had nothing to eat, they would sacrifice their lives so that we may live.
If you're dense, this means they would literally become HOT DOGS ON THE GRILL!

That right there tells you I am not their Mother! Humans do not (hopefully) eat their offspring. Next person to ask me what Andy and the dogs are doing for me on Mother's Day will be treated to a smack upside the head!

That is all.

I know you're sick of me asking but I'm sliding down the ranks. Sliiiiiiiding. Please click on Humor-Blogs or I might have to rant about you too. Yes YOU!


I don't watch American Idol but I despise David Archuleta! There. I said it.


  1. FIRST!! Beat that CRAZY EZ!!!

    Mother of dogs??? Who would ask such a thing??

    As if they were getting a stimulus package to shop for you, although that would be an idea imagine if our pets can be dependents.....

  2. Maybe you should start cycling to work? It would let your legs work off their restless energy.

    Or you could do that thing with the roller skates where you hang on to the back of trucks or whatever...

    I for one will not ask about the dogs and Mother's Day - I'm sure you'll tell us on the day anyway, and I can curb my curiosity until then.

  3. You know what's funny? Yesterday I was shopping for Mother's Day stuff and I saw a card that was from the dogs. Blech.
    After I had the girls, I decided that I needed to find myself and went and got a job in this little specialty gift shop in town. One day Chris calls me and tells me that Caroline fell and needs to go to the ER for stitches. I tell my boss I have to leave because my kids on the way to the hospital and she, who had no children but two dogs, said "Listen, you can't leave! Do you see me leave every time one of my dogs get sick?" I told her to F- off and never worked there again.

  4. I saw an American documentary on Greek TV a while back. There was a woman who has a monkey and a son, and she treats the monkey like another child - she baths them together, she has made clothes for the monkey and takes it out with them on trips, etc. She's very clued up and understands that this monkey is a potentially dangerous wild animal (they can suddenly turn nasty and gore people), but she's completely nuts...

    So it doesn't surprise me about the dog's mothers day stuff.

  5. Cards from dogs--the beauty of capitalism!

    And...OMG girl, with a few Coronas, the ranting we could do together! I've ranted a bit on my blog, which has gotten me in trouble in real life and probably scared away potential subscribers. So come on over and click my button so I can pay my bills, too.

  6. bee - are you having your period?

  7. Marisol:
    Hell yeah I should be able to claim the dingy mutts! They cost a fortune in upkeep!

    I’m wise to your British ways!! I know you what you are NOT asking but I know what you're implying!

    I never understand people that compare children to dogs.
    This should be their distinction:

    Dogs kennel= okay
    Kids kennel= jail time

    She is seriously off!

    You had me at Coronas!

    Nope. That's just what I call Tuesday. Living with me is always a barrel of laughs... because the other option is to cry.

  8. the moment I saw that water tower I felt inexplicably happy.

  9. My stimulus package is going straight into the Double Diamond Deluxe slot machine. If there's anything left after that - maybe some food for the kids.

    Happy Mother's Day *woof*woof*


  10. hey bee,

    so, what are your dogs getting you for mother's day?


    rock on,


  11. It's just like the government to give you their stimulus package via direct deposit too. Don't they know your bank account needs a little coaxing first?

  12. If I had dogs, it wouldn't surprise me in the least to think one day, they'd shock me by speaking. Not "bark" speaking, but ACTUALLY speaking. Then I bet they'd tie up my family, scare us a bit by talking about eating us for survival, then run off with our stimulus package and blow $600 on bitches and kibble.

    All that said, I wonder if I should actually be concerned about my living, breathing HUMAN children!

  13. My sis-in-law says she feels it is inappropriate for the government to be "stimulating" us. I agree.

  14. well, what did the dogs get you last year? maybe you should ask for the same thing

  15. Ha...last. I KNEW I could be the last commenter if I really tried. Hmmm...now that I'm thinking about it, I guess everbody is...damn.

    I didn't qualify for the stimulus package so enjoy what I'm obviously too priveledged to get.

    You know...having hot dogs on Mothers Day sort of wraps up that whole subject nicely...

  16. Feel better? I do! Laughter is the best medicine!

  17. luckily you and andy are raking it in by the wheel barrels unlike this poor guy who is barely able to buy beer! i see you have coronas so maybe i’ll come bum some off you.

  18. With Brooke White out of the way David Archuleta gots the Mormon vote all to himself....well, he doesn't have this Mormon's vote, but you know. I like stoner Jason Castro. You can practically see the hazy smoke rings rising up around him every time he sings.

  19. I changed the nuclear waste fall out diapers of my children when they were babies. Cleaning another human being's poop automatically drops them off the list of potential meal possibilities.

  20. We are going to the poor house via Exxon.

    No, that's not true. We can't afford to drive to the poor house. I guess we'll have to walk there. We'll be the naked family with giant barrels hung around our neck with red suspenders to cover our dainties.


    Happy early Mother's Day all.

  22. Bee
    Have a nice Sunday!
    I have a BIG problem wishing happy mothers day to anyone who isn't my mother.

    That's was funny.

    Gross !

  23. Uh oh.

    You should not have called Mrs Karma a bad name.
    I hear she doesn't like that.

    (It was nice knowing you anyway)

  24. I'm buying cookies with my estimulusy package!
    I'll send you a picture of one.

    Make that 1/2 of one.

    Maybe I'll just tell you about it. What's you extension.

  25. Everyone knows all Mormons vote for Archuleta!

    there. i said it.

  26. jean knee:
    It's because it's yellow.

    Nice Alice, very nice!

    I'm gonna go over there and kidnap your little dog!

    ha ha ha!! :o)

    Holy Dog Treats Batman! Don't ever get a dog!

    Johnny;s Mommy:
    That's right! Maybe we should file a lawsuit?

    jean knee:
    I am watching you.

    'too privileged' careful or we'll all come live with you! Or at least I'll send you my dogs.

    Yeah, I kinda do feel better and I'm trying to syphon some of that money to buy a garden fountain. That would make me feel even better! :o)

    Next time Andy and I have a Margarita festival you'll be on the guest list!

    This lady I work with got her money and that day her dishwasher and water heater broke! It's a freaking conspiracy I tell ya'!

    Listen, when the day comes that the dogs pick up their own dog poop and or mine, then I'll stop talking about putting them on the grill.

    Not just Sunday, I'll have a great Saturday too!

    Karma and I? We have our fist fights now and then. She sometimes kicks my booty and I sometimes... cry about it. ;op

    Or! You can send me the cookies! :o)
    I really don't Archuleta. He seems phony to me.


Ask me no questions and I’ll tell you no lies.