I think we found the first anti-social gym.

I made my gym debut last Monday. Or re-debut because I used to be a regular a few years ago, pre-marriage. We joined a smaller, local gym because Bally (jerks) makes me want to travel back in time, find Mr. Bally Ballyetterson and remove his testicles. Yes, I know I could do that in the present but he might be on guard against disgruntled ex gym members.

Anyway, I got myself ready with my brand new Sketchers, my green kisses St. Patrick's Day socks , my AC/DC shirt to balance out my dorky socks and waited for my sister to come pick me up.

We arrived at the gym, I have to admit to having butterflies in my tummy, and the chick that was going to sign me up was the Anti-Bally's Drone. So much so that I think she was trying to discourage me from joining! 

ABD: Are you excited?

Me: Sure.

ABD: I hate it here.

Me and my sister look at each other like saying "huh? did you hear what I heard?"

ABD: I mean, I get up and I'm like 'oh! I have to go to the gym!'

Me: Well uh that... sucks?

ABD: Yeah. So anyway, [she goes into her spiel and takes my hard earned chocolate money] So, go ahead and start working out and I'll have your card ready by the time you're done.

We made our way to the treadmills- (What? I am not a wimp! I haven't worked out in almost a decade! Baby steps!) we pulled out our iPhones and you won't believe me when I tell you but they have a TV on each treadmill! I know, right? That's like straight out of Gattica! I remember back years ago when we could get limited Internet on a stationary bike but you had to pedal like a damn fool to keep it going! Even though I was leaner and meaner back then, it still took a lot of human power to keep the Internet up long enough for a full picture of "Brad Pitt in his birthday suit" to finish loading! The treadmills also have a thingy where you can plug in your ipod/iphone directly to the treadmill(!). So I did and it asked me if I wanted to save my exercise to my phone. This age we live in? Pretty Jettsonesque. I said 'no' because I don't need my phone judging me too and then I began my climb into the Himalayan mountains.

I'm proud to say I walked almost 2 kilometers in 30 minutes. I'm not really sure what 2km translates to here in the states but I'm gonna go with 50 miles.

That sounds about right!

When we finished, we sanitized the machines and made our way to the front desk where I saw many inspirational thought bubbles of people expressing why they exercise. My favorite one was "I do it so I'm ready for the Zombie Apocalypse" then our emo hostess caught our eye and waved my newly laminated card that gives me access to self torture at me. The first thing she asked me?

"Are you ready to quit yet?"

I think I'm gonna like this new gym.

Please tell me your worst birthday story. But nothing sad like "oh, my dog died on my birthday!" because then I will tell you that you suck.

Today is my little sister's birthday.

She turns the grand old age of... twenty-something.

She's getting to that age where we women hesitate to answer truthfully. Except for me. For some reason I start adding years to myself months before my birthday. It could be the old-timers disease everybody keeps talking about.

Anyway, I won't be the one to say how old she is today (but next year she'll be the big THREE-O).

Unfortunately for my little sister, she is spending her birthday at jury duty! Boo! 

Don't misunderstand me, I'm all for people doing their civic duty (as long as it's not me being inconvenienced) but it sucks when you're stuck doing it in the worst part of the city (County Jail!!) on your birthday!

So, lil sis, if you're reading this now, while you're stuck sitting next to an over perfumed man in a business suit who keeps looking sideways at your boobs and a woman smelling of BO and cat urine, please know we're all thinking of you (as we sit in comfortable chairs while sipping coffee).

Happy Birthday, Nancy! And give 'em hell!

That's me and her, she and I,  dressed up for a special occasion I can't recall... a wedding maybe? I'm singing to her and for some reason she's laughing. It can't be my voice?

Also, she is going to kill me when she sees this picture but I think she looks cute with her little curlers and her teddy bear.

P.S.

Nobody make mention of the fact that her birthday is only a few days away from Halloween, okay? I think she's suffering enough right now since she's probably struggling to find a comfortable spot in those crappy plastic chairs while balancing a book and her Mochachacaca from Starbucks.

In the immortal words of Kool and the Gang...

CE----LE-BRATE GOOD TIMES COME ON!!

Today is Brian's Birthday. You may know him as the wise crackin' British dude that likes mocking me on a DAILY BASIS. Okay, maybe not a daily basis because I don't post everyday. No, now that I think of it, it is daily because he will sometimes send me emails such as these:

"IKEA = Hell.... apart from the Swedish meatballs."

I know! How rude, right?  But that's British people for you.

Anyway, last year, I made it known that he was responsible for the Bears losing the Superbowl in '07 because they played on his birthday. (Dan still hasn't forgiven him.)

He holds the dubious honor of being my oldest blog friend that transitioned into real-life-ship. He has seen this place go from ranting, happiness, sadness, weirdness, bizarreness, to whatthefuckness, then to hunger and then to sleepiness... that's probably why he thinks he has the right to say such horrid things about my IKEA.

I feel like he should get some type of medal for putting up with almost 2 years of Bee his birthday but I really suck at photoshopping but I tried my best anyway.

I hope you like it Brian. I felt like a cross between Buffalo Bill and Hannibal Lecter in the making of this medal. Oh, and dont take it personally that she looks a little scared. She just noticed that spider on your shoulder.

Please join me in wishing my dear friend Brian a HAPPY BIRTHDAY!

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In other news, my sister Nancy starts her new job today. She'd been out of work since March of 2008 so she's a tad nervous about reentering the work world. Being the awesome big sister I am, I decided to give her a list of things to avoid so she won't become the office prison bitch.

1-

Take down the leader. This will be the one lady who smiles at you first and wants to "show you around" and then gives you the gossip of the land.

2-

Just because your coworkers have one foot in the grave, do not- DO NOT offer to run the office errands. Let the old biddies exercise their arthritic legs and get the 50lb box of paper themselves.

3-

If they ask for a volunteer to learn somebody else's desk just in case the back up person isn't there, PRETEND YOU'RE HARD OF HEARING and look at your feet (then buy some shoes).

4-

Do not, under any circumstances, have a better relationship with your boss than your supervisor. Unless you want your supervisor to dump extra work on you and then shorten your deadlines.

5-

Try to get along with everybody but don't trust anybody. They are all just waiting stick you in the ass. Except...

6-

... the cool, smartass, short chick. Try to become her best friend and stay on her good side otherwise you might be featured on her blog.

If you have any, please add them to the list.

Congrats Little Sister!! :o)