Monday, February 23, 2009

All about relationships with police non-drama thrown in.

bee n andy zoo

(Look ma' I'm short! When Andy and I go out this is how all our pictures look. I guess next time I should stand on someone's shoulder or maybe just ask them to take our picture.)

Andy and I have had a lot of decisions to make these past few weeks. I don't know if I've ever discussed with you how completely opposite we are when it comes to decision making. I tend to look at an issue and say "Okay, we're doing this." with the authority first born children usually have. Andy, on the other hand, tends to hem and haw and look at things from this angle and that angle and what will happen if the Aztecs are right and the world ends in 2012?

While I'm used to him being this way, I sometimes don't have the extra patience it takes to wait for him to make a decision so I'll GENTLY SHOVE SLAM push him one way or the other. Lately though, he's been pulling the old 'bait and switch' on me.

Last week, I asked him a very important question.
What would he think about asking my youngest brother Rick, his girlfriend and little baby Sofia to rent the upstairs floor since it'll be empty again once my mom moves back downstairs?

This is how our conversations went:

I was thinking of asking Rick to move in upstairs. What do you think?

You mean once your mom goes back downstairs?


Is your mom going to start packing some of her things so we can start the demo in her kitchen?

Yeah but she needs some boxes and newspaper. Maybe some storage crates so her dishes don't break.

Okay, we'll go buy some this weekend. Do we have any cookies left?

I think we do. I'll go check.

And so he distracts me with cookies and never gives me an answer.

A few hours later, I remember we have a conversation pending so I say "Babe, you never told me what you thought about Rick moving in

I thought we discussed this already.

No, you changed the subject to cookies.

Oh. Those were really good cookies. Were they Keebler cookies?

No. They were from Chips Ahoy I think. They were the ones we got on sale 2-1. Back to Rick-

They were really soft. Hey, did you start the grocery list? Write bungee chord on there.

Sure. [goes off to write bungee chord on list, wipes counters, brings in potting soil, forgets about conversation and starts watching The Godfather II, Robert DeNiro at his yummiest!]

Then before bed:

Andy, you still didn't answer my question regarding Rick.

What about Rick?

::sigh:: I'm thinking about asking if he wants to rent the upstairs. Once my mom moves back to her floor it'll be empty again. This will help him out but the extra income is good for us too.

Don't you have clothes and crap in the closets up there?

Yeah, I'll have to put them in plastic bins and maybe sell them at a yard sale.

You should add bins to the grocery list so we don't forget.

I saw the 18 gallon ones at K-mart for $3.99. [goes off to write bins on grocery lists, gets distracted by Mocha who wants to go outside, brings water bottles in from back porch, washes some dishes and has now completely forgotten what the hell she was talking about and goes to sleep]

Next day.

Andy! You still haven't answered me about Rick! We are not doing anything today until you tell me what you think!

I told you I think it's a great idea. [looks at me as if I just reattached my head]

See, what I think happens is that he continues the conversations in his head and then doesn't realize he never vocalize his decisions to me.

I guess it's not his fault that I'm easily distracted but holy Moses! How we ever manage to get anything done around here is a mystery to me!

Anyway, Rick and his girlfriend (and the baby obviously) have been staying with us for a couple of weeks now. He is 26 and she's 22 (I think). It sometimes makes me flinch when I hear the way they talk to each other, which is really not any of my business since Andy and I have had some interesting angry pet names for each other that tamely range from jerkwad to asshole.

Last night, Rick accidentally locked my mom's car when they went out for dinner. Her car doesn't have a remote opener and they couldn't get the key to turn in the lock so they had to walk home to get help. My mom had warned him so I kept hearing his girlfriend say over and over
"I told you. I told you." Being married for close to 800 years and having known a few men before then (by a few I don't mean like a football team, I just mean about uh less than a basketball team I guess)(shhh, don't tell Andy), I can say that men HATE being told "I told you so".

Even though I don't like butting in ::wink::, I said to her "Listen, once somebody, anybody, makes a mistake, the last thing they want to hear is 'I told you so'. If you learn that one thing from me, it'll save you years of aggravation"

Did you see that? How I was all wise Yoda and shit? However, that advice does not apply to me because I have been known to pull a few "I TOLD YOU SOS" outta my... sleeve. It's really one of my favorite phrases along with 'do as I say not as I do'.

I then imparted more of my wisdom to Rick because he kept asking "why me?" when he, my mom and I were in the parking lot of said restaurant trying to open the car door. At 9:30pm. With icicles on my nose. I said to him "Rick? Why not you? Why are you so special that bad shit can't happen to you? Also, I lived through wearing fru-fru flouncy dresses when I was a kid and she (waving towards my mom's general direction where she was hopping from foot to foot) (did I mention it was freezing?) had to give birth to your big head so this is nothing in comparison. Now give me the crowbar so I may smash the window!"

No, don't worry. I didn't break my mom's window. I called the police department and asked if we could leave the car there overnight in which time I would come up with a pipe with hooks so that I may stick it in the car's trunk, like a more painful thermometer and hopefully reach the back door so I may unlatch the lock (this is not my first car stealing rodeo) but they said they could send a squad car over to try and help us open the car.

This worried me a little since I tend to um… disagree with most people of authority and especially policemen because of my bad experiences with the CPD whilst living in Chicago (Seriously, I have some STORIES).

This cop was very nice though and had the car door open in less than 2 minutes!

All in all, the night was a success. My mom's car is still intact, Rick and his girlfriend now are wiser, my mom got some fresh air, Andy got to stay home and I didn't even come close to getting arrested.

And that is how I've lived to be 36.


February 26th is Inappropriate Card Day hosted by Diesel of Mattress Police infamy. I was there last year so I thought I'd do it again this year. I am going to pick one of you out there in I-can't-see-you-land and give you a very inappropriate card. I don't know who will be the unlucky duck but if you'd like to be a contender, leave a "pick me" in the comments and I will eeny meeny miny moe your ass.

Also, if you have a blog, you can join in the fun. Just go over to MP and check the rules or whatever. I never follow the rules so I'm just gonna make my own obnoxious card and send it forth to multiply and prosper.


  1. Funny stuff as always Bee.

    Did you know I have been here to read of your adventures for months?

    Still here and loyal.

  2. Good story about marital communication. But if I had the distraction powers that Andy has, I'd use it to steer away from conversation and get sex, not cookies.


  3. Uh oh. I see myself as Andy.

    And I swear that Hubby says he told me stuff that I don't remember hearing. I think he secretly trying to drive me nuts!

  4. I meant to say "Your inifnite wisdom"!

  5. Yeah, GF and I go through pictures like that -6'5" to 5'4" heights.

    We usually commnicate very well though. I am the authority and she is always right. That works right? lol

  6. EVERY conversation I have is like this. I love those huge 12 gallon bags with the sipper seals.
    let's have icecream.

  7. Humorsmith:
    Thank you but, why so melancholy?

    Ah so John but I have my own nifty set of powers. ;o)

    Ha ha ha! Andy drives me nuts too but it's no secret! :o)

    Your hubs is trying to drive you nuts?

    I am infinitely wisdomess. Thanks for noticing!

    I'm thinking of just carrying around a stool...

    Mmmmm ice cream!

  8. oh look a partial bee sighting tell andy to use a shorter f-stop on his camera hee hee

    your entire family under one roof are you from asia?

    aunt bee had to call barney fife for help thats rich!

    oh dont send me one of those cards my complex is already big enough to fit in a swimming pool

  9. I never get distracted. Bins of cookies? hmm....

  10. That was nice of the cop to open the door. I tried that once and they said they has more important things to do.

  11. okay I just LOL@the pic-you guys are so adorable as a couple love the whole from the nose up

    Today I will officially strike the words 'I told ya so' from my vocab

    pick me

  12. It's good to see that even when I go on vacation, when I come back some things just won't change!

    Great stuff Bee! I need to go clean up my coffee mess on my desk now....

    Oh, and by the way.. Did you see that shiny thing right up over there? No, not that one.. THAT one. Right there!

    Were you saying something earlier?

  13. Nooter:
    Good one on the whole Barney Fife Aunt Bee reference!
    I'd throw you a snak but I only have liverwurst right now.

    Cookies? What cookies?

    I remember which is why I didn't want to call them to help. Once they themselves suggested it I jumped right on that.

    Yeah, I laugh because the very first date we went on is exactly like that one and that's about 11 years old.

    I got ya' down for the card thing. ;o)

    You were only gone a week. It'll take more days than that to change this old dog.

  14. >>>Write bungee chord on there.

    Really - your food store sells musical bungees?

    but anyway - fun post. Thanks


  15. I had that same conversation with myself recently.

  16. David:
    I have no idea what you're talking about... (;op

    Did you eat all the cookies?

  17. Andy is quite skilled at giving the Heisman to issues. Pretty talented. I give him props for his skills despite the lack of action.

  18. That post was entirely about cookies, right?

  19. I'm sorry but Andy sounds exactly like me. Way to communicate you with the Missus, Andy. ;)

    Well, it looks like I've already been nudged out by Georgie for the inappropriate card, but maybe I'll send you and Andy an inappropriate card anyway. Didn't read the fine print. I guess we can only send one. I can think of a lot peoople to whom I'd like to send inappropriate cards such as ex-employers and the like.

  20. Peter just leaves the really important decisions to me, it is easier that way. I am not a happy camper when I don't get my way, and he trusts my judgment anyways.

    However, he did make the final decision about the house we are buying....he is the one that decided to up the asking price a little bit to get the bank to pay all of closing costs, and it worked!

  21. Hey my birthday is tomorrow 2/26 as is my best friend's. I never knew about the inappropriate card thing, maybe it's new or made up, but hey, after a certain age b-days ARE inappropriate. I would welcome inappropriate cards, to go along with the one my mother sent me saying I'm older than dirt. Thanks, mom!

    And although I may be as allergic to marriage as I am to kids, I appreciate reading your posts of marital, um, yeah, that.

  22. Dammit! Dammit! Dammit! Pick me for 2010. And look at you being all mentor-y and shit. Share your wisdom, master.

  23. Great bit on communicating with the spouse. The are of misdirection is a gem. Tell you husband he's got a fan!

  24. Holy Hellions- is this why my husband is always saying, "Why are you asking me that again? I answered you already!" when in reality he either said absolutely nothing or shooed me off with a 'we'll see' ?


Ask me no questions and I’ll tell you no lies.