Wednesday, October 1, 2008

A (future seeing) crystal ball would have been a better gift.

Today is my man's birthday. He turns the BIG THREE TWO and is like fine Pomegranate Juice (actually, PJ doesn't last in my house. we're gonna need to start buying in bulk soon). I met him when he was the young age of 18 and I was the cradle robbing age of 22. What?? I've told you we didn't start dating until he was 21 and old enough to run my liqour errands.

I would like to tell you about the first time we celebrated his birthday as boyfriend and girlfriend since today marks the 10th anniversary of that day. Did you just roll your eyes?? Listen, it was a day for me to remember so I think you should read the whole post while sipping your coffee/martini/yak's blood. Here is what you will learn:

Andy's Grandma calls Bee out

Andy talks shit about Bee's gift

Bee's brother gets arrested

Bee's head explodes

what happens to Andy's Grandma

Andy's dad meets ONE MORE Mexican


Uhmmm... I guess I that told you all you needed to know and I don't need to add more but I will anyway. Trust me when I say this would be an indicator of how our life would turn out.

Since we were a couple of broke fools, our plans were cheap and simple. Go to Water Tower Place, Lincoln Park Zoo, dinner and then cake at his parents' house.

I drove to his house and while we were waiting for his mom to come home so she could watch his Grandma, she had Alzheimers, I gave him his present. I'd gotten him a Kerry Wood jersey, he was supposed to be THE go to guy for the Cubs. He seemed to like it so all was peaches and cream.

When his mom got home, his grandma started yelling at her. Since this was my first time meeting them, I decided to pick up the newspaper and read the funnies so I wouldn't intrude on their family issues. Suddenly, his Grandma starts yelling at me.

"WHY ARE YOU PRETENDING TO BE READING???"

AAAAWKWARD!

We left his house and arrived at Water Tower Place where they have a sports memorabilia store. Andy walked in, saw a signed Kerry Wood baseball and said "This is what you should have got me for my birthday."

Uh-Huh! He sure did say that! He denies it now but my my memory never fails while he can't remember where he parked his car two seconds after locking it.

He bought the ball (which is now worthless since KW turned out to be more breakable than Elijah Price)
(at least the jersey still looks good but whatever!) and we moved on to the Zoo.

It was a perfect fall day and we were having a nice romantic time -while the caged monkeys were throwing feces at us- when my cellphone rang (yup this was 10 years ago and I had a cell, I've always been this cool)
.

Deep voice:
Is this Bianca Lastname? This is Officer Soandso. We'd like to inform you we have your 16 year old brother Rick in custody for possession of 2 bags of marijuana. We need you to come pick him up so he may be released to your custody.

You see, October first also marks the anniversary of my youngest brother Rick's birth
. My youngest brother who decided to celebrate his birthday by buying a couple of dime bags of pot and sit in an alley to smoke up with his "dawgs".

I told the officer I would be there and he let me know I needed to pick him up before 8pm otherwise he'd be transferred to Cook County Lock Up.

Decisions decisions...

So Andy and I went for pizza... I'm serious! I had a good 3 hours before he got shipped so I was gonna eat my freakin' pizza! He needed to learn a lesson anyway.

When we finally got to the police station, I was metal detected and frisked. Niiiiiice lil' bro! It's always been my dream to get felt up by a 400lb white guy! I signed a paper that said he was going to be my responsibility until he turned 18 and they brought the lil' convict over.

I have to admit it was a bit heart wrenching to see him walk over without shoes and pulling up his 30-sizes-too-big pants up his bony ass. They remove their shoes and belts so they don't use the laces or belt to strangle others or themselves. A little fact I could have gone my whole life without needing to know.

In the car, after I yelled at him for about half an hour, his response was:

"Yo' man! What's the big deal? It was just weed!"

My head exploded.

We dropped him off at my house and headed to Andy's parents' house for yummy cake. This was going to be the first time I was meeting his dad too so I was a little nervous -in a "I hope he doesn't say anything to piss me off!" kinda way-. I didn't want to be rude and spill anybody's blood on my first day. I was also dreading seeing his grandma again.

Much to my (and Andy's) surprsie, we were informed they had taken his grandma to a nursing home THAT SAME DAY!

Right now you're thinking "Phew! What a long day but at least it's over and you can just sit down and enjoy some cake!"

Really? Do you guys read this blog on a regular basis?? You should know things are never as easy or piece of cake if you will.

And now, the first conversation I ever shared with Andy's dad---

Future father in law:
You don't look Mexican!

Bee:
Ummm... Is that a compliment or an insult? You have to help me out here because I don't know how to take that.

FFIL:
I was just making an observation.

Me:
O-kaaaay.

FFIL:
I worked with a Mexican once.

Me:
... Con-- Congratulations?

FFIL:
He would always say "Jahnnie, ju're doin dis rong Jahnnie!" [::blinks::] He was a nice guy though.

Bee:
I'm glad my people have been good to you.

I was expecting him to ask "Do you know him?" next but he didn't. I think my future mother-in-law might have kicked him under the table.

So yeah, the evening did end well (by Andy and I making out in his gangway before I left) and the rest is history because we lived Happily-Ever-Sometimes.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY MY BELOVED ANDY AND MY (STILL SOMETIMES PAIN IN THE BUTT) LITTLE BROTHER RICK*!

*Rick is now 26 and a baby girl will make him a daddy in January. All I'm going to say is, I hope you name your first frown wrinkle after me. :op

P.S.
JINKSY (from Extremely Funny which is always... well, extremely funny)! You hit the nail on the bitch head!! From now on, playing the roll as Office Manager at Arkham Asylum, Omarosa!

P.P.S
I'll be incommunicado for a few days since my stupid work computer still doesn't have internet access so I'll see you guys on Friday!

Humor-Blogs

25 comments:

  1. Sorry, I think I read the first paragraph, stopped, rolled my eyes twice, scrolled down, caught myself pretending to read, scrolled a little more, rolled my eyes again and then skipped to the comment section, haha.

    The Big Three Two huh, well, just dont break down crying when you hit forty like Im planning to do in 16 years, haha.

    buzz buzz

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  2. You made out in an ALLEY!

    I'm so proud.

    SIL
    Marie

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  3. awww, Happy Birthday Andy even though you prolly won't read this.

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  4. I didn't know you were Mexican!! This changes everything. I don't know if I can be a fan of jur blog anymore. ;)

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  5. Is it wrong that I was LMAO@ grams callin you out and monkeys throwing poop at ya'll?

    Happy Birthday to the Boys in your life-may they never grow up!

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  6. Gangway? Is that what we're calling it now?

    :)

    Happy, happy birthday to Andy!

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  7. HAPPY BIRTHDAY ANDY!!!

    That was, in a way, actually kind of a sweet post Bee. Did you mean it to be that way?

    You know, I hate it when people do that where they think because you're some race or from a certain place that you must know everyone. I once had a guy in Arizona say to me "I knew a guy once from West Virginia. His name was Jimmy something. Do you know him?" I asked him where Jimmy was from and he said he wasn't sure. Evidentally, he must have thought that all the state is the size of a closet.
    Asshats.

    FRIDAY?????? What day is it today? Oh, I just looked and it's Wednesday. Yeesh, when did Wednesday get here? I lost two whole days! I gotta go do something before Wednesdays gone too. I think I'll take a nap.

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  8. "MY HEAD EXPLODED"

    ha ha ha... i found that ridiculously funny...

    and yeah, i was pretending.

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  9. I have to admit.. quite funny Bee!

    You should give a couple more of those historic stories, just so that we can laugh at someone else's misfortune!

    (kidding)

    Happy b-day and anniversary!

    You have my permission to go buy a dime bag if you so choose!

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  10. I can honestly say that I've never celebrated a birthday quite like that before. And holla to the sassy Granny. Also, I totally remember Kerry Wood. He was a big deal even a couple of years ago.

    Happy Birthday, Andy! You have a kick ass woman by your side.

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  11. Well I feel cheated. All that detail about everything until you got to what you and Andy did in the alley. humph. Anyway, Happy Birthday to a lucky man! (I should say 2 lucky men)

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  12. (laughing) Hilarious and fun post~

    Happy Birthday Andy and Rick.

    Today is also my son's birthday~ :))

    Cheers~

    Annie

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  13. WOW! all I can say is ho-ly-crap!

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  14. Wow...you make me feel like my life is normal.

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  15. Today, I will respond to your comments with only one word.

    Brian:
    Hi.

    FLy"
    Doh.

    Marie:
    ALLEGEDLY!

    Jean knee:
    Nope.

    Kirsten:
    Whitey.

    Georgie:
    Funny.

    FADKOG:
    Tight.

    Tracy:
    Thursday.

    Tracy:
    Sidewalk.

    Orion:
    What?

    Jormengrund:
    Thanks!

    Jenboglass:
    Amen!

    Bill:
    Condom.

    Annie:
    Thanks!

    Sandy:
    Yuuuuup!

    Humorsmith:
    Really???

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  16. Happy B-day to the hubby. That poor, poor man.... :)

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  17. Good one Andy. So Bee, what did you get him this year?

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  18. Thanks for all the happy b-days everyone!

    That was a pretty crazy day......

    (and I never said that about the gift I received :P)

    A gangway is that walkway in-between 2 house that leads from the front yard to the back yard. ( just so no one gets confused here)

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  19. The big 32.

    Now what are u going 2 call 40?

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  20. The big 32.

    Now what are u going 2 call 40?

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  21. Happy Birthday, Andy.

    On a side note, sweet! I won!

    So, not to sound like a selfish conceited bastard, what's my prize?

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  22. Happy belated b-day Andy! Quit saying the big 3-2...that's makes my age the dreaded 3-8.

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  23. That wasn't that bad of a family meeting. It would have been worse with Italians... My grandfather would have referred to you as a spic several times and would have probably checked to see if your back was wet.

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Ask me no questions and I’ll tell you no lies.