Sunday, October 26, 2008

The De-evolution of my dancing...

I've been told that when I was a wee little Bee, I would run with my legs straight without bending my knees.

Yeah. Everyone, who is at least 10 years older than me, loves LOVES telling me about my weird robot running. Ha ha! What a freakin' riot it was to see me chasing butterflies! Don't worry, that was my only defect, in every other way I was (AM) perfect.

Then I grew up and had to do track, jump hurdles, pole vaults and other body torturing exercises in school so I learned to bend my knees and became a part of the agile, rhythmically blessed population.

My newly learned knee bendiness came in handy in my teen years because I come from a Festive Mexican family who loves parties. What's a party without music? Why have music if not to dance?

So I learned to groove with the best of them. My hips would move like this and that. My feet moved my legs and my upper body followed the rhythm. All appropriate body parts were always in sync.

This skill came in handy in my 20s when I was hitting the clubs scene. Ahh so many memories, so much fun.

As I'm aging, I've noticed that my groove (but not the
Stella groove) has either been replaced with Ed Grimley's or it was just killed and buried in an avocado orchard.

Now I find myself dancing, only when I'm alone, to my old-school (as in 90s jams) music and looking like I'm trying to crush and/or kick invisible insects.

I know I can still find the rhythm because I tap my foot at all the right places. I do a mean upper body jam while sitting on a chair but if I get up and try to move all my limbs at once in time to the music? DEH! FAIL!

I need to know what happened, did someone substitute my bone marrow by injecting concrete?? Is it something I can fix? Maybe I can have a Elainebenisdectomy?

Do you know how sad this makes me? I go to parties, such as the one I attended this past Saturday where my brothers nearly broke their backs by break-dancing (by the way, the peer pressure to have me drunk was unbelievable! I just love how the family will unite for one goal and then mercilessly taunt me by saying "if you don't have a drink, you're old!" for crapsake people! it's like we're living in the 90s again and you are my booze buddies!)(I'm also happy to report that, due to my Mojito training of this past summer, I DID NOT GET HALF AS DRUNK AS THE LIL BROTHERS! HA! In your faces!), and see the young 'uns tearing it up, I die a little inside.

I've been living with this secret for a few years now. While I'm glad I got this off my chest, I hope you will be compassionate enough not to mock me.


While removing the potting soil from my terracotta pots so that I may store them for the winter, I came across many little nuts like these.

The damn squirrels have been ruining my plants the whole season to store their little winter stash. They've destroyed many beautiful flowers and my pepper plants MY PEPPER PLANTS the little habaneros and jalapeños did not even have a chance to burn anyone's butt on their way out!

When I was putting all the nuts in a container, my beloved husband said "You do realize they're counting on those nuts, right? If you take them, some may not make it through the winter."

My response? Payback, she is a bitch, no??

What? I never said I was nice!!



  1. Suzy:
    HA ha! That looks so funny!
    I have had the pleasure of de-nutting others and I have to say, I've never given them back. ;op

  2. You can't possibly believe how my mind was getting ahead of your writing when I read the sentence "My newly learned knee bendiness came in handy in my teen years because..."

    Alas, I was hoping for too much. Thanks for a great post though. I looked all over for a video of the "elaine benes" dance when I was writing a post one day, but to no avail. Kudos for your find.

  3. This post is so sad :(

    Poor little Bee with her knee impediment :(

    And then the poor little habaneros and jalapeños :(

    And then the poor little squirrels, dead -in the freezing Chicago winter- from starvation, their little claws, weak from havng no nurishment, raised towards the heaves as if saying "where are my nuts?!?! I put them here! I know I did...*DEAD*" :(

    So sad.

  4. Maybe it's a second childhood...

    I'm sure there are too many squirrels anyway, so you were right to denut them. You need to fortify your garden a bit - perhaps get Andy to put in an electrified fence - fry a few of the buggers.

    Are squirrels edible?

  5. I was thinking just like Brian until I read NCS' comment and now all I can see is the little rodent paws reaching toward the sky.


  6. As a kid, I was told I leaped like a deer.

  7. I was all sympathy till you screwed the squirrels (metaphorically speaking). I'm with Suzy, put the nuts back.

    Doesn't matter how you dance - as long as you dance.

  8. LMAO I'm like you Bee. I look freakin' awesome sitting in my car jammin' to tunes, but make me stand -- and suddenly nothing jams together anymore. If you figure it out, please share!

    Oh, and as far as I know there is no shortage of squirrels -- so those little buggers are on their own! :D

  9. Um, how tiny are those terra cotta plants?! Is that to scale with the nuts? (that's what she said...)(heh!)(ok, it didn't REALLY fit) (that's hat she said!)(but I have a need to say it!)

    Anyway, back to point, honey, I feel your dancing pain. Just minus the mojitos, which, actually, might make dancing openly for others (but not like THAT!) might help.

  10. you know it's weird, salsa is the ONLY kind of dancing i can do. and then only after a margarita or two.

  11. You should fill the nuts with hot pepper. That'll teach them!

    As for the dancing, I never really did get into it much. No sympathy from this corner.

  12. I dance well about twice a decade. The rest of the time I just look badly animated.

    Not to worry. Enough drinks and it doesn't matter!

  13. I have no choice, i must dance. If i don't ...then i'm the fun sucker outer person of the group.

    I'm not a bad dancer, but i like to pretend to be... in order to embarrass my group.

    nobody can do the "sprinkler" quite like me :)

  14. Those damn takes some big nuts to mess with you!

  15. Paws. Squirrel AllianceOctober 27, 2008 at 4:12 PM

    Please don't send us to squirrel heaven...we haven't finish our earthly nut gathering!

  16. They way I see it, they're on your property.

  17. It's okay that you can't dance anymore! I could never dance in the first place, so it doesn't bother me at all!

  18. Bee! Think of the ripples! If you don't put the nuts back, the squirrels can't take them home and what if they have babies?
    Also, if it makes you feel any better, the peppers probably burned the squirrels butts on the way out.

    Reading this, it reminded me of Forrest Gump dancing in the movie. Remember when he and JennnAAAYYY were dancing to Sweet Home Alabama and he was all stiff? Not that I'm saying you look like Forrest Gump when you dance, that's just what I thought of.

  19. Perhaps you never really could dance. Perhaps you just thought you could when you were in your teens and twenties because of the arrogance that comes with those times of life... Perhaps...

  20. so would it be a bad idea to have a dance-a-thon to raise awareness of your plight?

    btw, for a little nutty squirrel revenge--soak nuts in jalapeno juice, set outside for hungry squirrels :P

  21. Doug:
    I was a very well behaved teenie bopper. I have no idea what you mean...

    HI NCS!! HI!
    I'm sorry it made you said but I'm okay. My knees still bend.
    Don't be sad about the squirrles, when one days, an angel gets its wings.

    True story.

    YEAH!! I knew you'd be cool with the extinction of the freakin squirrels that torment me!!
    I would need to hire another electrician to do the job since the one I own would rather do carpentry or other exciting stuff like tying stings on flies.
    And yes, Bear has taught us that their edible.

    jean knee:
    This from a woman with a dead fish named cupcake in her freezer...

    A deer is better than a weird rusty robot. :o)

    No. No. No.

    Yessss! I shall make a squirrel coat and wear it to the zoo!

    Ha ha! That's my terrarium, the only place I have good lighting.
    For some reason, not even drinking helps my dancing.

    I wish I could be back in my dancing days. The cardio was awesome!

    Excellent idea!

    You know, guys dancing uh, badly isn't a big deal to me but for some reason, if a girl dances bad, it just seems wrong.
    Although the drinks do help.

    Hmmm. Maybe that's what I'll do too! I'll dance bad "on purpose"!

    They will be dead next year. Mark my words.

    Keep reaching squirrels!!

    Yuuup! Unless they start helping me pay the mortgage, they're trespassing!

    Lucky! The rhythm got me and the dumped me like yesterday's trash!

    Squirrel babies?? The little bald rats??

    And that's how I dance. Like Forest Gump's less coordinated sister.

    I'm still arrogant now!

    Ha ha! Yeah! A dance-a-thon would be awesome! I would just be standing by the wall, swaying.

  22. You know, I don't know what happens, but as we age, we become un-hip and start reverting back to using words like "un-hip" when there's totally a super-cool new word on that would way better describe what we've become. You think I was joking about my dance face and my son. NO. From birth until age three, that dude had mad skills. His mom WAS a breakdancer. He had rhythm. But now? He just bends and claps, back and forth. It's just sad. Maybe he's been watching me and my "snazzy" moves. Maybe we are truly the best dancers when we are small. Who knows. I hope you get your groove back. Right now? I'd settle to be half the dancer that Elaine is. Also, "snazzy" is a cool word. I'm going to bring it back.

  23. If I dance, it will inevitably end with someone having to lift me up off the ground because I'm too arthritic to "get down".


Ask me no questions and I’ll tell you no lies.