Tuesday, June 15, 2010

Enemies? I have MANY stinkin' enemies!

I walked into work Monday morning with the same cheerful attitude I reserve for such special occasions like tooth extractions and Sci-Fi movies. Glynda stopped me right before I walked into my office and told me I  had to use Purple Dino-SOUR's old desk because someone threw a rock through my window and broke the outside glass. I thought she was joking because I'm so freaking adorable so who would want to break my window??


They called the cops and since the perp only targeted one window, MY WINDOW, I was then interviewed by the counties finest. window 2Humorless cop and Norm.

Humorless Cop: Can you think of anyone who would want to cause you harm?

Me: I can think of a lot of people [I wink at Norm who cackles] but I also know they're too lazy to figure out where I work, specifically where I sit and then stop by on a weekend to break my window.

HC: [stare-y frown-y face] What is your occupation?

Me: I work in medical billing.

HC: Any angry patients?

Me: No, not that I know of but I don't handle the patients. I deal with insurance companies AND attorneys, can they be suspects?

HC: [non-blink-y stare] Not if they haven't ever threatened you. Any exes who may have any grudges?

Me: No. I dated my husband for 3ish years and we've been married for 9 years so there wouldn't be any *exes* who would harbor a grudge for 12 years. [to Norm] Unless I have a child an ex didn't tell me about!

Norm: ::pfft pfft hee hee:: ::cough cough::

HC: What about your husband? Are you happily married?

Me: As happy as is normal. [to Norm] Well, he DID say he was going to post on the Internet that he was going to shoot me when the Blackhawks were losing . . . but he doesn't own a gun or know how to post anything on the Internet.

HC: Is that another one of your jokes?

Me: Ehh, no, but thanks for the ego boost. He plays Call of Duty a lot so I think he carries it over into reality.

HC: Do you know if your husband may have any, err, *girlfriends* or any other type of *intimate friend* who may be jealous of you?

Me: If I knew he were cheating on me, you and I would be having a different kind of conversation. Mainly you would be asking me why I hit my husband with a frying pan. [to Norm] And that's the edited version!

HC: [angry mean face] Mrs. C-R, I am not a security officer, I am a police officer. It's not wise to tell me your husband said he was going to shoot you or that you're going to hit your spouse with a pan or anything else. [::gulp!::] So you don't know anyone who would be sending you any type of warnings?

Me: In all seriousness, no. I think it's just a fluke that the vandals broke my window. Hey, can I keep the rock they threw?

window rock

HC: [growl-y face] No.

Norm [whispers]: I'll see what I can do.

Me [whisper back]: It's like a trophy!

We giggle as the cop gives us an evil stare.

I know it's a serious situation people! How do I know it's serious? Because they almost broke my coffee cup.

window 3

Evil bastards!


  1. Those jerks! (cops)

    The Search

  2. I bet all those lawyers you've pissed off have had a whipround and taken out a contract on you.

    You need to hire a team of bodyguards. And get a bulletproof car, and never use the same route twice to work (by next month you'll be going via Nebraska). Either employ a personal food taster, or sucker the bats into trying a bit of everything you're about to eat. Bulletproof vests are very cumbersome to wear, but at least you work behind a desk.

    Oh, and make sure that your work area is checked for explosives by sniffer dogs every time you've been away from it. Get them to check everything. A boobytrapped mouse is a particularly effective tool in the modern assassin's toolbox (it's a bit like playing minesweeper for real - one wrong click and Boom).

    I hope you've adequate life insurance (not that anyone'll sell you any after what's happened).

    Above all, don't worry. They didn't get you the first time, so they might be too incompetent to succeed at the next attempt.

  3. I'm so glad your coffee cup was not injured!

  4. Hey, if nothing else, it makes for great blog fodder. Thanks, vandals. Wink and a :) to them.

  5. did they dust the rock for finger prints?

  6. NOT THE COFFEE CUP!!!!! The bastards.

  7. HOLY SHIT...fuck with my coffee cup and my shiv comes out swinging!

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  9. Wow, no sense of humor whatsoever. He wouldn't even give you half a smile?

  10. You're gonna get that Andy of yours arrested some day. Post about it, will you!

  11. Anybody who can continue firing up jokes into the blank stare of HC is my hero. Funny stuff.


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