Tuesday, November 17, 2009

Once upon a time there was a family of ugly globs living in my lungs...

http://images.usatoday.com/money/_photos/2006/03/20/inside2-adtrack-mucinex.jpg http://observantbystander.files.wordpress.com/2007/05/mucinex-conga.jpg

It all started on Friday THE THIRTEENTH ooh spoooooky!

I came down with some bug. Last year I was rarely sick but it seems this year will be the year of the Funkyflus for me.

As you may or may not know, you simply cannot be sick while working at the Asylum. People immediately start shielding themselves from you and spraying every area you touch with bleachlike substances. While your hand is still touching the object! I don't know why they treat people like pariahs when they're ill. With the exception of OZ, it's not like we go out licking unsanitary hookers on purpose!

So, I decided to keep my illness (which I believe was passed on to me by that evil OZ!) on the down-low. Unfortunately for me, at the earliest sign of any illness, my voice is the first to go. Added to that, I have this creepy cough that I haven't been able to get rid of for over a month. That cough has irritated my throat and, I'm assuming because I am not a licensed professional, my vocal chords. So instead of my sweet HIGH PITCHED voice OF A NINE YEAR OLD, I sound like a 1920s hustler whose had too many cigarettes, booze and good times. The voice is a little less Mae West and a lot more Elmer Fudd-y. I will call this my alter ego and name her Lullibell. What the hell was I talking about? Oh right! I'm sick.

I went to work and as soon as I said something, everyone pounced on me.

"Are you sick?"
"Sounds like something's cookin'!"
"Your hair looks great!"

I told them I felt fine but I felt a little congested. Immediately Glynda told me to go home. Since I no longer have any more time off left in the season, I told her that I would go home if they paid me for the day. She stared at me blankly and said "No, but I don't want you to give it to us" and that's when I said "This is harassment!" no I actually told her that if she did not get it from kissing OZ's ass, then she wouldn't get it from me.

I struggled the whole day to appear healthy but once I got home that evening, my bravado evaporated. I sat on the sofa coughing and whimpering, waiting for Tom Cruise to come heal me. Bastard never showed.

I managed to run some errands on Saturday but on Sunday all I did was wallow in self pity, vowing to make the world a bitter place if I came out of this alive.

On Monday, I called in sick because I had trouble sleeping and I knew I would look like a zombie on meth and therefore be judged by the bats because even though looking like zombies on meth is their permanent look, it's unacceptable for me to come down with any illness. I decided to stay home and rest. I slept until 2pm. TWO PM! It was almost dinner time! I felt better, still a little cough-y but the headache and lightheadedness were gone.

Join me in the present day, Tuesday, where I'm driving to work and practicing my 'good mornings' because I don't want my voice to sound all scratchy when I greet Glynda.

First, I sounded like Lurch  "Good morning!" nope try again "GOOD MORNING!" that sounded like Jack McFarland on helium. Bring it down a few notches "Good morning!" now I'm Oscar the freaking Grouch! Good, I'm getting closer! I would be able to fool people into thinking I was 100% better and they wouldn't irritate me with their obnoxious insinuations of me infecting the whole office thereby taking years off their lives. I high fived myself in the rear view mirror and that's when I realized . . .

My life? Pathetic.


  1. first! nah my life is waaaaayy more pathetic than yours. just read my blog.

    sorry about the disease and all

  2. You haven't seen a pathetic life until you've seen mine...oh wait. This isn't about me. So sorry you're not feeling 100%. I hope you feel better soon. Trying to work when you're sick is no fun at all. Take care and hang in there. I'm sending good thoughts your way. :)

  3. Those buggers moved into my lungs this week. Awesome. I so love having to go to work without a voice and then scaring the customers with either my creepy no-voice or the germs they feel I am radiating on them.

  4. I just sprayed my keyboard with a bleachlike substance while reading this....

    Just kidding. Your co-workers are such a joy.


  5. There is so much crap going around this winter. I've been sick twice already, and my daughter is on her third try, and it seems like it's the SAME freaking bug over and over. Sorry you don't have any time off left. That has to suck. =(

  6. You should go round spraying them with bleachlike substances any time that you touch them or breathe on them. For their own good, of course.

  7. I like the idea of you sounding like a 1920's hustler, I think ... Marlboros and a derringer. Very you, I've decided (no idea why).

  8. I've got the stuffed up nose thing and spent yesterday in bed which did ABSOLUTELY NOTHING for me. Feel better and stop copying my diseases.

  9. Hope you get better. Your voice could be like Louie Armstrong. That would be better than Oscar the grouch or a 1920's chain smoking harlot.

  10. I can totally empathize. I was out from work for about 5 days, my coworkers kept telling me to go home.

    But today... I finally got my steroid nasal spray... that should take care of the last bit of goo left in my system. Ha!

    Feel better Bee!


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