From the same people who brought you Interview with a Vegetarian, Bee’s Musings presents: Interview with the guy that I think is the building manager but he might just be an alien.

I decided to interview Norm, the guy who walks around outside and inside of our building with a dust pan, broom, a bunch of keys, a pager, a walkie-talkie and an earpiece. I wanted to ask him WHY the walls to the asylum were yet to be finished since they started the job a couple of weeks ago.
And also, did he have any new bathroom stories for me?

This interview was a little trickier since A) The interviewee likes to go an on and on and on B) He wears shirts almost open to his belly button C) He is too old and um chubby to wear shirts almost open to his belly button  D) HE DOESN’T KNOW I’M INTERVIEWING HIM

Bee: Nice weather we’re having, right? [What? I can’t just walk up to him and start! I need to ease in to this thing so he doesn’t get suspicious.]

Norm: Yes but I can’t wait until it’s 90 degrees out there. I hate wearing a coat! [and yet that is the only thing that keeps me from gagging]

Bee: How do you think the bulls are going to do? [He likes the bulls.]

Norm: Bah! We need Michael Jordan to come back!

Bee: Uh but he’s like 87, what if he breaks a hip?

Norm: Girlie! He is not 87! If Jordan is 87, how old do you think I am? [What is it with people trying to take over the interview??]

Bee: That’s irrelevant to our conversation, Norm. Did you find any more birds in the penthouse? [the 4th floor which is used for storage]

Norm: No, but you’re gonna love this! PROMISE NOT TO TELL ANYBODY??

Bee: I promise not tell anybody that works here.

Norm: [he looks at me sideways so I look back at him front ways] Promise?

Bee: OKAY! [Fingers crossed]

Alright, everyday at about 1:30 the pediatrician’s office on the 3rd floor heard a strange banging noise directly above their waiting room. By the time I would get around to checking it, the noise would be gone and I never saw anything unusual [it takes Norm about half an hour to respond to a page].

When we figured out that it was always at about the same time, I made a point of being in the area once the noise started so I could go check on it. I figured it might be a vent kicking in and the vibrations maybe making some boxes shake.

I got to the penthouse [in my experience, the penthouse is always noisy] and unlocked the storage space for the plastic surgeon’s office because that’s where the noise was coming from and went in I WAS EVEN WHISTELING A NICE TUNE FOR CRIPES SAKE! [he looks around, I look around, he leans in, I am made aware he had meatballs for lunch] when I saw the plastic surgeon and his assistant bumping uglies!

Bee: Holy crap Norm! You had it right when you said banging noises!

Norm: What kind of language is that young lady?

Anyway, the assistant screamed, I backed out of there faster than you can say applesauce and ran down the stairs. I was not waiting for no elevator! About an hour later, I get a page from the plastic surgeon’s direct line. I called him and he asked me to come on over.

I didn’t know what to expect I thought ‘if he tells me I shouldn’t have gone in without his permission so help me I’ll plant his overstretched face through the window’ but no, he asked me if there was anything he could do for me.

Bee: Like he would be your own personal Santa Clause here’s a car ‘do for you’ or did he mean money wise?

Norm: I thought money wise but then he asked ‘is there something you want changed or removed from your person?’ I told him it wasn’t necessary since it’s none of my business how he gets his jollies but all I asked was that he stop taking his romantic interludes up there because the children were now even more afraid to go to the doctor because they thought the building was haunted.

Bee: I can’t believe you didn’t take his offer to fix you up. Not that there’s anything wrong with you…

Norm: At my age what do I need? I mentioned it to the wife and she said she would have liked less wrinkles on her face but I did the right thing.

Bee: Do you think you can tell him I’m your daughter? Maybe he could hook me up.

Norm: Don’t talk nonsense!

Bee: It must be fun to have your job Norm. You have all the cool gossip.

Norm: Fun?? Follow me.

Bee: Where are going? Ooh! Do I get to look at the surveillance monitors?

Norm: No. Stop asking. You see this here? Some woman dropped a plant and just left all this dirt here. You think that’s fun? She couldn't even pick up the pine cone!

Bee: Eww it almost looks like somebody didn’t make it to the bathroom in time!

Norm: Exactly! Then I have them complaining about the fact that we changed the toilet tissue. THIS ISN’T THE HILTON FOR CRIPES SAKE!

Bee: If it makes you feel any better, I didn’t even notice the paper change.

Norm: Hey help me out will ya? That boney lady who works in your office, you know the one who fell off the toilet? Tell her to stop asking me when they’re going to finish the painting! I swear if one more person asks me I’m going to place my foot in their delicates! [oh-oh that sounds mighty ouchy for my delicates]

Bee: No problem, Norm. I’ll tell her to stuff it! I mean so what if the walls look in disrepair? That’s not anybody’s business but yours! So what if I want to bring a paint brush and add a streak of red just so I don’t have to look at the old ugly brown? Doesn’t mean I will. So what—

Norm: All right you wisenheimer. I’m currently having a dispute with the painters if you must know. I told Ollie [not the painter’s real name I just like the name Ollie] to paint the walls a nice Silver and instead he gives me Pewter so they painted the other walls Silver to show me there was no notable difference and I disagreed by telling them they could go climb a tree ass backwards since that’s how they do everything else. It turns out that all painters were fathered by the
same dog so no one will come out and fix it.

Bee: [I nod] I think you presented a very reasonable argument.

Norm: ::shrugs:: Remember, don’t tell anybody!

Then he walked into his “ “ office “ “ and closed the door to our interview. I’m not sure but I think I lost the reins somewhere after Michael Jordan.

I also found it interesting that on my next trip tot he bathroom, he still hadn't picked up the dirt outside of the ladies' room door. I went back and took a picture so you guys could appreciate what he goes through.

The End.

If you missed it:

Interview with a Vegetarian.

Norm!

I was walking to the mailbox located in the building today and I saw Norm standing by the entrance. Having a lot of work to do but not really caring, I went over to say hi and see if there was anything new.

Me: What's shakin bakin?

Norm [looks at me sideways]: Who are you, Chuck Woolery?

Me: Who?

Norm: Never mind. I can smell the weather changing. Pretty soon I'm gonna have a couple of hundred people ragging on me because of the icy parking lot.

Me: jerks.

Norm [shrugs]: You can't please everybody. Some people complain that we drop too much salt and [uses high pitched whiney voice] their pretty shoes are getting ruined. I ask them all if they fell on their heads one too many times and think they're living in Hawaii. This is Chi-freakin-cago for cripes sake! Know that when you walk out the door your ass may be skating through the parking lot.

Me: I bought sensible winter shoes last year to prevent exactly that.

Norm: The plastic surgeon used to give me a lot of guff. I'm interested to see if he says anything this year. If he does I'll say "Dr, you and I can both appreciate being between a rock and a hard place." HAHAHAHAHA!! Get it?

Me: Will you yell at me if I say 'no'?

Norm: Do I have to spell it out for you? A rock? A hard place? I caught him shnooping his assistant? Come on! I've been practicing that for months!

Me: That is way far off, Norm. Maybe say something like "Are you worried your assistant will hurt her knees?" Eh?? That ones free.

Norm: That makes no sense. Hey, what is with that pale woman who works in your office? She plugged the toilet and kept flushing until it overflowed!

Me: Whaaa?? When? Which pale one?

Norm: The one who walks with her butt up in the air [Milton!]. I was coming out of the utility room and she bumped into me and told me the toilet overflowed
and then proceeded to give me a detailed description of what she'd done in there! That woman is a nugget away from the chicken farm!

Me: ::blink blink:: . . .  . . .  BWAHAHAHAHAHA!

Norm: I asked her why she kept flushing! If the water wasn't going down, it was going to come UP! How many fancy colleges did she go to?? She said she thought that with enough [air quotes] "momentum" it would be fine. I said, "Lady, a plugged toilet doesn't fix itself!" but the worst part was that she wanted to help me fix it then clean it up. She kept trying to take the mop until I told her she was violating building codes. Then she just stood there watching me. I
had to pretend someone called me so that I could walk away.

Me: Yep. She is persistent.

[Suddenly he straightens himself up and starts yelling at an old man.]

"Hey! Make sure you don't drive over the curb this time, okay?"

[Old man ignores him.]

Norm: So I come back a few minutes later and she's still standing there waiting for me! In the same exact spot! I asked her if she was a robot- did you ever see that movie Starman? She's like that alien guy! What does she do in your joint?

Me: That is up for debate.

Norm: I think I'd chew my arm off if I had to deal with her on a daily basis. Then I'd jump into a shark tank.

Me: Yep. That's pretty much how I feel everyday. She's a nice person though and tries really hard but . . .

Norm: Have you resorted to drinking yet?

[stops talking and yells at the same old guy he told not to drive on the curb who was currently driving on the curb]

"WHAT DID I TELL YOU OLD MAN!!"

[old man flips him off]

Norm & Me: Old People!

 

And that's when I realized something. If Norm were 30 years younger, he'd be my best friend.

If I ever find a new job, I'm taking Norm with me.

Do you guys remember Norm? The Building Manager? That I “” interviewed “” a little bit ago?

Well I was on my way to the ladies room when I noticed he was leaning against the wall near the ladies room door. Being the NOSEY curious person I am and also knowing a bunch of old people comments, I asked “What are ya’? Holding up the wall?” he laughed and waved me over.

Norm:
Some women have complained that they’ve caught a guy standing right outside the bathroom when they leave and he pretends he’s putting something in the mailbox.

Bee:
Uh weird.

Norm:
You haven’t seen him, have you?

Bee:
Nope. I would have smashed his face. Is that why you’re standing there? To see if you see him?

Norm:
Yeah I figured I’d revert to my cop days and have a mini stake out.

Bee:
Norm, it won’t work if he sees you! Maybe you should borrow a tall plant and stand behind that?

Norm:
Don’t be silly! I have the general description and images from the security camera so I’m hoping I’ll recognize him if he walks by. He usually stands by the door for a few minutes then leaves the building.

Bee:
What are you gonna do? Tackle him? Can I help? I have some pent up aggression—

Norm:
Someone’s coming! Go into the bathroom!

I ran over to the door, fumbled with the key and went in. All my urgency to pee was gone. I heard Norm talking to someone but then nothing so I came out to see if he needed any help.

Norm:
False alarm.

Bee:
Well now I can’t go.

Norm:
Why don’t you use the bathroom in your office.

Bee:
LONG STORY! What does the guy do? Can you see him clearly in the security camera?

Norm:
The pervert just stands really close to the door.  I don’t even want to know what he’s doing!

Bee:
I still don’t think he’ll make an appearance if he knows you’re here. Why don’t you stand in the stairway? (the stairway door and the bathroom door are across from each other)

Norm:
Look, I don’t want to get any closer to that door than need be. Next thing you know people are going to be complaining about me!

Bee:
I have to go back to work. [I was really sad and disappointed] Can you tell me if you catch the perp?

Norm:
No. You already know too much. Why are you so interested anyway? [he looks at me suspiciously]

Bee:
I'm thinking of writing a book.

Norm:
[rolls eyes] Skedaddle already!

 

Some people have all the fun! And also, I will now be holding it (by it I mean IT!) until I get home.

 

Side Milton Story:

Milton:
That’s a pretty banana you’re eating.

Bee:
Milton, that sounded obscene.

Milton:
(giggles) Sorry. Where did you buy them?

Bee:
Jewel or Shop-n-save I think.

Milton:
I bought some pears at shop-n-save this weekend and I noticed yesterday they overcharged me for them. The pound was 89¢ and they charged me 99¢. I went over there and it took me an hour to get an adjustment!

Bee:
How many pounds did you buy?

Milton:
One pound. I know a dime isn’t a lot but it’s the principle.

Bee:
Yesterday was Earth day and you drove 20 minutes round trip and argued for an hour for 10¢? You’re killing the planet! 

Sure she fishes toilet paper rolls out of the garbage to recycle them but the ozone can suck it I guess.

Apparently spiders and ants have had the same Sensei in the ancient art of THE NINJA (said in reverent whisper).

We've had an ant problem at the Asylum for quite some time. These aren't the cute and cuddly little red ants either. They're the big ugly black ones. People would just brush them off the table, wall, shoulder, SANDWICH and shrug as if to say "meh, I've had worse disease ridden/riddled creatures on my tuna fish!" Me? I'm not so blasé so you would typically hear my cries of "Die you exoskeleton shit eater!", some mad stomping and then my coffee would kick in.

The dramaedy didn't reach its drama until someone found an ant walking around the toilet seat (I'm hoping before they lowered their dra'ws to sit on said seat) then all hell broke loose! All of a sudden it was imperative an exterminator came and uh exterminated the ants! We are not just talking about tuna fish anymore people! Now we have them attacking us were they can do the most damage!

So we called Norm.

Norm:

Where are these alleged ants?

Us:

Everywhere.

Norm:

Well, can you tell me where you've seen them?

Us:

EvErYwHeRe!

Norm:

So not just in the kitchen??

Bee:

For shitake's sake Norm! EVERYWHERE!!

Norm:

Language young lady!-- Did you say *shitake*? Okay, I'll have an exterminator out today.

And so he was true to his word and we had an emergency visit from the bug killer. I didn't see what the dude did because it was Friday and I left at THREE ON THE DOT, after telling OZ I was not going to have our weekly Friday meeting because he had the pig virus and I'd rather he keep it to himself, but when I came in on Monday morning, I asked if he had left little invitations for all ants and their distant relatives inviting them over for a nice cup of tea. Why? Because the ants TRIPLED!

I don't know about you but to me the word "exterminate" means to destroy!, eliminate!, eradicate!, that which bugs you. Clearly there had been a misunderstanding!

After I Michael Jacksoned my way out of the kitchen, it was decided Mr. Ex-Terminator-he-ain't (head roll, finger snap) would have to come back for another once over (or as I like to call it "do your effing job and kill those suckers before they start hitching rides in my clothes!)

I suggested buying a big vat of chocolate and putting a sign on the table that said "Get your chocolate covered ants here!" but the women just wrinkled their noses at me. Yeaaah! I'm the gross one!

When the exterminator dude showed up I thought, "no wonder the ants aren't afraid of this shorts, Hawaiian shirt, tanning lotion wearing parrot head!". He walked in (announcing his presence to everybody in the waiting room) and asked us where we had seen the ants.

All together now:

Everywhere!

He was carrying a paper bag and pulled out a couple of these:

I heard tiny, mocking laughter.

This makes me wonder if exterminators need proper training and credentialing because really I could just slap on a sticker on the ass of my car that says "Bee, exterminator to the stars" and then walk around dropping these little things everywhere I go like a fumigating angel of death. Where did Norm find this guy? Cheech and Chong play Magnum PI casting rejects? Okay, I know that's mean and he must be a very nice pot smoking/Jimmy Buffet fan and I may be just lashing out because I'm tired of squirming and battling things on my face that are just wisps of my hair!

For now, I think it's safest to eat with a lunch buddy. That way, if any ninja ants are making their way towards my Lean Cuisine, there will be 4 eyes keeping vigil. Well, 8 if you count our glasses.

Enemies? I have MANY stinkin' enemies!

I walked into work Monday morning with the same cheerful attitude I reserve for such special occasions like tooth extractions and Sci-Fi movies. Glynda stopped me right before I walked into my office and told me I  had to use Purple Dino-SOUR's old desk because someone threw a rock through my window and broke the outside glass. I thought she was joking because I'm so freaking adorable so who would want to break my window??

They called the cops and since the perp only targeted one window, MY WINDOW, I was then interviewed by the counties finest. Humorless cop and Norm.

Humorless Cop: Can you think of anyone who would want to cause you harm?

Me: I can think of a lot of people [I wink at Norm who cackles] but I also know they're too lazy to figure out where I work, specifically where I sit and then stop by on a weekend to break my window.

HC: [stare-y frown-y face] What is your occupation?

Me: I work in medical billing.

HC: Any angry patients?

Me: No, not that I know of but I don't handle the patients. I deal with insurance companies AND attorneys, can they be suspects?

HC: [non-blink-y stare] Not if they haven't ever threatened you. Any exes who may have any grudges?

Me: No. I dated my husband for 3ish years and we've been married for 9 years so there wouldn't be any *exes* who would harbor a grudge for 12 years. [to Norm] Unless I have a child an ex didn't tell me about!

Norm: ::pfft pfft hee hee:: ::cough cough::

HC: What about your husband? Are you happily married?

Me: As happy as is normal. [to Norm] Well, he DID say he was going to post on the Internet that he was going to shoot me when the Blackhawks were losing . . . but he doesn't own a gun or know how to post anything on the Internet.

HC: Is that another one of your jokes?

Me: Ehh, no, but thanks for the ego boost. He plays Call of Duty a lot so I think he carries it over into reality.

HC: Do you know if your husband may have any, err, *girlfriends* or any other type of *intimate friend* who may be jealous of you?

Me: If I knew he were cheating on me, you and I would be having a different kind of conversation. Mainly you would be asking me why I hit my husband with a frying pan. [to Norm] And that's the edited version!

HC: [angry mean face] Mrs. C-R, I am not a security officer, I am a police officer. It's not wise to tell me your husband said he was going to shoot you or that you're going to hit your spouse with a pan or anything else. [::gulp!::] So you don't know anyone who would be sending you any type of warnings?

Me: In all seriousness, no. I think it's just a fluke that the vandals broke my window. Hey, can I keep the rock they threw?

HC: [growl-y face] No.

Norm [whispers]: I'll see what I can do.

Me [whisper back]: It's like a trophy!

We giggle as the cop gives us an evil stare.

I know it's a serious situation people! How do I know it's serious? Because they almost broke my coffee cup.

Evil bastards!

Why they're called the "Golden Years"

So...

When was the last time I talked about the public bathroom that's in the office building? I can't remember since it's been a while.

The story I'm about to tell you I didn't witness personally but it was told to me by a very trustworthy person. If you can call a person who wears his shirt open to his navel showing off his hairy chest. He, of course, has no business walking around like that! Not just because of the weather. He's in his late 50s ample bodied and kinda creepy looking. Harmless but creepy looking. He's the building manager. TA TAH TAH TA! (for some reason I heard trumpets in my head)

Any-who!!! I bumped into him in the hall after having exited the ladies, I stopped to ask him about his car since someone had broken into it last Friday. Then I let him know the latch to the regular stall was broken and that's when he told me the story.

Sit down kiddies so that I may relay what Norm (oh, that's what we'll call him) told me.

Norm:

Yes, I know. A couple of old ladies got stuck in there so I had to break 'em out.

[I pulled up a mental chair and sat down.]

Bee:

Whahuh?

Norm:

I got a call on my walkie telling me 2 ladies were stuck in a stall. When I got there I found a very old lady in the stall and a younger but not by much lady stuck under the stall door!

Bee:

... ...

Norm:

It turns out the older lady couldn't figure out how to unlock the door so her friend tried going under the door to unlatch it for her. So I had to break the latch to set them free. I felt bad for them since that bathroom is always filthy! [yeah, how about getting someone to clean it more often!]

The worst part is I got the call while the police were here filling out the report for the break in so I had to go check the problem right away. One of the cops started laughing and asked if I needed the jaws [of life I'm assuming]! What an A-Hole! [yeah, he said "A-Hole" trying to be courteous of my delicate sensibilities, a gent to the last chest hair!].

Bee:

No freakin way!!! How come I missed that? I'm so jealous!! How did the other one get stuck? Why would she even try to shimmy thru? Will you call me next time something like that happens so that I can take a picture?

Norm:

Well, her [cleared his throat] uh, butt got stuck. No! I'm not calling you why would you want a picture anyway?

.

Why indeed barechested Norm, why indeed.

.

I'm telling you that bathroom is a goldmine!!!

The flush heard around the world.

You know how some people suffer from shy bladders? Not me! I'm never self conscious when I use a public bathroom. I go in there, do my bizness and then exit stage left as quick as I can. However, on Monday day of the lord October 5th, I had a couple of weird bathroom encounters (not like George Michael's bathroom encounters, okay?) that shook my confidence to its core. I know it's hard to imagine me trembling in a corner while pulling out my eyebrows but there you have it.

Usually, when I use the public ladies-room, it's empty and I don't have to compete with anyone for the primo first stall. On Monday, I walked in and went to push the door so I could go in but there was something odd about the door. I couldn't quite figure out what because my brain stopped functioning at this strange change to my routine.

I stood in front of the door, what must have only been about 3 seconds, but I'm sure to the person inside the stall, with their pants down, it probably seemed an eternity.

When the old wheezing hamster that resides in my brain finally sent the message that it was locked because somebody was inside, I took that extra step and opened the handicapped stall.

I couldn't help but wonder what my neighbor was thinking. Would she walk out and report me to Norm? As I sat with my feet dangling, the handicapped toilet is way higher than the regular one which doesn't make any sense because people who typically use the handicapped stall ARE HANDICAPPED, wouldn't they have a harder time than I, with my semi functioning limbs, to get on that toilet, I wondered why my brain reacted so slowly. Sure, it was Monday and Mondays are famous for their torturing of innocents but I still should have been able to walk into the bathroom and registered the new door development without so much as pause. Meh. I shrugged and decided to not ponder too much so early in the morning. (I know it seems like I must have been in there a long time but I "think" REALLY fast)

Later in the day, I went back into the bathroom and sighed with relief because the first stall was empty. I couldn't have been in there for more than 30 seconds when the main door to the bathroom opened. I peeked through the crack (uhhh the crack on the stall's wall) and my gaze collided with an eyeball!

Damn pervert! But then I decided to let bygones because it may have been an accidental peek (maybe she too couldn't believe someone was in the first stall).

I heard the other stall door open and then I heard a groan. I thought 'what a weirdo!' and then finished up by bidness. When I opened my stall door, there was the eyeball attached to a whole person. Standing right outside my stall! I could have kissed her she was that close!

Guess what I did. I froze again.

It was like the earlier incident all over again! It took me a few seconds to realize she was waiting for me to come out of my stall so she may use it. When I finally went to move, she did too so we did that awkward mambo step (you know the one, right? where you step to the right and the other person steps to the left but you stepped to their left and they stepped to your right thereby canceling out each others step? my head hurts) until I broke free of the rhythm (not unusual since I seemed to have lost my rhythm back in the 90s) (okay 80s)(okay birth) and sidestepped her so that I may wash my hands.

There is nothing more awkward than the "I'm trying to get by" mambo unless it's the "I'm in the bathroom trying to get by" mambo. It's even weirder because neither she nor I wanted to make eye contact so we would look up quickly, mutter something (mine came out like 'sooprry')(sorry-oops) then try again.

Anyway, once I was washing my hands, I questioned how I had left the toilet 'did I make sure all the TP went into the bowl?' (Because let's remember that I always line the seat. I've been doing it since I was 6 and my parents took us to see Bambi at the drive-in and my mom showed me how to line the seat so that I wouldn't get any awful diseases. Like stupidity.) I again shrugged and thought it was no longer my problem.

The rest of the day, I tried holding it (and by 'it', I don't mean 'IT') but when I felt my eyeballs floating, I took my chances and prayed for the best.

I grab the bathroom key from the wall and open the office door.
I peek my head out, look from side to side. CLEAR!
I walk quickly to the bathroom. Insert bathroom key, twist, shove door, hurt arm because, in my frenzy, I didn't twist the key all the way, try again, the door opens.
I scan the place quickly. Empty.
I push the door to the first stall, lock it, [censored], sit down.

I wasn't in there more than 10 seconds when some wild gorilla starts rattling the bathroom door handle! I have to say I'm glad I was already on the pot when it happened because I may have peed myself from shock!
I hurry up, exit the stall, wash my hands and open the door. There is nobody out there! Am I nuts? Don't answer that.

I walk back to the office and no sooner do I open the door when this big, loud lady starts yelling at me!

Big loud lady:
Didn't you hear me knocking at the door???

Bee [while handing over the key]:
Didn't you hear me peeing? Did you want me to stop midstream, hobble out and unlock the door?

BLL:
::gasp::

2 other women in the waiting room chuckle.

And I'm baaack!

I'M NOT FRUNKING DUCK!

So I went to a new doctor a couple of weeks ago, I know what you’re thinking, “A new doctor, Bee? What happened to the grandmotherly Polish woman you’ve been going to for years?” She abandoned me that’s what! She picked up and moved her practice to Michigan with not so much as an “I enjoyed removing your skin tags!” card. Thanks for bringing it up and reopening the wound! Pour some lemon on it why don’t ya’!

This left me with no other choice than to look for a new female doctor cuz I was not going to let the MALE doctor that took over the grandmotherly Polish woman’s practice see my wobbly bits (especially because I was tricked into going there to get a refill on my blood pressure pills and he was all “next time you come in, I’m gonna feel your breasts” oh hell no!)… where was I? I forgot why I even brought this up… Oh right! I remember.

I was not prepared for the shit-ton of questions I was asked by 2 different people! I felt like I was caught smuggling kittens in my nostrils and they were trying to get to the bottom of why.

“Do you drink alcoholic beverages on a regular basis?”

“No ma’am.”

They give me a look that says they’re on to my shenanigans “By regular we mean 2-3 times a week”

“No.”

Now I get a look that says they don’t believe me because how else would I get through life? “Once a week? Twice a month?”

“More like one Mojito once every 6 months… My father is an alcoholic so I more or less have an aversion to liquor”

Busily type-type-type-typing while giving me sideways glances. “O-KAAAAY. I’ll just enter “socially”—“

“No. I do not drink socially. I do not consume alcoholic beverages at social events or with friends or family or picnics with my dogs. I do not drink regularly. Having 2 Mojitos a year is not in anyway considered a “social drinker”.”

I had to go through this twice. Once with the physician’s assistant and then again with the doctor. Why is it so hard to believe that there are some people who are just not interested in alcoholic beverages? As of this very moment in time, I have had one half of a beer and a pina colada I shared with Andy and it’s what? September? I honestly would rather have water or green tea or anything else that doesn’t taste like rubbing alcohol.

I think next time I’ll just say “Do I drink? I’m drunk right now, bitches!” and they’ll probably accept that as truth faster than you can say “belly shots”.

I don’t think my answer mattered one bit because they were just going to type whatever the fuck they thought was “the norm”. Goes to show how much they really know because they measured my height and told me I’m only 5 feet one and a half inches when the whole world can clearly see that I am FIVE FEET TWO INCHES TALL!

::sigh::

They also took my blood and made me give them a urine sample. I’m assuming they’re going to test me for rabies…

I am going to surgically attach my cell to my wrist because that way I will never ever miss important photo opportunities like big yellow-red rats mocking PETA.

Have I ever told you guys how defenseless I feel when I forget my cellphone? I constantly find myself reaching for the spot where it usually rests on my desk. I would have taken a picture of the spot but I forgot my cellphone.

You see, my cell is no longer something I just make phone calls with. Since I no longer have access to the internet at work (which sucks because I can no longer harass Brian and jean knee while I’m at work so now they go on about their lives in peace and who wants that???), I check my email on it, read my favorite blogs, AND take pictures of interesting things.

On Friday, I forgot it at home. And what happens??? Across the street from my office some dudes inflated a giant rat! A giant scary rat with fangs and claws ready to eat you up! This thing was huge and not really lifelike because it was yellow and red but it still had a menacing look to him.

We stood in front of the window wondering what they were advertising using a rat. They had inflated it near some apartment building so one of the bats said, “maybe they’re trying to advertise vacant apartments” and I was like “with a rat?? ‘Hi! Come live here, we have rats!’ No, I doubt it.”

Then, when the coffee made me smurt, I figured out they weren't advertising, they were protesting something. Unfortunately, we couldn’t make out what the signs said and I was too lazy to walk over, the street is one of the busiest in the area, so I just came up with different scenarios in my head.

-They were protesting Scarecrow's very short shorts because hello? It’s Casual Friday not Hoochie Dress Up Day. I know some older women can pull it off but picture the old tanned lady from Something about Mary. Only more wrinkly.

- They were protesting PETA's obsession with eating rocky mountain oyster. Seriously, PETA! You guys are sick!

- They were protesting because I haven't gotten a raise in my allowance in 3 years. We need to know why! I've done all most of my chores!

- They were protesting Milton's constant criticizing on their disorganized protest. "They should hold the signs up higher! They should have printed bigger signs! I can't read what they say! Why is that man on his cellphone?? He doesn't seem too interested in his protest!" and so on.

I was upset with myself for not having my phone so I may photo document this exciting event but I think I came up with a solution so that you may experience what I was seeing semi-first hand.

I was originally going to draw it for you but my drawing looked like cavemen chasing a chia pet so I recreated it with things around my house.

Okay, here we have that big dragon thing representing the rat, a couple of Bonsai trees representing the trees, flowers representing flowers, Betty Boop in her smoking convertible representing cars driving by and honking their support, the 2 Mexican ladies, Han Solo and Pinocchio representing the protestors.

Here is a close up.

Here is an aerial view taken from the Bee chopper in the sky. I don't know what that mini bottle of Tabasco sauce is doing there. Maybe it was left there after their lunch?

We never did find out what they were protesting and they left before I got out of work but I saw Norm talking to them and I'm sure he'll give me the full scoop on Monday.

P.S.

The Sunday Comic should be back next Sunday. We have been a tad busy but I'm planning on making Andy drink nothing but Red Bull this week so his slacking days are over!