Clean up in the kitchen aisle

So... there I am.

Enjoying my Lean Cuisine (these are not effective by the way, cuz I’ve been having those suckers for a while and there’s nothing lean about me! Unless they’re supposed to be Mean Cuisine… I’m Mean but not Lean! Anyway... whatever! let’s move on!) (let me gather my thought. okay got it!) enjoying my Lean Cuisine while having lunch with Glynda when all of a sudden she breaks the silence with: “You know, you could be the mother of a 17 year old.”

My first thoughts were: “Does she know something I don’t know? Did my body eject a little person when I was 18-ish without me knowing???”

Then: "How dare she imply I was sexually active at the young age of 18...!"

Followed by: "I wonder how so and so is doing."

Lastly: "I need a freakin manicure!"


After I cleaned up my chin from having dribbled my lunch all over it and the front of my sweater… I asked her to share (okay, in the middle of typing this, I got a nostril cramp! I just took a decongestion and in it’s effort to cure me, it burned the inside of my nose and made my eyes water! No, I didn’t snort it…) why she would say such an abominable thing to me!

She shrugged and continued eating…

Not to be outdone by this Random Spouting Rookie, I said: "Have you ever had any weird dreams about OZ? You know those kind of weird dreams?" I said the last part in a whisper, she gagged asked me why I would ask her that and I shrugged and continued eating.

I don’t know if you remember or were around for this but she once told me it SOUNDED like I was limping! This ladies and gents (I had originally typed ladies IN gents but luckily my sharp eye caught this mistake! I would have been abso-freakin-lutely horrified at myself! Plus I didn't want to answer any personal questions. Do what you want with that.) is the Office Manager/Nurse, she is the one that runs the freak show...

At least she had me having a kid at 18 and not 16! Anyway, thought I’d share.

Also, if you're wondering if I keep getting sidetracked because I'm still sick, the answer is nope, just a rambler.

Look at the pretty flowers I got! Jealous? ;o)

PSA# 888 The dangers of Peanut Brittle.

1) If it’s too hard it may hurt your teeth.

2) If it’s to mushy-ish it may get stuck on your teeth.

3) If it’s just right, you might eat the whole box and then:
a- your jaw will hurt
b- your stomach will hurt
c- your butt will get bigger.

BEWARE OF PEANUT BRITTLE!!

Don't laugh! I'm serious!

Also, have you noticed that I am know making words better by just adding "-ish" or "-er"? Don't tell Chris at The Avant Garden cuz she has a thing for grammar... ;op

Please help us Dr. Phony Phil!

So...

Some of ya'll have one at home.

Some of ya'll are one or were one.

Mine is named Andy and he's a man.

Also known as my husband.

Now, if you have any doubt as to how much I'm "in like" with him, let me tell you I would fight just about anyone who tried to take him away from me, woman, man, beast, alien, robot... they'd have to pry him from my rigor-mortised hand. (graphic enough for you?)

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But!

There are occasion when I wonder if we are truly meant to be... Yes, I do have those awful thoughts every once in a while! These thoughts circle in my little head because of very serious issues in our relationship.

Oh boy! How do I start this [eye nervously twitching!]

Okay here goes...

He.Does.not.put.his.garbage.in.the.trash/recyclebin!

He leaves it on the counter by the sink!

Why?

Why does he torment me so when we'd just had a discussion about it last week???

Exhibit A: This is nothing since I'd already cleared off the counter yesterday. The inventory then was 8 cans of soda 3 water bottles, 2 disposable plates and a couple of disposal cups!

Walk with me while I show you how far the bins are.

There's the sink.

Here is the bin.

If you look closely you'll see the 2 areas in question are about 3 big man steps away from each other! I say 3 cuz it was 5 short woman steps away for me.

This is why men say we nag. They don't listen, we ask again nicely, they don't listen again, we ask again a little bit more forcefully! The next time they don't listen, we screech and this works for what? About a month, 3 weeks? ::GROAN!::

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Well, at least he doesn't beat me and buys me shoes! Those are positives right? ;o)

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On a totally different subject, I found this beer at Jewels (supermarket). The name of the beer (ale whatever!) is Dead Guy Ale. Upon doing research for you guys, I found out it was made special for November 1st All Souls Day 1990.

Weird.

Milton, please Shut the F*CK UP!

How is it that a simple innocent comment (“parking was horrible at the mall on Friday”) can lead to a nonstop 20 minute one sided discussion on navy slacks? How is that possible?? Please, if you know the answer, put me out of my misery so that I won’t fall into that trap again.

I mean, what if I say “I scuffed my shoe”, does that mean she will talk about the wonders of brown and black dress socks??

Then there’s my favorite "question". The one she asks oh, about ONE THOUSAND times a day: “Just out of curiosity...”

“Just out of curiosity, why did you wear those shoes today?”
“Just out of curiosity, do you know who opened the crackers?”
“Just out of curiosity, why are your eyes brown?”
“Just out of curiosity, who gave you those stickers?”
“Just out of curiosity, why do you think he ordered chicken today?”
"Just out of curiosity, do you know if it's raining... outside?"

I know you're asking “Just out of curiosity”! Why the hell else would you be asking? Not to solve the world’s problems surely! And that whole "raining outside" was a real question! She had to clarify in case I thought she meant inside! AAARRRGGHHHH!

Next time I’m gonna ask her, “Just out of curiosity, do you think I can kick your ass clear across the street without oncoming traffic turning you into an unidentifiable mass of dough?”

“Just out of curiosity, what do you suppose would hurt more, me stapling your lips shut or whacking you over the head until you’re unconscious?”
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She drives me bananas!
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I don’t know why but being ill makes me more violent… who am I kidding? I'm always violent but able to control myself when I'm healthy.
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The Bats and Glynda. Starting at top row from left to right.
Toto, Cowardly Lion and Purple Dino-SOUR
Scarecrow, Glynda and Milton.

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Don't let them fool you, they may look nice but they're all certifiably insane! Well, I guess you can be nice and insane... but I think they secretly love torturing me so that makes them mean.
Maybe it's all an act and they're really not stupid! Could it be I'm the crazy one? I just don't know anymore!
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Okay, I know I'm being a sourpuss so this commercial will somewhat make it up to you guys. It always makes me laugh and think of my brothers when they were wee little ones and not pains in the tukus like they are now. Please click on it if you can.

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Later dudes, I'm gonna go and have a couple of shots of Nyquil!

ThurFriSatSunday

So...

Did you miss me? :o)

What? What the hell do you mean "No"??

Fine then! As my buddy Cartman says "Screw you guys! I'm goin' hooome!" Oh how I love Cartman... ::dreamy sigh::

Wait! I was just kidding! Come back! I've got stuff to tell you!
Don't mind me, I'm sick so the 6 brain cells I normally count on are kinda loopy right now.

On with the freak show recap.

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Thursday:
Our annual Thanksgiving hosting went great. Relatives were well behaved, food was good, Tazz was in his kennel (you know, so we wouldn't be sued after he took a chunk off of someone's butt/finger)(not buttfinger! butt and/or finger). We had a great evening/night which ended in us discussing who was the sanest of all 5 of us siblings and brother Dan won hands down. I don't know who was voted crazier but I know it wasn't me.
By the way, I just want to mention that my sister made Green Bean Casserole and much to my disappointment... it was good! :o(

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Friday:
We had a chance to go to Sergio and Esmeralda's house to meet the priest, Father Edward, that would be performing their ceremony on Saturday.

Talk about "out of the box"! He is genuinely a cool guy who told us about some of his "life bloopers". He has a real affection for both my brother and Esmeralda (can't think of why!). Anyway, he blessed their home and us, luckily, I didn't sizzle or melt when the holy water hit me. It was a real concern. ;o)

Although, now that Andy's been blessed, I'm not sure I wantta hang out him anymore!
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Just so you know, we were godparents of Arras (or Wedding Coins*) so as a joke, we brought them chocolate quarters which Father Edward thought was hilarious.

As a side note, since I didn't know better, when I bought them they looked tiny so I told the sales lady to give me four packages of 13. She gave me a funny look and said I only needed 13. Oops!
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Saturday:
We got our haircut and I yelled (well not so much yelled but "scolded softly") at my hairstylist guy (happily gay) for leaving Andy's hair so long last week. He admitted to it and said he just wanted to see him sooner...
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We then drove days to witness the Holy Union of Sergio and Es. Little did Andy and I know we had to walk down the aisle! THE HORROR! We managed to do so without tripping or bumping into the floral arrangements (well, I did bump into 'em but they didn't fall).

The ceremony was beautiful!
Father Edward has come to know Sergio and Es because of their constant volunteering, so he was able to insert anecdotes about their history. They are truly blessed to have someone who knows them personally be able to marry them. This made a moment that should be special to begin with, unique and beautiful.

Also, when I brought the Arras up during the ceremony, Father Edward asked me if they were the chocolate ones... :o( :o) (Don't tell anyone but I think I stood on the wrong side of the formation line thingie, I was the only girl on the guy's side. Hope nobody noticed!)


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Saturday Part 2:
On to the party!

There were allot of kids there. Allot Of Kids. ALLOT OF KIDS!

We had a great time, the food was good, the company was good, I regretted not buying the blouse that was a size smaller since the one I wore was too big and therefore made me look pregos. But enough about me! ;o)
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Sunday:
Sick as a dog and talking to you guys!
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I want to leave you with some Andyisms:
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After getting my haircut:
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Andy:
"Wow! Your hair looks good!"
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Bee: [in shock since the last time he complimented me was...????]
"What? A compliment from Andy? Maybe, I should write that down so I know exactly when that took place!"
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Andy:
"asshole"
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But he says I exaggerate on his obsessive swearing.
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While walking down the aisle at my brother's wedding:
Bee:
"Hey babe, it's like we're getting married!"
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Andy:
"No! No no no no no..."
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I think he might have forgotten we're already married. And if that's the case, I'm gonna start scoping out the men inventory to pick myself a Brad Pitt look-alike. (I say look-alike cuz the original is otherwise occupied and has too many kids) If you're a Brad Pitt look-alike, give me a call/email/smoke signal so we can chat... How you doin'?

While leaving the church thru the side door:
Andy:
Bee, that statue right there, who is it? Is it Joseph?
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Bee:
ANDY! That's Jesus!
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I hope your Holiday was as good as mine! :o)
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*Here is the significance: The Arras represent assets spread over the twelve months of the year and more to share with the poor, the number 13 is of good luck and good fortune.

Until we meet again.

Okay soooooo... this is my last post of the week since tomorrow I will be in the finals of preparing Tom (or Gina, let's not be gender biased in these Holiday times) the Turkey and his/her delicious sides. I'll have my family, whom I love more than goose fat, over for some giving of thanks!

Well I do love them more than goose fat you guys, no need to smirk! And just for you lucky peeps that are coming to Shangrila Bee n Andy's, I have a special treat! We bought a brand-spankin-new toilet seat. Your tushies will be so pampered!

Those who are not coming, don't let your tushies be jell-o. Pamper them too.

Anyway, I'm leaving you with a list of 5 things I wouldn't want to hear before I kiss someone and a list of 5 things I'm thankful for.
Don't be expecting a serious "thankful for" list! If you are, then you're reading the wrong blog, maybe you should be reading "Serious Talk with Beatrice Huntinmeyersom... the Third"
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5 things I wouldn't want to hear before I kiss someone:

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1) Hold on! My sinuses are draining straight thru to my throat [swallows] there we go!

2) Damn! I hope my nose stops dripping otherwise my face will be stuck to my pillow.

3) Gimme a kiss! Wait, can you see the stuff on my teeth? I think it's spinach!

4) I should really brush my teeth. I have the morning breath of a bear who has a decomposing fish in his mouth!

5) MMMMM garlic, mmmmm anchovies, mmmm raw onions! Mint Shmint!

None of those happened to me, I'm just sayin' I wouldn't want to hear those things.

Thankful for List:

1) Easy access to toilet paper. I hear some countries don't even know what that is. (I'm not making fun of them, I'm genuinely sad.)

2) Fall/Winter. Can you say flab be gone? No, it's not really gone! Just hidden under layers and layers of clothing.

3) Canned Green Bean. Some countries are running out. It's a serious issue that politicians don't want you to know about. GIVE THEM BACK THEIR GREEN BEANS! TAKE THEM ALL!!

4) My Co-workers also known as "The Bats" without them, my world would be humorless and stress free. Stop what your doing and give them a round of applause. Stand up if you want to and give them a standing O as in ovation.

Last but not least...

5) SHOES!!! Yes, I said shoes! All the varieties of shoes! We've come a long way from fashioning them outta dried up still crusty animal skin. Now it's still dried up animal skin but at least it's not crusty! And all the pretty models and colors... mmmm shoes!

Are you asking yourself why I'm leaving you with these images??? Well, if they've got to be in my head, then they have to be in yours too! It's the law.
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If you miss me you can read some posts you weren't around for, you know, BBC (Before Bee C.) I recommend One, Two, Three..., another bathroom horror story.
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They'll make you giggle, cry, yawn, get hungry, wish you had a bat problem, wish you were a millionaire etcetera etcetera! If they make you do something I didn't list, see a physician.

Happy Thanksgiving!!!


You shall be mercilessly devoured with only your bones as a reminder of your presence! BWAHAHAHA!
Except by me cuz I don't like turkey.

Why they're called the "Golden Years"

So...

When was the last time I talked about the public bathroom that's in the office building? I can't remember since it's been a while.

The story I'm about to tell you I didn't witness personally but it was told to me by a very trustworthy person. If you can call a person who wears his shirt open to his navel showing off his hairy chest. He, of course, has no business walking around like that! Not just because of the weather. He's in his late 50s ample bodied and kinda creepy looking. Harmless but creepy looking. He's the building manager. TA TAH TAH TA! (for some reason I heard trumpets in my head)

Any-who!!! I bumped into him in the hall after having exited the ladies, I stopped to ask him about his car since someone had broken into it last Friday. Then I let him know the latch to the regular stall was broken and that's when he told me the story.

Sit down kiddies so that I may relay what Norm (oh, that's what we'll call him) told me.

Norm:

Yes, I know. A couple of old ladies got stuck in there so I had to break 'em out.

[I pulled up a mental chair and sat down.]

Bee:

Whahuh?

Norm:

I got a call on my walkie telling me 2 ladies were stuck in a stall. When I got there I found a very old lady in the stall and a younger but not by much lady stuck under the stall door!

Bee:

... ...

Norm:

It turns out the older lady couldn't figure out how to unlock the door so her friend tried going under the door to unlatch it for her. So I had to break the latch to set them free. I felt bad for them since that bathroom is always filthy! [yeah, how about getting someone to clean it more often!]

The worst part is I got the call while the police were here filling out the report for the break in so I had to go check the problem right away. One of the cops started laughing and asked if I needed the jaws [of life I'm assuming]! What an A-Hole! [yeah, he said "A-Hole" trying to be courteous of my delicate sensibilities, a gent to the last chest hair!].

Bee:

No freakin way!!! How come I missed that? I'm so jealous!! How did the other one get stuck? Why would she even try to shimmy thru? Will you call me next time something like that happens so that I can take a picture?

Norm:

Well, her [cleared his throat] uh, butt got stuck. No! I'm not calling you why would you want a picture anyway?

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Why indeed barechested Norm, why indeed.

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I'm telling you that bathroom is a goldmine!!!

The Day I Wore Purple Pants!

No, that's not a typo. I'm sure one of you out there in blogland will crow about how that's another sign of old age. You know who you are!

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Anyway, I have a pair of old comfy out-of-style purplish sweatpants made out of a terry-ish cloth. I usually use 'em as my winter pajamas but this morning I thought "You know what? They're comfy and I've got to go grocery shopping so I'm wearing them out! If anybody thinks I'm weird they can go screw themselves!" (in case you're wondering, I wasn't in a very sunshiny mood.)(I know that shocks you)

.

First, I had breakfast where my beloved husband Andy says this to me:

"If I had to decide which one of you was a villain or a superhero, you would be the villain." We had been talking about how much I disliked this annoying person whom I cannot name and he called her my arch nemesis. I responded by saying that she was not worthy of being my arch nemesis because they had to at least have half of the hero's brain power. That's when he said the above.

Now, normally I love being the villain! I eat it up with my bare little hands!

BUT!

In this case it pissed me off because if she were the hero and heroes always win, I would be the defeated villain.

Ummmn, NO!

I smacked him then blamed it on the purple pants.

(Don't you just love the intellectual interaction my spouse and I have?)

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The grocery store was packed of course!

Everybody and their momma needed to do their Holiday food shopping. Oh well, what can you do right?

Well, for starters don't stand in the middle of the freakin aisle while people are trying to get thru with their shopping carts. While I was getting some chopped pecans, a lady started talking to me like we were buddies so we bonded over the inconsiderate assholes who don't know shopping etiquette! I blamed talking to a stranger on the purple pants.

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After the grocery shopping was done, we had to go to two stores to find a buffet table that went on sale Sunday but nobody seemed to know what we were talking about. Blamed that on... well the ignorance of employees who would rather be rude than do their job even if they're getting paid. Purple Pants Purple Pants.

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We then got stuck by a train, followed by another train. I blamed that on... Andy cuz he could have taken another way home. Purple Purple Purple Pants.

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We bought a nice Veggie Lasagna to put in the oven for dinner. I had forgotten that the last time we used the oven was when we made French Toast Casserole which leaked all over the oven.

I'd made a mental note to clean it before I used the oven again. Well, my mental PDA must be on the fritz cuz after the lasagna was in the oven for half an hour, I noticed the light in the kitchen looked hazy.

I opened the oven and it was like I had just sprayed water on a bonfire! Smoke everywhere! Being the trooper I am, I stuck my hand in the hot hot oven and wiped off the icky drippings, I've always said I'm a danger in the kitchen...

But it technically wasn't my fault, I blame the...

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What do you think? Are they bad luck or am I overreacting? Doesn't matter now I guess cuz I've decided to banish the purple pants back to the place they belong! They will go back to being my Purple Pajama Pants.

I just hope they don't give me nightmares! :o{

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Aren't you glad you tuned into my rant? Are you sitting there right now thinking. "WTF! Who gives a crap about purple pants?"

Yeah, I'm thinking that too but I've already typed this up, there is no freakin' way I'm deleting and starting over! And since I'm still wearing the purple pants, we can blame my lack of inspiration on them.

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P.S.

Did you know there's a website that sells nothing but purple clothing and accesories? Yeah, I was shocked too! I think that must be where Purple Dino-SOUR shops. !!!!!!!!!!!

Saturdays with Bee.

So...

I want to hire a maid but Andy's been giving me grief.
Yeah, he keeps talking about how we wouldn't have money to pay him (of course it would be a man! You don't think I'm stupid enough to hire a woman do you?) (remind me to tell you about our new "disagreement" regarding a woman vs. man/other cutting his hair. I say man/other only, he says a woman would be okay by him, silly silly rabbit!)... anyway, this little detail is now forcing me to dust all the Christmas decorations I keep stored on top of my china cabinet.

Cleaning on a Saturday. ::sigh:: Don't you wish we could trade places?


Guess what I got in the mail for my Birthday?? I received so many well wishes and condolences!


Any-whoo, I get a call from my mom while I was at work telling me I got a box with a head--then her phone cut off so I wasn't sure if she said "in it" or "on it". So I left work early to find out. This is what I saw:
I LOVE IT!!! Look at all the cool comic stamps!
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Then I saw:
AAAAAARRGGHHH! Uh, I mean... YAY!

Look at all the goodies that were in the box! LOOK!

For all her tough exterior, she is such a sweenister person! And so crafty! I hope you can make out the slice of birthday cake on the left.

I even got a pair of shoseys! They were a little tight but they will look cool with my Holiday out fits!




Since she's always thinking about my future, she sent a pair of falsies for when mine start falling due to my old age.


I'm talking about my teeth!


I washed them so that my lovely assistant could model them for you.



I loved everything in there (especially the sour candy mmmmm) but I have to admit to being disgusted out of my ever-lovin'-mind!
Look at what that says, it's a picture of Criss Angel and it says "Lick me"...
Doesn't that give you the heebie jeebies? Although, I wonder what it tastes like...

Thank you Jean Knee! :o)

Conversation with attorney labeled:

“Don’t talk to me like you talk to your wife!”

ATTY: [disgruntled attorney]
Why wasn’t this claim sent to health insurance?

BEE: ["polite" Bee]
Is this an accident claim?

ATTY: [annoyed]
SO?!

BEE: [controlled rage]
Did you just answer “so”? “So” what? I asked if it was an accident claim.

ATTY: [polite]
Oh, sorry. Yes.

BEE: [as if to a 2 year old child]
Then that’s why it wasn’t sent to health, we send it to liable.

ATTY: [seething]
All the other medical bills went to health and were paid! Why wouldn't your doctor do the same?!

BEE: ["polite" again]
Are you having issues with your phone?

ATTY: [curious]
… No… why?

BEE: [can you detect the fury?]
I want to believe you are, otherwise why would you be yelling at me?!

[in the meantime Purple Dino-SOUR and Milton are laughing so loud I start having issues with hearing the ninny muggins on the line]

ATTY: [semi polite]
I apologize, I didn’t mean to raise my voice. I was just surprised and trying to understand why…?

BEE: [quiet sarcasm]
Right, let me guess you’ve never had any doctor do this before? You're upset on behalf of your client. You think the doctor charged too much money. And so on.

ATTY: [I'm assuming he was thinking "let's cut the bullshit!"]
... ... Okay, how much will he accept to consider the bill paid in full.

BEE: [I'm thinking "glad we cut the bullshit!"]
We seem to be hearing each other perfectly now!

****No attorneys were hurt in the making of this post. Yet.

-------------------------

Also, somebody threw out a stale coffee cake and the bats are going bananas.
I wonder who threw it out?
Hmmmm...?

Wicked! Plus a WTF story.

♪♫ I think I’ll try defying gravity!

And nobody in all of Oz

No Wizard that there is or was

Is ever gonna bring me down! ♪♫

So…

Last night we went to see Wicked… oh, you didn’t know? ;o)

It was awesome!! Well it always is. I recommend you go see it if you’re lucky enough to have a showing near you. If you’re not, come to Chicago and be my guest. Not literally my guest cuz if I’m buying tickets they’ll be for me and my sis. Also don’t think you can stay with me either, my dogs don’t like strangers (or strange people).
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Anyway, this was my fourth time and it never gets old. Usually I have giants sitting in front of me but this time it was a little old lady with a small Q-Tip head so all was well. She was with, who I referred to in my head as, The Squirmy Family. It was Poppa S. Momma S. Grandma S. and Daughter S. They were sharing a pair of binoculars so they squirmed to the left, squirmed to the right, squirmed forward… but I didn’t care cuz our seats were fantabulous so I was able to see perfectly!
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Unfortunately, you’re not supposed to take pictures and since I’m such a rule follower, I only took 3.

As we were leaving, I started singing and my sister gave me the ultimate compliment of all time by saying I should try out to be a munchkin. See-ee-ee my sis can hear my singing potential! Granted I was using my high-pitched-can-be-heard-by-dogs-20-miles-away voice but still!

I’ve also come to the realization that even though I no longer live in the “city” (that’s what Chicago suburbanites call Chicago) I still consider myself to be a Chicagoan. The other peeps that traveled from far to see the show were looking around nervously holding their purses close to their bodies as our friends the panhandlers walked among them asking for change.

They knew better than to ask my sis and I cuz we had the “you ain’t foolin’ me turkey!” look [patent pending]. We walked down the block to the nearest Mickey Dee’s, had some soggy salty French fries and waited for the Big Texan to come pick us up.

There was something in this Mickey Dee’s that singled it out from any ones you’ve been to in your town. This one had a security guard! Yeah, how weird is that!? I guess it’s due to the panhandlers loitering in and outside of the place, (one was at the register trying to get enough money together to buy himself a sweet double cheese so I gave him the quarter he needed. I know, very kind of me but I don’t like to brag).
Don’t let that stop you from coming to visit Chicago cuz it’s relatively safe, I mean who’s gonna do something to you when you have a crew of construction workers and their jackhammers opening up holes on the streets at all hours of the night. You’ll be fine!

All in all, even though I was dreading this birthday, it turned out to be one of the best I've ever had!

Thank you to all and to all a good ni--day!

WTF:
As I was getting ready for work (late as usual), my trusty radio informed me that in Australia they’re training the Santas to say “Ha Ha Ha” instead of “Ho Ho Ho”…!!!
It seems they don’t want women thinking he’s calling them a ‘Ho…!

Listen, if you’re a woman walking in the mall and you hear “Ho Ho Ho!” and get all pissed off… maybe you should change your profession! Just sayin’.