Wednesday, July 25, 2007

One, Two, Three...

Okay I’m laughing so hard as I type this the rest of the ladies think I’m going insane (to them I say “going insane?” ummm… hello! I am insane! Can’t you tell by the way I always have these one sided conversations in my head… oh right, they’re IN my head! whatevah bitches).

Right off I want to say BROTHERS DO NOT READ THIS POST! Why? Cuz I will be speaking in intimate detail about women stuff and I don’t want to hear about how disgusting I am at our next family gathering which will probably be Sunday. You were forewarned!

So I go to the dreaded Office Hallway Bathroom after holding it for like 2 hours. I know I’ll probably have renal failure at some point due to my holding it for so long all the time but it’s a small price to pay for only using that disgusting bathroom 2 times in one day.
So I go in and since there are only 2 stalls and both are occupied, I hear this conversation.


Regular Stall Lady (RSL): ‘I just don’t get it! I haven’t changed my diet or anything…?’
Handicapped Stall Lady (HSL): ‘It might be because you’re going thru menopause. I’m sure it’s normal but have you asked your doctor?’
RSL: ‘Yes but since my doctor is a man he just said it was probably my age.’

Now I’m dying to find out what the hell is going on but at the same time I really have to pee so I’m hoping they’re not waiting to finish this discussion before exiting the stalls and I also hope they finish this discussion because I really want to know WTF is going on… torn between two evils!

RSL: ‘I have never heard of anyone losing so much pubic hair while going thru menopause…’ HUHN!!!????
HSL: [flushing the toilet] ‘Neither have I. When my mom and grandmother went thru it they never said that was one of their symptoms’ Umm Yeah… is this a conversation you’d be comfortable having with your daughter or granddaughter? Would it go something like this “Honey sit down so we can talk about what will happen to your pubic hair when you enter into menopause, I don’t want to alarm you but your koochy will look like a cross between a balding raccoon and a porcupine!” I TOLD YOU IT WAS GRAPHIC! And to say “symptoms” just sounds like it’s a disease! When I go thru it I will call them “side effects of being too much of an awesome chick”!
In the meantime HSL comes out of the stall looks at me in surprise (did you not hear the massive door slamming shut as I entered? did you think it was the wind blowing the door open and just happening to find the right strength to unlock it without a key?) Also I was glad she came out first because I did not need to see what would be in the regular stall because then RSL said.
‘You should see how many I’m leaving here now, it’s got to be about 15!’
Then former HSL says as she’s washing her hands: ‘There’s someone else in here.’
RSL: ‘Oh…!’
Me: ‘Hey, pretend I’m not here cuz now I’m worried and want your info so you can keep me posted… … … … … … … … … Hello? I know you’re still out there cuz I didn’t hear the door open…’ Then the door opens and closes!
This leaves me with 3 thoughts.

1) If you’re counting your pubic hair, wouldn’t you want to wash your hands before you leave?
2) Can anyone tell me if this is something else I have to look forward to as well as my boobs drooping, wrinkles, etc.?
3) Why is it that people always think I’M the weird one? THEY were having a conversation in a PUBLIC bathroom!

Could I have just done my business and ignored them? Yes! But then what fun would I have? Plus, I’m sure they’re giggling in their office right now so… blrrrrrb (me sticking my tongue out and making that special sticking your tongue out noise)

P.S I think I’ll have to frequent the bathroom more often now so that they’ll think I’m stalking them, just to mess with their heads! Who’s with me? Yeah! High Five!


  1. I sent your post to one of my friends who just turned 50, this was her reply:

    "The RSL was right...........that is a 'symptom' of menopause. We lose it down there, and grow more on our face! NOT THE SAME ONES, SILLY.... (something to do with the testosterone in our bodies - and yes, we do have a little testosterone - I heard it from Dr. Oz on Oprah!) Another symptom is eyes tearing - and at the same time, we lose moisture downtown.................God must have had a wicked sense of humor when creating women!"


    P.S. I was alughing soooooo much that I was "Shhhhed" by a few people.

  2. LMAO! (and crying at the same time WTF!) And what do men have to go through?! Nothing! AND they get the awesomeness that is US!

    Nancy what do you mean you got "ssshed" by people?! Tell me who they are and I'll WOMP 'em for you! I must keep my readers happy!

    P.S. Your friend is funny... maybe a little TOO funny...

  3. Sun of a gun! It's bad enough that I have to look out for pee droplets on public toilets, but now I have to watch out for batches of stray pubes?!?!? If I see one on the seat I usually have to go about 2 stalls away from it just to be safe. If I find 15 I will probably start having convulsions. This is not good.

    I laughed my pubes off while reading this (get it? my pubes and not my butt?). Oh man has it been a long day!

  4. gypsy queen: yeah, we in deep shit! (Hopefully not literally)

  5. Oh my god I never laughed so hard in my life! Your story paired up with all these fantastic comments put me over the edge....Oh sweet Jeebus that was great...*deep breath

    High Five!!

  6. I suppose you could glue a little pubic hair pice down there.

    or get a weave. ewwww


Ask me no questions and I’ll tell you no lies.