One, Two, Three...

Okay I’m laughing so hard as I type this the rest of the ladies think I’m going insane (to them I say “going insane?” ummm… hello! I am insane! Can’t you tell by the way I always have these one sided conversations in my head… oh right, they’re IN my head! whatevah bitches).

Right off I want to say BROTHERS DO NOT READ THIS POST! Why? Cuz I will be speaking in intimate detail about women stuff and I don’t want to hear about how disgusting I am at our next family gathering which will probably be Sunday. You were forewarned!

So I go to the dreaded Office Hallway Bathroom after holding it for like 2 hours. I know I’ll probably have renal failure at some point due to my holding it for so long all the time but it’s a small price to pay for only using that disgusting bathroom 2 times in one day.
So I go in and since there are only 2 stalls and both are occupied, I hear this conversation.

NOTE: DISTURBING DISCUSSION AHEAD WHICH I FOUND HILARIUOS BUT MIGHT NOT BE FOR ALL THE READING PUBLIC AND CAN BE CONSIDERED TOO GRAPHIC!

Regular Stall Lady (RSL): ‘I just don’t get it! I haven’t changed my diet or anything…?’
Handicapped Stall Lady (HSL): ‘It might be because you’re going thru menopause. I’m sure it’s normal but have you asked your doctor?’
RSL: ‘Yes but since my doctor is a man he just said it was probably my age.’

Now I’m dying to find out what the hell is going on but at the same time I really have to pee so I’m hoping they’re not waiting to finish this discussion before exiting the stalls and I also hope they finish this discussion because I really want to know WTF is going on… torn between two evils!

RSL: ‘I have never heard of anyone losing so much pubic hair while going thru menopause…’ HUHN!!!????
HSL: [flushing the toilet] ‘Neither have I. When my mom and grandmother went thru it they never said that was one of their symptoms’ Umm Yeah… is this a conversation you’d be comfortable having with your daughter or granddaughter? Would it go something like this “Honey sit down so we can talk about what will happen to your pubic hair when you enter into menopause, I don’t want to alarm you but your koochy will look like a cross between a balding raccoon and a porcupine!” I TOLD YOU IT WAS GRAPHIC! And to say “symptoms” just sounds like it’s a disease! When I go thru it I will call them “side effects of being too much of an awesome chick”!
In the meantime HSL comes out of the stall looks at me in surprise (did you not hear the massive door slamming shut as I entered? did you think it was the wind blowing the door open and just happening to find the right strength to unlock it without a key?) Also I was glad she came out first because I did not need to see what would be in the regular stall because then RSL said.
‘You should see how many I’m leaving here now, it’s got to be about 15!’
Then former HSL says as she’s washing her hands: ‘There’s someone else in here.’
RSL: ‘Oh…!’
Me: ‘Hey, pretend I’m not here cuz now I’m worried and want your info so you can keep me posted… … … … … … … … … Hello? I know you’re still out there cuz I didn’t hear the door open…’ Then the door opens and closes!
This leaves me with 3 thoughts.

1) If you’re counting your pubic hair, wouldn’t you want to wash your hands before you leave?
2) Can anyone tell me if this is something else I have to look forward to as well as my boobs drooping, wrinkles, etc.?
3) Why is it that people always think I’M the weird one? THEY were having a conversation in a PUBLIC bathroom!

Could I have just done my business and ignored them? Yes! But then what fun would I have? Plus, I’m sure they’re giggling in their office right now so… blrrrrrb (me sticking my tongue out and making that special sticking your tongue out noise)


P.S I think I’ll have to frequent the bathroom more often now so that they’ll think I’m stalking them, just to mess with their heads! Who’s with me? Yeah! High Five!