Tuesday, November 20, 2007

Why they're called the "Golden Years"



So...

When was the last time I talked about the public bathroom that's in the office building? I can't remember since it's been a while.

The story I'm about to tell you I didn't witness personally but it was told to me by a very trustworthy person. If you can call a person who wears his shirt open to his navel showing off his hairy chest. He, of course, has no business walking around like that! Not just because of the weather. He's in his late 50s ample bodied and kinda creepy looking. Harmless but creepy looking. He's the building manager. TA TAH TAH TA! (for some reason I heard trumpets in my head)

Any-who!!! I bumped into him in the hall after having exited the ladies, I stopped to ask him about his car since someone had broken into it last Friday. Then I let him know the latch to the regular stall was broken and that's when he told me the story.

Sit down kiddies so that I may relay what Norm (oh, that's what we'll call him) told me.

Norm:
Yes, I know. A couple of old ladies got stuck in there so I had to break 'em out.

[I pulled up a mental chair and sat down.]

Bee:
Whahuh?

Norm:
I got a call on my walkie telling me 2 ladies were stuck in a stall. When I got there I found a very old lady in the stall and a younger but not by much lady stuck under the stall door!

Bee:
... ...

Norm:
It turns out the older lady couldn't figure out how to unlock the door so her friend tried going under the door to unlatch it for her. So I had to break the latch to set them free. I felt bad for them since that bathroom is always filthy! [yeah, how about getting someone to clean it more often!]

The worst part is I got the call while the police were here filling out the report for the break in so I had to go check the problem right away. One of the cops started laughing and asked if I needed the jaws [of life I'm assuming]! What an A-Hole! [yeah, he said "A-Hole" trying to be courteous of my delicate sensibilities, a gent to the last chest hair!].

Bee:
No freakin way!!! How come I missed that? I'm so jealous!! How did the other one get stuck? Why would she even try to shimmy thru? Will you call me next time something like that happens so that I can take a picture?

Norm:
Well, her [cleared his throat] uh, butt got stuck. No! I'm not calling you why would you want a picture anyway?
.
Why indeed barechested Norm, why indeed.
.
I'm telling you that bathroom is a goldmine!!!

20 comments:

  1. Goldmine? Sounds like a death trap...

    Did you ask if she was wearing purple trousers?

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  2. You know catching the two ol' biddies stuck in the stall would have been enough to make me point and laugh....But add to the scene a not-so-sexy-hairy-chested-creepy maintenance man looming over them as he fiddled with the door would be enough to make me laugh for at least a week....Isn't this why "Depends" were invented??

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  3. I can Jean-uh and I getting into that same situation in a few years. we've been in similar ones in the past, quite a few actually, one involving a floor drain and another with a trashcan...I'm sure there are others I'm just too senile to remember right now

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  4. Lord, I've been in enough nasty women's public bathrooms to think that I would stand there and ponder the strength of my friendship if said friend was stuck behind a locked door. I totally think I'd pull a Jack from "Titanic" and just offer to hold her hand and make her talk to me until the bitter, bitter end.

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  5. LMAO!!!! Ok I think I might have laughed a little toooo lound!!! I had a couple of people walk over to see "WHAT, PLease share the joke????"

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  6. Nancy:

    You had a couple of people who wanted you to share the joke? You should have used them to re-enact the incident - and photographed it. Like one of those "Crimestoppers" programs...

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  7. This is my first bathroom story from you but I have to say, I.Loved.It!
    I would like to address two things here.
    1. did you ever think that old Normy wears his shirt unbuttoned, not to be hot, but maybe because he can't get them buttoned over his ample gut? You should ask or atleast take a picture for us!
    2. You were kind of a tease there because your title says "why they're called the golden years" and then you throw out there "Two old ladies in a stall together" and my mind totally went down a different fork in the road than the one you took. Not that I'm bitter or anything. You know, I'm just saying.
    Thanks for the laugh though. I think I'm gonna like your office bathroom (that just totally sounded gross)(I'm gonna go now.)

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  8. That's a GREAT idea!!!

    I'll make sure I get someone with an AMPLE BOTTOM to go under!!! lol...lol

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  9. Brian:
    Right, death trap for the elderly, goldmine for Bee.

    Purple trousers:
    I went to the crime scene to investigate and found some purple fibers. Now, either they were wearing purple or Barney had an accident in there. J/K!

    somegirl:
    Norm was shaking his head (and chest) the whole time he was telling me the story. I'm thinking man bra for Christmas!

    jean knee:
    I need to know stories so go ahead and post 'em so I can laugh at jean knee & jean-uh as Lucy & Ethel.

    FADKOG:
    Ha! I love your initials!
    Anyway, yeah I don't have a friend I would do that for nope! Maybe, MAYBE my sister, well my niece too and mom. So basically I would have to have actual blood ties to the person.

    Nancy:
    Careful, I don't want any more trouble...

    Tracy:
    I'll try to sneak a picture of Norm but I don't want him to think I want his bod! He might pose suggestively and I'll lose my lunch and future dinner.
    Tease, yeah I'm glad your mind went there since that was my hope. It seems we have the same deviant thoughts. [just don't tell my momma]

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  10. Alls you gots to do to get an old lady off the crapper and crawling around the floor is to tell her you dropped your Neil Diamond concert ticket and she can have it if she finds it.

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  11. I got a suggestion for a cute little sticky note sign to place on the door:
    Public Toilet Of The Damned
    Abandon Hope All Ye Who Enter Here

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  12. you are lying bee, I know you'd get your arse trapped to try and save me, I just know it

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  13. EWBL:
    Neil Diamond? Who's Neil Diamond? Nah, just kidding! I was trying to act young-er.

    Ha! I love the stciky note idea. It'll for sure (for sure? back in the valley?) keep the woman pee-ers out!

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  14. Well, my bottom is pretty ample.

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  15. I'd save you and elastic, sorry Brian you just have to stay in there, cuz I know you'll laugh when the the arse gets wedged

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  16. BWAHAHAHA!

    STOP ASKING ME FOR A PICTURE OF MYSELF JEAN KNEE!!! STOP! I'LL CALL THE STATE TROOPER WHO PULLED YOU OVER...!

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  17. what picture, where? oh the one I'll cuddle every night and add to my Bee shrine? oh yeah

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  18. i am now officially where i have to be for big turkey day. i wont be back until monday so i probably wont comment much. just in case you miss me.
    need to say 2 things
    first still no robot ending why????
    second i never thought id miss working there but finding a couple of white hairs stuck in the pee infested john is worth coming back for. not really but you know what i mean!
    HAPPY TURKEY INFESTATION EVERYBODY!!

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  19. Turkey:
    Happy you day too! :o)

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Ask me no questions and I’ll tell you no lies.