Sunday, February 7, 2010

I remember a time when I could drink more than one beer without turning into Moe from the 3 Stooges.

What separates us from animals is our ability to make decisions (I'm sure there are others but work with me here). Animals usually act on instinct. But us? We question, we rationalize, we hem and haw until a beer takes that decision from our very hands. What does that mean? Well let me tell you.

It all started when I made a delightful dinner of Fettuccine Alfredo and baked chicken legs which I was going to eat ALONE (and we've established that I need to be supervised at all times) because my Andy was at brother Dan's house doing the magical thing he does with electricity.

I set my place setting for one, enjoying the solitude, when I made the decision to forgo my vanilla coke for a beer. Caution to the wind baby! After dinner, I was cleaning up the kitchen and my bangs kept getting in my eyes irritating the ever loving crap out of me! That's when the beer gave me the brilliant idea to trim them a little.

I went to my bathroom and rummaged through the drawers but I couldn't find any scissors. That's when the beer told me to go into the kitchen and grab my kitchen scissors. The ginourmous ones that can cut chicken legs with one snap. The ones I use to cut ninja stars and pennies and anything else that pisses me off!

So I took the scissors into the bathroom with me and as I was brushing my hair, I noticed my eyebrows were a little too bushy. That's when the beer suggested I look for my tiny eyebrow razor and clean them up a little. I removed my glasses, because they were in my way (who needs to see when shaving/cutting?), and I lightly went feep feep with the razor (I have never used) then brushed my hair down and took the SERRATED heavy duty scissors and *trimmed* my bangs.


instruments of death

When I put my glasses back on, OH HOLY BABY SPINACH! One eyebrow looked like I was questioning my sanity (which, hello! I think I should) and my bangs looked like I had let Mocha and Tazz take turns at chewing them off!

That's when the beer told me to do the logical thing and even them both out. Listen, I don't need to tell you there is no happy ending to this story.

I now have crooked bangs the size of eyelashes and receding eyebrows. I'm thinking my only solution is to spike them both and pretend I did it on purpose.

Sadly, this is not the first time I've rocked the the choppy bangs.

bee 3 months 2 (2)Me at age 3 too

Conversation Andy and I had when I told him about my bangs.

Andy: Oh, it can't be that bad.

Me: ...

Andy: Let me see-- ooch! Eets! Wow! Well, it could have been worse. I guess?


Oh boy.


We are currently having creative differences with our scanner so that is why "Bee n' Andy" has been on hiatus. It refuses to communicate with my laptop and instead wants to be an expensive paperweight-slash-mail-holder. Hopefully, I'll be able to hit the right sequence of buttons and fix it soon.


  1. I thought we agreed several years ago that you are not allowed to cut your hair? I'm gonna have to confiscate your meat cutters.

    I'm not even gonna say anything about your eyebrows!

  2. Upon closer inspection, the razor left little stubble...

  3. there was a guy in the 4th grade who accidentally shaved off his eye was rather funny.

  4. if it makes you feel any better, once i decided to cut off my eyebrows with a tiny pair of scissors. no alcohol was involved.

  5. I've cut my hair drunk, too. Ah, the bad ideas we get!

  6. choppy bangs totally rock Bee.

    why yes I do have them myself :)

  7. I had to look up "bangs" on Wiki - it's not a term we use here.

    Your best option now is to drink another two bottles of beer, shave all your hair and eyebrows and wear a wig. You'll save a fortune in hairdresser bills.

    On no account attempt to do any hair cutting whilst sober.

  8. I'm glad alcohol simply puts me to sleep. No time to get any bad ideas.

  9. The good news is both hair and eyebrows will grow back and you can blame the beer.

  10. That poor beer. It's having to take the blame for everything!

    How about some piercings to take the place of the eyebrows and draw attention away from the bangs?

  11. The ONLY time to cut bangs IS when you're drinking.

    Hey, what's the tiny razor doohickey thingamajig? Does it work? Never seen one.

  12. Oh NO!!! I'm sorry I am laughing as hard as I am, but that's ONLY because I once cut my own bangs and drunk too! Not pretty!

    The only good thing is that for some reason BANGS seem to grow faster then the rest of the hair on my head so it took about TWO WEEKS for them to start looking semi-normal again.

    May I suggest the use of Headbands while you wait for your hair to grow!

    Oh, and I hope you find a really good eyebrow pencil too!

  13. I did this once as a little kid so that my BigBird hat would "fit" on my head again. The bangs were just in the way.

  14. Cool story as for me. It would be great to read something more about that theme. Thanx for posting that material.

  15. I wish the worst thing alcohol convinced me to do was a litte drunken grooming. This post was hilarious.


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