Friday, August 31, 2007

Picture Brian is talking about:


Interview With A Wicked Witch Part 3


Producer's note: All footage was damaged due to the Flood of 2007 which is why you are having to read this interview instead of watching it on TV. Our fear is that in her anger, The Wicked Witch caused global warming which resulted in our horrible weather.

Please do not anger her by mocking her interview in any way. We now know what she's capable of doing.


[When we return we see Orpa visibly shaken and WW is smiling]

Orpa:
Please continue...

WW:
When did I realize I melted...?
That’s a bad memory. Few people know I'm missing a pinky on my left hand and a big toe on my right foot.
Some moron spilled his coffee on my toe and it sizzled! I just thought it was because it was hot but my toe had melted right off! Don’t worry I turned him into recycled toilet paper.
I was still young when this happened, in my early 80’s, and...What?
Yeah, coffee's been around longer than you humans know. It was originally just for immortals but some moron fell in love with a human and the rest is history...
Anyway... I didn’t think anything of it at the time, 10 years later I was going to boil frog legs so I decided to test the water with my pinky to see if it was hot. The good news is that it wasn’t hot. The bad news is that I can’t give somebody a high five with my left hand.

Orpa: [looks for a "safe" question]
What is your favorite non-alcholic drink?

WW:
I am addicted to coffee. How can I drink it you ask? Water/Liquids cannot touch my skin but I can drink them as long as they don't touch my lips...
I have special straws that I insert halfway down my throat. Luckily I don't have human gag reflexes.

Orpa:
What do you wear underneath of your cape...sexy negligees? Plain cotton? Or maybe you go commando?

WW:
I wear underthings made out of hemp! I ride around on a broom in high altitudes I have no use for soft delicate fabrics!

Orpa:
Isn't hemp uncomfortable to wear directly on the skin?

WW:
::sigh:: We are talking about my skin. So you realize I fly in all kinds of weather? Freezing rain, snow, heat etc. Do you think delicate skin could take that? No? Right! My skin isn't delicate it's made better than human skin! Plastic Surgeons would give an eyeball for a literal piece of me, some have!

Orpa:
Favorites: book, color, musical artist, smell, movie, alcholic drink, TV show, cell phone provider?

WW:
Wow!
Give me a minute...
My favorite book is a cook book, “For witches that love their warlocks” {snicker}
Color: Blood Red
Musical Artist: I find myself playing Bob Marley for some odd reason. Mostly when I smok-... what the f[bleep] didn't you f[bleep]n' warn me about answering all your f[bleep]n' questions truthfully?! You are so full of s[bleep]! Fine! Where the f[bleep] were we?
[WW continues but her skin starts glowing a deep emerald green]
Smells...
There’s nothing better than the smell of monkey feces in the morning.
Movie: Grease. The part you first see John Travolta as he's leaning against the school and he turns around and smiles...! What? I have a soft spot for JT before he went all weird with the Scientology crap! Aliens! Everybody knows they don’t exist!
Drink: Vodka & Cactus juice!
TV show: Friends that Chandler cracks me up!
Don’t need a cell phone, I communicate with my Other by a high pitch scream. I don’t need to call anybody else.

Orpa:
Is there a rule that witches must wear black?

WW:
Well after a few years I’ve put on a couple of pounds, black is slimming, I thought everyone knew that! Besides, not too many colors go with green.

Orpa:
How do you make your living? Or is money not something that dictates your life? Maybe you can make your own?

WW:
I get e-mails requesting things, I cannot say what since I've signed confidentiality agreements, then I get paid for my services. It’s against the law to manufacturing money yourself… I can’t make make my own, but I can turn it into anything I wish if somebody displeases me. Do I like money? Yes. Does it rule my life? No.

Orpa:
Do you have any tattoos or piercings?

WW:
I have one tattoo. My Other has one similar to mine, it’s two entangled hooked noses. Piercings, just my ears and the dimples of my cheeks.

Orpa:
Since you can fly around on your broom, I'll assume you've traveled the world, what's your favorite place to visit?

WW:
I have lots of, for lack of a better word, “THINGS” I know in Transylvania. I recommend people go there. Especially with children. Yeah... take your kids with you. [she winks at the camera]

Orpa:
Who would you choose to portray you, in the movie of your life?

WW:
Well the person I resemble the most is Angelina Jolie so maybe her…? I don’t know they might have to make her look a little younger...

Orpa:
Do you like children? And I don’t mean in a 5 Gallon pot with carrots and peas. If not, why not?

WW:
No, children and I do not get along. I don't understand their language.

Orpa:
Witches normally have black cats as pets, what is the name of your black cat?

WW:
I’m allergic to cats so I don't have one.

[When the producers fact checked this information, they found out she was not allergic to cats. Her Other stated she just didn't like them but that it's always unpopular to make that statement.]

Orpa:
In a battle between you and Jeannie, who would have won Major Nelson’s sweet love? What would you have done to catch his eye and conquer his affectionate kisses?

WW:
I was the one that banished Jeannie, to that bottle. I win all the way but you can keep your Major Nelson, he’s too much of a weenie for me! I like men you will stand up to me, he couldn't even control an insipid genie!

Orpa:
We only see witches wearing these fabulous or not so fabulous gowns/dresses…. what about when you go to bed…. the gym…. the movies… the beach??

WW:
200 years ago I kidna-… uh hired a dressmaker. She keeps me in all the latest fashions in exchange for her immortality. Just like nuns and priests, I do wear regular clothes every once in a while.

Orpa:
Are you able to wiggle your nose and make people go away? If so why haven’t you used your powers to get rid of people who make you unhappy?

WW:
Go away? Do you mean like kill them? I'm evolving with the times and trying not to extinguish lives anymore. I only turn them into things like crickets and cicadas. Only I have the power to let people make me unhappy. I choose to mock them instead.

Orpa:
Which has been the worst spell you have ever cast and to whom was it directed?

WW:
Worst spell? I think all of my spells are amusing, to me anyway but let me think.Well I made Britney Spears fall in love with K-Fed... I did that one for Hilary Duff, it turns out she wanted Britney to spiral. I'm telling you because the Duff still owes me...

Orpa:
Are you green ALL OVER ?

WW:
What!? What the hell kinda questions is that?

Orpa:
Uh... don't get angry... i-i-i-f you l-l-ike we can c-c-c-ome b-b-back to that one...

WW:
F[bleep] YOU! WE WILL NOT COME BACK TO THAT ONE! WHAT THE F[bleep]!!!

[The studio is suddenly dark. The only light is the one spot light shining directly at WW. Orpa is now on her knees in fright but she is determined to finish this interview.]

Orpa:
H-H-Have you e-e-ever had f-f-f-fantasies about the Incredible H-H-Hulk ?

WW:
Oh I see, because he’s green and I’m green right? Well I’m tired of the world judging us by our skin color! That’s it! I’m done with these ridiculous questions! GET THIS F[bleep]N' MIC OFF ME!

Orpa:
N-N-No, w-w-wait you s-s-said...
J-J-Just one more questions...
W-W-What's a n-n-nice girl like you d-d-doing in a b-b-blog like this?

[In an instant she's gone! All that was left was the sound of her cackle!]

Orpa collapses.

Question Credits:
Crazy people that know who they are.

*If you're wondering about the Dung Beetle Lawsuit, they were eaten by snakes and everyone is denying this ever happened. This is why you'll never hear about it on the news.

Thursday, August 30, 2007

Get Your Shtick Away From Me!

When I asked for questions for the WW, people also sent questions meant for me (?)… These are real (some weird) questions.


It’s okay I can take it.

Q:
You sometimes refer to yourself in the third person, is this how you differentiate between you and your alter ego?
A:
Fortunately (or unfortunately) for me, my alter ego took over when I was 3 so this person who comes into your living space is the real Bee…

Q:
I love your blog and read it all the time. I read other blogs too and they seem to have a theme, what’s your shtick?
A:
Uh… how can I put this delicately…? I don’t have a shtick… I’m. A. Girl… I have a… well maybe I shouldn’t explain human anatomy to you. Try going to your doctor or maybe your mom or older sibling if you have one (an older sibling that is).

Q:
Have you ever thought you might be hard to work with too?

A:

I am hard to work with! Your point is? Actually don't answer that cuz I really don’t give a shit...
Just because of that question, I declare today to be “Smack An Annoying Co-Worker Day.” (Yes, I have that power)


Q: [same person]
If your job is that bad, have you ever thought about just quitting and looking for something else?
A:
What is the guarantee I will find another set of oddballs like these? The short answer is I stay here for the comedy (dramedy?) without them I have no stories for my blog! Or is that your secret plan...?


Q:
Why did you decide to start a blog?
A:
The people around me (Andy) got tired of listening to me so this was the next best thing. Added bonus I can spread the word of Bee (third person) to a larger audience (of 6).

Q:
Will you ever post a picture of yourself?
A:
Why? Are you having mice problems? I don’t recommend using my picture to scare off rodents or insects. For some reason they start forming alters to worship me and you wind up with more pests than what you started with.
Maybe you should try calling a pest control agency type thing.

Q:
Do you ever worry your co-workers or boss will find out about your blog?
A:
No, some of the people here still say “The World Wide Web Internet”. No worries.

Q:
I was wondering if you would like to contribute to my blog, it is about real women who have sexual experiences with their same sex. You can do so anonymously
.

A:


-

Q:

Upon reading your own posts, have you learned anything about yourself?
A:

I learned that my mommy was right and I AM a Bad Ass!

-

Thanks for playing!

P.S.
If you have any questions, suggestion, things you'd like to confess, let me know...
Maybe I'll respond, maybe I'll just laught at you... i
t's a crap shoot!

Wednesday, August 29, 2007

Interview With A Wicked Witch Part 2


Producer's note: All footage was damaged due to the Flood of 2007 which is why you are having to read this interview instead of watching it on TV. Our fear is that in her anger, The Wicked Witch caused global warming which resulted in our horrible weather. Please do not anger her by mocking her interview in any way. We now know what she's capable of doing.

The following interview was originally to take place in front of a studio audience, unfortunately, some audience members tried to form a lynch mob and were immediately turned into dung beetles! Orpa decided to have a one on one with The Wicked Witch so as not to endanger anyone else.

No further news is available on the dung beetles (Lawsuit is pending)

Where we left off...

Orpa:
Are there any other witches more powerful than you?

WW:
There was one that came close, but when I was informed her weakness was Mickey Dee’s, I sent my monkeys to bring her food every hour. When she was too meat drunk to move, I made her explode. They recently discovered her remains in oil form near Azoobefar.

Orpa:
Where’s Azoobefar?

WW:
I believe I came here for personal questions not to give you a geography lesson.

[Orpa mumbles something under her breath that sounds like 'what a bitch' the WW smiles.]

Orpa:
Where do you take your broom to get serviced if it breaks down?

WW:
My broom is not mechanical. It is an ordinary broom you can find in any store. I’ve gone thru thousands of them.

Orpa:
Well if it’s just an ordinary broom, can I go and get mine and fly?

WW:
First, do you even know where your broom would be? Don’t you have people that wipe your nose for you? Anyway you cannot fly if you are not a witch.

Are you familiar with Santa’s sleigh? Well his sleigh runs on [gag] believing in him, sunshine and good wishes, I fly because of people’s fears.

Guess who flies higher and longer! Thanks to all the wusses out there who are afraid of the dark!

By the way I’ve only met Santa once and he is too saccharine sweet for me but I would keep an eye on him if I were you… Have things gone missing after he visits? That’s all I’m sayin’!

Orpa:
How dare YOU of all people imply Santa’s bad!

WW:
Hey! At least you know what I’m about! I never promised joy and happiness! I’m all about rage. … And money, if you have the bucks you can rent me for an hour. For spells gutter minds!

Orpa:
What happened in your childhood?

WW:
Nothing much happened in my childhood. My adoptive parents bought 2 monkeys to keep me company so that I wouldn’t have to go out in public. Little did they know they got me a male and a female which, after tons of inbreeding, provided me with my Monkey Army.

Orpa:
Do you have many friends?

WW:
Friends no. Frenemies yes.

Orpa:
What do you mean by "frenemies"?

WW:
People who are terrified of me but would rather stay on my good side so they do my bidding.
I guess I should start hanging out with more witches but they all think they’re prettier than me. Which, as you can see, they are mistaken!

Orpa:
If you could be any color besides green what would it be and why?

WW:
Let’s see… probably orange. I would want to be a color as offensive as green. It goes with my antisocial behavior…

Orpa:
Is your Wickedness a result of a broken heart?

WW:
No… I am happy to say, every warlock I’ve encountered has fallen for me as if in a strange spell...

[WW looks "angelicly" at the camera then wiggles her eyebrows]

Orpa:
What do you feed your flying monkeys?

WW:
If I told you what I fed my monkeys you’d form another lynch mob! But ONE of the things they like are toe nail clippings. They’d hang out a Nail Salons all day if I didn’t have a buzzer under their skin.

Orpa:
Are there any reptile ancestors in your family tree?

WW:
Very funny! Because I’m green right? Well I know who asked that question and I’ll be visiting you in your nightmares! Sweet dreams!

Orpa:
You still didn't answer... [cut off]

WW:
No! No reptiles!

Orpa:
At what age are you planning on retiring or do you plan on being on this shoe quest till your dying day?

WW:
I will never retire. Never Ever. I already have a back up plan in case a house falls on me. I’ve stored my DNA so that my Other will clone me… Well, I hope he does anyway, because you can’t always trust a warlock! By the way shoes are my passion!

Orpa:
Speaking of shoes, a walk in your shoes, can you please give us some insight or walk us through a day in the life of the WW?

WW:
A day in my life.
Well it starts with my Other banging the gong, not a euphemism we literally have a gong, to make me wake up.
We argue for about 10 minutes as to who is going to let the monkeys out, feed them etc.
He leaves to his energy thing. I go back to sleep. 2 hours later I wake up. I make sure my hair is flock of seagull-ish and go on to torment the world.

Orpa:
Where do you go to relax? The local mud hole?

WW:
I recently joined Alcholics Anonymous. I enjoy making them break their sobriety. [At Orpa's shocked expression she adds] Don't worry I always put them in a cab! Of course I give the cab driver the wrong directions but that's another story...

Orpa:
Do you live your life without regrets?

WW:
I only have one. And that's agreeing to this interview!

Orpa:
How and when did you find out that you would melt if you where in contact with water? Didn't you find out when you tried to bathe?

WW:
My adoptive parents would gather dead skin cells from the local skin buffing spa and scrub it all over me. I just assumed this is how everyone cleaned themselves.

[Orpa gags and asks for a break.]


Stay tuned for the last installment of The Wicked Witch Interview where she will discuss how she first found out water was her enemy, who wins the battle between her and Jeannie and what's under her dress...

Tuesday, August 28, 2007

I said Peanuts!

So…
I wasn’t going to post anything today so that you could all marvel at how down to earth the WW is until the next part of her interview but… it seems my co-workers just don’t want to take a day off on being silly!

Picture this scene.

I go to the front Reception/Waiting Room area to look for a chart. Milton is watching the Reception desk for Cowardly Lion while she takes a potty break.

In walks an Older Gentleman with a big smile and says:
OG:
‘Hi there! I’m John Doe and I brought my knee to see the doctor!’

[I giggle cuz I thought that was funny]

Milton:
‘Hi Mr. Doe, you said you brought your niece?'

OG:
'No, not my knees, my knee!'

Milton:
'Right, is that your niece over there?' [pointing to an even older lady who had been sitting in the waiting room for a while]

OG:
'Who? What? Huh?'

Milton:
[loud voice] 'WHAT IS YOUR NIECE'S NAME?'

OG:
[loud voice back] 'WHICH ONE...?'

[before Milton can answer, I jump off the 4-step step stool (not so much jump, more like fall) and say]

Cool Bananas Bee:
'Milton this is Mr. Doe, he has an appointment at 2:30 and he's here to see the doctor for his knee!'

[I tap my knee for emphasis in case she still doesn't get it...]

Remind me again why I'm drinking decaf?


Oh... HIM!

OZ wanted an update on an account but he couldn't remember the patient's name.
This is the information he gave me:


'He's a young Russian guy, good looking but gay. I fixed his elbow.'

If anybody knows who this is, or if you are this guy, please let me know.

Monday, August 27, 2007

Interview with a Wicked Witch Part 1





Producer's note: All footage was damaged due to the Flood of 2007 which is why you are having to read this interview instead of watching it on TV. Our fear is that in her anger, The Wicked Witch caused global warming which resulted in our horrible weather. Please do not anger her by mocking her interview in any way. We now know what she's capable of doing.


The following interview was originally to take place in front of a studio audience, unfortunately, some audience members tried to form a lynch mob and were immediately turned into dung beetles!


Orpa decided to have a one on one with The Wicked Witch so as not to endanger anyone else.
No further news is available on the dung beetles (Lawsuit is pending)



Orpa:
Our next guest is someone we've feared since we were itty bitty school children. Y'all remember going to school and hearing stories about how you're neighbor who lived in the corner house was a witch? Well this one is the most powerful one and she has agreed to answer all questions no matter how intimate!


Please welcome... The Wicked Witch!


[fake clapping]


[Out walks WW wearing a long black flowing gown. Her skin the color of the inside of an avocado]


Orpa:
Thank you for joining us! I have to say I wasn't expecting you to look so...


WW:
You were expecting a hag weren't you? Those are old wives tales, you see what you want to see!


Orpa:
After years of tales it's hard not to believe them. Are you ready to begin? Remember you've promised to speak without inhibitions...


WW:
Just start already! [Her impatience visible in her constant shifting]


Orpa:
So you're aware, all of our questions were submitted by audience members. If there's one you don't like, you must answer it but you shouldn't take your anger out on me.


WW:
I'm immortal, time normally doesn't mean anything to me but if the next thing out of your mouth isn't a question , you'll be talking to my smoke!


[Orpa sighs]

Orpa:
Are you married or do you have a significant other?


WW:
I am the equivalent of what you humans would call married.


Orpa:
Okay… [motioning for her to continue] Listen you said you’d answer all our questions!


WW:
Considering this is my first interview ever, how about you relax...?

Yes, I’m married. I’ve been married for 650 years! He is a Warlock that siphons energy and power from people during the day, both from their homes and bodies, and is one of the creatures people keep trying to kill in that “warcrafty” world at night.


Orpa:
You said he is a Warlock, as in male witch?


WW:
::sigh:: Yes, male witch. Nobody else can semi control me.


Orpa:
Since your behavior is so… let’s say odd, what attracted you to him?


WW:
Well a girls gotta laugh so I would have to say his sense of humor. He makes me laugh so hard sometimes, I can barely hobble in time to get to the bathroom.


[Opra gasps]


WW:
Oh… too much information? Make up your mind first you want to know everything then you don’t! Anyway he’s extremely funny, there are those few days when he’s MMVSing but…


Orpa:
What is MMVSing?



WW:
Masculine Mentally Vacated Syndrome, You know, when they can’t seem to be able to find the rats milk when it’s sitting right under their hook nose?



Orpa:
I don't believe we've heard from him, is he a private person?


WW:
Well, like I said, at night he is trying to keep from being killed so he’s really busy. Humans to him are just work, he has no interest in their world outside of that.


Orpa:
In fiction, wicked witches usually are unconditionally evil, and get punished accordingly. I'm guessing you don't agree with this, so how do you think humanity gains from having you around?



WW:
Well, I don’t want to say I’m unconditionally evil… I don't walk around casting spells willy nilly, I have to be provoked! I've found this helps my chances in not being persecuted to be burned, hung or melted, contrary to popular belief, that little girl did not get the best of me. I just chose to go underground so I faked my death.

I’ve been known to forgive an offender now and then by sparing there lives and just turning them into something useful like…fertilizer.

The world needs me! Without me how would you warn your kids about evil? I am the one you come to when you say to your children “If you don’t eat your vegetables the Wicked Witch will come eat your spleen”… what? What do you mean you don’t threaten your kids? Well that’s why they become crack heads then!


Orpa:
Do you ever want to have children?


WW:
No.


Orpa:
Can you elaborate?


WW:
No, thank you…?


Orpa:
I am not going to warn you again…


WW:
Fine, but just for the record, you don’t scare me! I can turn your money into monkey shit.
I and my Other are too self involved. We are the picture of selfish. If we had children, how would we be able to pick up and go to the movies on a whim? I was told you can’t put kids in cages…


Orpa:
Is being a WW a 24x7 occupation, or do you get time off? If the latter, what do you do with your free time?


WW:
Well if you would have asked me that question 500 years ago I would have said it was 24/7 but now that I’ve hired, not really hired because I don’t pay them… with money anyway, minions it’s more of a 7AM-8PM gig.
On my off time I stalk bloggers, write some offending letters, along with curses, make voodoo dolls, tend to my garden of poison herbs and marijuana...
Hey! What's that disapproving look for? A girl has got to decompress…


[Orpa pauses her interview to let her editors know she does not want that in her interview. Her editors agreed with her but behind her back the producers make the decision to leave it in. The WW continues.]

My Other and I usually take a vacation around October, before Halloween, we go to this unpopular vacation spot called “Nowheresville”. We like it there because nobody bothers us requesting autographs and spells.

Orpa:
You go on vacation before Halloween? Don’t you need to prepare to frighten people?


WW:
Refreshing my batteries before that night is more important! I know people usually don’t vacation before their big events but I have no need to prepare being scary. You are not a real witch if you can’t naturally get up from your stone slab and be horrific.


Stay tuned on Wednesday 8/29/07 for part 2 of The Wicked Witch where she talks about her childhood and Santa Clause.



*The producers would like to state we do not agree or disagree with any of the opionons given in this interview.

Sunday, August 26, 2007

My Swampland for a Decent Towel

So...

Saturday was a labor intensive day.
We had to move my momma's bedroom furniture to the third floor because her bedroom was the worst to get hit with water.
Well her whole place was bad but her bedroom is just not drying out. We now found moisture on her bedroom ceiling so the business of fixing it begins. You know, pulling out walls and such.

I wonder if architects design houses to annoy movers...? I think they make every hallway narrow so that when you try to move a dresser they laugh at the comical way everyone stumbles around with no success. Well to those architects I say 'Thanks allot jerk wads! I'll show you! I'll invent furniture that is flexible and bendable. Then where will you get your kicks and giggles?'

Anyway, at the end of the day I decided to take a nice cold shower. I figured it'd help me sleep. I was going to use our brand new towels that cost a bijillion dollars. They must be great towels right? Because they cost a bijillion dollars they must dry your skin immediately upon touching it right?

WRONG!

I got out of the shower grabbed the towel and I could swear my skin felt wetter! Then I felt those little crumbly pieces of towel fabric on my skin when I put lotion on!
So now it's 1:52 AM and I feel dirtier than I did 2 hours ago. (and yes we washed them first)

::sigh::

Come with me while I recap my bad week.

1) Mosquitos threatened me with West Nile Virus (so far I'm still holding strong thanks to all my "well wishers")

2) They are canceling Jane (still have had no luck in getting ahold of Jane herself to talk her out of it, maybe it would help if I knew her last name...)

3) I broke a nail... (my hand now looks like something out of a Frankenstein experiment! So sad.)

4) Bad Hair Frizz. (nothing more I can add)

5) Non absorbent towels (I will be suing the towel industry for false advertising)

What else can go wrong?
Will I be losing an earring?
I hope not because I buy them with specific outfits in mind. If I lose one earring a whole outfit will be unwearable!

Stressing out now.

Saturday, August 25, 2007

Update on the Flood Watch 2007.

tree in the parking lot of my office building
So thank goodness it hasn't rained!

Click here to see the report on my Burb. That little boy is literally 3 streets from my house!
It makes sense that the place I live becomes infamous right?

Anyway we're doing fine. There are tons of main roads that are closed but that's okay, it just means less people coming thru my town. Our house is still trying to dry out and I was able to clear off dead flowers from my garden so it still looks pretty.

My favorite tree will never be the same but at least it's still standing! :o)

Do you want to know what the worst part is?

Due to the humidity, my head looks like I'm part French Poodle!

Oh well, at least you can't see it! ;op

This morning I woke up with a desire for Mickey Dee's. Since Andy was going to drop off Tazz at the groomers, I asked him to stop and get himself, my mamma and me some breakfast. He called me with the bad news that our local Mickey Dee's was underwater! How inconsiderate of them!

He picked me up and we traveled to the closest one 2 towns over which took us 20 minutes...

We traveled thru flood zones, over trees, swamps, mud and police blockades all for a nice hot breakfast sandwich!

You know how it is right? What? You think we're crazy? Well, then excuse me while I ignore you! :o)
-
Just kidding... please come back...!

Friday, August 24, 2007

Caffeine Head, Plain Jane

Crappy times in the Midwest.

So...
First the positive.

Even though we don't have Internet access at home [gasp!] we still have electricity... and cable!
On to the bad news. We are underwater. :o( Trees, branches everywhere.
My garden... [shaking my head] it's too depressing to talk about so that's all I have to say about that.

And AND! I broke a nail. I know, tough times.

Anyway back to the freak show!

Cutting off caffeine cold turkey is HARD!
I broke down on Thursday cuz it was just too exhausting to be a bee-yotch all day.
I had half a cup of regular coffee (AKA heaven's elixir) and my bitchyness (or should it be bitchiness? not sure. Be right back.) (Okay I checked with Word and it is definitely bitchiness but I’m leaving it in this way so you can see how much time I dedicate/waste to/on this blog.) mysteriously went away! Weird.

Don't worry, today I have an IV that is pumping me with caffeine as we speak.
Just thought I’d let y’all know in case I was mean to you the past few days.
I’m not apologizing just explaining.

Jane don't leave me!

I have some bad news.
Sit down cuz this is going to be rough.
My Jane Magazine people sent me a postcard.
They have decided to stop publishing Jane…!!!!
My Jane my Plain Jane NO!!!

How will I figure out how to hide bald spots in my hair?? (eye shadow)
How will I know what the cool new tunes are??? (The Pipettes, New Pornographers)
Who will tell me what good books to read?? (Sunstroke by Tessa Hadley; The Empress of Weehawken by Irene Dische)
What Mag will tell me where to go on vacation for less than 100 bucks?? (Dallas, Texas)
How will I know the tricks to sliding into tight jeans?? (baby powder on the legs)
What Mag will give me mixed drink recipes for when I one day become an alchy?? (Yummy Mojito)
Who will tell me what the new exercise fad is?? (Samurai Sword Fighting, Naked Yoga, Stripping!)
And they had other advice that I cannot discuss in mixed company. (and by mixed I just mean family members)
I’m no spring chicken so I have to go based on what they tell me is cool to keep up appearances!!

They offered me Glamour Magazine instead.
Glamour!
Do I freakin' look glamorous?!
Well um… you know, if you could see me, you would be able to see the only thing glam about me is my shoes. Today I’m wearing these to work.


I know there’s no need to show off but, if you knew the story of these shoes, you’d understand why I’m so proud of ‘em. (I also have them in black… shhh!)

Any-who… back to my woe-is-me!

I am going to call those publishing nitwits and let them know I don’t want their crumby Glamour Mag and to publish my Jane again! WTF!
They’ll listen to me right?

I mean, I can be very persuasive!


Maybe I can tell them I'm suffering from fear of West Nile Virus...?

I'm gonna ask OZ if I can leave early so I can start the flood clean up. He might say no but then I'll say fuck off! and leave anyway, you know, day like any other day. I'm telling you this in case you don't hear from me the whole weekend!

I have to go now.

I think I heard something about bagels taking over the kitchen. I must go investigate!

Thursday, August 23, 2007

The Rambler



So...

Tuesday night Andy and I went to see the Bourne Ultimatium.
I just want to say that Matt Damon as Jason Bourne = Hot!

We went to a new theater that just opened up by our house and you know what I realized about myself?
My like or dislike of a movie theater is solely based on their Nachos.
This new movie theater gets two thumbs down!

RE: The Freakin' Mosquito Bites!!! <-color of my blood

I want to thank all the "well wishers" that are predicting when exactly my West Nile Virus symptoms will start showing up.
No. Really. Thanks.
I'm not worried at all!
Thank you from the bottom of my... middle finger!

Here is my theory (or denial):

If any or all of those (bloodthirsty sons/daughters of one winged mothers) mosquitos had the West Nile Virus, I would like to believe that my blood cured them.
Not only did it cure them but anybody else they bit after me has now got Beebadassness Syndrome.
Look out world, I may be coming to a neighborhood near you!
No need to thank me, as I've stated before, I'm just a public servant. (that says "public" right? yeah? okay!)
And to Brother Dan and Husband (for how long hmmm??) Andy I say 'way to gang up on the short girl wusses!' :op

On to the Mall

I was so stressed I had to buy myself something nice.
Maybe you guys can tell the undertaker to put these on me in case... well you know!
Are they super cool or what! I got 'em on sale for a fraction of their original price! Since Andy tortured me at dinner with the help of my traitor sibling I made him pay for them.
Dontcha love that my mind is in the right place?
So pretty.



Wednesday, August 22, 2007

CONVERSATION WITH ATTORNEY LABELED:

"You think you’re bad? I know I’m bad!"

Irrational Attorney:
We can’t pay that amount! What could the doctor have done to charge that amount? [his voice says "it's all about me"]

Cool Hand Bee:
You’re right, he only reattached his leg. [in a somewhat sarcastic tone, well... extremely sarcastic tone]

IA:
I’m not saying it wasn’t important but he’s charging too much money! After fees, his settlement will be almost nothing! [full of righteous indignation]

Cool Hand Bee:
So you’d like a reduction? [I ask sympathetically]

IA:
Yes, basically that’s why I’m calling. [relieved I'm not as dumb as I seem]

Cool Hand Bee:
Okay, I’ll bring it to the doctor’s attention but he is going to ask me how much you are reducing your fees for this "client". [I wait expectantly]

IA:
I didn’t say I was. I’ve been doing allot for this client. [you could hear the Whaaat? in his voice]

Cool Hand Bee:
Did you reattach his leg? [nuff said!]


I win!

Tuesday, August 21, 2007

At least bugs love me...

Things you don’t want your husband to say as you’re walking thru mosquito infested forest preserves.

‘We should really start wearing “OFF” I heard on the radio some guy whose wife went into a coma and died after she got West Nile Virus from a mosquito.’

How many mosquito bites did I have by that time?

FOUR!

How many did I have by the time I got home?

SEVEN!

Monday, August 20, 2007

Hell Hath No Fury...

So...
-

My truce with the universe is over!

-

I was so frustrated on Friday I decided to take the bull by the horns and ask OZ for a raise while we were in meeting. He said no raise, bonus at the end of September maybe. He gave me the whole "we've had a bad year" excuse! Raise your hands if you've had a boss say that to you.

-

I count 1,257 hands (yup that's how many peeps visit my blog)! ::wink wink:::

-

Anyway, Brian put a horoscope up for Friday which I thought was interesting because, even though I don't always believe in them, this one was very prophetic!

-

That gave me an idea. Did I tell you guys I was 1/3 Nostradamus-y (I had to google how to spell the darn name and I can tell you I was no where near)?

-

I will now summon my ancestor and use my abilities to predict what the month of September will hold for my fellow asylum chums.

-

Stand back cuz this could get ugly!

-

Sahumununa hummuna hummuna hummus hummussssssss

-

My first vision is for OZ (Cancer):

-

The stars are aligned in the traditional flip off, FUCK YOU!, formation. Guided by this sign, the cosmos dictate that you take all of your fishing rods, all the hooks and paraphernalia that goes along with fishing... and in the immortal words of The Rock... shine 'em up real nice turn them sideways and stick 'em up your ROOTY-POO MONKEY ASS! Keep shining keep shining!

-

Please don't defy the the orders given to you by the Assssstrological Gods because if you do, they might feel compelled to add your boat to this list of objects! Just to teach you a lesson on defiance.

-

Yes, you might feel some discomfort but remember, your employees feel that discomfort every single day they work for you! So suck it up Big Man.

-

Purple Dino-SOUR (Capricorn):

-

The stars are aligned in a Question mark formation. Interesting. You would think this would be an easy one to decipher but since your whole life is a tangled yarn of questions... Please give me a moment to ponder...

-

Okay, it looks like you are close to asking your One Millionth Question! They are warning you against it, something about your head exploding right off your neck... the signs are a little vague... I know it's shocking but there is a way to avoid this disaster.

-

The cosmos is suggesting you shut the hell up! Yeah, I know it will be difficult but you must try really hard for the sake of your coming grandchild! (Did I tell you guys her daughter is pregnant... yup!)

-

Scarecrow (Leo):

-

It looks like your alignment is shaped like a whiskey bottle... wait there's more! It has a broken rim and cigarette butts inside.

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Tsss! The Cosmos are especially worried about you! They are warning you to stay away from Scorpios! It shows a short person walking up to you and... no I can't say it out loud! Please please heed their warning.

-

Toto (Gemini):

-

For you the stars are aligned in the shape of a dog biscuit. They suggest you continue to wag your tail and jump through PD's hoops. Good girl!

-

Milton (Virgo):

Your alignment is in the shape of... an egg timer? Oh, I see. The vision is getting clearer. They suggest you invest in an egg timer if you don't already have one.

-

The cosmos is telling you to set this timer for 30 seconds anytime you A) ask a question or B) answer a question.

-

Once the timer goes off you must end your sentence.

-

This will reduce the risk of having flying objects being thrown at your head. Remember, your co-worker is extremely busy and cannot afford to waste the 10 minutes it takes you to ask what time it is. She also does not have to hear how paper was invented, made in ancient times, made in modern times, distributed and delivered. All she wants to know is where the box of paper is that's all! No history lesson is needed! Ahh sorry I got a little distracted...

-

Cowardly Lion (Sagittarius):

By reading your alignment, I can tell you to continue in your path. Keep hiding under your desk and you will retire in one piece with few injuries.

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Glynda (Aquarius):

The stars have a special message for you. Yours are aligned in the shape of a back stabbing knife.

-

Oh dear!

-

It shows you will betray the one employee who thinks for herself! No don't do it! Be careful because she's a Scorpio and tends to hold a grudge...

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Oh wait a minute! I apologize I was reading the signs for August!

-

Oh-Oh.

-

I guess that means that since you weren't warned in time you went thru with the prophecy??

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There is nothing the cosmos can do for you now!

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What was my prediction for Scorpio?

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Cosmos and Karma said to carry on and unleash.

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No Sympathy No Mercy No Compassion No loyalty




Yup Yup Yup! Life in the asylum is about to get violent!


P.S.

Don't forget to e-mail me questions you would like to ask the Wicked Witch! The best question will get a surprise!

Saturday, August 18, 2007

It always Feels Like Somebody's watching me...



So...

To de-stress myself today I decided to clean my house from top to bottom. I was very excited believe it or not...

Husband Andy worked today and my sis took my mom shopping so I had the whole building to myself to clean in what is my tradition.

I put Frank Sinatra (AKA Frankie), Dean Martin (AKA Dino), Elvis (AKA Elvis) and my fav Parisian/Brazilian music CDs in the player and hit the random button.

I put the volume up as loud as I could.

I have to tell you that today, here in Chicagoland, the weather is awesome (67 degrees!) so I have all the windows open. Why am I telling you all this you ask?

Well, I was sweeping when Dino started singing "Volare".

For some reason this song more than all the other ones inspired me to... well... sing my little heart out.

Those of you who know me, know I have the voice of an angel (a fallen angel?). It's slow and smooth like honey (rancid honey?)

Not only did I sing this song once at the top of my lungs dancing around with my broom (also known as my ride for work) I hit the rewind button another 4 (4!) times...

So I'm acting like a fool and enjoying the Italian part of the song which inspires me to act it out, you know the lyrics right? Volare e Cantare, so I'm "flying and singing" no wonder my happy heart sings your love has given me wings, flying in the infinite sky.

On the last take...

I see something out of the corner of my eye...

I'm startled for a minute...

Then I focus...

I am right in front of my dining room window...

This window faces my neighbor "Wilson's" house (not his real name, I'm not sure what his real name is but I call him "Wilson from Home Improvement" because I never see his whole face over the fence that separates us, thought you needed to know). I see him climbing down a ladder that is right smack dab in the middle of my "show".

I drop to the floor, oh shit!

Then I think back to what other songs I was making an ass out of myself with and groan when I remember dancing around to "Mambo Italiano" and "You Make Me Feel So Young"

Oh Lord!

I know he saw me because he's nosy like that!

Yeah, I'm laughing too...
the offending ladder to the right->

Friday, August 17, 2007

Picture on my calendar today, boxing glove...weird!


The universe has taken revenge for the witless

X REMOVED PICTURE
-
I know I said I would not post today but I thought you'd get a kick out of laughing at me.

1) While doing dishes yesterday I put my hand in a coffee cup (PD's) so I could scrub it with a sponge, my thumb was on the outside rim of the cup and I rotated the cup with my other hand, you know, in dish washing fashion (if you can call washing dishes fashionable). I got slimed by bright pink lipstick! GROSS GROSS GROSS!

2) While happily chomping away at a tortilla chip (I bought the ones shaped like scoops) which contained taco dip. I took a bite and the chip lodged itself between a small gap in my teeth and poked me like a little spear… OUCH OUCH OUCH! That never happened with butter-freakin-crackers!

I have to say they (the bats) are the way they are because I'm younger (and smarter?) so they automatically think they have the "mom right", you know, the one where they can tell you what to do without any repercussions but I only have one momma so...

I am going to try really hard to stop being mean.

I learned my lesson oh great universe!

I will not mock people.
I will not mock people.
I will not mock people.
I will not mock people.
I will not mock people.
I will not mock people.
I will not mock people.
I will not mock people.
I will not mock people.
I will not mock people.
I will not mock people.
I will not mock people.
I will not mock people.
I will not mock people.
I will not mock people.



(today)

Thursday, August 16, 2007

Duties of a Kitchen Marm:

Washing doctors’ (coffee cup, water glass, forks, knives, yup glorified maids we are)

(You are not responsible for washing other people’s dishes but guess what winds up happening? All the mother effin bats leave their mugs and other dishes for each other and me to do. When I first started it was made very clear to me that we were to wash our own dishes. I understood so I keep my cup at my desk at all times and wash it myself.)

Clean the tables, counter, microwave, stock paper towels, make coffee.


and of course bring treats…

Well I was “reprimanded” my last time as KM because I had never taken the dish towel home to wash, I was not even aware we had to...

So…

I took the flippin dish towel home and used it to dust my china cabinet, my blinds, my dressers I twirled it to make it tight and snap Tazz (did not hit him just did the air above him). After all that, I forgot to put it in with the laundry and it’s sitting in my back porch.

Flash forward to today’s meeting…

Toto: (other nurse who I never really talk about because she hardly ever bothers me and is a people pleaser but on this occasion she did bother me and displeased me)


‘I couldn’t help but notice that the blue dish towel was last seen on the week you were KM, now it’s gone…?’ (last seen, as if it were on the run… with my shoe?)


Cooler than Ice Cubes Bee: ‘Blue dish towel, what blue dish towel?’


Toto: ‘The one with little roses on it…?’


In the meantime everybody is looking at me so I decide to come clean… I mean what can they do right?


Cooler than Ice Cubes Bee: ‘Oh yeah, you know what I guess I forgot to bring it back. Oops, sorry!’


Lord have mercy on my soul for when I finally drop dead from “office political exhaustion” (very rare disease, not surprised you haven’t heard about it.)


Toto, Scarecrow, PD: ‘garble garble brugga brugga garble rabble


Cooler than Ice Cubes Bee: ‘I didn’t understand what you guys said, can you attack me one at a time please?’


Scarecrow: ‘Do you think you can write yourself a note for tomorrow?’


Cooler than Ice Cubes Bee: ‘Sure, what do you want the note to say?’ [big smile]


Scarecrow: ‘Well… to bring the towel back.’


Cooler than Ice Cubes Bee: ‘So you want the note to say “to bring the towel back”?’ [Pretend writing it down on my hand, I say pretend because I had no writing utensils]


Toto: ‘It can say whatever will remind you to bring it back.’


Cooler than Ice Cubes Bee: ‘Right, but I need you guys to direct me… I’m not sure I can get thru this on my own…’ [angelic look]


[In the background you hear Glynda snickering]


Toto: ‘Are you just toying with us?’


Cooler than Ice Cubes Bee: ‘No, if this is important enough to bring up during a business meeting then I really want to work at never ever upsetting you guys, cross my heart!’


Glynda: ‘Okay, let’s move on. She’ll bring it back eventually. If she forgets then I’m sure she’s not going to use it as a dust rag.’


OOPS!

The meeting concluded with them devouring delicious snackies, Taco Dip (with tortilla chips not butter-freekin-crackers) and a nice Cinnamon Crumble cake made by my own little… supermarket! :op

Not that you’ll be upset but, no posting will be made tomorrow (no Nancy, do not even try the guilt) since I’ve looked at my agenda and will actually have to get some work done before I meet with OZ.

Have a great weekend everyone!

Wednesday, August 15, 2007

SPACE INVADERS!

Do you know people that when they talk to you they have to be all up in your bidzzness?!

If I take a step back they take a step forward. First I thought it might be a magnet under my desk but since this happens to me outside of work too, it must be my... magnetic personality.

I always go around saying how anti-social I am but maybe I'm in denial? What do you think?

Anyway, I always stand as far away from people as I can. If I can get away with leaving a "post it" note to avoid one on one interaction then I'm happy.

Unfortunately, I know about seven Space Invaders (SI). They come from all walks of life and I happen to have married one (don't worry, he knows).

Things I have done to repel them: (and by them I don't mean Andy... nothing works with Andy, I've even told him that when I say "prickly pear" it means I need space but then he just hugs me... huh?)

1) Eating garlicky stuff. Then when I talk to them I thhhalk lhhhike thhhhis (over pronouncing or adding an "H"). It doesn't work! They always walk away saying 'Hmm, I'm hungry!'
Yeah, people are GROSS!

2) Talking like Daffy Duck and spitting when I speak (don't judge me, I always aim for their shirt, there's nothing worse than getting it on their face!) Doesn't work! They always walk away saying. 'I'm thirsty!' See what I have to deal with?
3) Bobbing my head forward every once in a while almost bashing them in the chin (I'm short, I wish I could reach their nose! Although sometimes in my 4 inch heels I can reach it.) Doesn't work they always walk away saying 'You are a very animated speaker!'

4) So then I tried over pronouncing one word loudly (you know like Chandler from Friend's my favorite TV show in the whole wide world! When it ended I had the difficult task to find some real friends... nobody has replied to my want ads! Maybe I should remove the stipulation that they have to be rich and buy me stuff... what the hell was I talking about?! Right!) this didn't work either! For some reason they thought it was funny! Jerks!

5) Swinging my arms wildly, for some reason they start doing it too...? Monkeys!

Last but not least

6) If they ask me a question I give them the wrong answer, for example:

SI:'What color is your car?'

Awesome Bee: 'I LOVE STRAWBERRIES!' (It's blue by the way, I'm not and idiot)

SI: 'No, what color is your car?'

[you have to tough it out cuz they will step even closer before you get the desired results]

Awesome Bee: 'There's some in the kitchen?'

SI: 'No, I'm asking you what color your car is not what fruit you like...'

Awesome Bee: 'Are you gonna get some?'

SI: 'Some what?'

Awesome Bee: 'Thanks!' [big empty stare followed by a smile]

SI: 'No, I... never mind!' [walking off upset]

As they're walking away I call out: 'BLUE!'

They look at me in confusion but don't come back right away.
I did #6 to Scarecrow about a couple of months ago because she kept telling me about some baseball thing she glued to her mini-van's window. She thought she parked next to me so that I could see it when I left... who cares right?

This is effective but it takes too long and like fish, they forget and do it again the next time they see you... now I'm tired.

So I'm wondering if my next experiment should be to not use deodorant...? The only problem with that is, right now it's super hot here (maybe it would make my plan work better...?)! I'm out of ideas and I usually can come up with at least 10 to torture people.

Did I trick you into thinking this was about video games? HA! Got ya!

I'm gonna change my profession to:

Bee, Professional People Messer with (or whatever)
-
By show of hands, how many people out there feel sorry for my co-workers/family/friends/people I know? Once you have voted make sure you leave your name and address so that I can come thank you personally.

-
I just noticed upon editing I used allot of exclamation marks but I was in an exclaiming mood!!!!!!

Tuesday, August 14, 2007

Rats, Grill Queen, Nemo

So…
I decided to take a mental day yesterday. (No, It didn't help, I'm still crazy)
Now I must give you a brief run down of my weekend because, well, I want to… :op

This will be a long post so I give you permission to read a little at a time, you won’t hurt my feelings if you read it take a nap and come back. I won’t think I’m boring you…

Saturday:
I got up reasonably early. Went downstairs to my Mom’s for coffee and breakfast (bagels thanks to Rock Star Husband Andy making an early morning trip to Panera Bread), I was kinda crabby since morning is not my best time (followed closely by afternoon and evening).
As I’m sitting in my Mom’s kitchen, groggy, waiting for my liquid energy to cool down a bit thinking about our place in the cosmos (right!) I finally took a gulp of my coffee (that’s the only way you can describe my coffee drinking, no sips for me!) my mom chooses that moment to ask this question:

‘Do rats have bones?’

Let’s pause there for a moment so that I can tell you what happened to me once she let go of that little fire cracker.

I just about spit out my coffee but I forced my lips to remain shut, it almost came out of my nose but I managed to control myself. Now I’m sitting there with now cold liquid in my mouth but it seems my brain has forgotten the command for swallow.

Un-pause

‘Your brother Rick was writing a story and in the story somebody steps on a rat and he describes how you could hear the bones crunching but I told him I didn’t think rats had bones because they fit in little holes.’ (as you can see, the one who made me is also a rambler)

When my brain finally pulled it’s cells together and sent an order to swallow.

I said: ‘Yeah they have bones. Remember when we were walking down the alley when I was 15 and we saw a rat skeleton?’ (Chicago, my kinda town)

Mom: ‘Oh yeah! Make sure you tell Rick because he might have changed his story just on my say so!’
Weird… If you would have told me what the first topic of conversation my mom and I would have over breakfast on a Saturday would have been about rats, I would have walked away from you muttering under my breath about how they let anybody walk around without straight jackets.
That was the highlight of Saturday for me. Oh, I also did some gardening.

Sunday:
The whole family went to Warren Dunes in Michigan. Tons of fun under the sun! Except I did mange to sunburn my face! Since I was wearing my Supergirl baseball hat and Jackie-O sunglasses I now look like a character from Star Wars (I don’t care which one you imagine as long as it’s not Jabba the Hut). My face is burned from my nose to the bottom half of my cheekies to my chin which isn’t even red, it's purple! Yes, I had sunscreen on but to sunscreen I say ‘You are useless and oily and I never want to smear you again!’

I was labeled the Grill Queen by brother Sergio although I think he meant it more as a joke but tough nutty bars! I’m taking the title and running. Whoever wants to take it from me must provide delicious food which I will then judge. Who’s up for the challenge? Esmeralda??? I will have to sacrifice myself into multiple taste testings!

By the way did I tell you guys that half way to our meeting place I realized I forgot the steak? No? Well of course that didn’t happen! I am on top of everything and lapses like those are unacceptable! (Kudos to Andy who didn’t get mad at me when we had to turn around and get the meat, I thought he was going to shove me out of the car and let oncoming traffic make me into road kill).

Monday:
Since I didn’t go to work I consider it part of my weekend.

Breakfast with my mamma jamma again, no weird talk about rats. Well maybe a little, we were talking about the trip to the Dunes and planning our next time there. She suggested I walk around in body armour and carry a ginourmous umbrella so that I don’t wind up looking like a poor, as in no money for good make up, clown. (thanks mom!)
Then Niece Natalia talked me into watching Finding Nemo again (she really got a good grip and twisted my arm into watching it.) In the middle of the movie, after many potty breaks, the movie started going all patchy! My beloved, I MEAN NATALIA’S, Nemo movie is now scratched! If Natalia’s mom is reading this, we need a new movie.

In the evening Andy and I once again battled for control of the temperature of the house. I like a nice tepid comfortable environment. He likes it freezing hands, boogies dripping down your nose, frost bite on your toes, skin splitting, cold. I never seem to win these battles because he always says it’s for the good of his fish…! So tomorrow I’m looking for jobs where they hire fish because if they get special treatment from the husband over his devoted, agrees with him on every subject, never yells, beautiful wife, they must pull their own weight!


Okay I'm done! Now I have to get to work. This week will be nicknamed "Hell Week" as in, I'm in it! I am also the designated Kitchen Marm so if you have any suggestions on treats I can bring I would really appreciate it!
Later Gators!