Friday, August 24, 2007

Caffeine Head, Plain Jane

Crappy times in the Midwest.

First the positive.

Even though we don't have Internet access at home [gasp!] we still have electricity... and cable!
On to the bad news. We are underwater. :o( Trees, branches everywhere.
My garden... [shaking my head] it's too depressing to talk about so that's all I have to say about that.

And AND! I broke a nail. I know, tough times.

Anyway back to the freak show!

Cutting off caffeine cold turkey is HARD!
I broke down on Thursday cuz it was just too exhausting to be a bee-yotch all day.
I had half a cup of regular coffee (AKA heaven's elixir) and my bitchyness (or should it be bitchiness? not sure. Be right back.) (Okay I checked with Word and it is definitely bitchiness but I’m leaving it in this way so you can see how much time I dedicate/waste to/on this blog.) mysteriously went away! Weird.

Don't worry, today I have an IV that is pumping me with caffeine as we speak.
Just thought I’d let y’all know in case I was mean to you the past few days.
I’m not apologizing just explaining.

Jane don't leave me!

I have some bad news.
Sit down cuz this is going to be rough.
My Jane Magazine people sent me a postcard.
They have decided to stop publishing Jane…!!!!
My Jane my Plain Jane NO!!!

How will I figure out how to hide bald spots in my hair?? (eye shadow)
How will I know what the cool new tunes are??? (The Pipettes, New Pornographers)
Who will tell me what good books to read?? (Sunstroke by Tessa Hadley; The Empress of Weehawken by Irene Dische)
What Mag will tell me where to go on vacation for less than 100 bucks?? (Dallas, Texas)
How will I know the tricks to sliding into tight jeans?? (baby powder on the legs)
What Mag will give me mixed drink recipes for when I one day become an alchy?? (Yummy Mojito)
Who will tell me what the new exercise fad is?? (Samurai Sword Fighting, Naked Yoga, Stripping!)
And they had other advice that I cannot discuss in mixed company. (and by mixed I just mean family members)
I’m no spring chicken so I have to go based on what they tell me is cool to keep up appearances!!

They offered me Glamour Magazine instead.
Do I freakin' look glamorous?!
Well um… you know, if you could see me, you would be able to see the only thing glam about me is my shoes. Today I’m wearing these to work.

I know there’s no need to show off but, if you knew the story of these shoes, you’d understand why I’m so proud of ‘em. (I also have them in black… shhh!)

Any-who… back to my woe-is-me!

I am going to call those publishing nitwits and let them know I don’t want their crumby Glamour Mag and to publish my Jane again! WTF!
They’ll listen to me right?

I mean, I can be very persuasive!

Maybe I can tell them I'm suffering from fear of West Nile Virus...?

I'm gonna ask OZ if I can leave early so I can start the flood clean up. He might say no but then I'll say fuck off! and leave anyway, you know, day like any other day. I'm telling you this in case you don't hear from me the whole weekend!

I have to go now.

I think I heard something about bagels taking over the kitchen. I must go investigate!


  1. Best of luck with the water - please don't take any risks - the only fatalities in the recent flooding here were due to "misadventures".

    Re Mag: Don't worry - Not many more years to go before you'll be getting all your fashion ideas from the home shopping channels ;-)

  2. brian:
    I wish you could see my face right now...
    I'll try to paint a picture for you.
    I just got back from geeting another cup of coffee.
    I'm stirring my cream in there.
    I hear my little "you got mail" signal which informs me when somebody has left a comment on my blogus (this explains my quick as a cat reflexes in responding).
    I open it to read it.
    My mouth forms the "O" shape once I read I am being compared to my nutty co-workers that keep bragging about the deals they got from buying this or that sweater from the home shopping network.
    Of course... you could not have known that ...right? You didn't do that on purpose... right?
    Laughing My Tuckus Off!

  3. Shhhh, I'm busy right now, seeing how cheap I can get a pack of stylish white plastic waistband extenders for... I wouldn't bother, but there's a free rubber napkin holder if you order today - you can't say no to an offer like that!

  4. brian:
    You are too funny! :o)

    You! Yes you! Should have a blog!

    And on that note I'm cutting outta here.

    New storms brewing.

  5. yeah are interturd is down too. why dont you go to the library?
    is it too good for you? :)

  6. bummer about Jane. However, do try details magazine, its very entertaining (I think it's a gay man mag but they will sell it to you)
    try it

  7. Yay! internet back! :o)

    The library rocks but um... well I kinda don't need to go there just to blog. You know what I'm sayin'?

    jean knee:
    I love that you said they'll sell it to me! :o)
    I'll check it out.

  8. So... my friend Cindy had this to say:

    I really enjoy reading your blogs. I can just picture you saying all of this stuff and it makes me laugh.

    I just read your Attorney blog and was trying to respond.........but once again - I can't get it to post.
    Asks for a password - then tells me it's wrong................who says it's wrong? It's my password.
    anyways since I can't get the hang of this here is my response to you:

    "Bianca (yeah, I know everyone calls you just doesn't work for me)
    You make this old boss of yours sooo proud. Not that I am ever a smartass or sarcastic at all.

    I learned from the best!

    Yup that's my name don't wear it out!

  9. I like Redbook. But only because of the Embarassing Moments stories they have in the back. I've personally never gotten an olive stuck in my hoo-hoo, but I can laugh along with the tale anyway.

  10. elasticwaistbandlady:
    You sold me on Redbook! Ha! Was someone trying to make a martini?

  11. So, Bee, have you been able to find any sales on ruby slippers yet?

  12. duckman:
    My sister did! Only they're for my niece...

  13. Those are some pretty hot shoes. There used to be a period of time when I can't go without buying a pair of shoes a week...

  14. Lis:
    If they ever invent a pill for the symptoms of shoe buying, I'm afraid my husband might try to slip 'em in my soup!


Ask me no questions and I’ll tell you no lies.