Tuesday, August 7, 2007

Women have 2-5 how many do men have?


Last week I was listening to my morning radio program (not mine literally just mine in that I listen to it) and they were talking about how many faces women have. I must have been half asleep because all I remember is something about men not having any faces...? Not really sure what the outcome was.

Yesterday I was walking by a reflecting glass (AKA mirror) and almost shocked myself into a seizure… Yuck! I had my "bare minimum so as not to scare off small children face". This morning I decided to wake up earlier and put on my "natural face" (It’s actually harder to accomplish than the full fledged make up face…) so on my way to work I was thinking about how many faces I have and I counted 5. Yup FIVE! (By the way, I was still late for work! It’s a talent I have.)

Here are my 5 faces (keep in mind these are not counting expressions):

1) My “Don’t look at me I’m hideous!” Medusa face. This one can be seen on days where I was unable to sleep well or I’m sick. If you see this face, walk away and do not make eye contact because, as my Hero Mythical Character, I will turn you into stone.

2) My “Bare minimum so as not to scare small children face”. This face is to cover up the first face. If you see this face, walk away and don’t make eye contact. It means I’m in a horrible mood because I had to go somewhere when I should be hiding from the public.

3) My “Natural face”. This face is seen when I’m coming out of the other two faces and I want to make people believe I’m in a better mood therefore more approachable but… don’t be fooled! If you see this face walk away after maybe 5 minutes because if you stay longer, I would have lured you into my trap since I’m still in a bad mood so you will now be my whipping post! GOTCHA!

4) My “I'm a Professional-Meeting with Oz” face. This face can be seen mostly on Fridays due to the fact that those are the days I usually meet with him. If you see this face, you can stay and chit chat for a little while with no harm to come to you since I have bigger fish to fry. I’m more approachable but don’t ask me stupid questions cuz then we have a problem.

5) My “Oh My Lord, we’re going out past 6:00 PM where’s my Vampire make up?” face. This one is rarely seen. As an old married couple, we rarely venture out after 6:00 PM. We usually hit the matinee movies to take advantage of the discount price and then go to restaurants for their lunch specials (AKA our dinner) to be home no later than 5:00 PM. So this face is to cover up the confusion I feel for being out at this late hour! This is my more approachable face due to the fact that I’m usually in a daze and it would be the perfect opportunity to sell me swamp land in Florida.

So... those are my faces.
There are, of course, hair-dos that go with all those faces but that’s a story for another day. I don’t want to bore you too much!

Then I was thinking about Andy’s faces and could only come up with two. His “scruffy face” and his “clean shavin’ face” WTF!!
With the exception of face number one, all of my faces involve chemicals and at least 15 minutes of time!

Here is my solution. Since Johnny Depp rocked the eyeliner, I say we make our husbands/significant-others start wearing eye liner, mascara and shiny lip gloss!

Okay, let me rethink that a moment cuz I don't want him looking prettier than me or resembling a woman...

Hmmmm. I guess life is just not fair! :op


Yes, I realize none of my faces are actually friendly but you know what? That sounds more like your problem...


  1. I think I have 3...

    I have “I don’t give a SH!T” – that one is the one that I have most of the time and I have no makeup at all.

    Then there’s the “Ok, I’ll try a little” – That usually involves eye liner and lip gloss.

    And the new and improved “I have to use this expensive makeup before it goes bad!” and that one has been coming out more often lately 2-4 times a week.

  2. I have 3

    1) Good-looking

    2) I want some of that


    3) wear protective eye wear when looking at me because my gloriousness will blind you.



    I have too many faces....multiple personalities anyone?

    Don't forget Richard I-Love-My-Eyeliner-Rupert from LOST, he rocks the eyeliner too!!! I want him...but that's another story.

  4. Some people at work experimented with having cards with a smiley face on one side and a sad face on the other, to say "I'm interruptable" or "Don't dare come near me". I don't think it worked, as no-one looks at the cards. I have a very short attention span, so never mind interruptions.

    My previous boss used to wear a jester's hat when she was feeling unhappy or sulky.

    Makeup's too fiddly. Maybe a better solution would be to wear masks, as then you really could have a completely grotesque and scary look, and you could change them more often. For example where appropriate you could have one of a ticking bomb...

  5. Since I stopped shaving about a month and a half ago I'm down to one face. Life is not fair and what, exactly, is wrong with that?

    (When I saw the tltle, I thought this post was about the number of lovers per lifetime. The male number goes up for that one.)

  6. Nancy: You suck cuz you can go from shower to walking out the door in seconds (well… I mean hoping you get dressed first cuz you know, I don’t think the Texan would appreciate that…) It’s me the old lady that needs her war paint!

    M: Ummm lucky you…? I think? Of course the whole us wearing protective Eye-Wear could be because you’re toxic? :op Anyway more power to you!

    somegirl: YES!! Richard is… well he IS!

    Jester’s hat huh? With those little ringing things at the top? (oh bells! that’s what I meant to say, duh!)
    See, if I wore a jester’s hat I’d giggle every time I heard the bells.
    You cannot be crabby wearing a Jester’s hat. Or am I thinking of a Santa hat…?

    I have one of those clocks made out of cardboard that you can move the plastic hands and it says “will return at” I have it set for 5:30 (after work hours) and point at it every once in a while when someone stands by my desk. Doesn’t work either!
    Any-who masks are a good idea and the ticking bomb…well that’s just genius combined with my explosive personality!

    Shave. :o)

    You’re right I guess there’s nothing wrong with life not being fair. I mean, evolution will soon take hold of all of us and we’ll all be androgynous anyway so who am I to complain!

    RE: The title
    This was creative subliminal messaging on my part, I thought 'if I title this the right way people (men) will want to read it!'

    [GOOD JOB! patting myself on the back]

  7. Yesss, faces. how many hmmmmm.
    I don't know.
    observation: only Johnny Depp could be a gimpy, eye linered buccaneer and still look hot

  8. Re Jester's Hat: Yes it had bells on. I suspect that she couldn't wear it for too long and stay in a bad mood, which was probably the point.

    Duckman: It's almost certainly the case that the average number of heterosexual relationships per person is the same for men and women, no matter which way you do the average. However men admit to more than women do. For example, considerably more men admit to having affairs than women, which could only be true if each of those women who admit to it are *very* busy ;-)

  9. Mmmm yes. Male makeup. Because I have no boundaries when it comes to Johnny Depp in eyeliner.

  10. Nancy, i must say that we share one of the many faces. You had me cracking up with the "expensive make-up face"...but I agree with you 100%. That is also one of my faces (trying to look like I know what to do with all that make-up the sales people made me buy (they twisted my arm). In my repertoire of many faces, I also have the "natural is beautiful", the "I'm trying to not look like I just woke up" and "I'm trying to not look like I just woke up with a lipstick" (which sometimes also works for "going out"). So I guess that makes it 4 for me...

  11. ....I just realized I got Richards' name wrong!! That's blasphamy....It's Alpert. I am a giant moron...

  12. jean knee:
    On Johnny Depp, Hell Yeah!

    RE: Men Women partners, you have a point.

    On Johnny Depp, Hell Yeah!

    umm… forget about make up! there’s a rumor you’re getting rid of your shoes and purses so on Sunday I’ll be at your house at 6 am before we go to the dunes to umm…help.


Ask me no questions and I’ll tell you no lies.